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‘Bus Tour’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Bus Tour

421. Bus Tour

Aired May 3, 2012

Leslie hires a bus for a final publicity push in her campaign against Bobby Newport (guest star Paul Rudd), but her campaign receives unwanted attention when she insults the Newport patriarch. Meanwhile, Andy tries to figure out who struck Jerry with a pie.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] We've come so far. I want this so bad, I can taste it. When I close my eyes, I can picture the flash of the cameras at my swearing in. And I can hear the sound of the applause when I take my oath. And I can see in the crowd president Obama smiling at me. He made it. I didn't think he would come, but he made it. Hey, buddy.


Quote from Andy

Andy: A few days ago, on a routine campaign stop in downtown Pawnee, one Leslie Knope - pause - was attacked - play - by a pie. Luckily, it only hit Jerry, so no damage was done. Play. The only evidence we have is a video shot by - pause - my wife, April Ludgate. This is Burt Macklin's greatest assignment yet. If you are watching, perpetrator, just know that you are still at large.

Quote from Chris

Chris: [aside to camera while cycling] This has been a difficult year for me, romantically. Millicent Gergich, Ann Perkins, Andy's professor-- lots of disappointment, but if I keep my body moving and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: What do we want for our city? I'll tell you what I want. I want better schools, I want cleaner streets, I want to expel the violent gangs of geese in Detweiler Square. And I will finally eliminate this city's libraries! [cheers and applause]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I know, you guys, we only have one more day to close the gap, and we're going to do so in a one-time campaign blitz aboard the S.S. Knope. This is going to be our home for the next 24 hours. And if we win, hopefully, it will be the home that Ben and I share forever.
Ben: Uh, what?
Leslie Knope: It's just an idea I had. We don't have to do it. Whatever. We can talk about it.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Okay, listen up, folks. We have a security situation here. As you know, when we reach the location, I will be conducting a security sweep. Also, from now on, we'll be using code names. You can address me as "Eagle One." Ann, code name: "Been there, done that." April is "currently doing that." Donna is "it happened once in a dream." Chris, code name: "If I had to pick a dude." Ben is "Eagle Two."
Ben: Oh, thank God.

Quote from Ben

Ben: [aside to camera] In the last few weeks, we've turned this campaign into a well-oiled machine. Leslie's stump speech is 10 minutes and 40 seconds every time. Here, check this out. There will be a big laugh right... now. [laughter in background] And now, a two-second awkward silence after Leslie does her Rodney Dangerfield impression.
Leslie Knope: [as Dangerfield] I tell ya, these geese don't give me no respect. No respect at all.
Ben: She insists on trying it every time, and it never works. But the rest of the speech, fantastic.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Reporter: Leslie, can you comment on Bobby's father Nick Newport?
Leslie Knope: Nick Newport has been intimidating and bullying and poisoning this town for years. Frankly, he's a real jerk, and if he thinks he can buy this election for his son, he's wrong.
Reporter: Sorry, I meant can you comment on Nick Newport dying earlier today?
Leslie Knope: He died? I... Sad.
Reporter: Is that your official statement? "I sad"?
Leslie Knope: No, my official statement is that is overall, a bummer. Oof. And--and together we can build a better Pawnee. [Gloria Estefan's "Get on Your Feet" starts playing] No, this is isn't the time. No, guys.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, Ben, what do we do?
Ben: Okay, it's unfortunate, but the stakes are too high. We can't just stop campaigning. We stop, we lose.
Leslie Knope: [snaps fingers] Good answer, great body. Ann, try to beat what he said.
Ann: I'm not going to beat him.
Leslie Knope: Not with that attitude.

Quote from Chris

Chris: I absolutely think that we should keep campaigning. The worst possible thing we could do would be to stop, 'cause if the campaign stops, we all stop. And stopping is certain death. Who wants a panini? Anyone? Everyone? I'm going to say everyone.

Quote from Tom

Donna: If you let Newport have the vans, they just sit there in a lot. If you let us have the vans, they drive around town all day. Free publicity. Everyone will see your logo. Which is you all pressed up on some chick with huge cans.
Bill Butler: Yeah. It was a hell of a day. People need to know about it. And I don't need free publicity. I can just pay for it. With my $10,000.
Tom: Look, I ain't gonna try to play a player. You're trying to get beaucoup bucks just like the rest of us. So how about this? I have a business idea for a gourmet alcoholic yogurt. I call it... Yogurt platinum. I'll let you in on the ground floor. And let me tell you, it's going to be worth way more than 10 grand.
Bill Butler: Yeah, but now that I know your bad idea, I can start the company myself. With my $10,000.
Tom: No, you can't do that! Ron!
Ron Swanson: Tom, Donna, could you please give us a moment? I'd like to talk to Bill, man to man.
Tom: He's gonna steal yogurt platinum.
Bill Butler: No, I'm not.

Quote from Donna

Tom: There's no vans within 50 miles, and, for some reason, no one wants to lend me $10,000.
Ron Swanson: Even if we had the dough, that bunco artist would just demand more, trust me. [Bill honks horn]
Tom: Don't move. Let's just stay here. For like an hour, and not let him out.
Donna: This isn't right. Our girl's worked hard. We're so close. [crashing sound] I know he didn't just hit my baby!
Bill Butler: Hey! What the hell, guys? Move!
Donna: All right. Y'all got your seat belts on? [revs engine] Oh! [tires screech] Did you see that? That son of a bitch just rear-ended me.
Tom: Am I dead?
Bill Butler: What the hell?
Donna: Exactly, Bill. What the hell? You just rear-ended me.
Bill Butler: That is not what happened.
Donna: But I got witnesses.
Tom: Yeah. It went down exactly the way my girl said it did, you mean, bald man.
Bill Butler: Hey, what about you, Mr. "A man's word is sacred"?
Ron Swanson: Well, it is, but you're an ass[bleep].
Donna: So we can settle this now. I will accept payment in van rentals.
Bill Butler: Gah!

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