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‘Fluoride’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Fluoride

608. Fluoride

Aired November 21, 2013

Lesley encounters opposition from Councilman Jamm when she seeks to add fluoride to Pawnee's water supply. Meanwhile, Chris asks Ron to help him build a crib, and Donna and her colleagues try to figure out each other's spirit animals.

Quote from Donna

April: I want to figure out your spirit dog, and I'm going to do that by learning everything there is to know about you.
Donna: All right. Game on.
April: Okay, what's your favorite color?
Donna: For cars, it's gold. For shoes, it's red. Unless it's the weekend, then reverse them.
April: Favorite music?
Donna: 1970s funk and 1770s opera and Sugar Ray, post Mark McGrath after he left for Entertainment Tonight.
April: Favorite book?
Donna: Downton Abbey.
April: That's not a--
Donna: Downton. Abbey.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Chris, I'm not teaching you anything. We're just building a crib.
Chris: No, I know you're not consciously teaching me anything. I'm trying to siphon off some of your calm, centered wisdom through metaphors.
Ron Swanson: Metaphors? I hate metaphors. That's why my favorite book is Moby Dick. No froufrou symbolism. Just a good, simple tale about a man who hates an animal. That's enough for today, I think.

Quote from Donna

April: Um, describe your perfect Sunday.
Donna: Church, do the Harper's Magazine Acrostic, play my oboe in the jacuzzi while the sun sets over puget sound.
April: Favorite movies?
Donna: In order: Natural Born Killers, Remains of the Day, and Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey.
April: Excellent. Thank you very much for your time. I will have your answer shortly.
[aside to camera:]
April: No idea.

Quote from Tom

Tom: I don't know about y'all, but Drink-ems seems pretty boring to me, not like H-2-flow.
Leslie Knope: Excuse me. I have several binders with very important data that I need to get through.
Tom: Well, miss, I think we'd all appreciate it if you just swallowed a teaspoon of hush. Think of H-2-flow as an app for your teeth. The more flow you take in, the more sparkle points you get. Get enough sparkle points, and you're on your way to your first aqua badge! Collect enough aqua badges, and we'll welcome you to the H-2-flow Platinum Club.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I'm great at business, and I'm great at parks stuff. I'm like Picasso meets Michael Jordan. I can paint, but, uh, I can also be a world-class gambler.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Tom: Whoa. You just talked to that person like I talk to you. You can't do that.
Leslie Knope: Why not? What are they gonna do, kick me out of office?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Why did it take me so long to realize this? There are no consequences to my actions anymore. No matter what I do, literally nothing bad can happen to me. I'm like a white, male U.S. senator. [answers phone] Fluoride is going into the water, moron. Oh. Hey, mom. Sorry. Because all it does is prevent cavities! God! I expected more from you.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Does the white whale actually symbolize the unknowability and meaninglessness of human existence? [chuckles] No. It's just a [bleep] fish.

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: [on the phone] Jamm's not going to be able to kill this reservoir merger, is he? On my side, I have facts, science, and reason. All he has is fear-mongering. Oh, my God, he's gonna win.
Ben: Yeah, people get jittery about stuff like this. Remember last year when no one would get flu shots 'cause there was a rumor they turned you European?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: Thank you for the woodworking lesson, Ron. This whole crib-recall thing has got me literally rethinking everything I thought I knew about parenting. What sleep method will you be using? Ferber, Sears?
Ron Swanson: Swanson method, where you close your eyes and fall asleep.

Quote from April

Donna: The new site looks good. Nice work.
Craig: Oh, my God. These dogs are so cute. I want to throw up and kill myself.
[aside to camera:]
April: Animal control had to take in all the pets from Eagleton. And Crazy Craig used to run all their shelters, so he helped me make an adoption website for all the dogs. If you can look at that site and not want to take home 50 dogs, you're basically a war criminal.

Quote from Donna

Robert Mathis: What's up, girl?
Donna: Keep walking, 98.
Ben: You don't even want to talk to that guy? He plays for the NFL.
Donna: He's a linebacker. Skill positions only for Donna Meagle.

Quote from Tom

Tom: I got my Colts beanie, my Colts scarf, I got the Colts grill going, and the crowning glory-- Colts slippies.
Anthony Castonzo: How are you going to run in those?
Tom: [laughing] "Run"? Tommy doesn't run. That's your guys' job. Now, uh, let's go fetch this football throw, fellas. [throws ball weakly] I love sports.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: But more importantly, now that we have access to the Eagleton reservoir and the water-treatment supply, Pawnee is going to have fluoride in its water for the first time in our history, our oral history. Nailed it.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Of course I'm upset that I lost the recall election. But I'm just gonna spend the remainder of my term cramming in as many good projects as I can. Lame duck? Try flame duck... 'cause this duck is on fire.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Hey, what's up, guys?
Jerry: Look what Ron made. It's amazing.
Ron Swanson: Several months ago, I was on a walk and found my crib tree. I approached the tree, murdered it, left it to cure in my woodshop, and have begun working it into a crib for my upcoming child.
Chris: Ron Swanson, you cannot use this crib. You're ignoring every known crib-safety standard. It's all covered in the parenting book I'm reading, "Are You Going To Crawl My Way?" By Lenny Kravitz.
Ron Swanson: My crib will be safe because I'm building it with my own two hands.
Chris: I bought my crib in Bloomington, and I am confident that it is literally the safest crib in the explored universe. Let me take you there, and you can talk to the salesperson.
Ron Swanson: Counteroffer: you take me nowhere, and I talk to no one.
Chris: Counter-counteroffer: you come with me, or I make you attend a four-hour fax cover-sheet protocol meeting. Either way, it's a win for me.

Quote from Councilman Jamm

Leslie Knope: Next on the docket is a vote to approve the Pawnee-Eagleton reservoir merger.
Councilman Jamm: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We're just goosing our water supply with fluoride? I mean, come on. Are we really gonna force every Pawnee resident to ingest a chemical we know nothing about?
Councilman Milton: Fluoride is used by the communists to control our minds.
Leslie Knope: No, it's not.
Councilman Dexhart: Fluoride can control minds? Like, you can use it to make ladies do stuff?
Leslie Knope: How am I the one that is getting booted off of this city council?

Quote from Chris

Chris: Ann found this place. It's where we bought our "Sounds of Nature" machine.
Ron Swanson: You bought a machine that replicates an open window?
Chris: Frasier! Chris Traeger. Do you remember me? I came in here looking for the Vanna White book on child care, "I'd Like to Solve the Puzzle of Parenting". Could you show my friend, Ron, that amazing crib that you sold me? The Babylove L'il Sweetheart Safe 4 Ever and Ever model.
Frasier: Oh, yeah, that thing is a deathtrap.
Chris: I'm sorry?
Frasier: Just found out this morning, it's being recalled. They found maxicylofentabol in the glue.
Chris: Is that good? It sounds bad.
Frasier: It burned off my fingernails.
Ron Swanson: I'll be in the car.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Alright. I'm a loose cannon. We need to fight fire with fire. I call a town hall meeting, I gather everyone together, I distribute the binders, but now the binders are bright yellow! Boom! [imitates explosion] Too extreme?
Tom: Too nothing. Look, Jamm's already ruined fluoride. Everyone's scared of it. What if we just called it something else?
Leslie Knope: What do you mean?
Tom: I mean we rebrand. No one cared about Calvin Broadus until he started calling himself Snoop Doggy Dogg. Then when people got tired of that, he went by Snoop Dogg, and now he's Snoop Lion. What's he gonna be in ten years? Snoop Laser Snake? Who knows?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: Ron, I want to do things the Swanson way.
Ron Swanson: Wonderful. First rule: no conversation lasts longer than 100 total words. You have used 9. I have used 20. Continue.
Chris: Fun. I'd like you to teach me to build a crib.
Ron Swanson: Why do you need to build your own crib?
Chris: Because I no longer trust anything other than my own two hands. It is debilitating, but exciting.
Ron Swanson: Okay, we'll go to my woodshop at lunch.
Chris: Wonderful. Look at us. Both standing on the cusp of fatherhood. I know we haven't spent a lot of time together, but-
Ron Swanson: 100.

Quote from Chris

Chris: [aside to camera] I really wish Ron would engage, but he exudes so much wisdom that I can learn parenting tips simply by being in his presence. Someone like Ron is teaching even when they're not teaching. Does that make sense? My anxiety has kept me up for over 50 hours.

Quote from Donna

April: Okay, are you still mad at me about the poodle thing? It was just a dumb game. I can pick another dog.
Donna: I'm not mad about the choice. I'm mad about your reasons. "Pretty", "makeup", is that all you know about me?
April: We don't hang out that much. It's not like you know a ton about me.
Donna: You're beautiful, yet cold and aloof. You pride yourself on being a loner. You do not obey, you choose to cooperate. And when you stop baring your fangs to pick a mate, it's for life. And you're fiercely loyal to your pack, which makes you a rare black Siberian husky.

Quote from April

April: Okay, I've been working on this for three hours, and I know your spirit dog. You are a Nova Scotia toller, because you're outgoing and adventurous. And you love Canada?
Donna: No, that's not right.
April: No, it isn't.
Donna: But I appreciate the effort. We're good. And don't beat yourself up. You'll probably never guess what kind of dog I am.
April: You're right. I'll never guess what kind of dog you are, because you're not a dog. You're a cat. You're temperamental. You're unpredictable, complex, and hard to read. You make people work before you let them in. But if they put the time in and prove that they care, then you open yourself up to them. Right?
Donna: [smiles, hugs April]
April: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Yesterday I said some pretty harsh things about Sweetums and their great new product. But when I looked at the research, I found some pretty compelling facts about Drink-ems that made me change my tune. Each Drink-ems is packed with 35% of your daily monopotassium phosphate requirement. MPP is an emulsifier as well as a plus-7 PH buffer. Now, I know what you're thinking, what about its molar mass? How does 136.086 grab you?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: Ron, what's this?
Ron Swanson: The crib I built. I'm giving it to you and Ann. It's perfectly safe. I tested it by hitting it with my truck.
Chris: Well, Ron, I can't accept. This is for your baby.
Ron Swanson: There's more than one crib tree in a forest. That's not a lesson, by the way, just a comment on lumber availability.
Chris: It's beautiful. Thank you.
Ron Swanson: Nobody has all the right answers in parenting, including me. And that toxic crib you bought won't be the last mistake you make. But a man who's this worried about making all the right choices cares very much. That's all that matters. You'll be a great father.
Chris: Thank you, Ron... for the crib and the advice. It's much better than any metaphor.

Quote from Councilman Jamm

Councilman Jamm: [on TV] Councilwoman Leslie Knope wants to put fluoride, which is a chemical, into your drinking water. You know what else is a chemical? Strychnine and cyanide.
Leslie Knope: What?
Perd Hapley: [on TV] And dirt... and rust and even broken glass.
Councilman Jamm: [on TV] Exactly. You definitely understand what chemicals are, Perd. I would suggest if you want to contact the psychopath that wants to turn your kids into bad-at-math, communist fluoride zombies, well, just call the number at the bottom of your screen.


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