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‘New Beginnings’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: New Beginnings

611. New Beginnings

Aired January 16, 2014

When Leslie returns to her old job in the Parks Department, she struggles to recognize her employees have grown since she left them. April, Andy and Donna pull a prank on their new tightly-wound boss, Ben. Meanwhile, Chris and Ann wonder whether they should get engaged as they start their new life together.

Quote from Andy

Ben: Look, guys, I'm sorry about all the new rules, But, you know, I want you to like me. But I also really need you to respect me.
Andy: I respect you, little buddy. Come here. Mm, respect noogie.
Ben: Ah!
Donna: We didn't prank you 'cause we don't respect you. We did it 'cause we love you.
Andy: [sings] R-e-s-p-e-g-c
Ben: Well, that's actually not how respect is spelled.
April: Yes.
Andy: According to Urethra Franklin, that's exactly how it's spelled.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Great news, guys. I just saved your bacon.
Ron Swanson: Impossible. You don't even know where it is.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Bathroom breaks should be limited to five minutes? I can't shower in five minutes.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hey, Tom, I don't mean to bug you or anything, but I notice that my super system binder is closed. Just checking that you had a chance to refamiliarize yourself entirely.
Tom: Yeah, flipped through it. Looks good.
Leslie Knope: Huh. You're lying. I placed a single strand of hair along the edge, and that secret strand is unbroken.
Ron Swanson: Whose hair is that? It's brown.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: I know you were excited to get in front of the committee and rip it, but in the spirit of teamwork, I unilaterally decided to bring Stu out of retirement. So pressure's off.
Tom: What? I spent a lot of time on this.
Leslie Knope: Doin' what, putting mousse in your hair?
Tom: It's a gel-based serum. Second of all, who uses mousse still? Oh, God. Leslie. Let's put our differences aside for a second. Friend to friend, do you still use mousse?
Leslie Knope: No, I use the juicy space thing. Whatever you do.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hello, I am Leslie Knope, and I am here to interview for the Deputy Parks Director job.
Ron Swanson: Leslie, this is ridiculous. It's your job. Take it.
Leslie Knope: Well, I should have to interview just like everyone else.
Ron Swanson: Mm.
Leslie Knope: Now, if you'll see on my resume, I held the position of Deputy Director of Parks and Recreation for almost ten years.
Ron Swanson: I know. I was your boss. I also walked you down the aisle at your wedding. Take the job and leave me alone.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Come on, Ron. Just interview me. No special treatment.
Ron Swanson: Okay, fine. What do you believe should be the ultimate goal of this department?
Leslie Knope: The ancient Greek version of the park was the agora, a gathering place where people from all walks of life-- What are you writing? Is it good?
Ron Swanson: What do you think is the best use of our yearly budget?
Leslie Knope: It's right there in the name: Maintaining our beautiful parks and providing healthy outdoor recreation.
Ron Swanson: I'm sorry, Ms. Knope, the correct answer is "Give it all back to the taxpayers." It seems you and I have fundamentally different philosophies. Frankly, it's a miracle we ever worked together without killing each other. Good day.
Leslie Knope: Ha, ha, okay. No more goofing around. Just tell me I have the job.
Ron Swanson: I have a lot of other people to meet with. I'll be in touch.
Leslie Knope: Ron, come on, it's me. Give me special treatment.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: No. What idea?
Ron Swanson: The fella who runs the hot stew stand in Lafayette Park is retiring, so Pawnee's new business liaison, Tom, went out and got the Indiana Brothers Juice Company to rent it out as a lemonade stand.
Leslie Knope: Wow.
Tom: [pop, fizz] Plus, I downloaded this dope app that pops champagne whenever I say something awesome.
Leslie Knope: Tom, that's great.
Tom: I know. And it was only 9 bucks.
Leslie Knope: No, I mean, the lemonade-- never mind.

Quote from Jerry

Chris: Oh, Larry. We've been taking pictures all over City Hall to show our unborn baby where we met. Would you mind?
Jerry: Oh, my gosh. I would be honored. [chuckles] Say, when are you crazy kids gonna get hitched?
Ann: Well, you know, actually, we haven't discussed it in a while.
Chris: No, it's kind of taken a back seat.
Jerry: Well, you know, to each his own, but you guys really seem like you're in love. And when I see a couple who look at each other the way you do, I don't know, it just makes me think that maybe this crazy world is gonna be okay.
Chris: [laughs] That literally went on forever. I thought you were never gonna stop talking. But now that you have... Ann Perkins, will you marry me?
Jerry: [gasps; gags]
Ann: Wow.
Jerry: [gasps] Cracker dust.
Ann: Uh, I mean, yes, of-- of course, l-let's do it.
Jerry: Can I have a sip of your water, please?
Chris: Oh, no, no, no. I'm--I'm a bit of a germaphobe.
Jerry: Oh, no, no, totally understand. [coughs]
Chris: Ann Perkins...
Jerry: I'm gonna cough it out.
Chris: I would like to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you.
Ann: I love you too.
Jerry: [hacking]
Ann: No part of this is how I pictured it.
Jerry: I thought another cracker might push it through, but I was wrong.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Anyway, I want you guys to think of my office as a clubhouse, total open-door policy. I wanna be your friend as well as your boss.
April: What the hell is wrong with you? Are you in a cult? Can I join? Let's sacrifice Larry.
Ben: [laughs] Oh, April.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: It's my first day as city manager, so I'm holding open office hours to break the ice. Now, Chris was always the nice guy that made everyone happy, while I brought down the hammer. But now that he's gone, I kind of have to do both. Everyone is the best. We're cutting vacation time. Let's eat vitamins. This is exhausting.

Quote from April

April: No cell phone usage on City Hall property? That's not fair, my cell phone is how I avoid doing work.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: This is an elk hair.
Leslie Knope: Yes. It's the most effective hair for binder security. You know that, Ron.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] If Tom gives that presentation, it is going to be a total disaster for both him and the department. I cannot sit idly by and watch this terrible thing happen. I mean, I can barely sit idly by and watch good things happen.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Carter: We're here to discuss a business contract for the Lafayette Park food stand. Miss Knope, you've always steered this committee in the right direction. Why do you think we should renew Hot Stu's lease?
Leslie Knope: Well, frankly, it's because of Stu. Here's a man who was ready to retire, spend time with his family, travel. And then he realized, "No, I wanna spend my time in a small metal box all summer, bent over a boiling cauldron of steaming, bubbling meat." Making stew is hard: Up at the crack of dawn, backbreaking labor, your clothes smelling like salt and gristle. Sure, profits are minimal, but Stu doesn't care about that. Maybe a year extension isn't enough. Maybe we should make it five years. Heck, why don't we give him a lifetime deal? I'd like to see Stu ladling out his pungent beef smoothies until we bury him under that shed.
Stu: I think I've made a terrible mistake.
Carter: Okay, that was bleak.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Here's a little gift for you for believing in me.
Leslie Knope: Oh.
Tom: It's a gel-based hair serum. Enough with the mousse, for real.
Leslie Knope: Okay.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Well, Ron, you were right. Tom has really grown up.
Ron Swanson: You seem merely overjoyed instead of irritatingly ecstatic. Why?
Leslie Knope: Well, Tom's come into his own. April runs Animal Control. I mean, does this department even need me anymore?
Ron Swanson: No. We do not. April and Tom started out as two of the most apathetic people I had ever met. It's why I hired them. Then you betrayed me and turned them into efficient and caring government employees. This office can indeed function without you. And soon, it'll have to.
Leslie Knope: Was that a death threat?
Ron Swanson: We both know you're not gonna be here forever. This is a weigh station on the road to bigger and better things. Whenever you do move on, it should please you to know that - God help me - you've built a well-functioning government agency.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Oh, that reminds me. I know you don't open your mail, but I do. And because you created Tom's position-- business liaison-- and it's already financially paying off, you have received Pawnee's Government Employee of the Month. I mean, it has taken--
[Ron grabs the frame, looks both ways as he runs out of his office, heads to his wood shop, cuts the frame in half, burns it, then buries it across state lines in Illinois]


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