Dr. Van Dyne: So we ran all your tests, and everything looks great. You might be the healthiest human being we've ever seen. You have the resting heart rate of a 100-year-old tortoise.
Chris: Yes, I get that a lot.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I am putting together a scrapbook commemorating my first year on the city council. This year whizzed by so fast. There was so much more I wanted to do. But time is the relentless and cruel enemy of the devoted civil servant. It's actually one of the sub-titles of my scrapbook. Probably would've got more stuff done if I hadn't spent so much time brainstorming scrapbook titles.

Tom: Here are the last of the Animal Control reports.
April: What are you doing, weirdo?
Tom: Just trying not to spill anything.
Ron Swanson: I believe Leslie said to organize these by year.
Tom: Way ahead of you. I made two pile files. [laughter] Pilo fibles. Ugh. Filo pilos.
Andy: Filo pilos? That's not right.
Donna: Are you broken?
Tom: No, everything's fine.
April: Well, I guess that settles who the new Jerry is.
Tom: No, it doesn't! I barely even said it wrong.
Andy: Said it wrong.
Tom: Stop it! [laughter]
[aside to camera:]
Tom: This is how it begins. The next "Jerry." One screwed-up sentence, and 30 years later, I'm wearing aquamarine sweater vests and listening to Bonnie Raitt and The Da Vinci Code on my iPod. It's already started.

Tom: Ronfire of the vanities.
Ron Swanson: Filo Pilo.
Tom: Are you kidding me? Listen, now that Jerry's gone, we need to hire someone to pick up the slack.
Ron Swanson: A new person in the office?
Tom: Not a person. An intern.
Ron Swanson: Why on earth would I get an intern?
Tom: Interns cost nothing to the taxpayer. And more importantly, they're usually stupid and terrible. So they get no work done. It's like a Jerry you don't have to pay.
Ron Swanson: Damn, son. That is one compelling argument. Keep it up, Filo. We may destroy this government one day after all.

Tom: This is a sad day. Who are we gonna make fun of now?
Ron Swanson: No need to worry. Every place I've ever worked in has had a "Jerry." When one Jerry leaves, the office naturally selects a new Jerry to fill that role. It's Social Darwinism. The strong prey on the weak. Soon, one of you will be ridiculed mercilessly. Ah, nature.

Tom: Ron, ask me if I'm sad.
Ron Swanson: No.
Tom: Ron, I'm the new Jerry.
Ron Swanson: Well, is whining going to do anything about it? You don't want to be a whipping boy. Stand up for yourself.
Tom: You don't understand, Ron. I already was Jerry. I was a skinny Indian kid in South Carolina, and it sucked. It took me 12 years, but I reinvented myself. I'm a business owner. I wear dope suits. I have fur underwear. It was all for nothing. I'm back to being a Jerry. All right. I gotta buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as well lean into it.

Ben: Hey, while you were over at Jerry's, did you happen to get any information about his history with Gayle? Like, was she a Russian spy and the KGB forced her to marry Jerry as a cover?
Leslie Knope: You know, it's a mystery, Ben. Let it go.
Ben: Yeah, I can't. It keeps me awake at night. Hey, maybe Gayle has one of those Oliver Sacks brain disorder thingies? Like, does she think Jerry is a friendly hat?
Leslie Knope: I think you solved it.

Jerry: Leslie, that is really sweet of you, but you don't have to worry about me. I'm great. Here. I want to show you something.
Leslie Knope: Okay.
Jerry: [catches mug] No! You also dropped that, clumsy. [throws mug in the air and catches it; laughter]
Leslie Knope: Where am I?

Jerry: I know I didn't achieve all my work goals, but, Leslie, I don't care because for me, the best part about working in the Parks department was that I got to be home every night with my family at 5:00. And to me, that's what mattered most.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Tom can take care of himself. He's a grown man. Well, half-grown. He does have a business where he rents out his clothes to 12-year-olds.