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‘Road Trip’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Road Trip

314. Road Trip

Aired May 12, 2011

Leslie and Ben both try to avoid anything happening when Chris sends them on a road trip to Indianapolis. Meanwhile, Tom invents a game shower that's an awful lot like The Newlywed Game.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Here's the sitch. I developed a dope new game show where I ask couples scandalous questions, and they have to guess what the other one answered. I call this Know Ya Boo.
Jerry: Oh, that sounds like The Newlywed Game.
Tom: Shut up, Jerry! It's not The Newlywed Game okay?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: It is totally The Newlywed Game. But big deal. Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing, with Nick Cannon, which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare. Don't know, don't care.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Look, little girl, can we postpone this for another day? It's unsettling having you just sit there.
Lauren: But my report's due tomorrow.
Ron Swanson: What's it on?
Lauren: Why government matters.
Ron Swanson: Really?
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer's teat until they have sore, chapped nipples. I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine-year-old.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: All right, I will help you anti-seduce him. Just tell me what else you need.
Leslie Knope: I need to think of unsexy, boring conversation topics we can talk about in the car. I have a few ideas. We could discuss the New Yorker article "The History of the Ladder."
Ann: Okay.
Leslie Knope: We could talk about different dorms at Johns Hopkins University, and I could read from my Sonicare booklet.
Ann: Oh, I have a good idea!
Leslie Knope: What?
Ann: Why don't you ask him about his penis?

Quote from Tom

April: And what exactly do you plan on doing with this game show idea? Are you going to shove it up your butt?
Tom: No, I'm gonna test it out on you four bing-bongs and work out the kinks, then hire actual attractive people, and make a demo.
Donna: What network is gonna buy a game show from you?
Tom: There's a million networks out there, and they all need programming. Spike, G4, GSN, Fuse, WoW, Boom, Zip, Kablam, Slurp, Slurp Latin, Slurp HD.
Andy: I love Slurp HD. Have you guys seen Ultimate Battle Smoothie?
Tom: That's a dope show.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: What's your name, ma'am?
Lauren: Lauren Berkus.
Ron Swanson: Lauren, my name is Ron Swanson, and I'm gonna tell you everything you need to know about the miserable, screwed-up world of local government.
Lauren: You have mustard in your moustache.
Ron Swanson: Don't sass me, Berkus. Let's get started. "Life, liberty, and property." That's John Locke.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: This is your lunch. Now, you should be able to do whatever you want to with this, right? If you wanna eat all of it, great. If you wanna throw it away in the garbage, that's your prerogative. But here I come, the government... And I get to take 40 percent of your lunch. [eats sandwich] And that, Lauren, is how taxes work.
Lauren: But that's not fair.
Ron Swanson: You're learning. Uh-oh, Capital Gains Tax. [eats more]

Quote from Ann

Leslie Knope: Ann, everything you have is too sexy. This is actually the dress that Julia Roberts wore as a prostitute in Pretty Woman.
Ann: I know. I look really good in it.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Okay, everyone stop what you're doing and come with me... all four of you.
Ron Swanson: Where are you going?
Tom: Leslie's not here today. No boss. We can do whatever we want.
Ron Swanson: I'm your boss.
Tom: [laughs] That's a good one, Ron. Let's go, seriously. Come on.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Yeah, so, basically every dorm allows bed lofting, but the students have really taken to it at Wolman and McCoy.
Ben: Did you go to Johns Hopkins?
Leslie Knope: No.

Quote from Ann

Ben: Do you wanna play some music?
Leslie Knope: Sure! Ann and I burned an awesome CD for the trip.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Jimmy Carter's Crisis of Confidence speech, Learning to speak Mandarin, 16 minutes of old timey car horn, and something called Banjo Boogie Bonanza.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Lauren: Hello? Hello?
Ron Swanson: Can I help you?
Lauren: Hi. My class is here on a field trip, and I'm supposed to interview someone for a school project.
Ron Swanson: Okay. You can wait at that table, and someone will be here sometime.
Lauren: But aren't you here now?
Ron Swanson: No.

Quote from Ann

Ben: What is this?
Leslie Knope: Whale sounds.
Ben: Okay.
Leslie Knope: You can change it if you want.
Ben: Yeah?
[Al Green's "Let's Stay Together" plays]
Leslie Knope: What the hell?
Ben: Oh, no, no, no. This is such a great song.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Yeah, I snuck an Al Green song in there. I want them to get together. Sue me.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: And, so, as you can see, Pawnee has 12 beautiful baseball diamonds, and our seats have extra cushioning due to the massive size of our average citizen.
Doug: I have to bring up what happened the last time Pawnee hosted this tournament.
Leslie Knope: No, you don't.
[news broadcast from September 30 1989:]
Perd Hapley: Good evening. We begin with our first story tonight. They're cute, they're cuddly, but now they're wreaking havoc at the State Little League Championship. Pawnee's raccoon infestation. [children scream] Have these little bandits stolen our sense of safety?
[present:]
Leslie Knope: The raccoon problem is under control. They have their part of the town, and we have ours.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: And that, Lauren, is how FDR ruined this country.
Teacher: Lauren, ready to head back?
Ron Swanson: Well, I guess it's time for you to head home. I've really enjoyed talking with you. You are... and this is not a joke... much smarter than most of the people who work in this building.
Lauren: I liked talking with you, too, Mr. Swanson. [shakes Ron's hand]
Ron Swanson: Ron. Hang on, hang on, I have something for you. This is a Claymore land mine. Use that to protect your property.
Lauren: Thanks, Ron.
Ron Swanson: You got it.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Tommy Hilfiger iPhone app finally.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Sorry, I keep myself very well hydrated, and my bladder is the size of a thimble. I urinate roughly 12 times a night.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Well, that was quick and to the point. Here's a tip.
Leslie Knope: Mm?
Chris: The key to a healthy urethra: radishes.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Denise: Are you Ron Swanson?
Ron Swanson: I am.
Denise: Okay, what exactly did you teach my daughter?
Ron Swanson: Oh, you must be Mrs. Berkus.
Denise: Lauren was supposed to do a paper on why government matters. This is what she wrote.
Ron Swanson: "It doesn't." [laughs] Well said.
Denise: Is this a joke?
Ron Swanson: No, ma'am. I legitimately believe that. I'm a Libertarian.
Denise: Oh, that's nice. Well, she is a fourth grader. And fourth graders aren't supposed to have their heads crammed full of weird ideas. They're supposed to do cute reports and get gold stars.
Ron Swanson: I'm very sorry. I was only...
Denise: And you ate her lunch? And you gave her a land mine? Really?
Ron Swanson: Well, it seemed appropriate at the time. I...
Denise: How?

Quote from April

April: Andy is totally mad at me right now, and I don't know how to deal with him, so I thought I would ask you.
Ann: You know, Andy and I broke up so long ago. I... I don't think that I'd be the best source to...
April: Please.
Ann: What happened?
April: He doesn't think I like Mouse Rat. And all I said to him was that this other band was better, but I don't know why he got all mad, because it's like an indisputable fact that they're better. They're a real band.
Ann: Oh, boy. Okay. Well, Andy just wants you to be proud of him and his music, so this isn't really about being right. It's more about being supportive.
April: Oh, wow, I didn't realize you were a marriage counselor, Ann. Sorry. [sighs] My instinct is to be mean to you.
Ann: I understand.

Quote from Chris

Chris: O-M-G. Leslie, I read that same article... "The History of the Ladder." It's utterly fascinating. Ben, you're gonna love this.
Ben: Really?
Chris: Do you know that the original image of a ladder is in a cave in Valencia, Spain, drawn over 10,000 years ago.
Ben: Oh, my God. How about some music? [banjo music plays]
Chris: That's amazing. What is this? [scatting]

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: All I'm saying is, keep an open mind for a while. Listen to your teachers and read all the books you can. Then when you're eighteen, you can drink, gamble and become a Libertarian.
Lauren: The drinking age is 21.
Ron Swanson: I know. Another stupid government rule. So you'll write a new paper?
Lauren: Yeah.
Ron Swanson: Can you autograph this one for me?
Lauren: Sure.


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