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‘Ron and Jammy’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Ron and Jammy

702. Ron and Jammy

Aired January 13, 2015

Leslie and Ron put aside their feud to rescue Councilman Jamm from a relationship with Tammy Two (Megan Mullally). Meanwhile, Tom visits Chicago to see Lucy again, and April realizes she isn't passionate about her job.

Quote from April

Ben: Hey, April. How's it going?
April: Fine. Except hearing Joan talk about her passion and doing what you really love, like, totally freaked me out. Eight years ago, I accepted a random internship at the Parks Department, and then Leslie told me to do a bunch of stuff, and now I'm executive director of regional whatever... I don't even know what it means, and I never even asked myself if I even really like it. I mean, it's like what is my purpose in life? What do I even care about? My insides are dying.
Ben: So, not fine.
April: I don't know what to do. I have to quit.
Ben: To do what?
April: I'm just gonna go live under a bridge and ask people riddles before they cross.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] When it comes to Tammy, the code is the same as that of the battlefield: First, you leave no man behind. Second, you must protect yourself against chemical warfare. Tammy does not abide by the Geneva convention.

Quote from Donna

April: Donna, what do I do? If working around corpses isn't even right for me, then nothing is. I feel totally lost.
Donna: Saturn's return.
April: What?
Donna: Saturn's orbit around the sun takes roughly 29 years, and when it gets back to where it was when you were born, lots of turmoil, self-discovery. When I was your age, I got banned from every riverboat in Germany.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Chicago! The Big Apple!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Councilman Jamm: Knopey, my girl, what up? I just farted.
Leslie Knope: Oh, Jeremy. I truly thought that I would never have to interact with you again.
Councilman Jamm: I missed you too.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: The city council is voting on whether to rezone the Newport land for commercial use. If I win, stupid Gryzzl and stupid Ron can't build anything there, and then I'm sitting pretty. Sadly, the deciding vote is from my old city council mate and human equivalent of gas station sushi, Jeremy Jamm.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Sure, I'm aligning myself with terrible people, but think of all the wonderful people who will benefit from a national park! It's worth it, and you can trust my opinion because I have a lot to gain by being right, and I have severe tunnel vision about achieving my goals.

Quote from Joan Callamezzo

Ben: Joan, on behalf of the entire city, congratulations. I do want to apologize for not being able to accommodate some of your requests.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh.
Ben: For example, we couldn't get a bottle of Chateau Marmont because it's a hotel in Los Angeles, not a wine.
Joan Callamezzo: Well, did you at least get buddy holly to sing?
Ben: No, because he's been famously dead for 60 years.
Joan Callamezzo: What?

Quote from Joan Callamezzo

April: Hi, Joan. Hi, my name is April, and I'm your biggest fan, and I pretty much hate everyone.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh.
April: Will you sign your ninth memoir for me?
Joan Callamezzo: Well, it would be my pleasure. You said your name was Glenn?
April: Yes, I did.
Joan Callamezzo: That's pretty.

Quote from Andy

Andy: "Entrepreneur-bachelor Tom Haverford is making quite a splash in the culinary world. We expect even bigger things from him in 2018." Tom, what does "culinary" mean?
Tom: Means this is a cause for celebration. Round of drinks for everyone on the house.
Andy: Yeah! Oh, let me also get a chicken parm and a lasagna on the side. And a spaghetti to go. On the house!

Quote from Joan Callamezzo

Joan Callamezzo: Thank you, Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham.
Ben: Okay, she thinks she's in Batman.
Joan Callamezzo: People often ask me, "Joan, how do you do it?" It's simple. I love being on TV. I've known what I've wanted to do since I was ten years old. That is the key to living a good life. If you don't absolutely love what you do with a true passion, then what's the point in doing it at all? On a separate note, I think that America should have a purge night. Let me explain why.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] The vote is tomorrow. If I don't get Jamm out from Tammy's clutches, I'm doomed! It's like rescuing a bunny from a lion, but that lion is a demonic sociopath with really nice cleavage.

Quote from Tom

Lucy: Well, um, listen, I got some stuff I got to do in the office, but I want to hang out. Do you want to meet me here in, like, an hour?
Tom: Yeah. That sounds great. We'll, uh, got get a little [Chicago accent] Chicago deep dish pizza and go watch the Bears.
Lucy: No.
Tom: [normal voice] I'm sorry I started doing that.

Quote from April

Ben: Okay, hold on. Do you remember what Joan said at the ceremony?
April: That is doesn't count as stripping if no one pays you?
Ben: Yes, she did say that, but no. She knew she wanted to be on TV when she was ten. So what did you want to be when you were ten?
[cut to Ben and April at an funeral director's:]
April: It says here the future of caskets may just be biodegradable plastic.
Ben: Oh, you don't say. Hey, are you chilly? I'm a little chilly, I think.
April: No.

Quote from Tom

Lucy: Yeah, I think you're really going to like it here. And obviously everyone's in a really great mood now because of the Cubs winning the series.
Andy: Yeah, it seems really nice. I mean, I am gonna miss Pawnee, though. My wife's there, for crying out loud.
Lucy: Yeah, tell me about Pawnee. It sounds like it's really changed.
Tom: Oh, yeah. There's a ton of new businesses. Gryzzl came in. They gave everyone free tablets and Wi-Fi and phones. You can watch Hitch 2 anytime, anywhere.
Lucy: Finally, that's the dream. Part of me wants to go back, you know? I always kind of liked it there.
Andy: Man, you got me really missing Pawnee now. I don't know what to do. Am I making the right decision? [groans]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: Why are you here?
Leslie Knope: I'm calling a temporary truce. You need to help me break up Jamm and Tammy.
Ron Swanson: Forget it. You just want Jamm to switch his vote. What is this, revenge for Morningstar?
Leslie Knope: No, it is not about that. It is not about the vote. There is a guy in real trouble, and you might be the only one who can help him. This is about saving someone's soul.
Ron Swanson: He is a monster. Monsters do not have souls.
Leslie Knope: Uh, have you ever seen Monsters, Inc.?
Ron Swanson: No.
Leslie Knope: Damn it, Ron. Engage in the culture once in a while.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: I made this Tammy de-programming kit in case I ever fell victim to her again. First, this is a chastity belt that I made by hand. It might be a couple sizes too big for you, but you can just pad it. The first step is to cut out all sex.
Councilman Jamm: That won't be necessary. We haven't done the deed yet. She lets me rub up against her leg sometimes.
Ron Swanson: Well, all the more reason to wear it. She knows she has that card left to play, and you best believe she will.
Leslie Knope: We're also gonna try a Pavlovian technique. Ron is holding Tammy's perfume, Girth.
Councilman Jamm: [Ron sprays perfume] Oh. Oh, smells good. [Leslie slaps Jamm] Oh!
Leslie Knope: Again.
Councilman Jamm: [Ron sprays again] Tammy. [Leslie slaps again] Oh! How many times are we gonna do this?
Leslie Knope: Until the bottle is empty. Again. Twice.

Quote from April

Dan: Hopefully we get a body in today, so I can show you guys the really fun part: Draining.
April: Oh, God. I hate this so much. Cool. Can I touch a dead body?
Dan: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down, eager beaver. That doesn't happen for at least a year.
April: Why? How did you become a mortician? Can't I just sign up?
Dan: Oh, gosh, no. You need two years of school and a year-long apprenticeship. First few years are mostly paperwork and filing.
April: Ugh! Why is every job just paperwork?
Dan: Hey, it's a living. [chuckles]
April: Yeah, I think we're just gonna go, Dan. Um, the reality of your life is incredibly depressing. I'm just gonna stay at my current job until I get old and die and then end up here being embalmed by some weirdo who had to go to school for three years just to cut my guts open. Let's go.
Ben: Oh, thank God.
Dan: Okay. Have a good one.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Okay, we're gonna do some scenes and demonstrate ways that you can resist Tammy. I will play Tammy. Ron will play you. [as Tammy] Hey there, horsey. Time to mount up and ride on into Bonertown. What do you say we get stanky in that pet store bathroom? Huh, Jamm? Hmm? Huh? Huh?
Councilman Jamm: Do it.
Ron Swanson: There will be no sex today, Tammy.
Leslie Knope: Oh.
Ron Swanson: Instead, why don't you go into the pet store and feed yourself to the snakes? To hell with you, woman. Good-bye.
Leslie Knope: Hey, you big hunk of wiener meat. I've got 40 handtowels, some energy bars, and a Chinese finger trap. Let's get gross.
Ron Swanson: This gambit has failed. To hell with you, woman. Good-bye.
Councilman Jamm: What are you wearing?
Ron Swanson: It's a crotch-blinder of my own design. In this scenario, she will be coming at you pants-less.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Councilman Jamm: Okay. Doors are locked. Window is secured. There is no way Tammy's getting in here.
Leslie Knope: [as Tammy] Jamm. Strip down, you sex maggot.
Ron Swanson: And hold!
Councilman Jamm: What was your mistake?
Ron Swanson: You didn't check the armoire. Tammy once camped out in my attic for six days awaiting my arrival. She survived on rats and rainwater. Let's run it again!

Quote from Jerry

Ben: Donna, April, what are you up to?
April: Oh, you know, just regionally directing the Midwest whatever of who cares.
Jerry: Oh, isn't it great? Can you believe that they pay me for this? Because I would do this for free. [knocks over coffee] Aw, jeez!
Donna: [chuckles] I do miss you, Terry. Let me get you some napkins.

Quote from Tom

Lucy: Dude, thank you so much for this. I really owe you one.
Tom: No, you don't. You're smart and qualified and we're totally lucky to have you. Okay, let's do this. I still don't know what claiming allowances means. I always just put 6. So far so good.
Lucy: Dude, you are totally going to jail.


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