Tom: Here's the sitch. I developed a dope new game show where I ask couples scandalous questions, and they have to guess what the other one answered. I call this Know Ya Boo.
Jerry: Oh, that sounds like The Newlywed Game.
Tom: Shut up, Jerry! It's not The Newlywed Game okay?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: It is totally The Newlywed Game. But big deal. Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing, with Nick Cannon, which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare. Don't know, don't care.

Ron Swanson: Look, little girl, can we postpone this for another day? It's unsettling having you just sit there.
Lauren: But my report's due tomorrow.
Ron Swanson: What's it on?
Lauren: Why government matters.
Ron Swanson: Really?
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer's teat until they have sore, chapped nipples. I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine-year-old.

Ron Swanson: What's your name, ma'am?
Lauren: Lauren Berkus.
Ron Swanson: Lauren, my name is Ron Swanson, and I'm gonna tell you everything you need to know about the miserable, screwed-up world of local government.
Lauren: You have mustard in your moustache.
Ron Swanson: Don't sass me, Berkus. Let's get started. "Life, liberty, and property." That's John Locke.

Ron Swanson: This is your lunch. Now, you should be able to do whatever you want to with this, right? If you wanna eat all of it, great. If you wanna throw it away in the garbage, that's your prerogative. But here I come, the government... And I get to take 40 percent of your lunch. [eats sandwich] And that, Lauren, is how taxes work.
Lauren: But that's not fair.
Ron Swanson: You're learning. Uh-oh, Capital Gains Tax. [eats more]

Ann: All right, I will help you anti-seduce him. Just tell me what else you need.
Leslie Knope: I need to think of unsexy, boring conversation topics we can talk about in the car. I have a few ideas. We could discuss the New Yorker article "The History of the Ladder."
Ann: Okay.
Leslie Knope: We could talk about different dorms at Johns Hopkins University, and I could read from my Sonicare booklet.
Ann: Oh, I have a good idea!
Leslie Knope: What?
Ann: Why don't you ask him about his penis?

April: And what exactly do you plan on doing with this game show idea? Are you going to shove it up your butt?
Tom: No, I'm gonna test it out on you four bing-bongs and work out the kinks, then hire actual attractive people, and make a demo.
Donna: What network is gonna buy a game show from you?
Tom: There's a million networks out there, and they all need programming. Spike, G4, GSN, Fuse, WoW, Boom, Zip, Kablam, Slurp, Slurp Latin, Slurp HD.
Andy: I love Slurp HD. Have you guys seen Ultimate Battle Smoothie?
Tom: That's a dope show.

Leslie Knope: Ann, everything you have is too sexy. This is actually the dress that Julia Roberts wore as a prostitute in Pretty Woman.
Ann: I know. I look really good in it.

Denise: Are you Ron Swanson?
Ron Swanson: I am.
Denise: Okay, what exactly did you teach my daughter?
Ron Swanson: Oh, you must be Mrs. Berkus.
Denise: Lauren was supposed to do a paper on why government matters. This is what she wrote.
Ron Swanson: "It doesn't." [laughs] Well said.
Denise: Is this a joke?
Ron Swanson: No, ma'am. I legitimately believe that. I'm a Libertarian.
Denise: Oh, that's nice. Well, she is a fourth grader. And fourth graders aren't supposed to have their heads crammed full of weird ideas. They're supposed to do cute reports and get gold stars.
Ron Swanson: I'm very sorry. I was only...
Denise: And you ate her lunch? And you gave her a land mine? Really?
Ron Swanson: Well, it seemed appropriate at the time. I...
Denise: How?

Ben: Do you wanna play some music?
Leslie Knope: Sure! Ann and I burned an awesome CD for the trip.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Jimmy Carter's Crisis of Confidence speech, Learning to speak Mandarin, 16 minutes of old timey car horn, and something called Banjo Boogie Bonanza.

Ron Swanson: All I'm saying is, keep an open mind for a while. Listen to your teachers and read all the books you can. Then when you're eighteen, you can drink, gamble and become a Libertarian.
Lauren: The drinking age is 21.
Ron Swanson: I know. Another stupid government rule. So you'll write a new paper?
Lauren: Yeah.
Ron Swanson: Can you autograph this one for me?
Lauren: Sure.