Ron Swanson: Yeah, I have a new idea. You need to purge all of this garbage from your system. Talk about all the things you do on those screens, and let the words just float away into the fresh air, and then we will be done.
Tom: Okay, worth a shot. Every day I start by hitting up Facebook, Twitter, tumblr, and Instagram. Sometimes I like to throw in LinkedIn, for the professional shorties.
Ron Swanson: See? That was easy.
Tom: Then I like to go on reddit. Reddit's great, 'cause it has all the important links you need.

Tom: Wikipedia, mankind's greatest invention. You can learn about anything. Take Ray J, for example. We all know he's a singer, he's Brandy's brother, and he was in that classic sex tape with Kim Kardashian, but did you also know he's Snoop Dogg's cousin and he was in the '96 Tim Burton movie Mars Attacks? Suddenly, you're on the Mars Attacks page. I love GChat. You can talk to anybody. I hit up Brad.Pitt. It wasn't the actor. It's actually a guy named Brad that's a teacher in Pittsburgh. We don't have a lot in common, but we chat quite a bit. "Emoji" are little cartoons you text instead of words. Instead of saying, "What up, boo?" You can type "What up," and then a cute, little ghost, 'cause that means "boo." There's even a little Indian guy, but he has a turban on, which I think is racist, but the Asian guy also has a racist hat on, and it's like, "Hold up, didn't Japanese people invent this?" Podcasts. There are a million of 'em, and they're all amazing. Jean-Ralphio and I have one called "Nacho Average Podcast," where we rate different kinds of nachos.

Tom: Oh, my God, Jerry, when you check your email, you go to Altavista and type "Please go to yahoo.com?"
Jerry: Well, how else would I do it?
Tom: You don't have your email bookmarked? Do you have any bookmarks?
Jerry: What's bookmarks?
Tom: God, Jerry! You don't deserve the Internet!

Lance: Mr. Haverford, on the morning of your crash were you alone in your car?
Tom: Yes. Your Honor, this was an accident. Plain and simple. I don't want to put words in your mouth but... case dismissed.
Lance: And you were texting at the time, correct?
Tom: How dare you, sir? I was tweeting.
Lance: Please, read Exhibit C, the transcript of your Twitter page leading upto and immediately following crash.
Tom: "9:15. Four green lights in a row. #blessed" "9:17. Drive faster, blue Civic. Daaaaaamn. #soccermoms" "9:18. Gotta pass this lady on the 'ejkerkj'." That's when I hit the fire hydrant. Sorry, allegedly hit the fire hydrant. "9:20. Just hit a fire hydrant, but I survived. #unbreakable. #WhatsMrGlassuptothesedays? #whynosequel?"

April: Wow, there he is, Barack Obama.
Ben: His name is congressman David Murray, he is our boss and he is white. Don't embarrass me. Congressman Murray, I'm Ben Wyatt, coordinating director of D.C. Operations.
April: And I am April Blart, mall cop.

Donna: New shirt?
Ann: Yeah. I got it at the Dude Ranch with my boyfriend. You like it?
Donna: It's not my favorite shirt, but it is my least favorite shirt.

Marcia Langman: Perd, we strongly believe in teaching and practicing abstinence.
Marshall Langman: [camp voice] We all have some crazy urges from time to time, but you just can't act on them. You have to bury them way down deep inside. You have to say, "Get out of here, you crazy urges! You are not welcome in this brain of mine!"
Perd Hapley: There are some statistics that I'd like to share with you now, and they are numbers. Some 85% of Pawnee residents support abstinence-only education.
Marshall Langman: And the other 15% are perverts. J.K., you guys. [laughs]
Perd Hapley: And 100% of Pawneeans are "Perd-verts." That's the name I call fans of this show based on the fact that my name is Perd. We'll see you after the break, Perd-verts.

Leslie Knope: Okay, everyone. Great news: Lots of old people have chlamydia.
Andy: Whoo!
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Seniors in Pawnee have a lot of time on their hands, and what they're doing with that time is going at it hard, old people-style. A lot of them haven't had proper sex education, and as a result, STDs are having a field day. It's amazing what a few old guys can do with a little bit of charm and a lot of crabs.

Leslie Knope: It's a censure from the mayor's office. It's so official. I mean, look at the paper quality.
Chris: This is no joke.
Leslie Knope: I know I'm supposed to help educate the public, but I also have an obligation to uphold the laws. You're my boss. What's my move here?
Chris: Actually, Leslie, you're my boss now.
Leslie Knope: That's right. Why am I still weirdly scared of you?
Chris: I'm very confident and I make a lot of eye contact.

Ben: Oh, hey, nice work on the jobs research.
April: Shh! Look.
Ben: What am I looking at? He's not doing anything.
April: That's the point. This morning he got in, sat down in there, and has been staring straight ahead, doing nothing. He's a robot.
Ben: He's not a robot. He's just thinking. He's got a lot on his mind.
April: Yeah, like, "One, one, zero, one. Must eat babies for fuel."
Ben: [scoffs] Why would a robot need to consume organic matter?