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‘A Parks and Recreation Special’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: A Parks and Recreation Special

714. A Parks and Recreation Special

Aired April 30, 2020

A Parks and Recreation special in support of Feeding America. Leslie checks in with all her friends, in a socially-distant way, during the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Perd Hapley: Welcome to "Ya' Heard? With Perd". I'm Perd Hapley, the Perd I mentioned a second ago when I was telling you the name of my show. Now, here today are two people who are also my guests. Leslie Knope from the Department of the Interior and Congressman Ben Wyatt.
Leslie Knope: Hi, Perd.
Ben: Hey, Perd. How are you?
Perd Hapley: I guess my first question is more of a query. What did you want to talk about?

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Quote from Perd Hapley

Perd Hapley: You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen. And the "it" that you heard was the things that these people just said. Now, a word from our sponsors.

Quote from Chris

Ann: I'm just helping with out-patient care. Gotta do what we can. Chris is donating blood four times a week.
Andy: Oh, good for you, man. [lock clattering] Who are you giving it to? Just kind of... whoever wants it? "Trade with the Postmates guy" kinda thing?
Ann: I used to date that guy.
Chris: Oh, no! Andy. The CDC asked me to donate because I am extremely healthy. My red blood cells are so big, you can see them with the naked eye. They're like cherry Froot Loops! And my blood type is just positive.
Ann: They've designated him a super-healer. So far, it's just Megan Rapinoe, him, and a panther at the Miami zoo.

Quote from Andy

Leslie Knope: What's going on here? Oh, my God, oh, my God! It finally happened!
Ron Swanson: Leslie, you said you needed something to lift your spirits, so Andrew... take it away.
Andy: [plays guitar] Up in horsey heaven Here's the thing
Ben: Every time with this song.
Ron Swanson: Wyatt!
Ben: [holds up phone as a lighter] Here we go.
Andy: Trade your legs for angel's wings Once we go all said good-bye
Ben: This is a long song.
Tom: Shut up, Ben!
Andy: You take a runnin' leap and you learn To fly
All: Bye-bye little Sebastian Miss you in the saddest fashion Bye-bye, little Sebastian You're 5,000 candles in the wind
Ben: I'm gonna run out my entire battery.
Jerry: [sighs]
Ron Swanson: Though we all miss you every day
Ann: We know you're up there eatin' Heaven's hay
Jerry: And here's the part that hurts The most
Donna: Humans cannot ride A ghost
Andy: Everybody sing it now!
All: Bye-bye, little Sebastian I miss you in the saddest fashion Bye-bye Little Sebastian You're 5,000 candles In the wind
Andy: Maybe some day we'll saddle up again I know I'll always miss My horsiest friend
Leslie & Andy: Spread your wings and fly Spread your wings and fly [all whoop, cheering]

Quote from Ron Swanson

[On Ron's video chat, the ID is blocked and he has "Unknown Gryzzl Points"]
Ron Swanson: Hello, Leslie. I see you are contacting me again.
Leslie Knope: This is the system, Ron. 7:00 p.m. phone tree. I call someone, and then they call someone else, and we keep doing it until everyone has been reached. This is the system. You got a better system?
Ron Swanson: Yes. We talk far less than that. Or we just send each other a photo of ourselves holding up today's newspaper to prove we're okay.
Leslie Knope: It's impossible to get everyone on the phone at the same time, you know? And talking is important, Ron. We have to look out for our mental and emotional health.
Ron Swanson: This is the only mental health I need. [holds up bottle of Lagavulin]
Leslie Knope: What are you doing? Are you in your cabin?
Ron Swanson: I am. I come up here to hunt meat so I don't have to go to the grocery store. I've built up about a 12-year supply of venison jerky. I can ship you some. You'd probably have to get your incisor teeth sharpened.
Leslie Knope: Ew. No. When you travel, are you practicing social distancing?
Ron Swanson: I've been practicing social distancing since I was four years old.

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: Hello, Congressman.
Ben: Hey, babe. How are you?
Leslie Knope: How are you is the question? I know that shirt and it worries me.
Ben: The most incredible thing happened. Okay, so today I'm cleaning the house. I get dizzy from the cleaning supplies. And then, I home-schooled the kids but they don't learn anything because of the dizziness. But then, I had the most amazing idea. Do you remember this guy? [holds up claymation figure]
Leslie Knope: Oh, no.
Ben: Ahh. But here's the twist. Do you also remember this? [holds up Cones of Dunshire board game]
Leslie Knope: Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no, no.
Ben: Six words, babe. "Cones of Dunshire..." the claymation movie. The entire story just popped into my head. This humble little nobody living his life, walking around on a random Tuesday. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. When suddenly, he finds out from an ancient scroll, that he is actually... The Ledgerman.
Leslie Knope: Honey, did you put all the caps back on the cleaning supplies?
Ben: Now, the title is either "Cones of Dunshire: The Ledgerman's Ascent", or, of course, "Cones of Dunshire: The Curse of the Arbiter's Prophecy".
Leslie Knope: Okay, honey. I'm gonna be here at work for a while. I have to start the phone tree, and then I will be home. Just hang in there. Keep it together.
Ben: Yeah, yeah, yeah. No... take your time. I'm just gonna start writing a story... [disconnect chime]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: Why are you at work?
Leslie Knope: Well, I shut down every national park in my jurisdiction. Sad but necessary. And then I volunteered for several committees to help us get through this.
Ron Swanson: Did you also create those committees?
Leslie Knope: I did! So many committees, Ron. I'm chairing all of them. It's every girl's dream. But, you know, between that and the kids, I've only been getting two hours of sleep instead of my usual four. This morning, I put oatmeal on my fingernails because I thought it was nail polish.

Quote from April

[On April's video chat, she is listed as "Satan's Niece"]
Ron Swanson: What are you wearing?
April: Andy and I put all of our stuff in garbage bags, and every day I put on the first five random things I pull out.

Quote from Andy

Ron Swanson: Where's Andy?
April: [shouts] Andy! Ron's on!
Andy: [connect chime] Hey, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Where are you, son? Why are you in another room? Are you quarantining?
Andy: No... Well, kinda. I locked myself in the shed. I can't get out.
Ron Swanson: Why doesn't April let you out?
Andy: Oh, Ron. Burt Macklin, FBI, does not need anyone to help him escape a measly shed.
Ron Swanson: How long have you been in there?
Andy: Two days. I'm pretty hungry.

Quote from Chris

Chris: April Ludgate! Andy Dwyer!
Ann: Hi, guys.
Chris: Ann Perkins, my beautiful wife.
April: Hi.
Andy: Why are you guys not together? Chris? Did you lock yourself in the shed? Probably? I think that's pretty common these days.
Chris: Actually, Andy, as I've explained to you several times, Ann has gone back to work as a nurse. So out of an abundance of caution, she is isolating in the southeast part of the house while the kids and I are in the northwest, AKA the living room. [shouts] Hi, honey!
Ann: [shouts] Hi, babe!

Quote from Ann

Leslie Knope: Hey. How are you?
Ann: I'm okay. You know? Chris has been a real trooper. He's working from home, and he's doing everything with the kids.
Leslie Knope: How is he exercising?
Ann: Well, we did have a Stairmaster but he's been working out so much that now it's just a smooth ramp.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [connect chime] Hello. Or should I say, "Selamat pagi!", as they say here in Bali?
Ann: The hell?
Leslie Knope: His book tour got cancelled, and it was supposed to end with a trip to Bali for him and Lucy.
Ann: How are you, Tom? I haven't gotten you on the phone tree for like a week.
Tom: Amazing. Just, uh, blitzing some entrepreneurial ideas. What do you think about this? Double-breasted pajamas.
Ann: No.
Tom: Protective masks with other people's teeth printed on them. Stay safe and look fresh as hell with Timothée Chalamet's smile?
Ann: That's just weird.
Tom: Teeny tiny iPads for each finger?
Leslie Knope: Dumb.
Tom: Lasagna... that's also toilet paper? [Ann sighs] Yeah, I might be going a little stir-crazy. Some of these came to me during my 11:00 p.m. nap. Isn't it weird time has no meaning anymore? Ooh. Is that something? A clock with dials that just move randomly?

Quote from Tom

Tom: So, how's it going? How's Joe?
Donna: I'm good. Joe's good. School is all online now, so he's teaching from home. Tom, have you ever witnessed someone trying to teach a group of young children something?
Tom: Nope. Based on my experiences playing Fortnite, children are terrifying and make you cry almost immediately.

Quote from Donna

Donna: It's terrible. The man is a saint. The job is impossible. And every teacher deserves a brand-new Mercedes after all this. Except for Joe, of course, 'cause you know I already got him a Mercedes.
Tom: Oh, damn. Does it match yours?
Donna: What you think? Clink.

Quote from Jerry

Donna: So what's new, Mayor Gergich? How's Pawnee doing?
Jerry: Uh, well, not bad. But I will tell you, some people really fought me when I had to cancel the Annual Pawnee Popsicle Lick 'N Pass.
Leslie Knope: Very weird tradition. Why did we ever do that?
Jerry: Hold on a second. I got some frosting in my ear thing.
[After Jerry rubs his phone, he accidentally enables a filter which adds dog ears and mouth to his frame]
Jerry: Okay.
Donna: Garry, you're a dog.
Jerry: Oh, well. Gayle has called me that a few times over the years.
Leslie Knope: Ew, no. Stop. She means that you're literally a dog. You put a dog filter on your head.
Jerry: Oh, shoot. Okay, hold on. Um, yeah. Just turn that off. [Jerry now has a clown filter] Mm-kay. Is that better?
Donna: I mean, you can see the screen too, right? That's clearly not better.
Jerry: [sighs] Geez Louise.

Quote from Joan Callamezzo

Joan Callamezzo: Welcome to "At Home With Joan". I'm your host, Joan Callamezzo. Today's guests are former Pawnee City Councilwoman and current Deputy Director of the Department of the Interior, Leslie Knope.
Leslie Knope: Hi, Joan.
Joan Callamezzo: And her houseboy, Ben Wyatt.
Ben: Um, I'm actually a member of the House of Representatives, a Congressman.
Joan Callamezzo: Whatever sex fantasy works for you two. I'm not here to judge.

Quote from Joan Callamezzo

Ben: So, Joan, during this tough time, we just wanna make sure that people in Pawnee and across Indiana are making use of every available resource for support.
Joan Callamezzo: I agree with that. Times like these remind me of why I got into news. People need a voice that they can trust. [sings] Especially One with the voice of an angel A legend among icons.

Quote from Joan Callamezzo

Ben: Uh, Leslie and I just wanna make sure that people are focusing on their mental health as well as their physical health.
Leslie Knope: Especially those who live alone. People who've spent a lot of time on their own without human contact. Do you have someone you can talk to, Joan?
Joan Callamezzo: Yes. A few years ago, I accused Jennifer Lopez of stealing my look, and I got into quite a back and forth with her attorney.
Leslie Knope: No. Friends, Joan.
Joan Callamezzo: Look around. I'm surrounded by friends. Every night, I do a show for them called "Joan on Joan for Joan". I recount legendary Joan Callamezzo moments like how I scored my EGOT.
Ben: You have an EGOT?
Joan Callamezzo: Yes. I've been banned from all four ceremonies. [jazzy music plays] That's it for today. The show is two minutes long now. All right. Bye.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Perd Hapley: And we are back. Now, I understand you brought another guest who is someone who is not either of you.
Leslie Knope: That's right, Perd. Someone who used to be a very popular children's performer in Pawnee.
Andy: Jaaa, Johnny Karate! Whaa! Haaah!

Quote from Andy

Leslie Knope: We asked Johnny to come on your show and speak to the children of Pawnee.
Andy: Chuuh. That's right, children. Listen, I know things are weird now. You're at home. You... miss school. Ha! How strange is that? You actually miss school. Your parents are home as well, and they're trying to teach you and it turns out they can't teach you jack because they are so dumb. Well, kids, Johnny Karate wants you to know you must stay strong and be nice to your parents. Also... chh, chh... these... wash them. Wash your hands. And I know what you're thinkin'. I'm a 38-year-old man, and I've literally never once washed my hands in my entire life.
Leslie Knope: Andy, have you never washed your hands before?
Andy: Point is, if we pull together, you and I can karate... chop... this... virus! Whhhh!
[title: "Note: the virus cannot be karata-chopped"]
Andy: Things will go back to normal. They just have to, and... it might not be today. It might not be tomorrow. It might not be next week. Might not be a year or a hundred years or a thousand years. It might never happen.
Ben: Dude.
Andy: But it will eventually. Boys, girls, this is Johnny Karate signing out. Chhha! Waai-chi-iii! [groans] Ohh... Oh, when I did the kick, I pulled something kinda...
Leslie Knope: Johnny, we can still see you.
Andy: Oh, right in my butthole.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Perd Hapley: Thank you, Johnny Karate for that very inspiring and confusing message. I am now gonna close this little box that you're in and look at some funny photos of doggies.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [out of frame] What?
Leslie Knope: Ron? Where are you? I can't see you.
Ron Swanson: Good evening, Leslie.
Leslie Knope: Wow, you're really taking that protective gear suggestion to heart.
Ron Swanson: We're just dealing with a little bit of an incident. Earlier this evening, Diane and I took a hike in the woods to take in the sunset from atop a nearby crest.
Leslie Knope: Okay. That sounds nice.
Ron Swanson: It was. Unfortunately, upon our return, we discovered that a particularly nasty little forest varmint had broken into the cabin.
Leslie Knope: What?!
Tammy Two: Hi, Leslie.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: In any case, I subdued her rather easily and Diane tied her to this chair. We were in the middle of sterilizing the place with bleach when you called.
Leslie Knope: What are you gonna do with her?
Ron Swanson: I'll probably put a note around her neck and leave her down at the fire station.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Thank you very much for doing this for me, Ron.
Ron Swanson: It was easy. I just called all your friends and told them I thought you needed a little help. They cleared their schedules.
Leslie Knope: I miss you very much, and I love you. Now, go take Tammy to the fire station.
Ron Swanson: We actually just covered her in deer fat and left her out for the wolves.
Leslie Knope: Ron!
Ron Swanson: Don't worry. She's fine. She chewed through her ropes and went running off into the night. I'm actually a little worried for the wolves.


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