Councilman Jeremy Jamm Quotes Page 1 of 5

Quote from How a Bill Becomes a Law

Leslie Knope: Oh, this is the coolest part ever. I have my own private bathroom.
Councilman Jamm: Occupied!
Leslie Knope: Oh my God.
Ben: [on video chat] Ugh.
Leslie Knope: Councilman Jamm. What are you doing in my bathroom?
Councilman Jamm: I don't known if i would call it your bathroom.
Leslie Knope: Its only door is in my office.
Councilman Jamm: I think it is crazy that the most junior city councilor gets a private bathroom just because she is a girl.
Leslie Knope: Excuse me?
Councilman Jamm: Let's solve this. Tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to drop my liquids in here, take my solids down the hall. Deal?
Leslie Knope: No. No deal.
Councilman Jamm: Fine. Your loss.
Leslie Knope: How?

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Quote from How a Bill Becomes a Law

Councilman Jamm: Oh, yeah, yeah. Beautiful, Tom. Beautiful. Dynamite gums.
Tom: Aw, thanks.
Councilman Jamm: Tom, do you want to know why I moved to Pawnee?
Tom: Sure.
Councilman Jamm: It's because the two leading industries here are corn syrup and rubber nipples. It is a dentistry jackpot. It's genius, right?
Tom: Well, D.D.S. doesn't stand for "dumb, dumb, stupid."
Councilman Jamm: [laughs] I like that. I'm going to steal it. That's mine now.

Quote from Gin It Up!

Councilman Jamm: All right, let's begin. These hearings have two goals. One, to find out exactly how this offensive tweet came to be sent. And two, to turn this whole thing into a media circus. Ms. Knope, do you have a statement?
Leslie Knope: Well, it's actually quite simple. Uh, a Parks and Rec employee forgot to log out of the Parks and Rec Twitter account, and they posted a personal, private message by accident, and, uh, that person is very sorry, and it won't happen again.
Councilman Jamm: Stop stonewalling and tell us what happened here!
Leslie Knope: I just told you what happened. It was an unfortunate mistake.

Quote from Gin It Up!

Councilman Jamm: Okay, sadly, due to your "intracksidence"--
Leslie Knope: Not a word.
Councilman Jamm: We may never find out what happened. When this sick, depraved tweet first came to light, you said, "The account was probably hacked by some bored teenager." Now you're saying it's an unfortunate mistake. Why do you keep flip-flopping?
Leslie Knope: Well, because I learned new information. When I was four, I thought that chocolate milk came from brown cows, and then I flip-flopped when I found out that there was something called chocolate syrup.
Councilman Jamm: I don't think I'm out of line when I say that this scandal makes Benghazi look like whitewater!
Leslie Knope: It's utterly meaningless.

Quote from Fluoride

Leslie Knope: Next on the docket is a vote to approve the Pawnee-Eagleton reservoir merger.
Councilman Jamm: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We're just goosing our water supply with fluoride? I mean, come on. Are we really gonna force every Pawnee resident to ingest a chemical we know nothing about?
Councilman Milton: Fluoride is used by the communists to control our minds.
Leslie Knope: No, it's not.
Councilman Dexhart: Fluoride can control minds? Like, you can use it to make ladies do stuff?
Leslie Knope: How am I the one that is getting booted off of this city council?

Quote from Leslie and Ben

Councilman Jamm: Ow. You broke my tooth.
Leslie Knope: Well, good thing you're an orthodontist.
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, it is a good thing. You see my house? Five bathrooms.

Quote from Fluoride

Councilman Jamm: [on TV] Councilwoman Leslie Knope wants to put fluoride, which is a chemical, into your drinking water. You know what else is a chemical? Strychnine and cyanide.
Leslie Knope: What?
Perd Hapley: [on TV] And dirt... and rust and even broken glass.
Councilman Jamm: [on TV] Exactly. You definitely understand what chemicals are, Perd. I would suggest if you want to contact the psychopath that wants to turn your kids into bad-at-math, communist fluoride zombies, well, just call the number at the bottom of your screen.

Quote from How a Bill Becomes a Law

Leslie Knope: Jamm! What do you want? Support of one of your bills? Committee chairmanship?
Councilman Jamm: I want your toilet.
Leslie Knope: What?
Councilman Jamm: Your office, with the private bathroom?
Tom: He wants your office.
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, I don't mean to brag, but, uh, I've got Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Leslie Knope: This isn't even about policy? Absolutely not.
Tom: This is a no-brainer. Just make the trade, everyone's happy.
Leslie Knope: I'm not happy. He shoots down a very helpful bill 'cause he doesn't get to poop wherever he wants? No, I'm gonna get Councilman Milton, and you can put your butt back in your pants, sir.
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, well, love the hair!

Quote from How a Bill Becomes a Law

Councilman Milton: She tried to kiss me. She was insatiable.
Leslie Knope: Well, I don't know, maybe we should, you know, postpone the vote until the councilman gets better, you know?
Councilman Jamm: Uh, yeah, we're not postponing anything, okay? I'm pushing the vote through and it won't pass. Complimentary toothbrush? You're missing the backs of your upper canines. Sloppy technique.
Leslie Knope: Excuse me? I have excellent toothbrush technique.

Quote from How a Bill Becomes a Law

Councilman Howser: Next order of business, the Fun In The Sun Act, introduced by Councilwoman Knope.
Kids: [imitate porpoise noise]
Leslie Knope: Councilman, I move that the bill be read in its entirety. Ms. Beavers?
Ethel Beavers: Fine. Pawnee Municipal Code Amendment, 217-426...
Councilman Jamm: Buying time, I see. What's up?
Leslie Knope: You can have my office.
Councilman Jamm: Okay, why don't you, uh, why don't you sweeten the pot?
Leslie Knope: You can have my parking space.
Councilman Jamm: And?
Leslie Knope: And I will get Invisaligns from you.
Councilman Jamm: And?
Leslie Knope: And, that is enough. And shut up. And I hate you.
Councilman Jamm: We got a deal. Can't wait to drop my kids at the pool. By "kids," I mean turds.
Leslie Knope: I get it.

Quote from Leslie vs. April

Councilman Jamm: Councilman, Pawneeans, satisfied customers of Jamm Orthodontics, as we discuss what type of park to put on lot 48, I had a thought. How about no park? Who here thinks parks are stupid? Let the record show that everyone is raising their hands. I happen to know for a fact that Pawnee's favorite fast food restaurant, Paunch Burger, needs a new location. Now, seeing as how the future of lot 48 is open for debate, I move we sell it to Paunch Burger for a nice profit. You don't even have to be Asian to do math that simple.
April: You told me you wanted a dog park.
Councilman Jamm: Uh, psych.
April: That's not fair. You lied to me.
Councilman Jamm: You just got jammed.
Leslie Knope: Ugh, I hate when he says that.

Quote from Leslie vs. April

Councilman Jamm: Hey. What the hell is going on?
Leslie Knope: Oh, hello, Councilman. The dogs are here because there's no dog park in your neighborhood, and the kids are here because there's no human park in your area. They all needed a place to play.
Councilman Jamm: My front lawn?
April: That's right, and they're gonna keep using it until there's an actual park nearby.
Councilman Jamm: Hey, hey, lady, get that thing off my gnome. He is dry-humping my garden gnome. Stupid beast.
Leslie Knope: Councilman Jamm, we just need a little bit more time to design our park. And, if you plow through and ignore us, this is gonna be your life.
Councilman Jamm: I'll call the police.
Ann: Yeah, sic the police on a bunch of kids and puppies. That's a great photo op.
Councilman Jamm: Fine. Gentleman's agreement. In 90 days, we'll put our plans to a vote. Winner take all.
Leslie Knope: Deal.
Councilman Jamm: Great, now call off the actual dogs. I want these kids off my lawn. I want that hula hoop off my 'Vette. Right now.
Leslie Knope: Hey, Jamm. You just got Knoped. And Ludgated. And Perkinsed.
Councilman Jamm: Ha-ha. Nice try. It didn't work. You just got jammed.

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