Perd Hapley: "Now listen to some words from our sponsors," are the words I'm saying right now.

Ron Swanson: Hire Very Good Building Company for your construction needs. Or do not. I am not a beggar. [long silence; checks watch] End of commercial.

Leslie Knope: And now it's time to celebrate Andy Dwyer's greatest creation, Johnny Karate. [kids cheer] He has brought so much happiness to so many children in southern Indiana that we thought a piece of Johnny Karate should stay here in Pawnee.
[Ron, as Duke Silver, plays a soulful rendition of Kung Fu Fighting]
Donna: [sings] Everybody was Kung Fu fighting
Leslie Knope: Raise it up.
Donna: Those kicks were fast as lightning
Andy: This is awesome. Can you believe it, babe?
Donna: In fact, it was a little bit frightening
Leslie Knope: That karate gi will stay here forever. Well, not here here, because this studio actually has a show where divorced couples work out their problems. So that might be weird if that thing was hanging over them. But it'll be somewhere. And the spirit will stay with us forever. Andy Dwyer's final good-bye when we come back.

Andy: I'd like to begin by saying thank you to anyone who has ever worked on the Johnny Karate Musical Explosion Show. This has been the greatest job I've ever had, and today has been the best day of my life. And that's saying something. I once found a rock that looked exactly like Santa Claus, hat and everything, so... Before I say good-bye, let's review our checklist one last time. We made something with Carpenter Ron. We learned something with Professor Smartbrain. We karate chopped something, old Mailman Barry's face. And we tried something new, even though it was scary to us, with Leslie Knope. That leaves just one more thing, the most important one. Be nice to someone. And I think I know right now who needs it the most, my wife, April Ludgate-Karate-Dwyer. Honey, come on out here. Come here. Babe. [April runs off set] Hey, babe? Wait! Honey, where are you going? Babe, hey, will you-- Hey, come here. April, what's going on?
April: It's... Every week, this show is an amazing train wreck, and you love doing it, and you're the best host, like, even better than my all-time favorite host, Tom Snyder, which is crazy. And all those kids love you, and you're doing what you're meant to do. And I can't be the person that makes you lose what you love.
Andy: Yeah, but you're what I love. You're the only reason I have any of this. You believed in me, and you supported me. You make me happy... happier than I ever thought I could be. Without you, I wouldn't be anything. You're what keeps me going. You're my Verizon-Chipotle-Exxon. As long as I'm with you, I'm gonna be happy. So we go to Washington, D.C. And then we figure out the next cool and awesome thing from there, okay?
April: Okay. That was a very good "Being Nice to Someone."
Andy: I did it. I can go finish the show.

Andy: So, karate masters, you are here for an extra-awesome and super-special episode of Johnny Karate. [cheers and applause] And that is because it's my final show.
All: Aw.
Andy: Don't look glum. In a couple of weeks, I'll be moving to Washington, D.C. It's the capital of the entire world. They have things there like this white house and this mental institution and my very favorite, the Lincoln Memorial. It's this crazy statue of this giant monster sitting on a chair that represents all of America's enemies. I'll be moving to Washington, D.C., because my wife, April Ludgate-Karate-Dwyer, has accepted an amazing job there. I'm very proud of her and totally in love.

Andy: Hello, Carpenter Ron. How are you doing?
Ron Swanson: My contract is very specific. I do not have to answer that question. This week I am making a shadowbox frame, which can be used to display an object of great value. This one is constructed with American cherry wood.
Andy: Cherry, huh? Now, I have just one question--
Ron Swanson: No, the wood does not taste like cherry. You cannot eat it.
Andy: I was not going to eat it, Carpenter Ron. I was going to lick it. Always remember, kids, when you find something new, you must lick it before you eat it.
Ron Swanson: That is incorrect in a number of ways.
Andy: [groans]
Ron Swanson: I sure have had some fun making things with you, son. Thank you for everything you've done for the children of this area.
Andy: You're welcome, Carpenter Ron. Hey, kids, this, to me, seems like a... [sings] Hug moment
Ron Swanson: You are mistaken. Remove the graphic.

Jerry: Morning, Johnny. Mail call. [all cheer]
Andy: Ya! Hi, Mailman Barry. Who brought me mail today?
Jerry: Well, Johnny, you got over 500 letters from kids who love you, asking for you and April to stay.
Andy: Aw, babe, did you hear that?
Jerry: Now, Johnny, you also got one very special letter. It's from me. And on the last day of your show, I thought I could read it to you.
All: Aw.
Jerry: "Dearest Andy, I have never had a son of my own, and I just want you to know that for the past ten years"--
Andy: It's time to karate chop something! Ninjas, attack!
Jerry: Oh, jeez.
Andy: Disperse! Remember, never attack a real postal employee. We're allowed to attack Mailman Barry because he volunteered to help us with our karate moves.
Jerry: I kind of thought I'd be holding a piece of wood or something, but, you know... always happy to help.

Perd Hapley: The thing we return to now is my Johnny Karate Show return message.

Announcer: [v.o.] What powers us? What gives us the tools to attain our goals, face our fears, take that next step into the unknown? It's energy. Verizon, Exxon, and Chipotle are proud to announce a cross-platform merger of our three great brands. Whether it's extending your 6G coverage, drilling natural gas out of shale, or perfecting the chicken quesadilla, we will give you the energy to get you to the next level. And with enough energy, America, nothing can stop us. The all-new Verizon-Chipotle-Exxon, proud to be one of America's 8 companies.

Perd Hapley: It's The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show. Now, to introduce your host, Johnny Karate, here is me, Perd Hapley!
Andy: Silence! Welcome to the only show that's all about learning, music, animals, fireworks, water skis, and above all, ice cream, pizza, ninjas, getting stronger, sharks versus bears, and above all... karate!
All: Hiya!
Andy: Now, why don't you kids help me sing The Welcome Song! Let me just grab my guitar. [gasps] Someone has stolen my guitar. [all gasp] This seems like a case for Special Agent... Burt Macklin.