Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Debate’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: The Debate

420. The Debate

Aired April 26, 2012

Leslie faces off against Bobby Newport (guest star Paul Rudd) and the other candidates in a televised debate. Meanwhile, Ann breaks up with Tom, and Andy entertains a group of campaign financiers when they gather to watch the debate.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Manrico Della Rossa: And anyone who even rubs their hands on a leather jacket should be tried for murder.
Bobby Newport: I'm an American. My father is an American. My mother is an American. My godfather is the viceroy of the principality of Liechtenstein.
Fester Trim: Once again, people, grenade launcher.
Bobby Newport: Daniel Craig. No... Timothy Dalton.
Leslie Knope: I was in favor of closing the Borders bookstore, not the border to Mexico.

Rate

Quote from Leslie Knope

Perd Hapley: And, Leslie Knope, closing statement?
Leslie Knope: [exhales] I'm very angry. I'm angry that Bobby Newport would hold this town hostage and threaten to leave if you don't give him what he wants. It's despicable. Corporations are not allowed to dictate what a city needs. That power belongs to the people. Bobby Newport and his daddy would like you to think it belongs to them. I love this town. And when you love something, you don't threaten it. You don't punish it. You fight for it. You take care of it. You put it first. As your city councilor, I will make sure that no one takes advantage of Pawnee. If I seem too passionate, it's because I care. If I come on strong, it's because I feel strongly. And if push too hard, it's because things aren't moving fast enough. This is my home. You are my family. And I promise you... I'm not going anywhere.
Bobby Newport: Holy [bleep], Leslie, that was awesome.
Leslie Knope: Thanks, Bobby.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Scrawny Christians, missionaries, come to him, and they're like, "Are you John Rambo?" He's like, "Yeah." And they're like, "We need you to take us upriver." And he's like, "It's a war zone up there." And they're like, "Yeah, we know. We're gonna change things." And he's like, "You bringing any weapons?" They're like, "Of course not." "Then you're not changing anything. Go home." And then they come back in a rainstorm. This time he says, "Nope. Go home." They go home again. Bottom line, they go upriver. Does not go well.

Quote from Chris

Ben: Okay, everybody, latest poll is Newport, 40%, Leslie, 32%, with everyone else way back. Now this debate is our best chance to close that gap. Chris, Ann, and Tom, you guys will be talking to reporters, providing facts, general spin.
Chris & Ann: Spin team!
Chris: This is the best possible job for me. I can literally make anything sound positive.
Tom: Your house just burned down, and you lost all your money in the stock market.
Chris: It's a chance to start over. Fire is cleansing, and true wealth is measured by the amount of love in your life.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: If I had to have anybody tell me that I had cancer, I would want it to be me.

Quote from Andy

Andy: And that's how it ends. I loved it. It's called Babe. And I know it sounds corny. Talking pig. Whatever. You should all see it.
Donna: [sniffles] I feel like I just did.

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: I finally get a chance to stand in front of everyone and talk about the town that I love. What if the town loves Bobby more than me?
Ben: There's no way. You're going to destroy him.
Leslie Knope: I'm going to wipe the floor with his face.
Ben: You're going to rip out his spine with your teeth and then chew it up and gargle with it.
Leslie Knope: [giggles] I love it when you're needlessly disgusting.

Quote from Andy

Tanda: So you do a lot of investing?
Andy: We like to dabble. I recently invested in some shirts I got at a garage sale. Left those at Wendy's on the way home. [fake laughs] So... The economy. [fake laughter]

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Hello. You are here because you gave us money. Now we will give you ribs. Also you will watch the debate. If you like the debate, you'll give us more money. That is all. Ron Swanson.

Quote from Andy

April: I can't get through to the cable company. Can you do something?
Ron Swanson: Like what?
April: Anything. Andy's just acting out scenes from his favorite movies.
Andy: [imitates motorcycle engine] So Swayze runs, boom! Tackles the guy off the motorcycle. Dude's like, "You're dead, bro!" Comes at him. Swayze ducks, scissor kick. Sha! The guy has Swayze's head. And he says, "I used to [bleep] guys like you in prison." By the looks of this guy, this is not consensual sex we're talking about. We see bad guy had a gun the whole time. He's like, "I'ma kill you the old-fashioned way." Swayze's like, "Not this time." That's subtext. He doesn't say that. Bypasses the gun, hooks the arm. Back to the secret move he used before to kill somebody, he feels so bad about it. But this time he has to do it because it's self-defense. K-k-k-kah! Takes the esophagus out of the neck area. You can't eat. You'll starve to death. And that is Road House.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Joan Callamezzo: What should I do next? Leslie Knope. This question is about Pawnee's park system. Why is Ramsett Park so filthy and awful?
Leslie Knope: It's difficult to get into the complicated problems with Ramsett Park in such a short amount of time.
Perd Hapley: You have 20 seconds.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, okay. I will say that the parks in Pawnee--
Perd Hapley: I do have an update on your time allotment, and that update is that your time is almost gone.
Leslie Knope: I have no more time left?
Perd Hapley: Well, you had some time when I started talking, but by the time I finished, your time was up. Thank you very much.

Quote from Tom

Tom: But Bobby Newport is super handsome and charming, so that means people will probably vote for him because there's no justice in the world.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Fester Trim: Well, there's no reason on earth that I can think of that we shouldn't have concussion grenades in our nation's movie theaters.
Bobby Newport: By the year 2013, we will have a fully functional mall on Jupiter.
Leslie Knope: Sure, I agree that movies should be more faithful to the books that they are based on, but what does that have to do with this election?
Brandi Maxxxx: All my movies are based on books.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [sings] I am lineman for the county And the Wichita lineman [siren wails in distance] Is still the line

Quote from Joan Callamezzo

Joan Callamezzo: And I am legendary newswoman Joan Callamezzo, newly single. It's time for opening statements.


 Episode 419 Episode 421 
  Select another episode