Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] It's gotten a lot harder to work in government. You think Winston Churchill ever had to pull his pants down and show his butt? No. But would he have? Yes. Now, could he have? Maybe not towards the end of his life, but he would have. Because he loved his job.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] In a 24-hour news cycle, the tiniest story gets dissected over and over again. In 2004, a kid from Pawnee went to the Olympics, and it was reported on for over a year. He wasn't even competing or anything. He just was going, literally, to watch the Olympics.

Ron Swanson: Oh.
Man: Yeah, I don't think kids should be allowed on the playground equipment.
Ron Swanson: Okay, we've been over this. If you're worried about swine flu, use hand sanitizer.
Man: I'm not worried about swine flu. I already had the swine flu. I'm worried about the turtle flu!
Ron Swanson: The turtle flu...
Man: Turtle flu.
Ron Swanson: Turtle flu.

Ron Swanson: Okay, my name is Ron. You don't need to know my last name. Whoever wants to talk, go ahead, and we'll be out of here in a tight 15.
Woman: I found a sandwich in one of your parks, and I want to know why it didn't have mayonnaise. [Ron laughs] What's so funny?

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] You are getting a rare glimpse at this exclusive, government-only event. Each December, one department puts on a show that spoofs what happened in our town. Prepare to laugh your asnov! [chuckles] Sid Asnov is a former city councilman. Some of the jokes are sort of inside.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I would be lying if I said that I never thought I would be involved in an incident like this. Except I always assumed that I would be the politician, and the man would be accused of sleeping with me. And that man would be the Vice President. And I would be the President.

Tom: Hey, have you figured out what you're getting Ann for Christmas?
Mark: Oh, I got her a pretty great computer bag.
Tom: Yeah? That's a terrible gift.
Mark: No, no, Tom, she needs one. She mentioned it to me two months ago, and I wrote it down. That's what's called being an amazing boyfriend.
Tom: Have you seen Ann? You know how hot she is? Men give women of that caliber speed boats, private jets... Not computer bags.
Mark: Okay, what do you think I should get her?
Tom: Diamonds. Can't go wrong with diamonds.
Mark: Diamonds?
Tom: There isn't a woman alive who doesn't love diamonds. Even the super-left-wing chicks that saw blood diamond and cried... When they get a diamond, they're, like, "Yeah, bitch, gimme more of them blood diamonds! Make 'em extra bloody." Trust me.

Mark: What happened?
Ron Swanson: Got a call from some panicky morning joggers. Apparently sanitation didn't empty this dumpster, to the raccoons' delight.
April: I thought raccoons were supposed to be nocturnal.
Ron Swanson: Not in this town, sweetheart. In this town, they're 24/7. We can't have raccoons for the Christmas thing. They'll hunt the kids for sport.

Joan Callamezzo: [on TV] We are here looking at a videotape. This is back in April, 2005. We see here we're looking at Councilman Dexhart.
Ann: Leslie, you should see this.
Joan Callamezzo: And he's now about to shake hands with Leslie knope, the alleged sex toy.
Leslie Knope: Oh, for cripes sake.
Donnie Rotger: [on TV] Look at the way she's smiling at him. And then almost unconsciously touching her hands to her hips. See that? Right there. It's like she's sending him a message that she's ready for childbearing.
Joan Callamezzo: Wow.

Joan Callamezzo: [on TV] We just received these exclusive photos. We have pictures of city councilman Dexhart...
Leslie Knope: Oh, my god! I cannot believe it!
Donnie Rotger: [on TV] The big issue now is who is this mystery woman? She and knope are standing very close to each other. And anytime you see two women standing very close to each other, you immediately assume...
Ann: No, no, don't say it. Please don't say it.
Donnie Rotger: Lesbian.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh, of course.