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‘Halloween Surprise’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Halloween Surprise

505. Halloween Surprise

Aired October 25, 2012

As their time in Washington D.C. comes to an end, Jennifer Barkley asks Ben to take a job on another campaign. After Jerry suffers a heart attack, Leslie tries to raise money for his hospital bills. Meanwhile, Ron and Andy take care of Diane's kids on Halloween.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Diane Lewis: Hey.
Ron Swanson: Hey.
Diane Lewis: Am I interrupting something important?
Ron Swanson: Impossible. I work for the government.

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Quote from Leslie Knope

Martha: So, three bedrooms, two baths, nice big backyard.
Leslie Knope: But no trampoline room, correct?
Martha: Correct. Like all houses in the world, there's no trampoline room.
Leslie Knope: Mm.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Ben is coming back from D.C. in ten days and we are moving into a house together. He would move into my place, but it's a scary nightmare hoarder nest. His words. And Ann's. And the official report filed by the Health Department.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I like Diane, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for a whole family. If the kids ever wanted to come to my place, I'd have to take a whole week off work just to undo the alarms and tripwires.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Okay, so I have arranged for the Parks Department to throw a huge garage sale fundraiser for Jerry to help pay for his hospital bills. The Pawnee municipal employee health care plan is kinda crappy. One time I sprained my wrist and our insurance claimed that having a wrist was a pre-existing condition.

Quote from Ann

Chris: Hey, that's my name.
Ann: Yeah, that's my Chris Traeger box. All these boxes represent stuff from different eras of ex-boyfriends.
Chris: Oh...Here are those ankle weights I bought you that you liked so much.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: Recently Leslie pointed out that sometimes when I date someone, I kind of adopt that person's personality. The evidence is fairly damning. Chris Traeger, exercise phase. Andy Dwyer, my grunge phase. Tom Haverford, my needless shopping phase. Also my credit card debt phase. Ann Perkins.

Quote from Donna

Morris: I'm just saying, you should have put "spoiler alert" on all those Death Canoe tweets. Also, not safe for work. You know, a lot of what you wrote was really profane.
Donna: That movie's 25 years old, Morris. And if you don't like how I tweet, don't follow me.
Morris: What are you doing now? I'm talking to you.
Donna: I'm live tweeting this dumb-ass conversation.

Quote from Donna

Chris: In honor of Halloween, the city manager's office will be throwing a scary movie night in the courtyard. Tonight's film is the 1986 horror camp classic, Death Canoe 4: Murder At Blood Lake.
Donna: Seriously? That's the best one! I hope no one minds if I live tweet this bitch.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [on the phone] So hold on, what does this mean?
Ben: It means Jen wants me to keep working for her. There's a businessman in Florida who wants to run for governor.
Leslie Knope: Florida? They have sharks in Florida. And swamps. And swamp sharks.
Ben: Do you mean alligators?
Leslie Knope: Maybe.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Thank you so much for coming. Good afternoon. As many of your know, Jerry Gergich, our friend, has suffered a devastating fart attack, and we are here to help. So there are some special auction items I will be dealing with. The first item up for bid is an inscribed autobiography from Pawnee newscaster Perd Hapley. The book's entitled The Thing About Me Is I'm Perd Hapley. Anyway, let's start the bidding at $20. $20. Thank you sir, for 20. Do I see 30?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Please, we need to do this for Jerry and his future. This could be great, you know? Three out of four married couples have met each other at spontaneous auctions.
Ann: I don't think that's true.
Leslie Knope: I d- Well, I don't know, I...

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Diane and I have been seeing a lot of each other, recently. She is a sharp, confident, strong woman. Her children are loud.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Parks Department! Chris Traeger, city manager, friend, aspiring life coach and recipient of Dr. Richard Nygard's award for Most Improved Patient for my psychotherapy sessions.
Jerry: Wow, that's great, Chris. Congrats.
Chris: Thanks, Jerry.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: It's just a piece of paper and he only made it for me after I specifically asked for it while crying loudly, but... It sure meant a lot to receive it.

Quote from Andy

Andy: So you're a princess too, hey?
Diane Lewis: Oh, for the last four years everything has been princesses. Every book, every movie, every backpack. All princesses all the time.
Andy: Oh, that sounds fun.
Diane Lewis: It's a nightmare.
Andy: Excuse me, I just have to file a quick report.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: I'm applying to the police academy soon and the manual says I have to work on my observation skills so...Tree, leaves, night, sky, hand. Andy's hand. Pfft. What else you got?

Quote from Donna

Donna: Uh-oh, it's the death canoe. Get your foot out the water, dumb-ass! It's blood lake.
Chris: Now, I missed the first three Death Canoe films. Why exactly is it a death canoe? Does it tip over easily?
Donna: Read my Twitter feed. I live tweeted the first three this morning in preparation. In the fifth one, the canoe's actually the hero. It's a crazy twist.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I mean, I just feel so powerless. Just when things start to turn around and they fall apart. Now I know exactly how FDR felt after Pearl Harbor.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Oh, geez! Did a dinosaur just fart? Jerry, get a grip.
Jerry: Sorry, guys. [flatulence continues]
Tom: Ugh! Apology not accepted.
Ann: Stop talking, moron.
Tom: I wish I could stop smelling.
Ann: Dude.
Tom: Seriously, Jerry, did you eat farts for lunch?
Leslie Knope: Tom! Jerry's having a heart attack.
Tom: Oh, no, I didn't know that. Jerry, you okay?

Quote from Tom

Tom: Okay, I've got some magazines and those boring word jumbles you like to do. Is there anything else you need, J? Maybe some Gas-X?
Jerry: Ha ha, Tom.
Leslie Knope: How is he, Ann? Give it to me straight.
Ann: He's great. He should be out of here in a day or two.
Tom: Doctor, medically speaking, how would you describe what happened to Jerry?
Dr. Harris: He had a mild heart attack.
Tom: Yeah, but he also exhibited excessive flatulence. Is there a term for having a heart attack while releasing so much gas?
Dr. Harris: Not really. Gastrointestinal distress is common during a cardiac event.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I just want to hear the doctor say that Jerry had a fart attack. Is that too much to ask?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Andy: Ron, you're not selling anything?
Ron Swanson: I am selling this table. I made it.
[Ron holds up a white piece of paper with one line of text reading "Good table: $500"]

Quote from Tom

Tom: What up, playboy? You like that jacket? It's a pretty dope cut, right?
Boy: Yeah. Can I have it, Mom? I could wear it to homecoming.
Woman: 300 bucks for something you're just gonna grow out of in a month? Forget it.
Tom: Wait, I can rent it to you.
Woman: Really?
Tom: Yeah, it's part of a business I run. High end clothes rentals for teens, tweens and everything in betweens. That jacket is 20 bucks a week.
Woman: Done. This is a great idea. He grows so fast I never wanna buy him anything nice. What's the name of your business?
Tom: [to camera] Rent-a-swag.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hey.
Ben: Hey.
Leslie Knope: I didn't know you were coming back here. [Ben gets down on one knee] Oh. What are you doing? Oh, my God, what are you doing?
Ben: I'm thinking about my future. I am deeply, ridiculously in love with you and above everything else, I just-- I wanna be with you forever. So, Leslie Knope, will--
Leslie Knope: Wait. Wait. Okay?
Ben: Okay.
Leslie Knope: Just--I need to remember this.
Ben: Sure.
Leslie Knope: Gimme a second. Okay.
Ben: Leslie K--
Leslie Knope: No, no, no, no, hold on. Just, I need another second, please. I need to remember every little thing about how perfect my life is right now at this exact moment.
Ben: Okay. Are you good?
Leslie Knope: Yeah. I'm good.
Ben: Okay. Leslie Knope, will you--
Leslie Knope: Yes! [they kiss]
Ben: Marry me?
Leslie Knope: Oh, yeah.
Ben: Okay. Great.


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