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‘Li'l Sebastian’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Li'l Sebastian

316. Li'l Sebastian

Aired May 19, 2011

Leslie and her colleagues arrange a memorial service when Li'l Sebastian, the town's famous mini-horse, dies. Ron finds out about Leslie and Ben's relationship. Chris faces his own mortality when he's diagnosed with tendonitis. Meanwhile, Tom considers leaving the government to work at Jean-Ralphio's entertainment start-up.

Quote from Andy

Leslie Knope: We'd like to encourage everyone to buy our merchandise. All the proceeds will go towards Li'I Sebastian's favorite charity, the Afghan Institute of Learning. Next, we have a special musical tribute by Mr. Andy Dwyer.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: What's 5,000 times better than a candle in the wind?
[back:]
Andy: This song is called 5,000 Candles in the Wind. [plays guitar and sings] Up in horsey heaven Here's the thing You trade your legs for angel's wings And once we've all said goodbye You take a running leap and you learn to fly Bye-bye, Li'I Sebastian I miss you in the saddest fashion Bye-bye, Li'I Sebastian You're 5,000 candles in the wind [crowd applauds]

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half-mast, I thought, "All right. Another bureaucrat ate it." But then I found out it was Li'I Sebastian. Half-mast is too high. Show some damned respect.

Quote from Tammy Two

Tammy Two: Two of my lovers in one place. What a coincidence.
Ron Swanson: Tammy.
Tammy Two: Hello, Ron. Ooh, what happened here? And more importantly, does the carpet match the face?
Ron Swanson: If you're looking for trouble, take it somewhere else. An hour ago, a giant fireball consumed my entire face. And it was far preferable to spending another second with you.
Tammy Two: Tell that to your pants-tent.
Ron Swanson: It's just the way I'm standing. Go back to the library, where you belong.

Quote from Chris

Chris: [aside to camera] What's the point in doing 10,000 push-ups if you're gonna do them alone? I'd much rather do 5,000 push-ups with a wonderful woman. Sitting on my back to increase my resistance.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [aside to camera] Yeah, I think we can do that for a million. Okay, we'll talk soon. There was no one on the other end of that phone call, but soon there will be. Welcome to the Dreamatorium, A.K.A. the headquarters of Entertainment 7Twenty. It's only two blocks away from City Hall, but it's a whole new world over here. We got a pool table, a ping-pong table, a lounge area, a couch with a ceiling on it, in-house DJ. DJ Blunt. And best of all, former NBA superstar Detlef Schrempf is on retainer. What's up, Detlef?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Please, Ron, I am very sorry. I guess I put too much fuel in the torch.
Ron Swanson: Oh, I don't know, Jerry. I think you're being hard on yourself.
Jerry: Ron, are you mad at me? 'Cause without eyebrows, I can't really tell.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: From now on, we stop mourning Li'I Sebastian's death, and we start celebrating his life. That's what he would have wanted.
Ron Swanson: Amen. We need to send that glorious beast into the great beyond with a display that rivals the Super Bowl half-time show. Also, the budget is $600.

Quote from Chris

Dr. Harris: Well, the good news is this is just tendonitis.
Chris: How is that good news?
Dr. Harris: The other option was shoulder cancer.
Chris: Really?
Dr. Harris: No. Look, you exercise a lot. You're in great shape. Little things like this happen with men of your age.
Chris: Men of my age? How old do you think I am?
Dr. Harris: Forty-two.
Chris: [scoffs] I am 44, and I plan to live to be 150.
Dr. Harris: Okay.
Chris: So. What's the cure?
Dr. Harris: Get a time machine. Go back to being 20.
Chris: Dr. Harris, you are literally the meanest person I have ever met.

Quote from Tom

Tom: For the memorial ribbons?
Jean-Ralphio: No doubt. Which one floats your penis?
Jerry: They're all black.
Tom: Maybe to the layman, Jerry. Obsidian, onyx, midnight, lost soul, rolling blackout, sleeping panther, and void by Armani. Hey, Jerry, does this look black to you, too?

Quote from Tom

Tom: [affected accent on video] Who are we? Where are we going in life? What is the meaning of all of this? These are questions Li'I Sebastian never had to answer because he was a horse. Instead, he just brought us
joy and happiness. And isn't that the point? There was no obstacle too large. No mountain too high. No valley too low. Li'I Sebastian had a long life, filled with wonder. Good night, Li'I Sebastian. Forever.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I have some very important news about our favorite mini-horse, Li'I Sebastian.
All: Yay! Li'I Sebastian!
Leslie Knope: He died last night.
Jerry: No.
Leslie Knope: But we can take comfort in the fact that he is in heaven now, doing the two things he loves doing the most. Eating carrots and urinating freely.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Because of all he's done for the town, we are gonna be holding a small memorial service for him. But for now, I think we should bow our heads in a moment of silence.
[As a janitor wheels his cart in, Shania Twain's "Man! I Feel Like a Woman" plays on the radio]
Leslie Knope: [takes trash can] I got it, thank you.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] It's times like this, when someone, or some horse, passes, that you really take stock of your life. You look around you, and you start to realize what it is that you truly care about. For Li'I Sebastian, I imagine it was good fresh oats, a trough of water, and a willing sexual partner. Or non-willing. He was a horse, so I think they had to do it either way.

Quote from Ann

Ben: Hey... Hey, Ann, how's it going?
Ann: You don't have to pretend. I know you're supposed to meet Leslie here.
Ben: But I'm also curious about how it's going.
Ann: Mmm-hmm. Leslie's busy, she's working on the Li'I Sebastian memorial service. But you know what? She did give me this note to give to you, and she also wanted me to kiss you deeply, which I'm going to have to pass on.
Ben: [chuckles] Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: I really like my new part-time job here. My office mate moved down the hall so I have this whole room just for me. And Ben and Leslie, who secretly meet here... forty times a day.
Ben: [chuckles] She drew a kiss monster on the note.
Ann: Yeah.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, here is a memo with some facts about Li'I Sebastian. I think you'll find yours particularly interesting.
Ben: It's just a list of facts.
Leslie Knope: What?
Jerry: Okay, mine says, "You have a cute butt."
Leslie Knope: That's weird. Must be a typo.
April: Yeah, Jerry, it's probably a typo, because it probably should've said, "You have a cube butt."
Tom: [laughs] 'Cause your butt's shaped like a cube. Yeah.
Jerry: The question is, why is my memo different than everyone else's?
Leslie Knope: [chanting] Cube butt, cube butt.
All: [chanting] Cube butt, cube butt.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Tom: Question! Who's a genius? Answer, Tom Haverford. Reason, Jean-Ralphio just started an exclusive, high-end production company, and he's willing to put on Li'I Sebastian's memorial service pro bono, just for the pub. Pub is an abbreviation for publicity.
Ron Swanson: Jean-Ralphio is a clown. This is the memorial for Li'I Sebastian, not double-coupon night at a strip club.
Tom: First off, double-coupon night is an incredible value. Secondly, this guy just started a business. He's my friend. It would really help him out. Plus, I'm gonna oversee everything and make sure it goes great.
Leslie Knope: Okay, Tom, we trust you. Make us proud.
Ron Swanson: Make him proud.
[The camera pans to a large photo of Li'l Sebastian with a large pixelated block over his private parts]
Ben: Why don't you just Photoshop that out?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: What?
Ron Swanson: How long have you been sleeping with Ben?
Leslie Knope: That's disgusting and wrong. I don't even get... Why would... I... I've never had sex with anyone anywhere. It's none of your... You have the nerve, the audacity... Ben is my boss, technically. And he is terrible, facewise. And how... How do I know, frankly, that you're not sleeping with him? Maybe you are. Maybe you're trying to throw me off. Hmm. Check and mate. [off Ron's look] This is an outrage! Who do I call?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Hey, Ron. Listen, you're just who I was looking for. Are you... Did you forget the... Did you... Can I get that thing? Can we just... Did you bring it?
Ron Swanson: This isn't convincing.
Leslie Knope: How did you find out?
Ron Swanson: We've worked together for a while now. I'd like to think I know you pretty well. Plus, Ben butt-dialed me last night.
Leslie Knope: [on Ron's phone] Okay, okay. And this is how Eleanor Roosevelt would kiss.
Ben: [on Ron's phone] Whoa. Eleanor likes the tongue. Hey, show me Pelosi again.
Leslie Knope: [on Ron's phone] Okay, lay down.
Leslie Knope: Please tell me you hung up before Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Ron Swanson: Unfortunately not.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: [groans] This is a scandal waiting to happen. If you get caught, which you clearly will, Chris will fire you. And I won't be able to stop him.
Leslie Knope: Ron, we're being very careful.
Leslie Knope: [on Ron's phone] Oh, President Reagan, my blazer popped open.
Ben: [on Ron's phone] Well, Maggie Thatcher, let me help you with that. It's gonna be a bumpy ride to this summit meeting. Our countries have had a very special relationship...
Leslie Knope: Okay, yes. You've proven your point.

Quote from Andy

Andy: In my heart, I'm sad you had to die. Li'I horse, spread your wings and learn to fly.
April: Horses don't fly.
Andy: That's why I'm telling him, "learn to fly." Come on, help me. There's a lot riding on this. This is what Li'I Sebastian's gonna listen to in horsey heaven.
April: Okay, let me hear your favorite one so far.
Andy: [plays guitar and sings] You're a champion little horse And you're dead You're the champion of death You're the champion of death
April: Maybe try to do one without the word "dead" so much. Or "death" or "you're dead."
Andy: See? You're helping me already.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: What you saw was not what you think it is.
Ben: I was just congratulating her because she got some good news.
Leslie Knope: Oh, right.
Ben: Yeah. We were both kind of up for this thing, this really...
Leslie Knope: I won the MacArthur Genius Grant.
Ben: Yeah.
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
Ben: Yeah, so that's what the hug was all about.
George: Sure. Congratulations.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Welcome, everyone. Sebastian may have been li'I, but his impact on this town and the Parks Department was anything but li'I. I would like to introduce his owners, Michael and Elizabeth Stone and two of his closest friends.
Tom: Cue music and lights, and... Go Ladybug, go Coconut. [orchestral music plays] Coconut and Ladybug
both in position.
Leslie Knope: Not only was Coconut a friend, but she was also a lover. Our deepest sympathy is with you.
Tom: Coconut just took a dump on the stage. We gotta clean that up. Code red. Coconut just took a dump onstage.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: What the hell, Leslie? I thought I was supposed to lay the ceremonial wreath.
Leslie Knope: Why is Councilman Howser doing it? Because you are doing something better. You are lighting the memorial flame, which is the greatest honor of all.
Ben: Oh, my God. Ron, congratulations.
Leslie Knope: I saved it for you, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Who caught you guys?
Leslie Knope: A very nosy maintenance worker, and we talked to him, and now we're all friends, and he's not gonna tell on us. It's totally fine.
Ron Swanson: I think if you would know one thing about me, it would be that I prefer laying wreaths to lighting torches.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: I have cried twice in my life. Once when I was seven, and I was hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li'I Sebastian had passed. His memory will live on, as today we light a fire that will burn on for eternity. [shouts drum major call]

Quote from Ron Swanson

Tom: So what do I do, Ron? Do I stay here or roll the dice with Jean-Ralphio?
Ron Swanson: I can't tell you what to do. Go with your gut.
Tom: My gut's really small. It's easily irritated. I need someone to guide me.
Ron Swanson: You have no interest in government work, and you slow everything down with your selfish attitude. I'd love for you to stick around, Tommy. It'll be damn hard to replace you. But I'll support you either way.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Copy of our new hit single, 5,000 Candles in the Wind, and the new full-length CD, The Awesome Album.
April: Eighteen bucks each, $40 for the set.
Kyle: That doesn't add up.
April: You don't add up.
Kyle: Okay.

Quote from Tammy Two

Tammy Two: Guess I'll be heading home.
Ron Swanson: Catching the number 12 bus to Satan's Butthole?
Tammy Two: Actually, I prefer the number 69 train to Humpsville Station.
Donna: Red alert, Swanson. Your ex-wife is back.
Ron Swanson: No kidding, Donna.
Donna: Not her. The other ex-wife.
Ron Swanson: Tammy One.
Donna: She's in your office.
Tammy Two: [bleep]! [runs away]

Quote from Jean-Ralphio

Tom: Hey, Jean-Ralphio, who's sitting in my clear purple desk?
Jean-Ralphio: What?
Tom: Who's this person?
Jean-Ralphio: Are you talking about this little sweetie right here?
Tom: Yeah.
Jean-Ralphio: That is our new assistant, Tessa. I saw her sweating real sexy on the StairMaster at Bally's.
Tessa: I need petty cash. My iPhone cover's gross and I need to get a new one.
Jean-Ralphio: Get it to match your personality. Petty cash, money bowl. Go diving.
Tessa: Gross.
Tom: Why do we keep our petty cash in a clear plastic toilet bowl?
Jean-Ralphio: I don't know, maybe 'cause we're...
Both: [singing] Flush with cash


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