Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Ben's Parents’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Ben's Parents

506. Ben's Parents

Aired November 8, 2012

When Leslie and Ben host an engagement party, Leslie tries to make peace between Ben's divorced parents. Meanwhile, Chris is still feeling down after starting therapy, and Tom prepares to present an investment proposal to Ron.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Tom: Ron in 60 seconds.
Ron Swanson: Tom. I haven't seen you tonight.
Tom: I've been working on my presentation. I just came by to congratulate Leslie, and then I'm heading back.
Ron Swanson: I admire the work ethic.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I'm always looking for new investments. Ever since I got my first job at the age of nine, I have put all my money into gold, which is currently at an all-time high. So I have a certain amount of money. I've said too much.

Rate

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: This is amazing.
Leslie Knope: I know. I worked really hard on it. And, out of respect, I did not include any images of the only other man in the world who's as sexy as you, Joe Biden.
Ben: Yes, you did, right there.
Leslie Knope: Hmm? Oh, well, that's just a little one.

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: Okay, we are off to a rocky start, but we are gonna fix this.
Ben: Yes, we will. I called a cab. It's outside. I gave the driver 100 bucks to sit and wait, so whenever we're ready to go - like, maybe right now - all we have to do is walk outside.
Leslie Knope: No, I want to be here now, with you and your parents. Help me make this work.
Ben: Okay, fine. Best thing to do is distract them with innocuous talk about the stuff they care about.
Leslie Knope: Great, like what?
Ben: Well, they're white people from Minnesota, so hockey, fishing, skiing, sailing, and after a few drinks, put on a Prince album. Don't mention the Green Bay Packers or the state of Iowa. And also, I have enough frequent flyer miles to get us to Australia tonight.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: It's so beautiful and sparkly.
Leslie Knope: I know. And it's a non-conflict diamond.
April: When Andy proposed to me, he gave me a ring pop, but then he ate it first. How did Ben do it?
Leslie Knope: Let me start from the beginning.
Ann: Uh-oh.
Leslie Knope: In 1832, Ben's great-great-great-great- grandfather, Teodore Wyatt, a bastard, met a beautiful seamstress from Antwerp.

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: Are you excited?
Ben: Yeah, totally. I-I just have two small requests. One, put Twizzlers on the candy table, and two, cancel the party because you invited my parents, and they can't be in the same room together. Okay? Great, thank you.
Leslie Knope: No to canceling the party, and no to Twizzlers. We are a Red Vines family. You're gonna have to get used to that.
Leslie Knope: I know you're scared, but I love you, and this party is gonna go great.
Ben: Well, if there's anyone who can bring my parents together, it's no one. No one can ever bring them together.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: My family situation is complicated. My parents got divorced 30 years ago and they hate each other. Okay, I guess it's not that complicated.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hey! I'm glad you're here. Let's go over the plan.
Ben: Okay, you and I go stargazing in Harvey James park, while my parents slowly strangle each other in the living room.
Leslie Knope: No. Your mom arrives at 7:00. We hand her a glass of chilled white wine, and, oh, look, my mom is walking over, and they're both educators and mothers. What a fabulous coincidence. Then later, Stephen Wyatt shows up--that's your dad.
Ben: Yes. He's terrifying.
Leslie Knope: We make some small talk, and 30 minutes later, I show everybody the big surprise.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: The Knope-Wyatt unity quilt. Ben and I are weaving our lives together, so I have woven this quilt. It represents every member of our new united family. Of all my metaphorical art projects, this is by far the coziest.

Quote from Ann

Ann: Everyone, before everyone else gets here, I'd like to make a little toast. My romantic life has been a bit of a mixed bag lately. And when that's the case, it's hard not to be cynical about love and relationships, but it's couples like you that give hope to the rest of us. Leslie, you deserve the best, and you found it. Ben, don't you dare hurt her. [laughter]
Ben: I won't.
Andy: Don't laugh. She means it.
Ben: Okay, I-I won't.
Ron Swanson: Seriously, son, don't hurt her.
Andy: Okay, I'm not planning on hurting her.
Jerry: You better not be.
Ben: I'm not!
Donna: Hey, Ben, you best watch yourself.
Ben: Why would any of you think I would hurt Leslie? You're all my friends too.
April: Nah.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: Everything okay?
Leslie Knope: Uh, slight speed bump. Everything is terrible, but I am going to fix it with my secret weapon.
Ann: Okay, well I will make sure that everything else runs smoothly.
Leslie Knope: Ann, you are such a good friend. You are a beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful musk ox. Thank you, ox, for keeping this ship afloat.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Ben and I are getting married, and I've been telling everybody about it. I'm so happy, I want to shout it from the rooftops.
Ben: And she has. We've gotten several noise complaints.
Leslie Knope: [loudly] We're getting married!
Ben: All right.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Mm, the joy that I am feeling right now is profound and unmatched in the modern era. And I can't tell you what it means to me that I'm the very first person that you chose to tell.
Leslie Knope: Oh--
Chris: Let me walk around with you as you tell everyone else so that I can share true joy being spread, please?
[cut to:]
Leslie Knope: Hey, everyone! We have something very exciting to tell you that you have never heard before. Ben and I are engaged and you're hearing about it for the very first time right now.[all cheering]
Chris: Come on, everybody! How about a little excitement? Leslie and Ben are engaged! Nothing will ever come between them! [all cheering]
Andy: What's going on?
Chris: Leslie and Ben are engaged!
Andy: [gasps] Again? You guys!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, T-minus six hours until the engagement party. Has you-know-who responded yet?
Ann: Surprisingly, no, Larry Bird has not RSVP'd yet.
Leslie Knope: Well, he kind of waits until the last minute. That's his style. Put him down as a "maybe."

Quote from April

Tom: Okay! You guys pretend you're Ron Swanson, and you're trying to decide whether you want to invest in this company. Be super critical.
April: You're short.
Tom: And here...we...go!

Quote from Tom

Tom: Tom Haverford and Jean-Ralphio Saperstein...
Jean-Ralphio: Creators of Entertainment 720...
Tom: Proudly present...
Both: Rent A Swag!
Tom: Parents, are you tired of watching your middle-school-aged children grow out of the nice clothes you buy for them? Then rent them! From Rent A Swag. I own it. You rent it. You wear it. You clean it. You return it. I get rich. Wink! Rent A Swag!
Jean-Ralphio Saperstein: Where your swag is my business!
April: Okay, stop. You guys, stop! Stop! Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Quote from April

April: You're presenting this to Ron Swanson. Don't talk about any of your old, failed businesses, get rid of that stupid light show, and definitely don't use any weird, made-up words that Ron doesn't understand.
Tom: But the presentation's tomorrow at 8:00 a.m. We don't have time to start from scratch.
April: Well, if you do any of that, he's not gonna invest, so... Your funeral.

Quote from Donna

Chris: This was literally the most beautiful and moving thing that I have ever heard. [cries]
Donna: There, there, baby boy. Take all the time you need.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Well, sure, in a wrestling match, Kirk would win. But overall, who would you rather have at the helm of your Sovereign-class starship? Jean-Luc Picard. No contest.

Quote from Ben

Julia Wyatt: There's my boy!
Ben: Hey, Mom. Nice to see you. This is Leslie Knope, my fiancee.
Leslie Knope: Hi. It's--it's really nice to finally meet you, Ms. Wyatt.
Julia Wyatt: Oh! Please call me Julia. Is your father here yet?
Ben: No fighting tonight, Mom.
Julia Wyatt: Don't worry! I'm going to be civil, as long as he is. Frankly, after what he did at Geoffrey's graduation--
Leslie Knope: Oh, I have some white wine for you, some Chardonnay.
Julia Wyatt: Oh, thank you.
Leslie Knope: You're welcome. Right this way.
[Ben laughs nervously as Leslie leads his mother away]

Quote from Chris

Chris: Ann.
Ann: Hey. You all right, man?
Chris: The toast that you gave to Ben and Leslie was so beautiful, and I'm feeling very raw from my therapy. I am so happy... And so sad. It's like a perfect storm of emotions. And so I'm hiding out here, so I don't ruin this party for my two amazing best friends who I love so much. Oh! There's no more tissue. Everything ends! [cries]
Ann: No, no, no. No, there's more tissue. There's--
Chris: Everything goes away.

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: And I said, rules or no rules, I just have to kiss that beautiful face.
Marlene Knope: [chuckles] Well, that's a Knope woman for you. When we see something adorable, we attack it.
Julia Wyatt: He is adorable, isn't he? You chose well, Benny.
Leslie Knope: Aw, thank you. So far, so good.
Ben: I'll admit it. Things are going surprisingly well.
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
Ben: And pack it up. It's over, we're screwed.
Leslie Knope: He brought his girlfriend? He wasn't supposed to bring his girlfriend, Ben.
Julia Wyatt: Oh, Ben! Your father brought his little plaything.

Quote from Ben

Steve Wyatt: Hiya, Benny.
Ben: Hey, Dad, hi. [laughs] Hi. Hi, Ulani. Thought you weren't coming.
Steve Wyatt: Ulani is my girlfriend, and she's important to me, and I need her here.
Leslie Knope: Ulani, hi, I'm Leslie. What a wonderful surprise. We're so happy that you're here.
Ulani: What the hell, Steve? They didn't know I was coming?
Julia Wyatt: We didn't know it was spring break. [chuckles]
Ben: Okay, thanks, everybody, for coming. I'm so sorry you all have to go home.
Leslie Knope: Hey, Red Vines anyone?
Steve Wyatt: We're a Twizzlers family.

Quote from April

Ann: Guys, I need your help, okay? Chris is in the back room, and he's crying. Go in there, calm him down, make him feel better. Leslie and Ben have enough to deal with, okay? Thank you.
Andy: Wait, why is Chris crying?
Ann: Uh, he's emotional.
Andy: Wait, why is Chris emotional?
Ann: Because he's in therapy right now, and it's dredging up a lot of stuff for him.
Andy: Wait, wait, like what kind of stuff?
Ann: Like, I don't know, his friends are getting married, and he's not dating anyone.
Andy: Why isn't he dating anyone?
April: Yeah, why don't you date him?
Ann: Because I'm dating myself right now, okay? I'm--I'm trying to figure out how to make me happy.
April: Ugh, why is it always about you, Ann? Self-centered much?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Steve, you like sailing, right?
Steve Wyatt: Not any more, since Julia got the boat in the divorce and then sold it to a scrapyard because she's terrible.
Leslie Knope: Well, at least you don't have to deal with all that boat upkeep now, right, huh? Yech, no thankee. Let's talk about something other than sailing. Why don't you head in the other room? I have a surprise that-- There she goes. There's a surprise for you, so, um, head on in.
Steve Wyatt: I don't like surprises.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Okay, look, you gave it a try, but this quilt thing is not going to work.
Leslie Knope: Ben, on three separate occasions, I have used a quilt to mend fences. In ninth grade, a quilt ended an argument between my two best friends, and a quilt settled the Donna-Jerry parking lot feud of 2006.
Ben: What was the third time?
Leslie Knope: Right [bleep] now.
Ben: Okay, I still don't think it's gonna work, but I am really attracted to you right now.
Leslie Knope: I know. Let's do this.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Police, open up! We have a warrant! Just kidding, it's us. Ha, we got you!
Chris: Andy and April.
April: We have someone who wants to see you!
Chris: Champion! Come here. Hey, big boy. You are such a brave, good dog, with so much spirit. You've overcome so much. You are the most wonderful dog in the whole world. And I am so happy for you. [sobbing]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, everyone, I have a surprise for all of you. Voila! The Knope-Wyatt unity quilt! It represents our two families coming together, and there is a personalized square for each member of our joint family, see?
Marlene Knope: Sweetheart, this is lovely.
Leslie Knope: Thanks, Mom.
Ulani: Where's my square?
Leslie Knope: Well, you're not technically--
Steve Wyatt: Not technically what?
Julia Wyatt: Not technically an adult.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Steve Wyatt: This is a very thoughtless omission, Leslie, and as far as I'm concerned, if there's no Ulani square, this is not a legitimate unity quilt.
Ben: Oh, that old Chestnut.
Leslie Knope: Okay. I will make an Ulani square. Very, very easy. Okay. Look, this is your square now. What does "Ulani" mean?
Ulani: "Cheerful."
Leslie Knope: Sure. All right. Look at that. Unity! It's that simple. All we had to do was...
Julia Wyatt: I don't want her name on my quilt.
Leslie Knope: It's not your- It's everyone's quilt. It's a unity quilt.
Ulani: I think it's mean that you didn't do a square for me.
Steve Wyatt: It's a disaster is what it is.
Julia Wyatt: You can say that again, Steve.
Leslie Knope: See, Ben, they're agreeing. It's working.

Quote from April

Andy: All right, Chris, here's the plan. I'm just gonna list off happy things until you're cheered up. Pizza, the beach, rock and roll music...
April: And I'll list terrible things to bring you back down. Smallpox, botched surgery, snails crawling out of your mouth.
Chris: This is weirdly working. It's evening me out. Okay, keep going, keep going.
Andy: Laughter.
April: Snails crawling out of your mouth.
Andy: The beach.
April: Snails crawling out out of your mouth.
Andy: Cute cats.
April: Snails crawling out of your butt.
Andy: Dave Matthews Band.
April: Dave Matthews Band.

Quote from Ben

Steve Wyatt: I didn't mean to steal your spotlight, but the cat's out of the bag. Young Ben is going to have a new baby sister, huh? Still firing bullets, son.
Julia Wyatt: I cannot be in the same room as him.
Ben: What about the wedding?
Julia Wyatt: I'm talking about the wedding.
Ben: Ladies and gentlemen, the Wyatt family.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Marlene Knope: It's like the war of the Wyatts out there!
Leslie Knope: I mean, it's so brutal!
Marlene Knope: Oh, my God.
Leslie Knope: Were you and Dad ever like that?
Marlene Knope: Well, like any married couple, honey, your father and I fought occasionally, and sometimes he won the argument, and sometimes I won. But usually, we forgot what we were arguing about and just had sex.
Leslie Knope: La la la la la.
Marlene Knope: Anyway, the important thing is that we always ended up on the same team. And in the same bed.
Leslie Knope: [groans]
Marlene Knope: God, I miss that man.
Leslie Knope: How can you be so wise and so inappropriate at the same time?
Marlene Knope: I'm a parent.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Hey, I got your text. What are you doing?
Leslie Knope: I grabbed all of the brownies from the dessert table and four bottles of wine. Get in the car. We're going to Australia.
Ben: Leslie.
Leslie Knope: I am so sorry for everything. I love you, and I want to be on your team. I am on your team, but I think that our team should be far away from here.
Ben: Normally, I would get in the cab with you, but I am so sick of them ruining everything, and I really liked that unity quilt.
Leslie Knope: It was a good quilt.
Ben: It was an awesome quilt. Look, my parents are insane, but they need to be at our wedding. You know what? It's time for this team to come up with a new plan. I agree.
Leslie Knope: Phase one of our new plan, you get in the backseat of this cab, and we hardcore make out for 15 minutes.
Ben: I would love to do that. I'm just not sure if the driver would be okay with it.
Man: For another 100 bucks, you can do whatever you want.
Ben: Let's do this.

Quote from Chris

Ann: Oh. Chris? Seems like the storm has passed.
Chris: Indeed it has. I can't believe that I spent the entire party in a room being happy-sad on a night that means so much to my two best friends.
Ann: I mean, you're going through a lot. You need to purge all this stuff that's been building up.
April: This lesbian nurse is right, Chris. You can't keep it all bottled up.
Chris: Maybe you're right. Maybe all of my emotions tumbling out like this means that I can get a clean start.
Ann: Well, for that, you're gonna have to visit the bathroom first. Right?
April: No.
Chris: [laughs] Ann Perkins! You are, without a doubt, the queen of toilet humor.
Ann: That's all I ever wanted to be.

Quote from Ben

Ben: This was supposed to be a happy occasion. You were supposed to come here, celebrate your son's engagement, maybe bury the ax? And not in each other's back.
Leslie Knope: But it did not work out that way. So here is the new plan. I don't expect you to like each other, but you have to come to the wedding, okay? We'll seat you far away from each other. You don't even have to socialize.
Ben: Yeah, in fact, we insist that you don't. But you do have to show up and tell us that you had a great time. That's the deal. You can either take it, or you can take it.
Julia Wyatt: I can take it. I'm sorry.
Steve Wyatt: I'm sorry too, Benny.
Ulani: Sorry. Whatever.
Julia Wyatt: Aw, what a beautiful apology.
Steve Wyatt: Julia...
Ben: Guys.
Both: Sorry.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Ben's parents are insane, but he is not. He's amazing. And that's all that matters. I guess he might become insane as he ages. I should keep an eye out for that. Also, for the record, my unity quilt worked. So technically, I am three for three with unity quilts.
Ben: We only have 30 bucks left.
Leslie Knope: Let's go. Oh, okay. Get ready, driver. We're gonna make out so hard in the back of your cab.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Are you okay, son? Did you get any sleep?
Tom: Uh, not really. I stayed up most of the night. But that's not important. [exhales sharply] Let me tell you about Rent A Swag. Now--
Ron Swanson: No need, Tom. I'm in. I like doing business with serious people, and when you removed yourself from the company of that moron, you showed me you're a serious person. You have your start-up money.
Tom: Wow. I appreciate it.

Quote from Jean-Ralphio

Ron Swanson: Looking forward to tomorrow.
Tom: Yes... About that. I was wondering, is there any chance we could reschedule? I just want to make sure everything is up to my world-class "standees."
Ron Swanson: I like to keep my appointments, son, and I like others to do the same.
Tom: Of course, yes. No problem, 8:00 a.m. tomorrow. I think you're gonna be very impressed with our presentation.
Ron Swanson: "Our presentation"? Who else is joining you?
Jean-Ralphio: Ricka ricka ricka ricka! [imitates DJ] Swanson.
Ron Swanson: Jean-Ralphio.
Jean-Ralphio: That's me.
Ron Swanson: I didn't realize you were a part of this.
Tom: Of course he is. He's my business partner.
Both: Shh! Clean!
Jean-Ralphio: Business partner, now and forever. Hold up! Forever 21. 21-gun salute. Salute your shorts. Kaboosh! I just free-associated all over the "mousse-tache."
Tom: That's just one of many skills he brings to this business partnership. What are those, shrimp? Ah! Okay.
Ron Swanson: Rethink that move, son.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Okay, I'm thinking we junk everything except the mannequins. Ron's gotta see how dope the outfits are. That's the business.
Jean-Ralphio: Why are we going to Ron? Ron should be coming to us! We created Entertainment 720.
Tom: Which was a huge failure.
Jean-Ralphio: I don't know...
Tom: Look, a bank's not gonna give us a loan, and Ron loves my entrepreneurial spirit. Trust me, he's our best chance at getting start-up money.
Jean-Ralphio: I hear that. Let's go clubbing.
Tom: No, we gotta work. Didn't you hear me say we gotta junk most of the presentation?
Jean-Ralphio: Tommy, I will always be there for you, no matter what, but right now, I cannot be there for you because I have to go.
Tom: I hate to say this, but... Sometimes you've gotta work a little, so you can ball a lot.
Jean-Ralphio: That was beautiful. That changed me. I'll give you ten minutes.

Quote from Jean-Ralphio

Tom: [sighs] I can't figure out how to phrase this mission statement.
Jean-Ralphio: Let me get a shot at it. I'm actually pretty good at this stuff. See?
Tom: You just googled, "Amanda Bynes side boob." What's wrong with you?
Jean-Ralphio: What's wrong with you? Why is your SafeSearch on? That is amateur hour, Tom. Listen, we've been at this for an entire evening. I say, why don't we cut our losses? If it was such a good idea, we would be millionaires by now. Hello.
Tom: Look, man, I believe in this idea. Do you? You know I love you, but... I don't think you're as serious about this business as I am.
Jean-Ralphio: Oh, yeah, no, I'm definitely not.

Quote from Jean-Ralphio

Jean-Ralphio: Swan song! What up, my man? Ow, are you kidding me?
Ron Swanson: Jean-Ralphio. I thought you and Tom were working on your presentation.
Jean-Ralphio: No, I decided it was best if I took my talents elsewhere. Do you know what I mean?
Ron Swanson: You abandoned your friend?
Jean-Ralphio: God, no. He fired me, straight up. Talked about how I wasn't serious enough about the project, how he needed to grow up. Anyway, I have an amazing investment idea for you. Condoms with pictures on them.
Ron Swanson: Pass.
Jean-Ralphio: Good. Smart. I think you made the right decision. Take care.


 Episode 505 Episode 507 
  Select another episode