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‘Ron and Tammy’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Ron and Tammy

208. Ron and Tammy

Aired November 5, 2009

Leslie's park project is threatened when the library department, under the leadership of Ron's ex-wife Tammy (guest star Megan Mullally), files a claim for the lot. Meanwhile, Andy takes a job as a shoe shine guy in the town hall.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Okay. I think you should play this one cool, man. Be the grown-up. Take the high road.
Mark: Yeah.
Tom: Ann's a classy chick. If you get down in the mud, you're just gonna lose her respect.
Mark: You've just made a surprising amount of sense, Tom. Thank you.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I've never taken the high road. But I tell other people to. 'Cause then there's more room for me on the low road.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: I see. I knew that you had two ex-wives named Tammy, so I was hoping that there was one that you got along with and...
Ron Swanson: Nope. I hate them both.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed to my side, so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time. Would I get married again? Oh, absolutely. If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay. We need to make contact with someone there. Does anybody know anybody that works at the library?
Mark: Well, we actually kind of do. The new Deputy Director of the department is Tammy Swanson.
Leslie Knope: Ron's ex-wife? That's terrific. Or is that awful? I mean, he hates her, but he knows her. Everything's okay. Or is it just the same?
Tom: Leslie, you're thinking out loud again.
Leslie Knope: Am I? I am.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Of course. That bitch of an ex-wife is working for the library now. That is perfect. The worst person in the world working at the worst place in the world.
Leslie Knope: I have to go talk to her. And you got to give me something I can use. Does she have any weaknesses?
Ron Swanson: No.
Leslie Knope: What do you mean, no? Everybody has a weakness.
Ron Swanson: Not machines. I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone from the future to come back and destroy all happiness.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [singing] Have Gun Will Travel reads the card of a man A knight without armor in a savage land [talks] Good morning, Jerry. That is a beautiful sweater vest. April. You look like you could use $20. Am I right?
April: Why?
Ron Swanson: 'Cause you're a kid, and kids always need money.
Tom: I need money.
April: Ha! That's why you're my favorite, Tom.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: When Tiger Woods feels invincible, he wears a red shirt and black pants. Ron wears the same thing after he's had sex.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. But this stock photo I bought at a framing store isn't real. Today, I got the real thing. A naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning. I should have taken a picture of it.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Pawnee's library department is the most diabolical, ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I've ever seen. They're like a biker gang, but instead of shotguns and crystal meth, they use political savvy and shushing.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Mark: It's gonna be okay. It's not a done deal.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, you're right. Thanks for pulling me out of there. I need a good plan though. I don't want to cause a panic.
[cut to:]
Leslie Knope: News flash, we're screwed. We got a big problem with the library.
Tom: Punk-ass book jockeys.
Ann: Wait. Why do we hate the library?
Leslie Knope: The library is the worst group of people ever assembled in history. They're mean, conniving, rude, and extremely well read, which makes them very dangerous. And they're trying to steal Lot 48 for a new branch.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: So you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare into the eye of Satan's butthole?
Leslie Knope: She's changed, Ron. She's a different person. I just, I think it would be healthy for you to get a sense of closure. Look at Mark and me. We slept together. We talked about it, we're still friends.
Ron Swanson: You slept with Brendanawicz?
Leslie Knope: No.
Ron Swanson: Look, Tammy and I don't work. We are oil and water. Or oil, and TNT, and C-4, and a detonator, and a butane torch. Nothing good will come... [stands up] Wait. She's here, isn't she?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: So, how did your coffee with Tammy go?
Ron Swanson: Leslie, I can't thank you enough for sticking your nose where it didn't belong.
Leslie Knope: I knew it. So what did you guys talk about? Old times? Oh, I love talking about old times. New times are great, too, but there's just something about old times, you know what I mean?
Ron Swanson: We didn't talk. We made love.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my. Mmm. Good. Well, spare me the details. I'm just happy.
Ron Swanson: It was so intense, I didn't know where my flesh stopped and hers began. You know what I mean?
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
Ron Swanson: Our marriage was always a complete disaster, but we did have that. The two of us. It's like doing peyote and sneezing, slowly, for six hours.
Leslie Knope: This seems like a private matter, but I'm so...
Ron Swanson: That woman really knows her way around a penis.
Leslie Knope: Okay. Well, I'm happy that it went well and that you enjoyed your coffee.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I truly believe that everyone should be friends with their exes. I can't even tell you how many of my exes' weddings I've been to.

Quote from Tammy Two

Leslie Knope: Tammy, can I speak with you for a second? I know what you're doing. You don't care about Ron. You're just using him to get Lot 48 for your library.
Tammy Two: Leslie, that's crazy. And correct.
Leslie Knope: Why are you doing this?
Tammy Two: Les, there are two kinds of women in this world. There are women who work hard and stress out about doing the right thing. And then there are women who are cool. You could either be a Cleopatra or you could be an Eleanor Roosevelt. I'd rather be Cleopatra.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: What kind of lunatic would wanna be Cleopatra over Eleanor Roosevelt?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: So, would you like to be in the room when I tell her it's over, or would you rather wait outside?
Ron Swanson: In the room. I don't want her to think I'm a wimp.
Leslie Knope: Here're the ground rules. Don't talk to her. Do not make eye contact with her. Don't believe anything she says. Just sit there, like a potted plant. Can you do that? Come on.

Quote from Mark

Mark: Look, I understand that this Ann situation is awkward. But I like you a lot as a dude. And I just hope that there is some way that we can both be mature, and maybe be friends.
Andy: Yeah. I doubt it. I mean, I think you're a cool dude, too. I like you as well. But I'm still in love with Ann. I couldn't have been more upfront about that.
[aside to camera:]
Mark: Is punching allowed on the high road?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: You didn't give her the lot.
Ron Swanson: Let's get out of here.
Leslie Knope: Is part of your mustache missing?
Ron Swanson: Yes. Just keep walking.
Leslie Knope: There's a pushpin in your face.
Ron Swanson: Leave it in. Can't you walk faster?
Leslie Knope: My legs are shorter than yours.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Thank you for saving my future park. I know that must've been hard for you. You didn't kill Tammy, did you?
Ron Swanson: I'm afraid she can't be killed. To exes. May they always stay that way. Tammy is a mean person.
Leslie Knope: Come on, Ron. You can do better than that.
Ron Swanson: She's a grade-A bitch.
Leslie Knope: There we go.
Ron Swanson: Every time she laughs, an angel dies. Even telemarketers avoid her. Her birth was payback for the sins of man. But you know the worst thing about her?
Leslie Knope: She works for the library.
Ron Swanson: She works for the library.


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