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‘The Cones of Dunshire’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: The Cones of Dunshire

609. The Cones of Dunshire

Aired November 21, 2013

Leslie tries to curry favor with Councilman Jamm so she can secure funding for the Pawnee Commons. Ben finally takes a job at the accounting firm which has tried to hire him three times. Meanwhile, Ron puts his cab up for sale and agrees to let Donna and Tom try to sell the place.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [aside to camera] The question I always ask myself is, what kind of mogul should I be? Fashion mogul, energy drink mogul. I even thought about downhill skiing. A mogul mogul. But a real estate mogul? Hmm. That's a hot mogul right now.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Tom: Video-Ron-demand. What you carrying, my dude?
Ron Swanson: The time has come to sell my cabin. But I haven't had much luck finding a buyer.
April: "For sale. Small house. Location: Forest." It's a little wordy, don't you think?
Donna: "Current owner will not clean up shotgun shells or animal carcasses." The hell is wrong with you, Swanson?
Ron Swanson: Fine, I'll clean up the shotgun shells, but the carcasses remain to fertilize my berry patch.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Presenting "The Cones of Dunshire," a brand-new gaming experience. 8 to 12 players. Two wizards, a Maverick, the arbiter, two warriors, a corporal, and a ledgerman. Now, the ledgerman just keeps score, and he wears this hat.
Leslie Knope: Oh, boy.
Ben: Now, the object is to accumulate cones. Four cones wins, but in order to get a cone, you have to build a civilization. The other amazing thing is the challenge play. Actually, let me tell you more about the trivia cards, 'cause you're gonna need to know about roadblocks first. Nah, never mind. The thing about the challenge play is that it's basically the game...in reverse. Then you roll three dice to see how many dice you roll with. Oh, 16. Perfect, lots of choices. Okay, each turn goes: Roll, buy, action. I mean, obviously, this would be much taller in the real game. But the corporal can veto. This should be green too. How did this happen? Are the cones a metaphor? Well, yes and no.
Leslie Knope: What is this called again?
Ben: "The Cones of Dunshire." Oh, my God, the Maverick should be able to trade lumber for agriculture credits. How have I not thought of this before? This is nothing, right?
Leslie Knope: When do you go back to work again?
Ben: Tomorrow. It's fine. I'll just throw this in the garbage.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Tom: So what's the story, Ron? Diane making you sell this place?
Ron Swanson: Not at all. Recently, I purchased a new cabin big enough for the whole family. I just can't justify owning four cabins. Two cabins.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: The new cabin I bought has a great tire swing for the girls, access to a lake for all the kids to play in. Plus, it doesn't have these razor-sharp perimeter defense planks sticking out of the ground.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Donna: [on the phone] No, thank you. I will let him know. That was that couple you liked at the open house.
Ron Swanson: I despised them.
Donna: Well, they just came back with a new offer and jacked that shizz up. Way over asking price.
Tom: Ron, who cares who they are? That's a massive bid. I'ma be a mogul.
Ron Swanson: I bought that cabin 18 years ago for $2,200. I do not care about the money.
Tom: I can't even understand what you're saying right now.
Ron Swanson: That cabin served an important purpose for me, as a quiet refuge from the nonsense of modern life. I'd like the next owners to understand and share that purpose. Find me someone like that, and I'll happily sell.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Tom: Good news. We have multiple bidders. That guy's getting his financials together. Plans on tearing the whole place down, just wants it for the land.
Ron Swanson: Why would he want to tear down a perfectly good cabin?
Donna: I think he's a developer, wants to put in a luxury glamp-ground. Glamping is "glamour camping." Heated tents, catered meals, wi-fi--
Ron Swanson: You're describing a hotel.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Chris: BFF slideshow? You know that even after we leave Pawnee, Ann will always be your best friend. And it's not that long a trip.
Leslie Knope: Well, it would be even faster if the governor would return my calls about my Pawnee to Ann Arbor bullet train idea.

Quote from Donna

Donna: If you really want to unload that little horror cabin, you gonna need a professional to stage it properly. Lucky for you, I recently got my real estate license. Spladow! Check it.
Ron Swanson: "Regal Meagle Realty." [Donna mouths to camera] "Find your castle." Fine, I suppose I could use some help.
Tom: Yo, Donna, let me get a little skin in the game, maybe split that commission?
Donna: All right. Show me what you got. I'll split that commish.
Both: [sings] Split that commish.

Quote from Chris

Leslie Knope: You got my message about Jamm being a dinkhead?
Chris: Yes, but as city manager, I can't play sides. And I think all of our heads can be a little dinky at times.
Leslie Knope: Fine, but his is the dinkiest. And I would know because I'm keeping score. Ever since I started city council, I have gone head-to-head with Jamm 112 times. He has won 56 times, I have won 56 times. I will not lose our last battle. Will you help me?
Chris: [stands up] No.
Leslie Knope: Oh. The way you stood up like that, I thought it was gonna go a different way.
Chris: No, I can't help directly, but I am on your side. And I will assist you in any way that I can. Maybe I can mediate, like Dr. Phil, only qualified.

Quote from Tom

Ron Swanson: These people won't leave. One guy even looked in the bathroom.
Donna: Yeah, that means they like the place. If you just leave them alone, I think we might get some offers.
Tom: This evergreen scented candle should help put people in the mood to buy.
Ron Swanson: You could just open the door and let the actual smell of the pines in.
Tom: Trees are sticky, and they got bugs in them.
[Ron snuffs out the candle]

Quote from April

Viv: This place is so random.
Dirk: I don't know. It's kind of, like, in the middle of nowhere.
April: I know. That's, like, the hilarious part. It's like a joke how long it takes to get here. It's like a meta-cabin.
Dirk: Oh yeah.
Viv: That's what I thought, yeah.
April: I heard that Dave Eggers wrote a short story about this tape cassette that he found under that tree over there.
Viv: Oh, my God.
Ron Swanson: What are you doing?
April: I'm trying to get these annoying dumdums to pay more money for your cabin.
Ron Swanson: Carry on.
April: Oh, my God, I heard that Neko Case and Ben Gibbard made out here once.

Quote from Ben

All: Surprise!
Ben: Oh, my God!
Barney: I hope you don't mind. We decided to throw you a pizza party to say congrats for cracking the case.
Ben: Oh, my God, you guys. See what we got here. Wait a second. That's not pizza. Those are calzones! [laughter] I love calzones!
Barney: We know!
[aside to camera:]
Ben: [eating calzone] I think it's safe to say I made the right choice. What's up, guys?
All: Hey!

Quote from Leslie Knope

[aside to camera:]
Ben: I got fired from running the Sweetums Foundation.
Leslie Knope: Thanks to me. Sorry, again.
Ben: Hey, blessing in disguise. I took a job at this accounting firm, they've tried to hire me three times, I finally gave in. But I've had a week off in between jobs, and I've been cooking up something pretty big.
Leslie Knope: The last time he was in between jobs, he got deep into claymation, so this should be different, hopefully.

Quote from Chris

Leslie Knope: [on the phone] Well, tell everybody in Michigan I said hi, and tell your mom that I love the banana cake she posted on Pinterest. Oh, the father of your child is here. I have to go. I'll talk to you soon. I love you. [hangs up]
Chris: Was that Ann? I hope you were speaking to her in a calming voice 'cause babies can hear everything. Baby, if you can still hear me, I love you.
Leslie Knope: The phone is hung up.
Chris: Oh.

Quote from Donna

Donna: I usually get a 5% commission, but I'll do it for 3%. Friends and family discount.
Ron Swanson: Make it 5%. I don't want you getting any ideas about us being friends.
Donna: Respect.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Donna, baby. For the fireplace, I'm thinking fake antlers. But what kind of scarves do we want to hang off the fake antlers? Oh, duh. Crocheted.
Donna: Most def. That'll look legit next to those antique "Visit France" posters.
Tom: Mm.
[Ron growls]

Quote from Ron Swanson

April: Ron, you want to stay outside and do nothing while they make your cabin look like garbage?
Ron Swanson: I'd like that very much. We can watch the shadows get longer.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Wow, you guys sure take the start-up paperwork seriously around here.
Barney: Sorry to start you out like this, and on a Friday no less. But it's our toughest case. Three competing family trusts, a contested will-- it's a real puzzler! [chuckles]
Frank: So let's see what you got, genius.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: If I'm murdered tonight, start the investigation with those two guys.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Tom: And I think we still have traction with those two.
Dirk: Oh, hey, man. I love the mustache. So funny. You ever think about twisting it up at the ends, huh? Use a little beeswax?
Ron Swanson: The open house is now closed. We are not accepting bids at this time. The sun sets in 95 minutes. Good day.
Tom: [laughs] That's part of the charm of this whole place, the cantankerous old coot who owns it. It's authentic!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Ann Arbor sounds disgusting.
Chris: She already has family there. And I have a new job lined up at the University of Michigan. Go blue! It's a good town. And it's a great place to raise a family.
Leslie Knope: What is great about it? There's no JJ's Diner there. There's no "Welcome to Pawnee" sign. I mean, the stupid state is split up into two pieces! It's ridiculous.

Quote from April

April: I'll buy it.
Tom: You can't afford that house. Can you afford that house?
Ron Swanson: What would you use it for?
April: I'd go up there and take Andy and Champion and just get away from everyone else and look at spiders. And it's where I'd bury the bodies of that annoying couple after I murder them. Here's my offer. I will give you everything in my purse. $8, a bunch of loose cough drops, and Larry's asthma inhaler.
Jerry: Thank God. I've been looking for that.
April: Larry, this is part of a real estate transaction now. You have no legal claim to it.
Jerry: Sorry, I had no idea.

Quote from Ben

Chris: Speaking of which, how's the new gig coming?
Ben: Well, I got a raise, and my fridge is full of calzones, so not complaining.


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