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‘Jerry's Retirement’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Jerry's Retirement

520. Jerry's Retirement

Aired April 18, 2013

When Jerry announces it's his last day at the Parks Department, Leslie tries to make it meaningful. After Jerry leaves, Tom becomes the butt of the joke in the office. Meanwhile, Ann and Chris awkwardly move forward with their plan to have a baby.

Quote from Chris

Dr. Van Dyne: So we ran all your tests, and everything looks great. You might be the healthiest human being we've ever seen. You have the resting heart rate of a 100-year-old tortoise.
Chris: Yes, I get that a lot.

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Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I am putting together a scrapbook commemorating my first year on the city council. This year whizzed by so fast. There was so much more I wanted to do. But time is the relentless and cruel enemy of the devoted civil servant. It's actually one of the sub-titles of my scrapbook. Probably would've got more stuff done if I hadn't spent so much time brainstorming scrapbook titles.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Here are the last of the Animal Control reports.
April: What are you doing, weirdo?
Tom: Just trying not to spill anything.
Ron Swanson: I believe Leslie said to organize these by year.
Tom: Way ahead of you. I made two pile files. [laughter] Pilo fibles. Ugh. Filo pilos.
Andy: Filo pilos? That's not right.
Donna: Are you broken?
Tom: No, everything's fine.
April: Well, I guess that settles who the new Jerry is.
Tom: No, it doesn't! I barely even said it wrong.
Andy: Said it wrong.
Tom: Stop it! [laughter]
[aside to camera:]
Tom: This is how it begins. The next "Jerry." One screwed-up sentence, and 30 years later, I'm wearing aquamarine sweater vests and listening to Bonnie Raitt and The Da Vinci Code on my iPod. It's already started.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Tom: This is a sad day. Who are we gonna make fun of now?
Ron Swanson: No need to worry. Every place I've ever worked in has had a "Jerry." When one Jerry leaves, the office naturally selects a new Jerry to fill that role. It's Social Darwinism. The strong prey on the weak. Soon, one of you will be ridiculed mercilessly. Ah, nature.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Tom: Ronfire of the vanities.
Ron Swanson: Filo Pilo.
Tom: Are you kidding me? Listen, now that Jerry's gone, we need to hire someone to pick up the slack.
Ron Swanson: A new person in the office?
Tom: Not a person. An intern.
Ron Swanson: Why on earth would I get an intern?
Tom: Interns cost nothing to the taxpayer. And more importantly, they're usually stupid and terrible. So they get no work done. It's like a Jerry you don't have to pay.
Ron Swanson: Damn, son. That is one compelling argument. Keep it up, Filo. We may destroy this government one day after all.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Ron, ask me if I'm sad.
Ron Swanson: No.
Tom: Ron, I'm the new Jerry.
Ron Swanson: Well, is whining going to do anything about it? You don't want to be a whipping boy. Stand up for yourself.
Tom: You don't understand, Ron. I already was Jerry. I was a skinny Indian kid in South Carolina, and it sucked. It took me 12 years, but I reinvented myself. I'm a business owner. I wear dope suits. I have fur underwear. It was all for nothing. I'm back to being a Jerry. All right. I gotta buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as well lean into it.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Hey, while you were over at Jerry's, did you happen to get any information about his history with Gayle? Like, was she a Russian spy and the KGB forced her to marry Jerry as a cover?
Leslie Knope: You know, it's a mystery, Ben. Let it go.
Ben: Yeah, I can't. It keeps me awake at night. Hey, maybe Gayle has one of those Oliver Sacks brain disorder thingies? Like, does she think Jerry is a friendly hat?
Leslie Knope: I think you solved it.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Leslie, that is really sweet of you, but you don't have to worry about me. I'm great. Here. I want to show you something.
Leslie Knope: Okay.
Jerry: [catches mug] No! You also dropped that, clumsy. [throws mug in the air and catches it; laughter]
Leslie Knope: Where am I?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I know I didn't achieve all my work goals, but, Leslie, I don't care because for me, the best part about working in the Parks department was that I got to be home every night with my family at 5:00. And to me, that's what mattered most.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Well, this is better than meatloaf. When Jerry first applied for this job, one of this goals was to have a building named after him. Again, that is an absurd request considering your work record. But I thought maybe he could have a room named after him. So henceforth, Parks and Rec conference room will serve as a testament to your years of public service.
Jerry: Oh, my God.
Leslie Knope: Hear, hear.
Jerry: "Jerry Gergich Memorial Conference Room. R.I.P."? [Ron chuckles]
Ben: Oh, the guy at the plaque store thought you had died. It was a rush job, so we didn't have time to change it.
Leslie Knope: It doesn't matter. We can just pretend it means retire in peace.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Tom can take care of himself. He's a grown man. Well, half-grown. He does have a business where he rents out his clothes to 12-year-olds.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Hey. I didn't find the article about you teaching sex-ed to seniors, but I did find this folder labeled "Senior sex-ed thank you notes."
Leslie Knope: Oh, don't open that. There's pictures in there.
Ben: Oh! There are pictures. There are lots of pictures. Why would you not throw these away or incinerate them?
Leslie Knope: Because every memory deserves to be chronicled. Even the saggy ones.

Quote from April

Leslie Knope: Hey, April. I'll be gone for the next 19 1/2 hours, so can you water my plants in my office?
April: We are all out of water, actually. I'll have to use boiling hot milk.
Leslie Knope: Are you really gonna do that?
April: Yes.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Here I am thinking about how fast my first year in city council has gone, and Jerry has had 40 years whiz past him with nothing to show for it. This is everything in his file: a handicapped parking sticker from when he got gout, a Parks and Rec golf cart driving exam which he failed, a scathing performance review. I mean, why would anyone be so mean? Oh, wait. I wrote this. I stand by it.

Quote from Chris

Ann: Okay. My transfer was approved. So starting now, I am an employee of the County Health Board. You are no longer my boss, and we can have a baby without being a conflict of interest. Clear sailing.
Chris: Goodbye, Ann Perkins, my excellent employee. Hello, Ann Perkins, my fallopian princess.

Quote from Chris

Donny: So here's the drill. Make a deposit in here. If you fill it up all the way, you get on the board. Then we take the sample, spin it in the centrifuge, and prepare it for fertilization.
Chris: Sounds romantic. I guess it's go time.
Ann: Go time! Wait, what am I doing? I don't go with you.
Chris: Oh, no, no. I go in alone with this pornographic disc and do it myself. And you stay out here and try not to think about what I'm doing in there. And I try not to think about you waiting out here trying not to think about me. Should I think about you? This is so weird.

Quote from Tom

Andy: One, three, seven, two, five, nine. Pffft! Sudoku is easy. Is there even rules to this game?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: There's a natural successor to Jerry's sad, smelly crown. And it's not me. It's Andy. Big guy? Check. Goofy? Check. All I have to do is wait for a textbook Dwyer screw-up, which usually happens, mm, every 20 minutes.

Quote from Donna

Donna: Barking up the wrong tree, Filo.
Tom: What do you mean?
Donna: Andy will never be the new Jerry. Nothing embarrasses him. He's like a giant puppy with no shame. What you need is some fresh meat in the office.
Tom: Or you guys could just stop making fun of me.
Donna: Yeah. No.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, on to the next Jerry goal: meet Mayor Knudson.
Jerry: Oh, yeah. He was the mayor at the time. [laughs] I've always wanted to meet him.
Leslie Knope: Well, today you're getting that chance.
Ben: So was he like a really great mayor?
Leslie Knope: No, not really. He resigned because of corruption and racketeering, and then he died from an overdose of pills. But actually his real cause of death was being thrown out of a helicopter while handcuffed. Some people say he's still alive because they never found the body, but they never found the body because he exploded on impact.

Quote from Chris

Chris: These pamphlets are fascinating. It says here that some men gain "sympathy weight" when their partners get pregnant. If that happens to me, I'd be miserable. But happy. But sad.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hey, Jerry. Do you have a second?
Jerry: Leslie. Well, this is a lovely surprise. Come on in. Have breakfast with the family.
Leslie Knope: That's okay. I just popped by to apologize and to give you something.
Gayle: Is that Leslie Knope?
Leslie Knope: Oh, hi, Gayle.
Gayle: What a surprise. I insist you join us for breakfast. This guy is the greatest breakfast chef in the world.
Leslie Knope: You know, I'm not really into breakfast foods.
Jerry: Really? Your purse is shaped like a waffle.
Leslie Knope: Is it?

Quote from Ron Swanson

April: What are you doing here, Jerry? I thought you were fired.
Jerry: I wasn't fired. I retired.
Andy: That's what they all say.
Ron Swanson: I asked Jerry to come in. That new intern wasn't working out, so I got rid of him.
Donna: Once again, I object in the strongest possible terms.
Ron Swanson: Once again, noted. I have also asked Jerry to come in a couple hours a week until we find a permanent replacement.
April: Ugh, just when we were rid of him?
Tom: Yeah, I don't know, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Are you hearing me, son? Jerry will come in once a week, and everyone will get to watch him eat and talk to him about anything he might do or say or fart.
Tom: Welcome back, Jerry.
Jerry: Thank you. Oh, it feels good just to be ba-- [trips]
Andy: [chuckles] Classic new guy.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I'm sorry that I spent your day off with Jerry instead of relaxing with you.
Ben: It's all right. And after you fell asleep making Jerry's scrapbook, I went back to season one of Fringe to check for plot holes. As I suspected, airtight.
Leslie Knope: I'm sorry. This is all my fault. I love my job. But in the blink of an eye, I'm gonna be retiring, you know, and flying off on Marine One with you and a Secret Service detail. Achievements are great, but I want more than that. I want what Jerry has. I mean, we're always gonna work, but I think we need to fill this scrapbook too. Maybe we should take a real day off and talk about starting our family.


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