Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Leslie's House’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Leslie's House

214. Leslie's House

Aired January 21, 2010

After Justin treats Leslie to a brilliant date in Indianapolis, she promises him an amazing date back in Pawnee. As she tries to make the dinner date perfect, she calls upon the help of the rec center teachers whose classes are about to close due to budget cuts.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I just want this dinner party to go well. There are very few things I've asked for in this world. To build a new park from scratch. To eventually become president. And to one day solve a murder on a train. I think it's fair to add this to the list.

Rate

Quote from Tom

Justin: God, India is so amazing. Let me tell you something. That is my absolute favorite place to travel. Where did you say your parents were from?
Tom: Um, the south part.
Leslie Knope: The southern part's always the best part of anything.
Justin: Have you ever been to the Kaniman Mosque, down in Tamil Nadu?
Tom: Are you kidding? My uncle practically runs the place. I've prayed there. It's sick.
Justin: Tell me everything, right now.
Tom: One sec, I just got to hit the loo, as those bastard British lmperialists would say.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: The last time I was in India, I was eight years old and I stayed inside the whole time playing video games. I got to bone up. Fourth largest coal reserves in the world.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] When it comes to government hearings, the only type of witness I enjoy being is a hostile one. That's why I intend to answer every one of their questions with a question.
[later:]
Phil: Were you aware that all of the entertainment and food was provided by rec center teachers?
Ron Swanson: Would I have stayed if I knew that?
Phil: I don't know, would you have?
Ron Swanson: Would you have?
Phil: No. I wouldn't have. Did you hear Leslie make any promises?
Ron Swanson: What constitutes a promise?
Phil: A quid pro quo.
Ron Swanson: Oh. Do you know Latin?
Phil: Okay. Thank you, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Are we done?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Nobody's more upset about this than me. I've been taking these rec center classes since I was in high school. It's where I learned hair braiding, and how to make biscuits, and French kissing. The French kissing was just from a boy in my biscuits class, but either way, lesson learned.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Shake my hand.
April: Why?
Tom: I can't tell if I've exfoliated too much. I don't want to creep Justin out. I want him to respect my handshake.
April: Why do you care about him?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Justin is hip. Pawnee is the opposite of hip. People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana. I don't have the heart to tell them what's going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Welcome to my house, for the very first time.
Ann: I know! I can't believe you've never had me over. Now, I can believe it.
Leslie Knope: I know, I know. It's a little messy. But I have a system. So, I just need you to help me put the finishing touches on everything.
Ann: This newspaper's from November, 1986.
Leslie Knope: Oh, the first rumblings of Iran-Contra! Don't throw that out!
[aside to camera:]
Ann: I think I need to call Child Services and have Leslie taken away from herself.

Quote from April

Justin: How are you? Justin.
April: I have the swine flu.
Justin: Oh...
Leslie Knope: No, she doesn't.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: And it's because of you, our teachers, that every one of these recreation classes in this catalog shines like a jewel in Pawnee's beautiful crown. Unfortunately, due to budget constraints, this year we will have to remove five jewels from that crown.
Woman: Excuse me? Are you cutting our classes?
Leslie Knope: Yeah. The city took away $1,000 from our budget. So, I'm very sorry.
Man: How will you decide which classes to cut?
Leslie Knope: By attendance and student evaluations. So, just make sure your students leave with a smile.
Man: My class is called "Coping with Terminal Illness."
Leslie Knope: Hopefully your attendance is good! Actually, no, hopefully it's bad.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: How many courses will there be?
Leslie Knope: Three.
Ron Swanson: Hmm...
Leslie Knope: Four.
Ron Swanson: Mmm.
Leslie Knope: Not including dessert.
Ron Swanson:So, five courses.
Leslie Knope: Yes. Now, it will be five courses.
Ron Swanson: If I wanted to bring a large number of deviled eggs, but I didn't want to share them with anyone else, can you guarantee fridge space?
Leslie Knope: Just be there at 8:00.

Quote from Mark

Mark: So my face is literally on fire, but it's this weird chemical, so no one can see the flames. I'm dancing around, freaking out. I end up having to dunk my face into a bucket of sand.
Justin: Unreal!
Leslie Knope: Unreal!
Justin: Oh, my God, that is unbelievable.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, that's... Isn't it, Ann? Unbelievable.
[aside to camera:]
Mark: Didn't happen to me. It was a kid I knew from camp. But a great story's a great story. Well, plus, the kid can't tell it, his mouth melted.

Quote from Tom

Tom: What the hell are you doing? How could you invite Wendy when Ron's here? He's gonna wrap her up in his mustache and take her home.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: This is something, Justin. Derek and Ben are gay, but often, on occasion, April will have relations with Derek. Right? Crazy stuff. Discuss that.
April: There's not much more to discuss. You kind of explained it all.
Leslie Knope: Who else is gay?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] It's weird, but she just showed up. I mean, I'm not the kind of person that's gonna throw someone out, or, you know, not let them in if they randomly show up. I don't know how they all got here. You know, people hear about a killer party at Knope's house, they all come running.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: You turned yourself in? Why?
Leslie Knope: Well, I did something wrong, and I felt bad. So, this morning I donated $1,000 to the rec center, so everybody could keep teaching their classes.
Ann: Okay, so why did you ask for the hearing?
Leslie Knope: Are you kidding, Ann? It's every girl's dream to ask a dude how their date went under penalty of perjury.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I'm not proud of my actions. But the most important thing is, there is now an official government document that proves my dinner party kicked ass.


 Episode 213 Episode 215 
  Select another episode