Previous Episode Next Episode 
William Henry Harrison

‘William Henry Harrison’

Season 7, Episode 3 - Aired January 20, 2015

Leslie and Ron continue to square off over the Newport land. Leslie is determined to find a reason the land should be made a park, even a tenuous link to president William Henry Harrison. Ron is talked into getting a celebrity spokesperson for the Gryzzl campaign. Meanwhile, Andy tries to help April find a job she would like more.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Roscoe: Gryzzl is an outsider here in Pawnee, so a local celebrity is gonna make everyone feel more at ease with us. And that's why we called on you home court chillers to frack your braniums.
Tom: Since we're locals, they want us to think of ideas.
Ron Swanson: I got it from context.
Tom: Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I have no interest in consorting with celebrities. The only celebrities I recognize are furniture maker Garry Knox Bennett, designer of the notorious 16 Penny Nail Cabinet, and Magnus, the five-by-five bull elk I saw near my cabin two years ago. Took a shot at the bastard and he stuck his antlers through the door of my meat shed. One day, Magnus, I will wear you as a jacket.

Rate

Quote from Leslie Knope

Bill: Hi, Leslie. Bill Haggerty from the Pawnee Historical Society.
Leslie Knope: Oh, yes, Bill. I remember you.
Bill: I heard you were looking for information on the Newport land, and I have some very exciting news for you. It concerns William Henry Harrison.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: We claim William Henry Harrison as a hero because he was the first governor of the Indiana territories, and then President of the United States. We're also a little ashamed of him because he didn't wear a coat at his inauguration, caught a bad cold and died 32 days later. He's an embarrassing footnote. But he's our embarrassing footnote.

Quote from Jerry

Ben: Could you please focus? It'll take two minutes. And all signatures need to be notarized, and I really don't want to have to schedule two different notary appointments.
Jerry: Uh, not to eavesdrop, but I have a crazy story. I recently had a bit of a health scare, just a couple weeks in the hospital.
Andy: Oh, God. This story's terrible so far.
Jerry: Anyway, I became really motivated once I got out to finally live life to the fullest. So...I fulfilled one of my lifelong dreams. And I became a notary public. So if I go with you, Ron and Leslie can sign the document separately.

Quote from April

April: [aside to camera] William Henry Harrison is totally ridiculous. They can't even fill a small museum with real stuff about his life because he was so lame. The "If He'd Worn A Coat Room" explores how great America would have been if Harrison had worn a coat at his inauguration. And not died. [Tubthumping plays] This room is called "Other Things That Were Famous for One Month." Oh, and side note, admission to this museum costs $14. And while you're here, why not visit the "Other Famous Harrisons" exhibit.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Roscoe: Oh, hey, guys. Come on in. You guys, I am Roscoe. I am Vice President of Cool New Shizz here at Gryzzl. Feel free in this meeting to break out your vapes and just kick back. Now, peep this. Leslie Knope has been meeting with people to try to sexy-up her presentation. So we had this far-out brain tornado.
Tom: [to Ron] Good idea.
Roscoe: We should get a brity to come kick it with us small time, and then just be like, "Hey, chumps. Let's get tight with Gryzz."
Tom: [to Ron] We need a celebrity. As a minority owner, it'll strengthen Gryzzl's bid.
Ron Swanson: Is a celebrity necessary? I prefer quality over flash. That's why I refuse to write my signature in cursive.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Donna: I can't help but ask, what's in right now?
Annabel Porter: Well, this season I'm intrigued by...asymmetrical overalls, angora toothbrushes, and locally sourced Italian flip flops. Also, there's a flirty trend in beverages. So you've had soy milk and almond milk. Now try the hottest new craze... beef milk. It's like almond milk that's been squeezed through tiny holes in living cows. [Donna and Tom applaud]
Ron Swanson: It's [bleep] milk.
All: No.
Tom: Milk costs $3 a gallon. Annabel's authentic, hand-strained teat-to-table beef milk, that costs $60 a gallon.
Donna: Yeah, and there's a wait list. This woman knows business.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: So, gentlemen, you have evidence that the Newport land should be preserved.
Marty: Absolutely. You see, I'm a ninth level Octopriest in the Church of the Reasonableists.
Leslie Knope: Oh, boy.
Marty: The land is sacred in our religion. Because it's the place where all human souls will be transmuted when Zorpe the Lizard God passes through Jupiter's sphincter.
April: Hail, Zorpe.
Both: Hail, Zorpe!
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I'm looking for anything to strengthen my case that the Newport land should become a park, and not a corporate campus. Religious reasons, animal conservation, historical significance. Anything. So hold on to your straws, everybody. 'cause Mama's going graspin'.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Manrico: In 1980, there were more than 600 million Indiana brown ants in that forest. Today, there are only 595 million. At that rate, they'll all be gone by the year 2030...60.
Leslie Knope: 200 and 3,060? 200,000 years from now?
Manrico: Yes.
Leslie Knope: That doesn't seem like an immediate crisis.

Quote from Donna

Tom: These are all great options, but I think we need to go after Pawnee's biggest fish: Annabel Porter from Bloosh.
Ron Swanson: That horrifying lifestyle newsletter filled with vegan recipes and pointless tchotchkes? Forget it. That woman is my nightmare.
Donna: Um, she's a big deal, Ron. Bloosh just won the Pulitzer Prize for Best Top Ten Listicle two years in a row.

Quote from Tom

Ron Swanson: Leslie, you little sneak. If Leslie's going for a hook, we should too. Let's get Annabel Bloosh Person. Yes!
Tom: Glad to see you finally come around after these two minutes of insanity. Now will you please consider investing in that toddler cologne I've been bugging you about. [to camera] Toddler cologne. Baby - tsst tsst - you smell good.

Page 2