Leslie Knope: We'd like to encourage everyone to buy our merchandise. All the proceeds will go towards Li'I Sebastian's favorite charity, the Afghan Institute of Learning. Next, we have a special musical tribute by Mr. Andy Dwyer.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: What's 5,000 times better than a candle in the wind?
[back:]
Andy: This song is called 5,000 Candles in the Wind. [plays guitar and sings] Up in horsey heaven Here's the thing You trade your legs for angel's wings And once we've all said goodbye You take a running leap and you learn to fly Bye-bye, Li'I Sebastian I miss you in the saddest fashion Bye-bye, Li'I Sebastian You're 5,000 candles in the wind [crowd applauds]

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] When I walked in this morning and saw the flag was at half-mast, I thought, "All right. Another bureaucrat ate it." But then I found out it was Li'I Sebastian. Half-mast is too high. Show some damned respect.

Tammy Two: Two of my lovers in one place. What a coincidence.
Ron Swanson: Tammy.
Tammy Two: Hello, Ron. Ooh, what happened here? And more importantly, does the carpet match the face?
Ron Swanson: If you're looking for trouble, take it somewhere else. An hour ago, a giant fireball consumed my entire face. And it was far preferable to spending another second with you.
Tammy Two: Tell that to your pants-tent.
Ron Swanson: It's just the way I'm standing. Go back to the library, where you belong.

Chris: [aside to camera] What's the point in doing 10,000 push-ups if you're gonna do them alone? I'd much rather do 5,000 push-ups with a wonderful woman. Sitting on my back to increase my resistance.

Tom: [aside to camera] Yeah, I think we can do that for a million. Okay, we'll talk soon. There was no one on the other end of that phone call, but soon there will be. Welcome to the Dreamatorium, A.K.A. the headquarters of Entertainment 7Twenty. It's only two blocks away from City Hall, but it's a whole new world over here. We got a pool table, a ping-pong table, a lounge area, a couch with a ceiling on it, in-house DJ. DJ Blunt. And best of all, former NBA superstar Detlef Schrempf is on retainer. What's up, Detlef?

Jerry: Please, Ron, I am very sorry. I guess I put too much fuel in the torch.
Ron Swanson: Oh, I don't know, Jerry. I think you're being hard on yourself.
Jerry: Ron, are you mad at me? 'Cause without eyebrows, I can't really tell.

Leslie Knope: From now on, we stop mourning Li'I Sebastian's death, and we start celebrating his life. That's what he would have wanted.
Ron Swanson: Amen. We need to send that glorious beast into the great beyond with a display that rivals the Super Bowl half-time show. Also, the budget is $600.

Dr. Harris: Well, the good news is this is just tendonitis.
Chris: How is that good news?
Dr. Harris: The other option was shoulder cancer.
Chris: Really?
Dr. Harris: No. Look, you exercise a lot. You're in great shape. Little things like this happen with men of your age.
Chris: Men of my age? How old do you think I am?
Dr. Harris: Forty-two.
Chris: [scoffs] I am 44, and I plan to live to be 150.
Dr. Harris: Okay.
Chris: So. What's the cure?
Dr. Harris: Get a time machine. Go back to being 20.
Chris: Dr. Harris, you are literally the meanest person I have ever met.

Tom: For the memorial ribbons?
Jean-Ralphio: No doubt. Which one floats your penis?
Jerry: They're all black.
Tom: Maybe to the layman, Jerry. Obsidian, onyx, midnight, lost soul, rolling blackout, sleeping panther, and void by Armani. Hey, Jerry, does this look black to you, too?

Tom: [affected accent on video] Who are we? Where are we going in life? What is the meaning of all of this? These are questions Li'I Sebastian never had to answer because he was a horse. Instead, he just brought us
joy and happiness. And isn't that the point? There was no obstacle too large. No mountain too high. No valley too low. Li'I Sebastian had a long life, filled with wonder. Good night, Li'I Sebastian. Forever.