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‘Telethon’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Telethon

222. Telethon

Aired May 6, 2010

Leslie needs her colleagues' help when she volunteers to host a telethon in the wee hours of the night. Meanwhile, Mark considers proposing to Ann.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, my second favorite episode, Monica's making dinner. And Joey is mad at Chandler because Chandler made out with his girlfriend. So Joey says, "Get in the box." I forgot to tell you there's a box. Oh, and it's Thanksgiving day. So they get ready to eat. What is Ross and Rachel doing? Oh, they're fighting. So Ross, Rachel, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are all together. Although is Phoebe there? Yes. So...

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Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Fire! Fire! Fire!
Andy: What? Where?
Leslie Knope: In my belly. Because the "24-hour Pawnee Cares diabetes telethon" starts tonight.
Ron Swanson: Goodie. Let us know how it went.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Every year, Pawnee Cares teams up with the local cable access station to raise money for diabetes research. And it's important, because Pawnee is the fourth fattest town In the u.S. Goes us, uh, Dallas, Tulsa, and certain parts of the Mall of America.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors. I'm not big on charities. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.

Quote from Donna

Leslie Knope: Donna, someone good?
Donna: No. I'm talking to my brother George.
Leslie Knope: You're not supposed to receive personal phone calls.
Donna: Oh, I called him. He's in Liberia visiting my uncle. Wants to know what happened on Lost.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: As a nurse and as your friend, I highly suggest you don't try to stay up for the next 24 hours.
Leslie Knope: I can definitely do it. I've already been up for 24 hours. But I have a secret weapon.
Ann: Nutriyum bars? Leslie.
Leslie Knope: I know. I know. They're terrible. But they give me an insane 15-minute burst. Plus my Nana used to tell me, "You'll sleep when you're dead."
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: My Nana, she used to say the best stuff. "Don't work yourself into a lather." "Look where it is and you'll find it." "Don't put me in a home." "Tell the truth and shame the devil." "The devil knows where you're hiding." "If you take enough rides with the devil, pretty soon he's gonna drive." She was really into the devil.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: I'm here. What do I have to do?
Leslie Knope: Um, I have you on phone answering duty from 4:00 to 6:00 am.
Ron Swanson: That's horrible. I have to nap up. If I don't get a solid five, it kills my sunny disposition.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: God, we're not getting any donations coming in. I'm tired of waiting for people to call us. Let's call them. Everybody call somebody.
Jerry: Leslie, it's the middle of the night.
Leslie Knope: Well, then good. They'll be home.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Were you having a bad dream?
Ron Swanson: No. I suffer from a disorder called "sleep fighting."
Leslie Knope: Wow, that must be terrible.
Ron Swanson: Only when I'm losing.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: We'd like to make a quick announcement. Detlef Schrempf is temporary, um, delayed. But, uh, coming soon, a really amazing thing Is going to happen. So get your wallets out or get your handkerchiefs out. Or get your tissues out if you're like me and think handkerchiefs are gross. For now, please, let's take a look at this moving video entitled One Butt, Two Seats: The Widening of America.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Got enough leg room back there?
Detlef Schrempf: Yeah. Yeah. You don't have to sit so far up.
Tom: Yeah, I do. So...Detlef Schrempf... Three-time NBA all-star. Two-time six-man award winner. Must've been pretty cool to be traded to the Pacers in exchange for veteran center Herb Williams.
Detlef Schrempf: So you looked me up on Wikipedia, huh?
Tom: No. Everybody knows that. Just like everybody knows you appeared in two episodes of the German soap opera Gute Zeiten, schlechte Zeiten.
Detlef Schrempf: What, you a big fan of that show?
Tom: Huge fan.
[aside to camera:]
Detlef Schrempf: Huh? Oh, 6'10".
Tom: [barely in frame] I'm 5'6" and three-quarters.

Quote from Andy

Ron Swanson: What's going on here?
April: A puppy's here.
Leslie Knope: Can we keep him?
Andy: My neighbor's dog had a litter. They're looking for people to adopt.
April: I love him.
Andy: I wish he had tiny puppy shoes. I would totally shine his shoes for free.
All: Aw.
Andy: I do say the cutest stuff.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Look, I love a good dog as much as the next guy, but this building doesn't allow animals. Andy, take him outside.
Andy: And shoot him?
Ron Swanson: No. Just keep him outside.
Tom: Oh, come on, Ron. [as the puppy] I'm just a little puppy. I ain't done nothing wrong. I'm just a puppy. Mm. I like your mustache. [the puppy licks Ron's mustache] I wish I could have one, but I can't. 'cause I'm just a little puppy. Mm, mm, mmm.
Ron Swanson: Okay, take him out and shoot him.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Look, why don't you put on one of these t-shirts? It'll get you in the mood. I stayed up all night last night making these.
Tom: You stayed up all night the night before an all-night telethon.
Leslie Knope: Yes. And here's why. Boom.
Tom: "Diabetes. Let's dia-beat-this."
Leslie Knope: Yeah. Four hours to come up with the slogan. Four hours to embroider them.
Tom: Time well spent.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Mark: I've been doing some thinking. I'm not gonna ask Ann to move in with me.
Leslie Knope: Why? Is something wrong?
Mark: No. I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
Leslie Knope: [gasps]
Mark: I love her. And, uh, I want a partner.
Leslie Knope: Horseback. You should ask her on horseback. No. You should ask her in a hot air balloon. No. She should be on a hot air balloon and you should ride up on horseback. Oh, wait. She's in a balloon. You ride up on horseback. You point to the sky. Up there, skywriting "marry me, Ann."
Mark: I think I can figure out the right way to ask her.
Leslie Knope: How you ask someone to marry you is a very big deal. I mean, they have to repeat that story for the rest of their lives.
Mark: So you think I should do it, though?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. Can you get five eagles? No, get ten eagles.
Mark: Leslie.
Leslie Knope: No, it's you're life. Get as many eagles as you want.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: So, Tom, you're in for tonight, right?
Tom: I forgot to tell you I can't make it to the telethon tonight because I have no interest in being there.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: And I need you to be his body man. Pick him up at the airport at 7:00 pm and then, you know, just entertain him because he doesn't need to be in hair and makeup until 2:00 am.
Tom: Does Pawnee Cable access even have hair and makeup?
Leslie Knope: Well, they have a communal lipstick and a box of combs.

Quote from Donna

Leslie Knope: All right, team, you guys psyched? Just remember, all you need to do is take down everybody's name and address and ask them how much they want to donate.
Donna: Hey, do these phones dial out?
Leslie Knope: Yes. Why?
Donna: No reason.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [on TV] Thank you, Joan. There are two types of diabetes, but only one type of caring. Type-1 caring. And tonight, God willing, we will all be stricken with that. There's a lot of fun stuff coming up. Indiana pacers legend Detlef Schrempf will be joining us in the studio later on. Uh, but until then, I would like to introduce one of the hottest bands in Pawnee. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mouse Rat.

Quote from Tom

Tom: The ultimate celebrity, I think, to hang out with for a night would be Criss Angel. Like, you'll be talking to him and then he would just turn into fire. Ha ha ha! Brooks brothers boys is, like, the cuts are slimmer and it's cheaper. Win, win. You ever talk to someone and you're just, like, "Oh, we're gonna be best friends"? I'm getting that, like, right now.
[aside to camera:]
Detlef Schrempf: He had two beers. Light beers.
[back:]
Tom: I need you to make that out to Wendy. "Tom is an amazing guy. You never should have left him. You made a huge mistaken in your life, and you're probably gonna die alone. Love, Detlef."

Quote from Ann

Ann: [aside to camera] Leslie and I had an amazing talk. It was so great of her to come over here. Even though she was exhausted beyond belief. Anyway, after we talked, she fell asleep on my couch. And she's been asleep for 22 hours. It's amazing what she slept through. [plate shatters] At one point, I thought she was up...
Ann: [on the phone] Hold on. Hi. Hey.
Ann: But then she went right back to sleep. [vacuum roars] I've been monitoring her vital signs. She's totally fine. I love her so much. But I think I'm gonna draw a mustache on her face.


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