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‘Christmas Scandal’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Christmas Scandal

212. Christmas Scandal

Aired December 10, 2009

Leslie takes some time off work after she is ensnared in another one of Councilman Dexhart's scandals, leaving everyone else at the Parks department to cover her work.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] It's gotten a lot harder to work in government. You think Winston Churchill ever had to pull his pants down and show his butt? No. But would he have? Yes. Now, could he have? Maybe not towards the end of his life, but he would have. Because he loved his job.

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Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] In a 24-hour news cycle, the tiniest story gets dissected over and over again. In 2004, a kid from Pawnee went to the Olympics, and it was reported on for over a year. He wasn't even competing or anything. He just was going, literally, to watch the Olympics.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Oh.
Man: Yeah, I don't think kids should be allowed on the playground equipment.
Ron Swanson: Okay, we've been over this. If you're worried about swine flu, use hand sanitizer.
Man: I'm not worried about swine flu. I already had the swine flu. I'm worried about the turtle flu!
Ron Swanson: The turtle flu...
Man: Turtle flu.
Ron Swanson: Turtle flu.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] You are getting a rare glimpse at this exclusive, government-only event. Each December, one department puts on a show that spoofs what happened in our town. Prepare to laugh your asnov! [chuckles] Sid Asnov is a former city councilman. Some of the jokes are sort of inside.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I would be lying if I said that I never thought I would be involved in an incident like this. Except I always assumed that I would be the politician, and the man would be accused of sleeping with me. And that man would be the Vice President. And I would be the President.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Hey, have you figured out what you're getting Ann for Christmas?
Mark: Oh, I got her a pretty great computer bag.
Tom: Yeah? That's a terrible gift.
Mark: No, no, Tom, she needs one. She mentioned it to me two months ago, and I wrote it down. That's what's called being an amazing boyfriend.
Tom: Have you seen Ann? You know how hot she is? Men give women of that caliber speed boats, private jets... Not computer bags.
Mark: Okay, what do you think I should get her?
Tom: Diamonds. Can't go wrong with diamonds.
Mark: Diamonds?
Tom: There isn't a woman alive who doesn't love diamonds. Even the super-left-wing chicks that saw blood diamond and cried... When they get a diamond, they're, like, "Yeah, bitch, gimme more of them blood diamonds! Make 'em extra bloody." Trust me.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Mark: What happened?
Ron Swanson: Got a call from some panicky morning joggers. Apparently sanitation didn't empty this dumpster, to the raccoons' delight.
April: I thought raccoons were supposed to be nocturnal.
Ron Swanson: Not in this town, sweetheart. In this town, they're 24/7. We can't have raccoons for the Christmas thing. They'll hunt the kids for sport.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Okay, my name is Ron. You don't need to know my last name. Whoever wants to talk, go ahead, and we'll be out of here in a tight 15.
Woman: I found a sandwich in one of your parks, and I want to know why it didn't have mayonnaise. [Ron laughs] What's so funny?

Quote from April

April: Councilman Dexhart, you're involved in yet another scandal? That's crazier than Mayor Gunderson's dog Rufus.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [as Bill Dexhart] Yes, there is a new one, and it's a doozy. I don't want to go into the details, but let me just say that it involves multiple women, a love child, nurses, rabbis, priests. Well, I hope you can all join me at my fundraiser tonight. I am being supported, of course, by the Glitter Factory and 1-800-mattress.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: [laughs] Classic.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Lot 48 was once a horrible and disgusting pit. And now it's the site of Pawnee's Winter Wonderland. This could not be more perfect if I had planned it myself. Which I did. And it's awesome.

Quote from Jerry

Leslie Knope: So let's talk schedge, guys. The kids are gonna come at 9:00 a.m. on Saturday, and everyone's gonna do Santa for two hours. So I would just advise everyone before you get in your costume to go to the bathroom so we can avoid what happened last year.
Jerry: It was just farts.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: 6:00 p.m., caroling with the youth choir. And I am proud to announce, for the first time ever, this year our tree-lighting ceremony will be simulcast on Internet radio. [mild applause] Thank you.
Tom: That's a really big deal.
Leslie Knope: It is. Thank you.
Tom: Listening to that tree lighting's gonna be dope!

Quote from Leslie Knope

April: Hey, uh, there was a message for you on the work voicemail. Councilman Dexhart wants to meet with you at 9:00 p.m. The boardwalk lounge.
Leslie Knope: Shut up.
April: No.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I'm not scared. I got nothing to apologize for. I could have been a lot harder on him. He got off easy. And often. [chuckles] Thank you. I'll be here all week.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Councilman Dexhart, I'm Leslie knope.
Councilman Dexhart: Thank you for meeting me.
Leslie Knope: It's my pleasure. I am assuming this is about my performance in the Government Follies last night. I'd just like to say that I have nothing to apologize for. Except for perhaps being too incisive.
Councilman Dexhart: I don't want you to apologize. I want to know who told you.
Leslie Knope: Who told me? Nobody. Nobody told me nuttin'! What are we talking about?
Councilman Dexhart: Well, based on that skit, I know you've heard about the new scandal that's about to break. Who told you? Was it the babysitter? Was it the nurse who delivered our love child?
Leslie Knope: What?
Councilman Dexhart: Oh, stop playing dumb. You know damn well what happened. I got the babysitter pregnant. Then, when she was in the delivery room, I had sex with not one but four nurses in a supply closet. As well as a woman whose husband was getting a liver transplant. Now, which one of them told you? Was it the liver lady?
Leslie Knope: Well, I--no one-- I haven't-- I haven't heard any of this ever in my whole life.
Councilman Dexhart: Oh.
Leslie Knope: Believe me, I would have remembered this.
Councilman Dexhart: Okay. Well, in that case, everything I just told you was just a funny prank. [chuckles]

Quote from Perd Hapley

Perd Hapley: [on newscast] The story of this story is that it won't stop developing. The mystery woman who met with Councilman Dexhart last night appears to be a government employee named Leslie Norp.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. Oh, God.
Perd Hapley: According to unconfirmed reports in the Pawnee Sun, the two bent an elbow at this local watering hole. And although they left separately, no one knows where they woke up... together. Perd Hapley, channel 4 news.

Quote from Donna

Leslie Knope: All I did was write and perform in one amazing skit.
Ann: Leslie, it's the Pawnee Sun. It's a tabloid. Nobody else has written about it.
Tom: Yeah, no one believes that garbage. Nobody even reads that thing.
Donna: [holding newspaper] Leslie, what? Nice work, girl.

Quote from April

Leslie Knope: Oh, god. How do I fight back? Give me some options.
April: Do you want me to seduce Perd Hapley?
Leslie Knope: How would that help?
April: I don't know. I just want to see if I can do it.
Leslie Knope: April, I appreciate that, but I don't think it's something worth losing your virginity over.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Leslie, I don't know if this is important or not, but I have heard a lot of very, very interesting chatter around the shoeshine stand today.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, really? What have you heard?
Andy: A lot of things. Uh, like, "Can you believe it?" And "The parks lady boned Dexhart." And "Of course she did. She's totally good to go." And one guy was like, "I wouldn't hit that." And the other guy was like, "Me neither." Then this third guy was like, "I would." So I don't know if that's helpful at all.
Leslie Knope: Well, keep your ear to the ground.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Alexa Softcastle: Leslie Knope? Alexa Softcastle, Pawnee Sun. Can I ask you a few questions?
Ron Swanson: Don't say anything.
Leslie Knope: I'm not afraid to say anything, okay? I have nothing to hide. I've never even met Councilman Dexhart before yesterday, and that's all I want to say about the matter.
Alexa Softcastle: Some people are saying this isn't the first time that you've had sex with a married councilman.
Leslie Knope: Who's saying that?
Alexa Softcastle: Some people.
Ron Swanson: Okay, this interview is over.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: Go home, lay low, the truth will come out.
Leslie Knope: I can't. I have too much work to do. This department is not gonna deputy-direct itself.
Ron Swanson: I think we can manage.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I swear to you, I never even met the guy before last night.
Dave Sanderson: It's okay. I believe you.
Leslie Knope: You do?
Dave Sanderson: Of course. I think I know you pretty well. That doesn't sound like you.
Leslie Knope: Thank you.
Dave Sanderson: If I ever see that guy, I'm gonna punch him right in the face.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, that's sweet. Use your night stick.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Which meeting is this?
April: The Organization of Local Auditing Systems.
Ron Swanson: Kill me.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Dave Sanderson: That kind of brings us to what I wanted to talk to you about. I, uh-- You know, my... [clears throat] Army reserve unit, we got called up to active duty. I ship out in four days.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God. Where are you going?
Dave Sanderson: San Diego.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God!
Dave Sanderson: It's not dangerous. It's mostly maintenance. But I'm going for, like, a year. Maybe 18 months. And I was kind of hoping that maybe you'd want to come with... with me. Like on a permanent-type basis.
[aside to camera:]
Dave Sanderson: I don't know, it's... It's kind of a weird question. I mean, I joined to put myself through college, and, uh, it's, you know, I'm just a desk jockey, but it's- it's rewarding. So yeah, I guess I'm in love with the army. Oh, Leslie. Well, yeah. Yeah, that makes a lot more sense. Yeah, I'm definitely in love with Leslie. It's- It's affirmative.

Quote from Ann

Ann: Are you gonna go?
Leslie Knope: This whole Dexhart thing is not making me feel very attached to Pawnee right now.
Ann: San Diego, jeez.
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
Ann: You could learn how to surf.
Leslie Knope: I know how to surf. I took lessons when I was a kid. I'm actually pretty good.
Ann: I bet you are.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: I would miss Leslie like crazy.

Quote from Joan Callamezzo

Joan Callamezzo: [on TV] We are here looking at a videotape. This is back in April, 2005. We see here we're looking at Councilman Dexhart.
Ann: Leslie, you should see this.
Joan Callamezzo: And he's now about to shake hands with Leslie knope, the alleged sex toy.
Leslie Knope: Oh, for cripes sake.
Donnie Rotger: [on TV] Look at the way she's smiling at him. And then almost unconsciously touching her hands to her hips. See that? Right there. It's like she's sending him a message that she's ready for childbearing.
Joan Callamezzo: Wow.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: It was way too easy to get this guy here.
Leslie Knope: Councilman Dexhart, this has gone far enough. I want you to hold a press conference and clear my name.
Councilman Dexhart: Mmm, no, thanks.
Ann: Why not? What's in it for you?
Councilman Dexhart: Well, to be honest, being linked to Leslie Is a lot less damning than the real story. You're like a glass of whole milk. What are you, Lutheran? I love Lutherans.
Leslie Knope: Councilman, with all due respect, get a grip. If you don't hold a press conference, I'm gonna come forward and tell the whole story.
Councilman Dexhart: It won't do you any good. Take it from me, denying only makes things worse. Listen, I gotta go. I'm expected at two different maternity wards. But before I go, I'd be remiss if I didn't ask. Should we?
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God!
Councilman Dexhart: People already think we did it. You've got nothing to lose. I'm very good.
Leslie Knope: Get outta here!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey. I've been thinking about your gay boyfriend all day. I have got some awesome ideas.
April: Okay.
Andy: First idea: Spray tan gift certificates.
April: Uh...No.
Andy: Trip to Germany. Germany is awesome.
April: And expensive.
Andy: Good call. I didn't think of that.
April: Okay, you know how people say that you should give gifts that you would want to get yourself? What would you want?
Andy: Easy. Indianapolis Colts Reggie Wayne jersey, number 87, double XL, home blue, signed by Reggie Wayne right after he catches a touchdown to win the Super Bowl.
April: Okay, never mind.
Andy: No? Hip-Hop Abs Dance Fitness DVD.

Quote from Joan Callamezzo

Joan Callamezzo: [on TV] We just received these exclusive photos. We have pictures of city councilman Dexhart...
Leslie Knope: Oh, my god! I cannot believe it!
Donnie Rotger: [on TV] The big issue now is who is this mystery woman? She and knope are standing very close to each other. And anytime you see two women standing very close to each other, you immediately assume...
Ann: No, no, don't say it. Please don't say it.
Donnie Rotger: Lesbian.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh, of course.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [on the phone] Hi, this is Leslie Knope, and I would like Joan to clear all of her guests tomorrow because I'm coming on the show. If you think that you can drag me and my friend through the mud, then you've got-- Yes, I'll hold.

Quote from Joan Callamezzo

Joan Callamezzo: Sex. Drugs, possibly. Rock and roll? We'll find out on Pawnee Today's exclusive interview with the woman at the center of the Dexhart sex scandal, Leslie Knope. Leslie, my first question has to be when did the affair start?
Leslie Knope: Joan, I spoke with Councilman Dexhart for the first time that night. We met for about 15 minutes, and then I went home alone, and that's the whole story.
Joan Callamezzo: Well, Leslie, we all saw the tape from four years ago, and you were flashing some serious "Do me" eyes. That's just my opinion.
Leslie Knope: I don't understand why I'm on trial here. You should be grilling Councilman Dexhart.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh, you know what, that's a really good idea. Uh, let's bring him out. Councilman, come on out.
Councilman Dexhart: Hi, sweetie.
Leslie Knope: Why didn't you tell me he was gonna be here?
Joan Callamezzo: I thought it'd be more exciting.
Councilman Dexhart: You look great.
Joan Callamezzo: [laughs] It's like I'm invisible.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Councilman Dexhart: Joan, this whole Pawnee sun story is "gotcha journalism" at its worst. Honey, let's just keep our private life In the bedroom where it belongs.
Leslie Knope: We do not have a private life. Stop saying that we have a private life. The fact is we never slept together. And if we did, you would have proof. And we would have seen it by now.
Joan Callamezzo: Councilman?
Councilman Dexhart: I can prove it. She has a mole on her right buttock.
Leslie Knope: What? That is a total lie. You've never seen my butt. What are you talking about? He has never seen my butt. [chuckles]
Joan Callamezzo: Well, I guess it's your word against his. I mean...
Leslie Knope: Fine. Here, Joan, why don't you look for yourself?
Joan Callamezzo: Is this happening? Wait...There's no mole. There is no mole! This exclusive story- There is no mole on Miss Knope!
Leslie Knope: I can't believe it's come to this. This is utterly humiliating.
Joan Callamezzo: Well, councilman, care to make a comment about no-mole-gate?
Councilman Dexhart: Yes. I really didn't think that Miss Knope would pull down her pants on TV. But since she did, I will admit that the rumors of our affair are indeed false.
Leslie Knope: Thank you.
Councilman Dexhart: However... I have no plans to resign.
Leslie Knope: Oh, great. Okay, councilman, you know what, you're a class act.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Dave Sanderson: I thought you did great. When you get all feisty like that, it gets my heart racing. Like I'm on a stairmaster. Except more like in a sexual... context.
Leslie Knope: I can't go to San Diego with you. My life is here. My friends, my career.
Dave Sanderson: I guess I just thought, with everything that happened, you'd want a fresh start.
Leslie Knope: I know, I- I really care about you, Dave. I just-- I love this town. I'm sorry. You want your ticket back?
Dave Sanderson: No. You know what, keep it. You may want to come visit me, right? There's a $75 change fee, but I could pay you that, or I could reimburse you. There's a lot of ways we could handle that.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Marlene Knope: Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. That took guts, mooning Joan Callamezzo. Aww, honey...
Leslie Knope: Thanks, mom.

Quote from Mark

Ann: Dude. You remembered me complaining about my computer bag.
Mark: Do you like it?
Ann: Yeah, it's perfect. It's way better than the gift that I got you. It's Pacers tickets.
Mark: Oh...
Ann: They're not even good seats.
Mark: This is awesome.
Ann: It's not awesome.
Mark: I actually got you a second gift. You don't have to come to this game with me. You don't have to.
Ann: That's the nicest gift anybody's ever gotten me in my life.

Quote from Tom

Tom: ♪ Pawnee is a city that ain't very pretty and good government is our goal ♪
April: ♪ we may not be big and our mayor wears a wig but at least the raccoon infestation is under control ♪
All: ♪ It's the most wonderful time in Pawnee ♪

Quote from Andy

Andy: You gotta tell me about him. I don't know anything about him.
April: Okay, he's 23, he's kinda my boyfriend. He's gay. Last year we got drunk and he took me to the ice capades, and I didn't get him anything.
Andy: And he's gay?
April: Yeah.
Andy: Brokeback Mountain DVD.
April: No.
Andy: Fellas love that.
April: No.
Andy: Does he already have, like, chaps? Like, assless chaps?
April: You know what, forget it.


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