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‘Sex Education’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Sex Education

504. Sex Education

Aired October 18, 2012

Leslie gets in trouble for violating the town's abstinence-only edict when she leads a sex education class for seniors. Meanwhile, Tom ends up in court after texting while driving, and Ben and April are freaked out by a robotic congressman. 

Quote from Tom

Ron Swanson: Yeah, I have a new idea. You need to purge all of this garbage from your system. Talk about all the things you do on those screens, and let the words just float away into the fresh air, and then we will be done.
Tom: Okay, worth a shot. Every day I start by hitting up Facebook, Twitter, tumblr, and Instagram. Sometimes I like to throw in LinkedIn, for the professional shorties.
Ron Swanson: See? That was easy.
Tom: Then I like to go on reddit. Reddit's great, 'cause it has all the important links you need.

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Quote from Tom

Tom: Wikipedia, mankind's greatest invention. You can learn about anything. Take Ray J, for example. We all know he's a singer, he's Brandy's brother, and he was in that classic sex tape with Kim Kardashian, but did you also know he's Snoop Dogg's cousin and he was in the '96 Tim Burton movie Mars Attacks? Suddenly, you're on the Mars Attacks page. I love GChat. You can talk to anybody. I hit up Brad.Pitt. It wasn't the actor. It's actually a guy named Brad that's a teacher in Pittsburgh. We don't have a lot in common, but we chat quite a bit. "Emoji" are little cartoons you text instead of words. Instead of saying, "What up, boo?" You can type "What up," and then a cute, little ghost, 'cause that means "boo." There's even a little Indian guy, but he has a turban on, which I think is racist, but the Asian guy also has a racist hat on, and it's like, "Hold up, didn't Japanese people invent this?" Podcasts. There are a million of 'em, and they're all amazing. Jean-Ralphio and I have one called "Nacho Average Podcast," where we rate different kinds of nachos.

Quote from Jerry

Tom: Oh, my God, Jerry, when you check your email, you go to Altavista and type "Please go to yahoo.com?"
Jerry: Well, how else would I do it?
Tom: You don't have your email bookmarked? Do you have any bookmarks?
Jerry: What's bookmarks?
Tom: God, Jerry! You don't deserve the Internet!

Quote from Tom

Lance: Mr. Haverford, on the morning of your crash were you alone in your car?
Tom: Yes. Your Honor, this was an accident. Plain and simple. I don't want to put words in your mouth but... case dismissed.
Lance: And you were texting at the time, correct?
Tom: How dare you, sir? I was tweeting.
Lance: Please, read Exhibit C, the transcript of your Twitter page leading upto and immediately following crash.
Tom: "9:15. Four green lights in a row. #blessed" "9:17. Drive faster, blue Civic. Daaaaaamn. #soccermoms" "9:18. Gotta pass this lady on the 'ejkerkj'." That's when I hit the fire hydrant. Sorry, allegedly hit the fire hydrant. "9:20. Just hit a fire hydrant, but I survived. #unbreakable. #WhatsMrGlassuptothesedays? #whynosequel?"

Quote from April

April: Wow, there he is, Barack Obama.
Ben: His name is congressman David Murray, he is our boss and he is white. Don't embarrass me. Congressman Murray, I'm Ben Wyatt, coordinating director of D.C. Operations.
April: And I am April Blart, mall cop.

Quote from Donna

Donna: New shirt?
Ann: Yeah. I got it at the Dude Ranch with my boyfriend. You like it?
Donna: It's not my favorite shirt, but it is my least favorite shirt.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Marcia Langman: Perd, we strongly believe in teaching and practicing abstinence.
Marshall Langman: [camp voice] We all have some crazy urges from time to time, but you just can't act on them. You have to bury them way down deep inside. You have to say, "Get out of here, you crazy urges! You are not welcome in this brain of mine!"
Perd Hapley: There are some statistics that I'd like to share with you now, and they are numbers. Some 85% of Pawnee residents support abstinence-only education.
Marshall Langman: And the other 15% are perverts. J.K., you guys. [laughs]
Perd Hapley: And 100% of Pawneeans are "Perd-verts." That's the name I call fans of this show based on the fact that my name is Perd. We'll see you after the break, Perd-verts.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, everyone. Great news: Lots of old people have chlamydia.
Andy: Whoo!
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Seniors in Pawnee have a lot of time on their hands, and what they're doing with that time is going at it hard, old people-style. A lot of them haven't had proper sex education, and as a result, STDs are having a field day. It's amazing what a few old guys can do with a little bit of charm and a lot of crabs.

Quote from Chris

Leslie Knope: It's a censure from the mayor's office. It's so official. I mean, look at the paper quality.
Chris: This is no joke.
Leslie Knope: I know I'm supposed to help educate the public, but I also have an obligation to uphold the laws. You're my boss. What's my move here?
Chris: Actually, Leslie, you're my boss now.
Leslie Knope: That's right. Why am I still weirdly scared of you?
Chris: I'm very confident and I make a lot of eye contact.

Quote from Tom

Judge Lankito: Mr. Haverford, you have a problem keeping your eyes on the road and off your electronic devices. I'm going to tailor a punishment to fit the crime. One week without screens. No phone, tablets, computers, television--anything.
Tom: No! Please, send me to jail!
Judge Lankito: Any slipups, and that week becomes a month. Turn in your phone, please. [bangs gavel]
Tom: Fine. One last tweet?
Judge Lankito: Bailiff!
Tom: Pr-press send, bailiff! Press send!

Quote from Andy

Leslie Knope: Okay, sex avengers, these old fogies are very set in their ways. They're hopped up on E.D. medication and they got nothing to lose, 'cause they're close to death.
Ann: Also, seniors can be pretty ornery.
Andy: Uh, actually, I think it's pronounced "horny."

Quote from Ann

Leslie Knope: I have an idea. Let's pretend that we're old people, and we can ask Ann our grossest, most perverted sex questions. I'll start. [old lady voice] I'm an old lady, why do I need birth control? I haven't had my monthly since LBJ was president.
Ann: Well, with the elderly, we are not so concerned with pregnancy. We're more concerned with disease.
Andy: [old man] Do pubic hairs get longer the older you get?
Ann: I don't think so, no.
Andy: [whispering] Because that's happening to me. What should I do?
Donna: Where can I get lube that is healthy to eat?
Andy: I ran over my testicles with my jazzy scooter.
Leslie Knope: I think you're good to go, nursey. I want to jump on that caboose. Choo choo!
Ann: You should never eat lube, you need to see a doctor immediately, and I'm sorry, sir, but you have to be under 40 to ride this train.
Leslie Knope: Oh! That's how you do it, kids.

Quote from Tom

Tom: "LeRon James." We still on for breakfast?
Ron Swanson: You are an hour and a half late for work.
Tom: Yeah. Sorry. I can't use my GPS, but I figured it out. I just drove around in circles until I saw something familiar.
Ron Swanson: You live 3 miles from here.
Tom: 3.4, according to my GPS, which I used to use every day.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I can't use screens for a week. Big deal! I'm adapting. I built a real-life Pinterest board. I really wish you could click those.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hello, can everyone hear me okay?
All: No.
Leslie Knope: Okay, great. I'm councilwoman Leslie Knope, and today we are here to talk about safe sex. I know this is a personal question, but how many of you out there are sexually active? [all hands go up] Oh, my.
Gretl: I have two partners, often at the same time.
Leslie Knope: Wow. Thank you. Does anyone know what we risk when we have unprotected sex?
Marvin: Heart attack.
Gladys: Falling in love.
Barry: Partner dies on top of you!
Leslie Knope: Yes, but the truth is, the greatest risk you face is sexually transmitted diseases.

Quote from Tom

Tom: I'm going crazy, Ron! Life without screens is pointless. I made an iPhone out of paper. It's not the same, though.
Ron Swanson: This is the work of a lunatic. You need to detox. Tomorrow, we'll go to my cabin in the woods. It's so far away from civilization, the electric company is not even aware there's a structure there.
Tom: [sighs] Thanks, Ron. And hey, can you give me a ride after work? There's no chance I can find my way home.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Marshall Langman: [camp voice] This, that's happening here, is not allowed!
Marcia Langman: We at the Society for Family Stability Foundation object to this smut being taught. It's against Pawnee's abstinence-only sex education law.
Ann: That's only for schools.
Chris: Actually, it's not. The way the bill is drafted prohibits any government employee from teaching anything but abstinence, city-wide.
Marshall Langman: Thank you, Chris.
Chris: You're welcome.
Marcia Langman: If we allow this filth to be taught to our seniors, the next you thing you know, it'll be in our high schools, then our kindergartens, and before you know it, we have babies in thong underwear. Is that what you want?
Leslie Knope: Yes, that's what I want.
Marshall Langman: Ladies and gentlemen, this vulgar sex show is over. Please forget everything this horrible woman has told you.
Leslie Knope: It is not over. It is far from over. Andy, pack up our bananas!

Quote from Tom

Tom: This is a great idea. Fresh air, no screens. I'm getting really good at chopping wood too.
Ron Swanson: You're a regular Paul Bunyan.
Tom: Ow! I got stung by the wood! Oh, no, it's a splinter. I need to get on WebMD now! I need a iPhone or a Samsung Galaxy, something with 4G. There's no time for the edge network. What are you doing? Wha--? W-w-waa!
Ron Swanson: Got it.
Tom: I still think we should find a computer and Google "sterilization techniques."

Quote from April

Ben: Oh, hey, nice work on the jobs research.
April: Shh! Look.
Ben: What am I looking at? He's not doing anything.
April: That's the point. This morning he got in, sat down in there, and has been staring straight ahead, doing nothing. He's a robot.
Ben: He's not a robot. He's just thinking. He's got a lot on his mind.
April: Yeah, like, "One, one, zero, one. Must eat babies for fuel."
Ben: [scoffs] Why would a robot need to consume organic matter?

Quote from Ann

Marcia Langman: [sings to synth music] I'm Marshall Langman and I'm here to say That sex before marriage is never the way I waited till marriage and then some to do it If you decide to sin, you'll rue it!. Word.
Marcia Langman: Whoo! Whoo!
Leslie Knope: Thank you very much, Marshall. Hello, my aged friends. Some of you might remember that I was here before.
Barry: I don't remember that.
Leslie Knope: Well, I was. But I have a new message for you. The best way to be safe is to simply postpone sex until marriage.
Gladys: I am not going to be told not to have sex by someone who's ten years my junior.
Ann: Amen, Gladys. You're right! Not about the age thing, about the other thing.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Perhaps you might understand it better if I read to you from this pamphlet, "So You Think You Know More Than God". "Our bodies are God's gift, but they're also the devil's playground. The devil likes to hide in all your private nooks and crannies, and if you open too wide, he might get out, or in." What--?
Gretl: Can we just see the condom demonstration again? 'Cause I don't know where Lou has been.
Leslie Knope: Well, I-I wish I-I could, but I-- Oh, screw it. Okay, here. This is a penis, right? You put a condom on it, and you pull the tip like this, and you roll it all the way down the penis. Tell you what, condoms for everybody! Who wants some? Safe sex for everybody! [cheering and commotion] Hey! Hey, who wants to party?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Tom: I'm sorry I crashed your car. Please forgive me, Ron. Please, Ron? Please? What are you doing? Are you going to kill me?
Ron Swanson: Why do you need to be constantly distracted, Tom?
Tom: The truth is I spend a lot of time looking at screens because recently, a lot of the stuff in my real life isn't going that great. So I'd rather play Doodle Jump then think about that. Okay? I'm sorry, I really am.
Ron Swanson: Go sit in your office while I consider whether to turn you in to the judge. And while you're there, neither doodle nor jump.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Perd Hapley: The story of that commercial break is it's over. Leslie, what exactly does "censure" mean?
Leslie Knope: It means that I have been formally disciplined for breaking the law.
Perd Hapley: Well, you know what they say, "You break it, you buy it."
Leslie Knope: That doesn't really apply here.
Perd Hapley: Tell that to the folks at Pier 1, an establishment I'm no longer allowed inside.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Perd, I'd like to apologize.
Marshall Langman: Thank you.
Leslie Knope: Apologize for the antiquated laws in this city. States that teach abstinence-only have the highest rates of teen pregnancy and STDs. To continue this policy is insane. Look, we all want the same thing, right? We want fewer unwanted pregnancies and fewer STDs. Why don't we use every weapon that we have? I know that most of you don't agree with me on this, but I'm going to fight very hard to change your minds, and until then, I will take this censure, and I will wear it proudly, like a badge of honor.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Perd Hapley: Wow, strong words from a woman who is trying to pin a piece of paper to her blazer. Next up on the program, we hear from you, our fans, in our new segment, "Are you there, perd-verts? It's me, Perd, hosting a new segment."

Quote from Ron Swanson

Tom: [groans] I'm so bored.
Ron Swanson: I have something for you, son.
Tom: My iPhone?
Ron Swanson: No. I am giving you a non-electronic book made of paper from a tree. It is called Auto Repair Manual: 1982. You will read this book from cover to cover, then you will assist me in repairing the damage to my car. I will not report you to the judge, but if you slip up again, you will have much more to fear than some feeble government employee in a robe.
Tom: Thanks.
Ron Swanson: Two more things. When you do get your phone back, you will not stare at it when you're talking with another human being. Look a man in the eye when you speak with him. And second, if you ever need to discuss your problems with someone... find Leslie. She lives for that crap. Get to work.


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