Diane Lewis: Hey.
Ron Swanson: Hey.
Diane Lewis: Am I interrupting something important?
Ron Swanson: Impossible. I work for the government.

Martha: So, three bedrooms, two baths, nice big backyard.
Leslie Knope: But no trampoline room, correct?
Martha: Correct. Like all houses in the world, there's no trampoline room.
Leslie Knope: Mm.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Ben is coming back from D.C. in ten days and we are moving into a house together. He would move into my place, but it's a scary nightmare hoarder nest. His words. And Ann's. And the official report filed by the Health Department.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I like Diane, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for a whole family. If the kids ever wanted to come to my place, I'd have to take a whole week off work just to undo the alarms and tripwires.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Okay, so I have arranged for the Parks Department to throw a huge garage sale fundraiser for Jerry to help pay for his hospital bills. The Pawnee municipal employee health care plan is kinda crappy. One time I sprained my wrist and our insurance claimed that having a wrist was a pre-existing condition.

Chris: Hey, that's my name.
Ann: Yeah, that's my Chris Traeger box. All these boxes represent stuff from different eras of ex-boyfriends.
Chris: Oh...Here are those ankle weights I bought you that you liked so much.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Recently Leslie pointed out that sometimes when I date someone, I kind of adopt that person's personality. The evidence is fairly damning. Chris Traeger, exercise phase. Andy Dwyer, my grunge phase. Tom Haverford, my needless shopping phase. Also my credit card debt phase. Ann Perkins.

Morris: I'm just saying, you should have put "spoiler alert" on all those Death Canoe tweets. Also, not safe for work. You know, a lot of what you wrote was really profane.
Donna: That movie's 25 years old, Morris. And if you don't like how I tweet, don't follow me.
Morris: What are you doing now? I'm talking to you.
Donna: I'm live tweeting this dumb-ass conversation.

Chris: In honor of Halloween, the city manager's office will be throwing a scary movie night in the courtyard. Tonight's film is the 1986 horror camp classic, Death Canoe 4: Murder At Blood Lake.
Donna: Seriously? That's the best one! I hope no one minds if I live tweet this bitch.

Leslie Knope: [on the phone] So hold on, what does this mean?
Ben: It means Jen wants me to keep working for her. There's a businessman in Florida who wants to run for governor.
Leslie Knope: Florida? They have sharks in Florida. And swamps. And swamp sharks.
Ben: Do you mean alligators?
Leslie Knope: Maybe.

Leslie Knope: Thank you so much for coming. Good afternoon. As many of your know, Jerry Gergich, our friend, has suffered a devastating fart attack, and we are here to help. So there are some special auction items I will be dealing with. The first item up for bid is an inscribed autobiography from Pawnee newscaster Perd Hapley. The book's entitled The Thing About Me Is I'm Perd Hapley. Anyway, let's start the bidding at $20. $20. Thank you sir, for 20. Do I see 30?

Leslie Knope: Please, we need to do this for Jerry and his future. This could be great, you know? Three out of four married couples have met each other at spontaneous auctions.
Ann: I don't think that's true.
Leslie Knope: I d- Well, I don't know, I...