Andy: [on the phone] Well, I'd have to check but I'm pretty sure we can handle that. I do have... one question. [sneezes repeatedly without covering his face] Hold up.
Leslie Knope: Oh my God! Andy!
Andy: Sorry.
Leslie Knope: Andy! Are you getting sick? It's flu season again! I cannot get sick. Stock up on Kleenex. Don't touch your face. Don't touch anything. People are dropping like flies. We already had to quarantine Larry.
Jerry: Leslie, I don't feel good. Can't I just work from home?
Leslie Knope: The tent is your home now, Larry. We already forwarded your mail.

Dana: Some of our blueberry wine?
Ron Swanson: We make it right here at the vineyard. I don't drink alcohol from that portion of the color spectrum.
Ben: [drinks] Hey! Whew! Whoa. That's strong. Holy hell. That's a lot of alcohol.
Ron Swanson: We will take four bottles, please and thank you.

Andy: Well, I guess while you get your medicine, I'll just stroll through the candy aisles but won't get any.
Leslie Knope: You can buy two candies.
Andy: Two!
Kitty: Can I help you?
Leslie Knope: I have the flu. Super nauseated for a few days, a lot of barfing. It's a total disaster. Plus I have a ton of work to do, so I need the good stuff, the "Mariah needs to sing tonight" stuff.

April: I'm getting notes of dried robin's blood, old dirty cashews, and just a hint of a robot's bathwater.

Leslie Knope: How are we gonna convince this guy to reunite Land Ho?
Andy: Same way I got a perfect score on the S.A.T.s, broken Scantron machine.

Craig: Well, good night, everyone. I'm going to go home and feel totally fine. Who am I kidding? I'm going to go home, put on a Macy Gray album, and cry in the mirror!
Donna: Why are you bummed?
Craig: Are you all blind? I want that job at Tom's Bistro.
Tom: Look, man, you know your stuff, but you're like a crazy volcano. You'd have to show me you can bring it down a notch.
Craig: I'll bring it down 1,000 notches if I have to!

Xander Truffant: Ah, Mr. Haverford, allow me to introduce Terrence Montreaux. He is a restaurateur like yourself.
Tom: You own a restaurant too?
Terrence Montreaux: No, monsieur. I own 12. I am here to find the best sommeliers as soon as they are... how you say, um, "certified."
Tom: That was my idea.
Terrence Montreaux: That is everyone's idea. That is why we have this, how you say... "thing."
Tom: Okay, don't act like you don't know the word "thing."

Ben: Oh, man. This wine bottle is all out of the wine.
Ron Dunne: Well, hello, gentlemen. What brings you out on this fine evening?
Ron Swanson: Mother[bleep].
Ben: Whoa. Where'd you come from?
Ron Dunne: Uh, that's a complicated question. All depends on whether your conception of time is linear or circular.
Ben: What?

Ron Dunne: Hello, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Ron.
Ben: You know this hobo?
Ron Swanson: He was my counterpart from the Eagleton Parks Department.
Ben: Dude, are you a ghost?
Ron Dunne: Am I?
Ben: What is happening right now?

Andy: You know, Leslie, sometimes life throws us crazy curves, and, yes, this moment may be the biggest curve you've ever had to deal with, but just because your family is getting bigger does not mean that you can't handle it. You and Ben can handle anything.
Leslie Knope: Wow. Andy, thank you. That's exactly what I needed to hear right now. God, it's so weird that you know that I'm pregnant before Ben does--
Andy: Pregnant? Holy crap. Leslie!
Leslie Knope: Yeah. Well, what did you think?
Andy: I thought you were getting a dog.
Leslie Knope: Well, why did you go like this?
Andy: That's the sign for petting a dog that's sitting on your lap. But pregnant? Wow. Oh, that's amazing.