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‘The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show

710. The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show

Aired February 17, 2015

Before he and April get ready to leave Pawnee for Washington, D.C., Andy hosts the final episode of The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show with the help of his friends.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Perd Hapley: "Now listen to some words from our sponsors," are the words I'm saying right now.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Hire Very Good Building Company for your construction needs. Or do not. I am not a beggar. [long silence; checks watch] End of commercial.

Quote from Donna

Leslie Knope: And now it's time to celebrate Andy Dwyer's greatest creation, Johnny Karate. [kids cheer] He has brought so much happiness to so many children in southern Indiana that we thought a piece of Johnny Karate should stay here in Pawnee.
[Ron, as Duke Silver, plays a soulful rendition of Kung Fu Fighting]
Donna: [sings] Everybody was Kung Fu fighting
Leslie Knope: Raise it up.
Donna: Those kicks were fast as lightning
Andy: This is awesome. Can you believe it, babe?
Donna: In fact, it was a little bit frightening
Leslie Knope: That karate gi will stay here forever. Well, not here here, because this studio actually has a show where divorced couples work out their problems. So that might be weird if that thing was hanging over them. But it'll be somewhere. And the spirit will stay with us forever. Andy Dwyer's final good-bye when we come back.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I'd like to begin by saying thank you to anyone who has ever worked on the Johnny Karate Musical Explosion Show. This has been the greatest job I've ever had, and today has been the best day of my life. And that's saying something. I once found a rock that looked exactly like Santa Claus, hat and everything, so... Before I say good-bye, let's review our checklist one last time. We made something with Carpenter Ron. We learned something with Professor Smartbrain. We karate chopped something, old Mailman Barry's face. And we tried something new, even though it was scary to us, with Leslie Knope. That leaves just one more thing, the most important one. Be nice to someone. And I think I know right now who needs it the most, my wife, April Ludgate-Karate-Dwyer. Honey, come on out here. Come here. Babe. [April runs off set] Hey, babe? Wait! Honey, where are you going? Babe, hey, will you-- Hey, come here. April, what's going on?
April: It's... Every week, this show is an amazing train wreck, and you love doing it, and you're the best host, like, even better than my all-time favorite host, Tom Snyder, which is crazy. And all those kids love you, and you're doing what you're meant to do. And I can't be the person that makes you lose what you love.
Andy: Yeah, but you're what I love. You're the only reason I have any of this. You believed in me, and you supported me. You make me happy... happier than I ever thought I could be. Without you, I wouldn't be anything. You're what keeps me going. You're my Verizon-Chipotle-Exxon. As long as I'm with you, I'm gonna be happy. So we go to Washington, D.C. And then we figure out the next cool and awesome thing from there, okay?
April: Okay. That was a very good "Being Nice to Someone."
Andy: I did it. I can go finish the show.

Quote from Andy

Andy: So, karate masters, you are here for an extra-awesome and super-special episode of Johnny Karate. [cheers and applause] And that is because it's my final show.
All: Aw.
Andy: Don't look glum. In a couple of weeks, I'll be moving to Washington, D.C. It's the capital of the entire world. They have things there like this white house and this mental institution and my very favorite, the Lincoln Memorial. It's this crazy statue of this giant monster sitting on a chair that represents all of America's enemies. I'll be moving to Washington, D.C., because my wife, April Ludgate-Karate-Dwyer, has accepted an amazing job there. I'm very proud of her and totally in love.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Andy: Hello, Carpenter Ron. How are you doing?
Ron Swanson: My contract is very specific. I do not have to answer that question. This week I am making a shadowbox frame, which can be used to display an object of great value. This one is constructed with American cherry wood.
Andy: Cherry, huh? Now, I have just one question--
Ron Swanson: No, the wood does not taste like cherry. You cannot eat it.
Andy: I was not going to eat it, Carpenter Ron. I was going to lick it. Always remember, kids, when you find something new, you must lick it before you eat it.
Ron Swanson: That is incorrect in a number of ways.
Andy: [groans]
Ron Swanson: I sure have had some fun making things with you, son. Thank you for everything you've done for the children of this area.
Andy: You're welcome, Carpenter Ron. Hey, kids, this, to me, seems like a... [sings] Hug moment
Ron Swanson: You are mistaken. Remove the graphic.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: Morning, Johnny. Mail call. [all cheer]
Andy: Ya! Hi, Mailman Barry. Who brought me mail today?
Jerry: Well, Johnny, you got over 500 letters from kids who love you, asking for you and April to stay.
Andy: Aw, babe, did you hear that?
Jerry: Now, Johnny, you also got one very special letter. It's from me. And on the last day of your show, I thought I could read it to you.
All: Aw.
Jerry: "Dearest Andy, I have never had a son of my own, and I just want you to know that for the past ten years"--
Andy: It's time to karate chop something! Ninjas, attack!
Jerry: Oh, jeez.
Andy: Disperse! Remember, never attack a real postal employee. We're allowed to attack Mailman Barry because he volunteered to help us with our karate moves.
Jerry: I kind of thought I'd be holding a piece of wood or something, but, you know... always happy to help.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Perd Hapley: The thing we return to now is my Johnny Karate Show return message.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Announcer: [v.o.] What powers us? What gives us the tools to attain our goals, face our fears, take that next step into the unknown? It's energy. Verizon, Exxon, and Chipotle are proud to announce a cross-platform merger of our three great brands. Whether it's extending your 6G coverage, drilling natural gas out of shale, or perfecting the chicken quesadilla, we will give you the energy to get you to the next level. And with enough energy, America, nothing can stop us. The all-new Verizon-Chipotle-Exxon, proud to be one of America's 8 companies.

Quote from Andy

Perd Hapley: It's The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show. Now, to introduce your host, Johnny Karate, here is me, Perd Hapley!
Andy: Silence! Welcome to the only show that's all about learning, music, animals, fireworks, water skis, and above all, ice cream, pizza, ninjas, getting stronger, sharks versus bears, and above all... karate!
All: Hiya!
Andy: Now, why don't you kids help me sing The Welcome Song! Let me just grab my guitar. [gasps] Someone has stolen my guitar. [all gasp] This seems like a case for Special Agent... Burt Macklin.

Quote from Andy

Andy: I don't give a crap, Batman. You work for me. Increase the perimeter!
Donna: Macklin, the President's called six times. If we don't get that guitar back, the peace in Iraq will be canceled.
Andy: Get off my back, Chief! I'm doing the best I can. I don't play by the rules. But I get results.
Donna: Dang it! You're right again, Macklin. And I'm sorry. You're the best agent I've seen. And I've worked with James Bond. This clue may help.
Andy: Mm.
Donna: It was left at the crime scene.
Andy: You're dismissed. This case just keeps getting deeper and deeper. I'm drowning in the adult end of the pool, and the lifeguard's off in the bathroom pooping. [laughter] That's good writing. Johnny Karate's guitar has been stolen. That instrument is worth literally $900 million. But more importantly, he can't play The Good-bye Song without it. So, by the time this show is over, I will find who stole it, and they will pay the ultimate price.
Perd Hapley: A one-way ticket to the Funky Monkey Dunk Tank!
Andy: All that and more, on The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show!

Quote from Andy

["The Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show" opening credits:]
Andy: [sings] It's time to punch boredom in its stupid face Jump, kick, punch, and jump And drop-kick sadness into outer space Punch, kick till you drop It's the Johnny Karate Super Awesome Musical Explosion Show

Quote from Andy

Andy: April, why don't you come on out and talk to the children? Take a bow for being so cool.
April: Hey, Johnny! So, since it's your final show, I wanted to do one last extra-special April's Animal Corner. [children gasp] That's right. This week I brought one of the scariest, weirdest animals in the whole world, a goliath bird-eating tarantula.
All: Wow!
April: Now, the name, "goliath" means "giant." And you can see that-- Andy, where is it?
Andy: What? Uh-oh.
April: Where is it?
Andy: Don't look at me. I don't know what happened. I took it out to play hide-and-seek. I couldn't find it, and then-- Oh, that's what happened. Okay, well, once again, April's Animal Corner has turned into one of our favorite segments, Loose Animal in the Studio.
April: Yay!
Andy: And as always, when we accidentally end up doing Loose Animal in the Studio, we have to show you this disclaimer.
Andy: Boring! Here's a disclaimer, I didn't read this disclaimer. [blows raspberry] Ooh, good point. Okay. Done.
Andy: Okay, kids, so be on the lookout for a-- What's it called?
April: A goliath bird-eating tarantula, known locally to Venezuelans as "the Devil's Fist." Bye, kids!

Quote from Andy

Andy: Okay, kids, well, we've got a lot of work to do, performing the Five Karate Moves to Success. Sing it with me!
Andy: [sings] Today we're gonna make something Learn something Karate chop something And then we'll try something new Even if it's scary to you And finally we'll have some fun Being nice to someone Because that's the Johnny Karate way

Quote from Ben

Andy: Hello, Professor Smartbrain.
Ben: Hi, Johnny. Listen, I don't know if you got my email, but I thought that since this is our final show, maybe we not use the-- [buzzer sounds] Boring buzzer. [laughter] Okay, kids, today we're gonna learn about geography. Now, you, Johnny, are moving to Washington, D.C. I thought what we could talk about is how fast you could get there using an airplane, a train, or a car. Now, as you can see, the airplane is the fastest.
Andy: Not the fastest. What about teleporting?
Ben: Well, sure, that would be really fun, but it's impossible.
Andy: Nothing is impossible, kids.
Ben: Teleportation is impossible. It's about theoretical physics. [buzzer sounds] You know, you asked me to do this. This was a favor-- [buzzer sounds]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hey, Johnny Karate, I'm so happy to be here on your last show ever.
Andy: Hi, Leslie. I'm glad you're here to teach us all how to be brave. So, Leslie, what are you going to be trying new this week?
Leslie Knope: I am going to be taking over hosting my friend's TV show.
Andy: Huh?
Leslie Knope: Isn't that right, April?
April: That is right. Johnny, you have made so many kids and so many parents so happy, that we wanted to give you a proper send-off.
Leslie Knope: Andy Dwyer/Johnny Karate, this is your life.
Andy: Oh, my gosh, Leslie, this is amazing. I don't know what to say... Literally, because normally I have a script that I have to stick to, but... I don't know what I'm supposed to say right now. It's kind of a nightmare.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ken Hotate: The Wamapoke people have a saying: "Only one who listens hears the cry of the wolf." [wolf howling] That advice has been passed down from generation to generation. Today I give that advice to you. Listen for Coinsy the Wolf at Wamapoke Casino. Twice a day, one lucky visitor will hit the mega-wolf jackpot. And Coinsy will howl for you! [siren wailing and wolf howling] Wamapoke Casino, slowly taking back our money from white people one quarter at a time.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Welcome back. When I first met the man standing next to me, he was not a cultural phenomenon.
Andy: "Phenomenon" means "to explore a cave."
Leslie Knope: He was going through a tough time. He had just broken both legs from falling into a pit.
Andy: I was super wasted.
Leslie Knope: It's a kids' show, Andy.
Andy: Yes, good call. Kids' show. Good call.
Leslie Knope: That event set in motion many wonderful things in my life, including the building of the Pawnee Commons. So, in a weird way, Andy, I owe it all to you.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Andy: And now that the show is ending, I'm gonna have to start all over again. Hopefully there's a pit in Washington, D.C., that I could fall into.
Leslie Knope: Andy pulled his life together, and he got himself a job at the shoe-shine stand in City Hall.
Ben: He then became a bureaucratic assistant. Hi, honey.
Leslie Knope: Hey. Hi.
Ben: He was always enthusiastic. But he also kept track of his appointments by writing them on his arm.
Andy: Still do. ["Tape final show" written on Andy's arm]
Leslie Knope: To commemorate that time and to make sure that you never miss another appointment again, we have brought you a monogrammed day planner. [Andy gasps]

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: From then, Andy went to England for a few months to work for a nonprofit. It was there that he befriended the 14th Earl of Cornwall-upon-Thames, Sir Edgar Covington. Ta-da!
Andy: Oh, my God, Eddie, this is amazing!
Edgar Covington: Andy, I am here in this weird, flat place, to name you a loyal and true karate defender of the Queen's Realm. [regal music] Please get down on one knee. This honor is bestowed on those who have shown great achievement in fields of the arts, learning, literature, and science. Therefore, I hereby dub thee a knight of the Order of the British Empire.
Ben: Hang on, can you actually do this?
Edgar Covington: Well, technically, only the Queen can knight somebody, but I'm so rich that she lets me do what I want. Would you like to be knighted?
Ben: Oh, no, no, no, no. No, of course not. It's Andy's day.
Andy: Dude, I don't mind.
Ben: Oh, then, yes, knight me, please. Oh, my God, this is amazing! Winter is coming for Sir Ben Lightstorm.
Edgar Covington: Okay, you're both knights.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Friend, coworker, musician, husband, Andy Dwyer--
Andy: Sir Andy Dwyer.
Leslie Knope: Sir Andy Dwyer had become so many things to so many people. But his greatest creation was yet to come. A salute to Johnny Karate when we come back.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Announcer: We know what you want: healthy, natural food that still tastes great. And we're here to tell you... [record scratches] It doesn't exist. Healthy food is for suckers. It tastes like garbage, and if you say you like it, you're a chump and a liar. Be honest. This is what you want to eat... The Paunch Burger Dinner for Breakfast combo burger combo. It tastes amazing. What's in it? Who cares? How many calories? Shut up. It's awesome. Put it in your body, or you're a nerd.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Perd Hapley: [v.o.] One of Andy's greatest achievements was the success of his band, Mouse Rat.
Burly: No one was doing what we were doing. Well, that's not really true. I mean, we were basically playing covers of Dave Matthews songs. So I guess you could say Dave Matthews was doing what we were doing.
Mark Rivers: Oh, to play in a band like Mouse Rat that brought such joy to so many truly was a mitzvah. I should mention I'm a rabbi now.
Perd Hapley: [v.o.] For the full rockumentary, go to TheJohnnyKarateSuperAwesomeMusicalExplosion.com. And now, back to the show.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Every hero struggles with failure, faces something they cannot do. Andy faced one of those moments just a few years ago.
Andy: And I would've chugged that entire gallon of milk had I not started puking out of nowhere.
Leslie Knope: No, you did not achieve your dream of becoming a Pawnee police officer.
Andy: Oh, right.
Leslie Knope: But you did create Burt Macklin, a character who exemplifies everything that is great about law enforcement. Take a look.

Quote from Andy

Andy: My name is Burt Tyrannosaurus Macklin. [funky music]
Andy: I don't know what the problem is, Sergeant. Just drain the ocean.

Quote from Andy

Officer Killnose: Andy, on behalf of the entire Pawnee Police Department, I'd like to present you with this genuine Pawnee police badge.
Andy: Wow.
Ron Swanson: It's ensconced forever in the shadowbox we made earlier.
Andy: How about that? [glass shatters]
Officer Killnose: No.
Ron Swanson: Son, we spent four days making that.

Quote from Andy

Andy: This means so, so much to me. I'm a cop. I should get some handcuffs too. Give me your cuffs, Randy.
Officer Killnose: No, no, no.
Andy: Give me your cuffs.
Officer Killnose: It's an honorary title only.
Andy: Stand down, sir.
Officer Killnose: Stop it! Quit!
Leslie Knope: Andy, now that you're an official police officer...
Officer Killnose: He's not. I want to make it clear. He's not.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Professor Smartbrain, this piece of fabric was found at the scene. Look at it under your telescope.
Ben: Hmm. It looks like there are some tiny initials. "J.C."?
Andy: President Jimmy Carter stole my guitar? But why?
Ben: I don't think it's Jimmy Carter, buddy.
John Cena: The champ is here! [cheers and applause] Hi, kids, is everybody having a great time?
Andy: I know I am! John Cena in the house! John Cena, you're my hero.
John Cena: Wait, you're Andy.
Andy: Yeah, I'm Andy.
John Cena: From the information I got, I just assumed you'd be, like, ten years old.
Andy: Thank you.

Quote from Andy

John Cena: Okay, great. Thank you. Thank you so much, man, for bringing martial arts and music to all the children-- Wait, wait, what are you doing, man?
Andy: Got you.
John Cena: Got me? What?
Officer Killnose: He got my cuffs. Wait. What the hell is this?
Andy: John Cena, you're a great inspiration, a true hero, and this is the greatest moment of my life. But you're going down.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [sings] Well it's time for us to go But I want you all to know That karate's not about fighting It's about knowing who you are And being kind and honest While you're kicking for the stars Yeah, that's the Johnny Karate way Keep karate in your heart And aspire to your dreams And always remember You're forever on my team Yeah, that's the Johnny Karate way. [talks] Karate yell!
All: Hiya!
Andy: Good-bye, Pawnee. I will miss you. [cheers and applause]

Quote from April

John Cena: Guys? Guys? Guys! Tarantula. [gasps] Could somebody get me out of here, please?
April: I'll help you, John Cena. [pushes the dunk button]
John Cena: No!


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