Leslie Knope: Jerry, I wanted to say I'm sorry that I screwed up your birthday party.
Jerry: Oh, that's okay.
Leslie Knope: But we all pitched in. And we are sending you and Gayle to a B&B in your favorite place in the world.
Jerry: Muncie?
Leslie Knope: Amazingly, yes. Muncie, Indiana.
Jerry: [sighs] Thank you, guys. It was really expensive.

Ben: Okay, so you're really gonna say no to Ann?
Chris: I care about Ann very deeply, but... I just don't know if I'm cut out to be a dad.
Jerry: You know, Chris, every parent makes mistakes. I mean, lord knows I've made plenty. But it's the small victories that keep you going. When you see your little one take her first step or... or graduate college, oh, my God, it just makes it all worth it. [chuckles] And another thing is if-- If, like-- If I-- [exhales] You know, and then your kid's-- because you're like--vrrrr-- I don't know. And everyone's like, "Oh." [babbles] Oh, I'm sorry, guys. I--no one ever lets me talk this long. I just got lost.
Chris: It was a beautiful point. And very well said, right up until that moment that you started babbling incoherently.

April: Who's Garry?
Jerry: Oh, I think that's supposed to be me.
April: Ha ha. That's your new name. Garry.
Andy: Garry!
All: Garry! Garry! Garry! Garry! Garry!
[aside to camera:]
Jerry: Garry is my real name. Yes, after 30 years, my coworkers are finally going to call me by my real name. Oh, boy, I'm blessed.

Jerry: [aside to camera] This is such a great day. See, at my house, I got a wife and three beautiful daughters. But this trip, it is the one time of year I get to pee standing up.

April: We should just directly apply the food to your clothes. [laughter]
Leslie Knope: Yay! Making fun of Jerry's back.
[aside to camera:]
Jerry: They can laugh at me all they want. Because two more years until I retire with full benefits and pension. And my wife and I, we have bought a little cottage on a lake. And I am going to get myself a stack of mystery novels, a box of cigars, and I am going to sit back and enjoy my life.

Jerry: Morning, Leslie.
Tom: [laughs] Jerry, take that shirt off. You look ridiculous.
Jerry: Gayle gave me this shirt yesterday as a birthday present.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, Jerry. I can't believe I forgot your birthday.
Jerry: Leslie, it is okay. I mean, let's face it, it's a tough one to remember.
[aside to camera:]
Jerry: My birthday is February 29th, so I only get one real birthday, you know, once every four years. But it's great because my wife Gayle makes such a big deal out of it. We go, we split a huge piece of cotton candy cheesecake from Cakey J's Cheesecake Facility. And then, well, we hold hands for a while. We listen to some Anita Baker. She meets up with some friends, and I turn in early.

Tom: Oh, my God, Jerry, when you check your email, you go to Altavista and type "Please go to yahoo.com?"
Jerry: Well, how else would I do it?
Tom: You don't have your email bookmarked? Do you have any bookmarks?
Jerry: What's bookmarks?
Tom: God, Jerry! You don't deserve the Internet!

Chris: Hey, Jerry. I didn't know you were working today.
Jerry: Yeah, Ron asked me to come in while he's away. Of course, I had to cancel my cardiologist appoint--
Chris: That's great. Now, here's a piece of information that is interesting. Ann is pregnant, and it's my baby.
Jerry: Oh, my God, that's wonderful news! Oh, there's so much in front of you. I mean, soon you're gonna start showing, and then your clothes will feel tight, and then, oh, people are gonna start rubbing your tummy all the time!
Ann: [laughs] That sounds terrible.
Jerry: Well, Gayle, she got really queasy, and I gained a lot of sympathy weight. You know, actually, before my kids, I looked a lot like you, Chris.
Chris: I'm very sad. Please stop talking.
Jerry: And, of course, pretty soon, Ann, your milk is gonna come in.
Ann: Oh.
Jerry: That is exciting. Mmm. [gulping] Yep, and it happens sooner than you'd think. The babies can sense it. You would be shocked, 'cause they are rooting around for that nipple. [smacking lips] Mm, mm. Gimme, gimme. Mm, mm, mm. I want milk! Mm, mm, mm, mm. Ohh. Life is a miracle.

Mitch Savner: Seems like things are a little chaotic.
Tom: No, no, everything is perfect. This is April. She's gonna be taking care of you tonight.
April: Hello, welcome to Tommy's Bistro. Today we have spaghetti, linguine, fettuccini, ravioli, rigatoni, bucatini, lasagna.
Mitch Savner: Could you repeat that?
April: Spaghetti, linguine, fettuccini, ravioli, rigatoni, Ferrari, Lamborghini, bucatini, lasagna.
Mitch Savner: Can I see a menu?
April: We had to throw our menus away because they are covered with pictures of Larry's dog rectum.
Jerry: Great news. Lord Sheldon's gonna make it. Yeah, just have to apply a salve to his anus every hour for the rest of his life, but... Oh, enjoy your meal.

Leslie Knope: Okay. Next? Wow. Really good, Jerry.
Jerry: For my murinal, I was inspired by the death of my grandma.
Tom: [laughs] You said "murinal."
Jerry: No, I didn't.
Ann: Yes, you did. You said "murinal". I heard it.
Jerry: Anyway, she...
April: Jerry. Why don't you put that murinal in the men's room so people can murinate all over it?
Tom: Jerry. Go to the doctor. You might have a murinary tract infection.
Jerry: I just wanted to show you my art.
All: [chanting] Murinal! Murinal! Murinal!
Leslie Knope: Disqualified!
[aside to camera:]
Jerry: It's pointillism. And each dot is a photo of a citizen of the town.
Tom: No one cares. At all.