April: I want to figure out your spirit dog, and I'm going to do that by learning everything there is to know about you.
Donna: All right. Game on.
April: Okay, what's your favorite color?
Donna: For cars, it's gold. For shoes, it's red. Unless it's the weekend, then reverse them.
April: Favorite music?
Donna: 1970s funk and 1770s opera and Sugar Ray, post Mark McGrath after he left for Entertainment Tonight.
April: Favorite book?
Donna: Downton Abbey.
April: That's not a--
Donna: Downton. Abbey.

Ron Swanson: Chris, I'm not teaching you anything. We're just building a crib.
Chris: No, I know you're not consciously teaching me anything. I'm trying to siphon off some of your calm, centered wisdom through metaphors.
Ron Swanson: Metaphors? I hate metaphors. That's why my favorite book is Moby Dick. No froufrou symbolism. Just a good, simple tale about a man who hates an animal. That's enough for today, I think.

April: Um, describe your perfect Sunday.
Donna: Church, do the Harper's Magazine Acrostic, play my oboe in the jacuzzi while the sun sets over puget sound.
April: Favorite movies?
Donna: In order: Natural Born Killers, Remains of the Day, and Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey.
April: Excellent. Thank you very much for your time. I will have your answer shortly.
[aside to camera:]
April: No idea.

Tom: I don't know about y'all, but Drink-ems seems pretty boring to me, not like H-2-flow.
Leslie Knope: Excuse me. I have several binders with very important data that I need to get through.
Tom: Well, miss, I think we'd all appreciate it if you just swallowed a teaspoon of hush. Think of H-2-flow as an app for your teeth. The more flow you take in, the more sparkle points you get. Get enough sparkle points, and you're on your way to your first aqua badge! Collect enough aqua badges, and we'll welcome you to the H-2-flow Platinum Club.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I'm great at business, and I'm great at parks stuff. I'm like Picasso meets Michael Jordan. I can paint, but, uh, I can also be a world-class gambler.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Does the white whale actually symbolize the unknowability and meaninglessness of human existence? [chuckles] No. It's just a [bleep] fish.

Tom: Whoa. You just talked to that person like I talk to you. You can't do that.
Leslie Knope: Why not? What are they gonna do, kick me out of office?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Why did it take me so long to realize this? There are no consequences to my actions anymore. No matter what I do, literally nothing bad can happen to me. I'm like a white, male U.S. senator. [answers phone] Fluoride is going into the water, moron. Oh. Hey, mom. Sorry. Because all it does is prevent cavities! God! I expected more from you.

Chris: Thank you for the woodworking lesson, Ron. This whole crib-recall thing has got me literally rethinking everything I thought I knew about parenting. What sleep method will you be using? Ferber, Sears?
Ron Swanson: Swanson method, where you close your eyes and fall asleep.

Leslie Knope: [on the phone] Jamm's not going to be able to kill this reservoir merger, is he? On my side, I have facts, science, and reason. All he has is fear-mongering. Oh, my God, he's gonna win.
Ben: Yeah, people get jittery about stuff like this. Remember last year when no one would get flu shots 'cause there was a rumor they turned you European?

Donna: The new site looks good. Nice work.
Craig: Oh, my God. These dogs are so cute. I want to throw up and kill myself.
[aside to camera:]
April: Animal control had to take in all the pets from Eagleton. And Crazy Craig used to run all their shelters, so he helped me make an adoption website for all the dogs. If you can look at that site and not want to take home 50 dogs, you're basically a war criminal.

April: Okay, I've been working on this for three hours, and I know your spirit dog. You are a Nova Scotia toller, because you're outgoing and adventurous. And you love Canada?
Donna: No, that's not right.
April: No, it isn't.
Donna: But I appreciate the effort. We're good. And don't beat yourself up. You'll probably never guess what kind of dog I am.
April: You're right. I'll never guess what kind of dog you are, because you're not a dog. You're a cat. You're temperamental. You're unpredictable, complex, and hard to read. You make people work before you let them in. But if they put the time in and prove that they care, then you open yourself up to them. Right?
Donna: [smiles, hugs April]
April: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.