TV Quotes

Ron Swanson: Okay, here's the situation.
Leslie Knope: Your parents went away on a week's vacation. They left the keys to the brand new Porsche. Would they mind? Mm... Well, of course not. [rapping] I'll just take it for a little spin And maybe show it off to a couple of friends I'll just cruise around the neighborhood. Well, maybe I shouldn't Yeah! Of course I should Pay attention, here's the thick of the plot Pulled up to the corner at the end of my block That's when I saw this beautiful girly-girl walking I picked up my car phone to perpetrate like I was talking Sunroof was open, the music was high And that girl's hand was steadily moving up my thigh She had opened up three buttons on her shirt so far I guess that's why I didn't notice that police car I can't believe it! I made a mistake But parents are the same No matter time nor place So to all you kids all across the land No need to argue Parents just don't understand [cheers and applause] Thank you. Thank you. Just a little something I know. So, what's up?
Ron Swanson: Someone is on fire in Ramsett Park. They need you to get down there right away.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God.

April: Hey. This is my boyfriend, Derek, and this is Derek's boyfriend, Ben.
Ben: Hi.
Leslie Knope: Hey. Oh! Wait, sorry, what's the situation?
April: What do you mean?
Leslie Knope: How does this work?
April: Derek is gay, but he's straight for me, but he's gay for Ben, and Ben's really gay for Derek. And I hate Ben.
Derek: It's not that complicated.
Ben: No.

Jerry: Hey, Leslie, some guy who owns a gay bar sent you a cake.
Leslie Knope: Pawnee has a gay bar?
Ron Swanson: Yeah. The Bulge. It's behind my house.
Leslie Knope: The Bulge is a gay bar? Uh, the nights I've wasted there.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I've been spending the summer doing a lot of zoo promotions. Parrots live a very long time. So we had a birthday party for a parrot that turned 60. Chimpanzees are very smart, so we had them graduate from college. And they like to fling their feces, so we were hoping that they would fling their hats. But they just flung their feces. The Pawnee Zoo recently purchased two South African black-footed penguins, Tux and Flipper. And as part of our zoo promotion, we are going to give them a marriage ceremony, because they mate for life.

Leslie Knope: Brendanawicz, you big sandwich eater.
Mark: Oh... Cut it out, now.
Leslie Knope: Just to be clear, that was a friend punch. There was no flirtatious meaning behind that playful punch I just gave your arm.
Mark: Yes, I do understand. You've made it abundantly clear that there's no romantic element to our relationship in any way.
Leslie Knope: Yes. Good. Isn't it good to be able to just kind of horse around like this as friends?
Mark: It is. Yeah.
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Mark: I really hit rock bottom that night. And I mean that I literally fell to the bottom of a pit and hit a rock. I remember laying there thinking, "There's probably a good reason why I'm down here... and single." And then I started thinking, "I need morphine."

Mark: Oh, yeah, I hear you made two male penguins very happy today. You're making history, Knope. I like that. Sticking your neck out, you know.
Leslie Knope: No, I didn't stick my neck out. It was an accident.
Mark: Out of the mainstream. I think that's cool.
Leslie Knope: I'm in the mainstream.
Mark: Yeah, I know.
Leslie Knope: No, no. Not out of it.
Mark: Social activism.
Leslie Knope: No! Uh-uh.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: People in this town don't really like their government employees being activists. Last year, a garbage man was suspended for wearing a Live Strong bracelet.

Donna: Hey, why are you all dolled up?
Leslie Knope: It's a long story. I'm the guest of honor at this gay bar tonight. I guess gay men are starting to like me. I don't know. I guess they think I'm fabulous or something.
Donna: Well, you look good, girl. You're gonna turn somebody tonight. [Leslie laughs]
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: That was hands-down the best interaction I've ever had with Donna.

Ann: [aside to camera] Mark was brought to my hospital the night of the accident. He was here for a week. I think when his head hit the ground, it must've knocked something loose, because he's actually a pretty nice guy now. And Andy, after we broke up, he told me he was going to Kansas to climb mountains. So, I don't really know where he is.

Leslie Knope: I can't believe this is a gay bar.
Tom: Yeah, especially with that heterosexual cowboy greeting us on the way in.
Leslie Knope: Where should I drink now?
Tom: There's a bar on Eighth Street called Pitchers and Catchers. You can go there.

April: She's Leslie Knope, and she wants to recruit you!
Leslie Knope: No, no, no. Oh, my. Okay. Please, please, please, please. Gentlemen. First of all, I would just like to say thank you so much for throwing me this party, especially on a night when the Colts are playing. [silence]
Man: We love you, Leslie!
Leslie Knope: Okay. This is green. [downs shot]
All: [chants] Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! Leslie!
Leslie Knope: Okay! Well, I wanted to tell you that I wasn't really trying to take a stand when I married those penguins.
All: Leslie! Leslie! Leslie!
Leslie Knope: You're chanting my name.
All: Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! Leslie! Leslie!
Leslie Knope: I just have one thing to say! Together we can change Pawnee forever! Let's dance!