Tom: Okay. I think you should play this one cool, man. Be the grown-up. Take the high road.
Mark: Yeah.
Tom: Ann's a classy chick. If you get down in the mud, you're just gonna lose her respect.
Mark: You've just made a surprising amount of sense, Tom. Thank you.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I've never taken the high road. But I tell other people to. 'Cause then there's more room for me on the low road.

Leslie Knope: I see. I knew that you had two ex-wives named Tammy, so I was hoping that there was one that you got along with and...
Ron Swanson: Nope. I hate them both.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rushed to my side, so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time. Would I get married again? Oh, absolutely. If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?

Ron Swanson: Of course. That bitch of an ex-wife is working for the library now. That is perfect. The worst person in the world working at the worst place in the world.
Leslie Knope: I have to go talk to her. And you got to give me something I can use. Does she have any weaknesses?
Ron Swanson: No.
Leslie Knope: What do you mean, no? Everybody has a weakness.
Ron Swanson: Not machines. I honestly believe that she was programmed by someone from the future to come back and destroy all happiness.

Leslie Knope: Okay. We need to make contact with someone there. Does anybody know anybody that works at the library?
Mark: Well, we actually kind of do. The new Deputy Director of the department is Tammy Swanson.
Leslie Knope: Ron's ex-wife? That's terrific. Or is that awful? I mean, he hates her, but he knows her. Everything's okay. Or is it just the same?
Tom: Leslie, you're thinking out loud again.
Leslie Knope: Am I? I am.

Ron Swanson: [singing] Have Gun Will Travel reads the card of a man A knight without armor in a savage land [talks] Good morning, Jerry. That is a beautiful sweater vest. April. You look like you could use $20. Am I right?
April: Why?
Ron Swanson: 'Cause you're a kid, and kids always need money.
Tom: I need money.
April: Ha! That's why you're my favorite, Tom.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: When Tiger Woods feels invincible, he wears a red shirt and black pants. Ron wears the same thing after he's had sex.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food. But this stock photo I bought at a framing store isn't real. Today, I got the real thing. A naked Tammy made me breakfast this morning. I should have taken a picture of it.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Pawnee's library department is the most diabolical, ruthless bunch of bureaucrats I've ever seen. They're like a biker gang, but instead of shotguns and crystal meth, they use political savvy and shushing.

Mark: It's gonna be okay. It's not a done deal.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, you're right. Thanks for pulling me out of there. I need a good plan though. I don't want to cause a panic.
[cut to:]
Leslie Knope: News flash, we're screwed. We got a big problem with the library.
Tom: Punk-ass book jockeys.
Ann: Wait. Why do we hate the library?
Leslie Knope: The library is the worst group of people ever assembled in history. They're mean, conniving, rude, and extremely well read, which makes them very dangerous. And they're trying to steal Lot 48 for a new branch.

Ron Swanson: So you talked to Tammy? What's it like to stare into the eye of Satan's butthole?
Leslie Knope: She's changed, Ron. She's a different person. I just, I think it would be healthy for you to get a sense of closure. Look at Mark and me. We slept together. We talked about it, we're still friends.
Ron Swanson: You slept with Brendanawicz?
Leslie Knope: No.
Ron Swanson: Look, Tammy and I don't work. We are oil and water. Or oil, and TNT, and C-4, and a detonator, and a butane torch. Nothing good will come... [stands up] Wait. She's here, isn't she?

Leslie Knope: You didn't give her the lot.
Ron Swanson: Let's get out of here.
Leslie Knope: Is part of your mustache missing?
Ron Swanson: Yes. Just keep walking.
Leslie Knope: There's a pushpin in your face.
Ron Swanson: Leave it in. Can't you walk faster?
Leslie Knope: My legs are shorter than yours.