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‘Meet n Greet’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Meet n Greet

405. Meet n Greet

Aired October 27, 2011

Leslie is upset when Tom uses a networking event for her to meet local business people to promote his entertainment company. Andy and April throw a Halloween party without consulting with Ben. At the party, Ron and Ann do some home improvement work together.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Well, maybe we should get out of this hot tub.
Tom: I'm too sad to get out. And I'm all pruney.
Leslie Knope: What happened?
Tom: I don't know. I guess I just didn't moisturize enough this morning, and I've been laying around--
Leslie Knope: With the company.
Tom: We're hemorrhaging cash ever since we opened. They say you've got to spend money to make money. Well, I don't know where we went wrong. We spent all of our money.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Andy: Hey, Ron. Good to see you. Weren't you a pirate last year?
Ron Swanson: Yes. This is my Halloween costume. Andrew, are you aware that your bathroom faucet is leaking?
Andy: Are you kidding me? I just stuffed a sock in it yesterday. What else do they want me to do?
Ron Swanson: There's an exposed wire above the bathtub as well.
Andy: Oh, yeah, shockwire! I call it that 'cause if you take a shower and you touch the wire... You die!
Ron Swanson: Yes, that is accurate. Do you have a toolbox?
Andy: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and Andy's. A hammer. Half of a pretzel. Baseball card. Some cartridge that says "Sonic" and "Hedgehog." A scissor half. And a flashlight... Filled with jellybeans.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Although I've not worked with you professionally, as a private citizen, I have personally patronized each and every one of your establishments.
Tania: Mm, I've never seen you buy a salad at Sue's Salads.
Leslie Knope: That's 'cause I don't hate myself, Tanya. I'm sorry. I know I should be chasing your vote, but I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things. And I think I have a lot of support in the community for that.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Despite the fact that this seems like a party for Tom's face, uh, I think it's going pretty well. When in doubt, in Pawnee, slam salad.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Look, I don't like to throw around the word "butthead" too often. If you call everybody a butthead, then it kind of loses its impact. But I can say without hesitation that Tom is being a real dick.

Quote from April

April: [aside to camera] I have one sister. We steal each other's stuff, hack each other's Twitter accounts, set each other's clothes on fire. There are no rules.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Wow, I thought you guys were doing great. I remember trying to hire you once. And you said you were all booked up.
Tom: That was a business tactic. For the first two weeks, we told everyone we were booked solid to make people want us more.
Leslie Knope: Oh, no, that's the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
Tom: Well, hindsight is 20/20.
Leslie Knope: Kind of seems like regular sight should have caught that one. Also, your logo, it's the worst logo I've ever seen. It doesn't make any sense. It's gibberish.

Quote from Ann

Ron Swanson: Listen up! I have to turn off the power for one minute.
Ann: We're gonna go dark, people. Bear with us, okay? We gotta switch off the main fuse hose.
Ron Swanson: It's just a fuse.
Ann: It's just a fuse...People. Just a fuse.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Tom, tell Martin how hard I worked on the Harvest Festival.
Tom: It was incredible. A lot of people say the Harvest Festival is what launched Entertainment 7Twenty.
Leslie Knope: No one says that.
Tom: I just said it. My company, Entertainment 7Twenty, has an amazing business opportunity for Kernston's. Mind if I steal you away for a few seconds? Give you the 'tails?
Martin Kernston: The 'tails?
Tom: The details. Most people would probably say "the deets." I say "the 'tails." Just one example of innovation.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] When you work in government, people often suspect that you're anti-business. So I'm throwing a little meet-and-greet "Hi, I'm Leslie Knope, and I'm in the business of being city councilor."
Tom: Oh, my God.
Leslie Knope: I'm not going to use that.

Quote from Ben

Ben: [aside to camera] My family is very non-confrontational. My parents' method of problem-solving is to kind of keep everything bottled up and just subtly hint at what's bothering them. And after 36 years, they are still... divorced.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Andy! You are UFC legend Chuck Liddell.
Andy: That's right.
Chris: Girl from The Ring.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: To me, Sherlock Holmes is literally the greatest character in the Western canon. Smart, intuitive, handsome. Replace his pasty British frailty with superhuman physical fitness, and you get... Sherlock Traeger.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Mister Potato head.
Jerry: That's right. [laughs] Hey, where's my lovely daughter tonight?
Chris: She's at home. I knew that you would be here. And I was worried that you might be concerned, seeing us together at night.
Jerry: You're a very thoughtful guy. But really, I have no problem with the two of you dating. R-really, I mean, look at you. You're just, you know, beautiful.
Chris: You're beautiful. On the inside where your spirit lives.
Jerry: Listen, tell her come to the party and I don't mind at all.
Chris: Oh, good, I'll text her. [keeps looking at Jerry]
Jerry: Okay, you can text without looking at your phone?
Chris: I think it's rude not to maintain eye contact with people that I'm talking to.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hey! You stole the nipple king. Thanks a lot, traitor.
Tom: I'm sorry, I just needed to ask him about this one thing, but we're all good now. Wh-what if I just introduce you for your speech?
Leslie Knope: I have a better idea. Why don't you go over to one of your rugs and sit on your own face? I don't need your "help" anymore.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Sales Associate: Hi there. Is there a project you're working on?
Ron Swanson: I know more than you.
Sales Associate: All right.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: When April and Andy married, I didn't get them a wedding present. In my experience, wedding presents are nothing more than kindling on a divorce bonfire. But I think I found a way I can really help them make a home.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Pawnee has suffered through a tough economy. And what has kept our town alive is you, the small businessman. And I'm not referring to your stature, Gary. You are a giant in this community. So many business represented here today. Food and Stuff, JJ's Diner, Glenmore Discount Cemetery, uh, Tramp Stamp Tattoos, Enormous Kenny's Fried Dough Stand and Mobile Phone Emporium. Who else? Sue's Salads. [audience murmurs] Smooth Operator Bikini Waxes. Jeff's Savings and Loan...
Tom: And Entertainment 7Twenty. [loud rock music plays] Thank you so much for that amazing intro, Leslie. Hi, folks. My name is Tom Haverford, and I'm here to tell you a little bit about Pawnee's premiere entertainment and multimedia conglomerate, [sings] Entertainment 7Twenty Where dreams come, they come true. How about we watch this brief promotional film?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Tom, listen to me. Turn that off or give me the remote right now.
Tom: Can we let it play please?
Leslie Knope: You're lucky that Martin Kernston is here because you're gonna need another nipple.

Quote from Andy

Andy: We need to deal with what's bothering you.
Ben: Oh, please, come into my room.
Andy: See? You're angry at me and you're not talking about it. And I'm gonna beat you up until you do, because I'm mature.

Quote from Ann

Ron Swanson: Looks like you've got the handle on that torque wrench.
Ann: Yeah, well, the flange was a little warped. So I just goosed it with a triple three bolt smack.
Ron Swanson: That was nonsense.
Ann: I know, but it's so fun to talk like that.
Ron Swanson: You know what? [hands Ann toolbox] Keep this. You earned it.
Ann: Thanks, Ron.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Tom: We made some mistakes. Tonight was my last chance to land a big client. And I failed again. God, it's so embarrassing.
Leslie Knope: Oh, hey, Tom, you're a smart guy. And charming. Occasionally.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [voice on video] The year was 1975. It was a time of trouble. Watergate, Vietnam, Peter Gabriel leaves Genesis. But then, a ray of hope... [baby crying] Leslie Barbara Knope was born on January 18, 1975. And she has been a loyal patron of its businesses ever since. Her name is Leslie Knope. And I'm gonna vote for her. And if Lil' Sebastian were still alive, he'd surely vote for her. And I reckon you should too.
Tom: Did ya like it? It's pretty great, right? Worked really hard on it.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I loved it. I'm gonna watch it every day for the rest of my life. And when I die, I'm gonna project it on my tombstone.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Tom Haverford is a selfish, unctuous, sleazy, self-promoting, good-hearted, secretly kind and wonderful tiny little person. He went to Kernston's office and basically begged him to meet with me again. I think he technically might have bribed him. But hey, you know, whatever works. It was Mary Pickford who once said, "This thing we call failure is not the falling down, but the staying down." Tom won't be down for long.


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