Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I just want this dinner party to go well. There are very few things I've asked for in this world. To build a new park from scratch. To eventually become president. And to one day solve a murder on a train. I think it's fair to add this to the list.

Justin: God, India is so amazing. Let me tell you something. That is my absolute favorite place to travel. Where did you say your parents were from?
Tom: Um, the south part.
Leslie Knope: The southern part's always the best part of anything.
Justin: Have you ever been to the Kaniman Mosque, down in Tamil Nadu?
Tom: Are you kidding? My uncle practically runs the place. I've prayed there. It's sick.
Justin: Tell me everything, right now.
Tom: One sec, I just got to hit the loo, as those bastard British lmperialists would say.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: The last time I was in India, I was eight years old and I stayed inside the whole time playing video games. I got to bone up. Fourth largest coal reserves in the world.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] When it comes to government hearings, the only type of witness I enjoy being is a hostile one. That's why I intend to answer every one of their questions with a question.
[later:]
Phil: Were you aware that all of the entertainment and food was provided by rec center teachers?
Ron Swanson: Would I have stayed if I knew that?
Phil: I don't know, would you have?
Ron Swanson: Would you have?
Phil: No. I wouldn't have. Did you hear Leslie make any promises?
Ron Swanson: What constitutes a promise?
Phil: A quid pro quo.
Ron Swanson: Oh. Do you know Latin?
Phil: Okay. Thank you, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Are we done?

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Nobody's more upset about this than me. I've been taking these rec center classes since I was in high school. It's where I learned hair braiding, and how to make biscuits, and French kissing. The French kissing was just from a boy in my biscuits class, but either way, lesson learned.

Tom: Shake my hand.
April: Why?
Tom: I can't tell if I've exfoliated too much. I don't want to creep Justin out. I want him to respect my handshake.
April: Why do you care about him?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Justin is hip. Pawnee is the opposite of hip. People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana. I don't have the heart to tell them what's going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994.

Leslie Knope: Welcome to my house, for the very first time.
Ann: I know! I can't believe you've never had me over. Now, I can believe it.
Leslie Knope: I know, I know. It's a little messy. But I have a system. So, I just need you to help me put the finishing touches on everything.
Ann: This newspaper's from November, 1986.
Leslie Knope: Oh, the first rumblings of Iran-Contra! Don't throw that out!
[aside to camera:]
Ann: I think I need to call Child Services and have Leslie taken away from herself.

Justin: How are you? Justin.
April: I have the swine flu.
Justin: Oh...
Leslie Knope: No, she doesn't.

Ron Swanson: How many courses will there be?
Leslie Knope: Three.
Ron Swanson: Hmm...
Leslie Knope: Four.
Ron Swanson: Mmm.
Leslie Knope: Not including dessert.
Ron Swanson:So, five courses.
Leslie Knope: Yes. Now, it will be five courses.
Ron Swanson: If I wanted to bring a large number of deviled eggs, but I didn't want to share them with anyone else, can you guarantee fridge space?
Leslie Knope: Just be there at 8:00.

Leslie Knope: And it's because of you, our teachers, that every one of these recreation classes in this catalog shines like a jewel in Pawnee's beautiful crown. Unfortunately, due to budget constraints, this year we will have to remove five jewels from that crown.
Woman: Excuse me? Are you cutting our classes?
Leslie Knope: Yeah. The city took away $1,000 from our budget. So, I'm very sorry.
Man: How will you decide which classes to cut?
Leslie Knope: By attendance and student evaluations. So, just make sure your students leave with a smile.
Man: My class is called "Coping with Terminal Illness."
Leslie Knope: Hopefully your attendance is good! Actually, no, hopefully it's bad.

Mark: So my face is literally on fire, but it's this weird chemical, so no one can see the flames. I'm dancing around, freaking out. I end up having to dunk my face into a bucket of sand.
Justin: Unreal!
Leslie Knope: Unreal!
Justin: Oh, my God, that is unbelievable.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, that's... Isn't it, Ann? Unbelievable.
[aside to camera:]
Mark: Didn't happen to me. It was a kid I knew from camp. But a great story's a great story. Well, plus, the kid can't tell it, his mouth melted.