Leslie Knope: Okay, my second favorite episode, Monica's making dinner. And Joey is mad at Chandler because Chandler made out with his girlfriend. So Joey says, "Get in the box." I forgot to tell you there's a box. Oh, and it's Thanksgiving day. So they get ready to eat. What is Ross and Rachel doing? Oh, they're fighting. So Ross, Rachel, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are all together. Although is Phoebe there? Yes. So...

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors. I'm not big on charities. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.

Leslie Knope: Fire! Fire! Fire!
Andy: What? Where?
Leslie Knope: In my belly. Because the "24-hour Pawnee Cares diabetes telethon" starts tonight.
Ron Swanson: Goodie. Let us know how it went.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Every year, Pawnee Cares teams up with the local cable access station to raise money for diabetes research. And it's important, because Pawnee is the fourth fattest town In the u.S. Goes us, uh, Dallas, Tulsa, and certain parts of the Mall of America.

Leslie Knope: Donna, someone good?
Donna: No. I'm talking to my brother George.
Leslie Knope: You're not supposed to receive personal phone calls.
Donna: Oh, I called him. He's in Liberia visiting my uncle. Wants to know what happened on Lost.

Ann: As a nurse and as your friend, I highly suggest you don't try to stay up for the next 24 hours.
Leslie Knope: I can definitely do it. I've already been up for 24 hours. But I have a secret weapon.
Ann: Nutriyum bars? Leslie.
Leslie Knope: I know. I know. They're terrible. But they give me an insane 15-minute burst. Plus my Nana used to tell me, "You'll sleep when you're dead."
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: My Nana, she used to say the best stuff. "Don't work yourself into a lather." "Look where it is and you'll find it." "Don't put me in a home." "Tell the truth and shame the devil." "The devil knows where you're hiding." "If you take enough rides with the devil, pretty soon he's gonna drive." She was really into the devil.

Ron Swanson: I'm here. What do I have to do?
Leslie Knope: Um, I have you on phone answering duty from 4:00 to 6:00 am.
Ron Swanson: That's horrible. I have to nap up. If I don't get a solid five, it kills my sunny disposition.

Leslie Knope: Were you having a bad dream?
Ron Swanson: No. I suffer from a disorder called "sleep fighting."
Leslie Knope: Wow, that must be terrible.
Ron Swanson: Only when I'm losing.

Leslie Knope: God, we're not getting any donations coming in. I'm tired of waiting for people to call us. Let's call them. Everybody call somebody.
Jerry: Leslie, it's the middle of the night.
Leslie Knope: Well, then good. They'll be home.

Leslie Knope: We'd like to make a quick announcement. Detlef Schrempf is temporary, um, delayed. But, uh, coming soon, a really amazing thing Is going to happen. So get your wallets out or get your handkerchiefs out. Or get your tissues out if you're like me and think handkerchiefs are gross. For now, please, let's take a look at this moving video entitled One Butt, Two Seats: The Widening of America.

Tom: Got enough leg room back there?
Detlef Schrempf: Yeah. Yeah. You don't have to sit so far up.
Tom: Yeah, I do. So...Detlef Schrempf... Three-time NBA all-star. Two-time six-man award winner. Must've been pretty cool to be traded to the Pacers in exchange for veteran center Herb Williams.
Detlef Schrempf: So you looked me up on Wikipedia, huh?
Tom: No. Everybody knows that. Just like everybody knows you appeared in two episodes of the German soap opera Gute Zeiten, schlechte Zeiten.
Detlef Schrempf: What, you a big fan of that show?
Tom: Huge fan.
[aside to camera:]
Detlef Schrempf: Huh? Oh, 6'10".
Tom: [barely in frame] I'm 5'6" and three-quarters.