Councilman Jamm: Oh, yeah, yeah. Beautiful, Tom. Beautiful. Dynamite gums.
Tom: Aw, thanks.
Councilman Jamm: Tom, do you want to know why I moved to Pawnee?
Tom: Sure.
Councilman Jamm: It's because the two leading industries here are corn syrup and rubber nipples. It is a dentistry jackpot. It's genius, right?
Tom: Well, D.D.S. doesn't stand for "dumb, dumb, stupid."
Councilman Jamm: [laughs] I like that. I'm going to steal it. That's mine now.

Councilman Jamm: All right, let's begin. These hearings have two goals. One, to find out exactly how this offensive tweet came to be sent. And two, to turn this whole thing into a media circus. Ms. Knope, do you have a statement?
Leslie Knope: Well, it's actually quite simple. Uh, a Parks and Rec employee forgot to log out of the Parks and Rec Twitter account, and they posted a personal, private message by accident, and, uh, that person is very sorry, and it won't happen again.
Councilman Jamm: Stop stonewalling and tell us what happened here!
Leslie Knope: I just told you what happened. It was an unfortunate mistake.

Councilman Jamm: Okay, sadly, due to your "intracksidence"--
Leslie Knope: Not a word.
Councilman Jamm: We may never find out what happened. When this sick, depraved tweet first came to light, you said, "The account was probably hacked by some bored teenager." Now you're saying it's an unfortunate mistake. Why do you keep flip-flopping?
Leslie Knope: Well, because I learned new information. When I was four, I thought that chocolate milk came from brown cows, and then I flip-flopped when I found out that there was something called chocolate syrup.
Councilman Jamm: I don't think I'm out of line when I say that this scandal makes Benghazi look like whitewater!
Leslie Knope: It's utterly meaningless.

Leslie Knope: Next on the docket is a vote to approve the Pawnee-Eagleton reservoir merger.
Councilman Jamm: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. We're just goosing our water supply with fluoride? I mean, come on. Are we really gonna force every Pawnee resident to ingest a chemical we know nothing about?
Councilman Milton: Fluoride is used by the communists to control our minds.
Leslie Knope: No, it's not.
Councilman Dexhart: Fluoride can control minds? Like, you can use it to make ladies do stuff?
Leslie Knope: How am I the one that is getting booted off of this city council?

Councilman Jamm: Ow. You broke my tooth.
Leslie Knope: Well, good thing you're an orthodontist.
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, it is a good thing. You see my house? Five bathrooms.

Leslie Knope: Oh, this is the coolest part ever. I have my own private bathroom.
Councilman Jamm: Occupied!
Leslie Knope: Oh my God.
Ben: [on video chat] Ugh.
Leslie Knope: Councilman Jamm. What are you doing in my bathroom?
Councilman Jamm: I don't known if i would call it your bathroom.
Leslie Knope: Its only door is in my office.
Councilman Jamm: I think it is crazy that the most junior city councilor gets a private bathroom just because she is a girl.
Leslie Knope: Excuse me?
Councilman Jamm: Let's solve this. Tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to drop my liquids in here, take my solids down the hall. Deal?
Leslie Knope: No. No deal.
Councilman Jamm: Fine. Your loss.
Leslie Knope: How?

Councilman Howser: Next order of business, the Fun In The Sun Act, introduced by Councilwoman Knope.
Kids: [imitate porpoise noise]
Leslie Knope: Councilman, I move that the bill be read in its entirety. Ms. Beavers?
Ethel Beavers: Fine. Pawnee Municipal Code Amendment, 217-426...
Councilman Jamm: Buying time, I see. What's up?
Leslie Knope: You can have my office.
Councilman Jamm: Okay, why don't you, uh, why don't you sweeten the pot?
Leslie Knope: You can have my parking space.
Councilman Jamm: And?
Leslie Knope: And I will get Invisaligns from you.
Councilman Jamm: And?
Leslie Knope: And, that is enough. And shut up. And I hate you.
Councilman Jamm: We got a deal. Can't wait to drop my kids at the pool. By "kids," I mean turds.
Leslie Knope: I get it.

Councilman Jamm: [on TV] Councilwoman Leslie Knope wants to put fluoride, which is a chemical, into your drinking water. You know what else is a chemical? Strychnine and cyanide.
Leslie Knope: What?
Perd Hapley: [on TV] And dirt... and rust and even broken glass.
Councilman Jamm: [on TV] Exactly. You definitely understand what chemicals are, Perd. I would suggest if you want to contact the psychopath that wants to turn your kids into bad-at-math, communist fluoride zombies, well, just call the number at the bottom of your screen.

Leslie Knope: Jamm! What do you want? Support of one of your bills? Committee chairmanship?
Councilman Jamm: I want your toilet.
Leslie Knope: What?
Councilman Jamm: Your office, with the private bathroom?
Tom: He wants your office.
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, I don't mean to brag, but, uh, I've got Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Leslie Knope: This isn't even about policy? Absolutely not.
Tom: This is a no-brainer. Just make the trade, everyone's happy.
Leslie Knope: I'm not happy. He shoots down a very helpful bill 'cause he doesn't get to poop wherever he wants? No, I'm gonna get Councilman Milton, and you can put your butt back in your pants, sir.
Councilman Jamm: Yeah, well, love the hair!

Councilman Milton: She tried to kiss me. She was insatiable.
Leslie Knope: Well, I don't know, maybe we should, you know, postpone the vote until the councilman gets better, you know?
Councilman Jamm: Uh, yeah, we're not postponing anything, okay? I'm pushing the vote through and it won't pass. Complimentary toothbrush? You're missing the backs of your upper canines. Sloppy technique.
Leslie Knope: Excuse me? I have excellent toothbrush technique.