Man: Excuse me. I had a meeting with Ron Swanson yesterday, but I had a little car trouble.
April: Sorry, he's busy right now.
Man: Oh. Uh, well. Well, can I reschedule?
April: Sure. Hmm. How about June 50th?
Man: Sorry?
April: Do you think you could come back today at 2:65? He's available then.
Man: What is going on?
April: Looks like the only other day he has open is March-tember one-teenth. Does that work, sir? [phone rings; April hangs up]

Tom: Let's see which one of these lucky visionaries is gonna make me rich. Greg Phillips!
Greg Phillips: Hi, guys, thanks for meeting with me.
April: Enough chitchat. What's your pitch, kid? Come on, time is money, money is power, power is pizza, pizza is knowledge. Let's go.

Ben: Hey, April. How's it going?
April: Fine. Except hearing Joan talk about her passion and doing what you really love, like, totally freaked me out. Eight years ago, I accepted a random internship at the Parks Department, and then Leslie told me to do a bunch of stuff, and now I'm executive director of regional whatever... I don't even know what it means, and I never even asked myself if I even really like it. I mean, it's like what is my purpose in life? What do I even care about? My insides are dying.
Ben: So, not fine.
April: I don't know what to do. I have to quit.
Ben: To do what?
April: I'm just gonna go live under a bridge and ask people riddles before they cross.

April: Hey. This is my boyfriend, Derek, and this is Derek's boyfriend, Ben.
Ben: Hi.
Leslie Knope: Hey. Oh! Wait, sorry, what's the situation?
April: What do you mean?
Leslie Knope: How does this work?
April: Derek is gay, but he's straight for me, but he's gay for Ben, and Ben's really gay for Derek. And I hate Ben.
Derek: It's not that complicated.
Ben: No.

Ann: Hey, guys.
April: Hey. Remember my boyfriend Derek, and his boyfriend Ben?
Ann: Yeah, hi. It's totally okay that you didn't wear a costume.
Derek: I did. I'm a straight person.
Mark: [enters] Hey, sorry I'm late.
Derek: See?
Ann: Sorry it's a little bit lame right now. But we'll get it going.
[aside to camera:]
April: I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here. Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year, I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing.

April: [answers phone] Hey. Where are you?
Andy: I'm here. Where are you?
April: We're inside the main entrance. Near the sign that says Pawnee campground.
Andy: Oh... I'm in a totally different place. That's why we can't see each other.
April: [on the phone] My God, Andy. I don't even want to be here. The air is too fresh. It's disgusting. I can't breathe. There's a brook somewhere that won't stop babbling. Shut up!

April: [aside to camera] This is Stacy Knoblauch's house. I went to high school with her, and she was super mean to me, and now I know that she dyes her hair. I knew that wench wasn't naturally blonde. Oh, my God! She has to use prescription-strength deodorant. This is the best day of my life.

Ben: Andy, are you okay?
Andy: Oh, I'm fine. It's just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I'm always tired. Also, I can't sleep, I'm overeating, none of my old hobbies interest me.
[aside to camera:]
April: Ever since Andy failed the police academy exam, his self-esteem has hit rock bottom. He's always sad and sweaty. He's usually happy and sweaty.

Leslie Knope: Let's do an exercise. April, what makes Pawnee the best city in the world?
April: Easy. Most murders per capita. The guillotine was invented here. City Hall is run by the walrus mafia.

April: [aside to camera] I started here when I was 20, and now I'm old and gross and directionless. Those kids are me ten years ago, and this internship is the videotape from The Ring. It's too late for me. I've seen too much. But maybe I can save them. You're all gonna die in here!