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‘Time Capsule’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Time Capsule

303. Time Capsule

Aired February 3, 2011

Leslie's plan to bury a time capsule in the town is derailed when a man chains himself to a chair in Leslie's office demanding she include the Twilight book.

Quote from Donna

Donna: You should listen to him. Those books are good.
[aside to camera:]
Donna: Oh, I love any book about vampires, werewolves, monsters, zombies, sorcerers, beasties, or time-traveling romances. And if I had an hour alone with Robert Pattinson, he would forget all about Skinnylegs McGee. I'll tell you that much.

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Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: And I am submitting this. A brief history of everything that has ever happened since Pawnee was founded. Not like you get extra credit for this, but I did type it from memory. And for the first time ever compiled, it includes a complete list of every official town slogan we've ever had.
April: Oh, my God, Leslie.
Leslie Knope: I know. Can you believe it?
April: That's crazy.
Leslie Knope: Isn't it?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: "Pawnee: The Paris of America. Pawnee: The Akron of Southwest Indiana. Pawnee: Welcome, German soldiers." After the Nazis took France, our mayor kind of panicked. "Pawnee: The factory fire capital of America. Pawnee: Welcome, Vietnamese soldiers. Pawnee: Engage with Zorp." For a brief time in the '70s, our town was taken over by a cult. "Pawnee: Zorp is dead. Long live Zorp. Pawnee: It's safe to be here now. Pawnee: Birthplace of Julia Roberts." That was a lie, she sued, and so we had to change it. "Pawnee: Home of the world-famous Julia Roberts lawsuit." "Pawnee: Welcome, Taliban soldiers." And finally, our current slogan: "Pawnee: First in friendship, fourth in obesity."

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: So that's what today's forum is for. We're gonna hear suggestions from everyone, and then whichever items we generally agree on will go into the time capsule. Please remember this is a government project, so we need to refrain from corporate promotion and religious items. Who'd like to start?
Man: I think we should put in the Bible.
Leslie Knope: Great.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: So we have one very moving case for Twilight. Anyone else? Great. Two people for Twilight.
Marcia Langman: Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm Marcia Langman from the Society for Family Stability Foundation. This book contains pagan creatures and strong sexual overtones. There are girls quivering. There are boys staring deeply into girls' eyes as they quiver and so forth. There really is a tremendous amount of quivering. It is anti-Christian, it is pro-quivering, and the government has no business promoting it. [applause]
Man: I totally disagree.
Leslie Knope: Well, now we have two people for Twilight.
Man: Absolutely not. I'm with the National Civil Liberties Association. That book actually contains overt Christian themes, and as such, has no business being associated with any government project.
Leslie Knope: So too Christian and not Christian enough? Do you see the irony here? No? Okay. Uh, Donna, why don't you put a question mark next Twilight?
Kelly Larson: No! You promised!
Marcia Langman: You promised? That's not fair!
Man: Wait, it's not a question of fairness. It's secul...
Marcia Langman: Go back to Russia, commie!
Kelly Larson: Hey, you go back to Russia! And you go back to wherever you came from!
Marcia Langman: Why would I go to Russia? I have no interest in traveling to Russia. Can I just say that?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: "Dear Pawnee of the future, congratulations. You have found a time capsule that was buried over 50 years ago. We wanted to include a collection of items that would best represent what life was like in our town at that moment. Instead, you'll find only one item, a video recording of a public forum we held in order to determine just what those items would be. This is truly what life was like. A lot of people with a lot of opinions arguing passionately for what they believed in. So enjoy watching it. A- Assuming you still have electricity. And sorry about the weird blank gap in the middle. A man named Jerry Gergich screwed up the recording somehow. He had one job to do. Sincerely, Pawnee of the past."

Quote from Chris

Chris: It's fantastic.
Andy: Yeah. I worked really hard. I did every pair that I could. I didn't know what to do with these. I think they're gloves.
Chris: No, no, no, no. Those are sports sandals. They're for adventure racing. They perfectly contour to the human foot, and the human foot is the ultimate technology.
Andy: Dude, that is the coolest sentence I've ever heard somebody talk.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Am I Team Edward? Yes. Do I share his concerns about turning Bella, though? Absolutely not.

Quote from Jerry

Leslie Knope: Okay, Jerry, what have you chosen to put in the time capsule?
Jerry: These are my mother's diaries.
Leslie Knope: Wow.
Jerry: Yeah, she lived in Pawnee all of her life and recorded everything she ever did. Yeah, so it's, you know, kind of like a living document about the town.
Tom: Hmm. A disappointingly good idea from Jerry.
Leslie Knope: Better than good, Jerry. Perfect.
April: Give me that. "January 18, 1964. Jerrold starred in his school production of Peter Pan. He was a beautiful Tinker Bell." [laughter]
Jerry: It was an all-boys school.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Okay, Tom, you're up.
Tom: For my item, I chose a picture of my ex-girlfriend Lucy with a mustache drawn on her face and stink lines coming off her, 'cause she stinks.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily, when you're the guy, you can just tell people she's crazy. "Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up." "Yeah, man. Turns out she's crazy." That's what they always do on Entourage.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Ron?
Ron Swanson: I am submitting this menu from a Pawnee institution, JJ's diner, home of the world's best breakfast dish, the four horse meals of the egg-pork-alypse. Wendy loves it too.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Yes, Pawnee has had its set of problems, but this time capsule is our way of saying that Pawnee is gonna be around for a long time... Capsule. And you can quote me on that.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Oh, I'm actually gonna quote you on all of this, 'cause it's a newspaper article.
Leslie Knope: I thought of a great headline.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Great.
Leslie Knope: It's time to encapsulate the future.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Good one.
Leslie Knope: Sub headline: The Parks Department cuts the crapsule, buries the time capsule.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: I'll be back tomorrow with the photographer.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hi. Can I help you?
Kelly Larson: I'm Kelly Larson. I read online about your time capsule, and I'm here to make a suggestion.
Leslie Knope: Oh, I'm sorry. We're not taking sugges...
Kelly Larson: The Twilight books. It's a beautifully-told saga of vampires, werewolves, and romance.
Leslie Knope: Ah, you are the person that's been emailing me about Twilight. I thought you would be younger... And a girl.
Kelly Larson: Well, I'm not. I'm older and a boy. But I feel very strongly that these should be included. Can I tell you why?
Leslie Knope: Sure, Kelly. Have a seat.
Kelly Larson: Awesome.
Leslie Knope: And plead your case.
Kelly Larson: Thanks. Okay, Christmas Eve, 1973. Author Stephenie Meyer, nee Morgan, was born in Hartford, Connecticut.
Leslie Knope: Oh, you're going all the way back to her birth. Okay.

Quote from Andy

Ann: Why are you hanging out with Chris?
Andy: He just sat down. What am I supposed to do? He's my boss.
Ann: No, he's not.
Andy: He isn't? God dang it. I cannot figure out who my boss is.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Guys, can we push the meeting an hour? What's going on?
Leslie Knope: Some guy handcuffed himself to a pipe in my office because we wouldn't put a copy of Twilight in the time capsule.
Ben: Damn it. Again?

Quote from Tom

Tom: Hey, dude, wake up, man.
Kelly Larson: Oh, morning, Tom.
Tom: Twilight is dope.
Kelly Larson: I told you.
Tom: I couldn't put it down. It was like she was peering into my soul.
Kelly Larson: Sing it, friend. Here. Book two. Twilight: New Moon. Get cracking.
Tom: There's a second book?
Kelly Larson: And a third and a fourth.
Tom: No [bleep] way.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go do my work in the conference room, 'cause you guys are the worst.
Kelly Larson: You seem tense, Leslie. You know what you should do?
Leslie Knope: Read Twilight?
Kelly Larson: Read Twilight. Here.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, thanks.
Tom: Sometimes I think she's in the volturi. [laughter]

Quote from Tom

Tom: Thanks for coming.
Lucy: I only have a second. I have to get to work.
Tom: Bella's going on her first hunt. I just don't get why you broke up with me. Is it 'cause I'm not cool enough like the normal kids compared to the vampires? Is it an Edward-Bella-Jacob type situation where you like me but there's someone else you like more?
Lucy: Uh, it's nothing to do with Twilight. It just didn't work out. Okay?
Tom: Well, what difference does it make? If we stayed together, you probably would have just dumped me for Ron.
Lucy: Actually, that's the reason. I believe you when you say that you're not in love with Wendy anymore, but you're definitely not cool with her dating Ron. You talk about it constantly.
Tom: Well, I can't help it, okay? I mean, he's so manly, and he's my boss. Imagine if your boss was Angelina Jolie, and then one day, she just started dating your ex-boyfriend. Wouldn't that freak you out a little bit?
Lucy: Well, not if I had great new boyfriend, dumbass. Look, Tom, I like you. You're really cute and you're funny and you're small enough for me to throw you around. So if you ever work through this, then give me a call.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Woman: My grandmother lived in Pawnee for 60 years, and I want to put her ashes in the time capsule.
Man: My cat, Turnip, was the greatest cat ever, and I'd like to put his ashes in the time capsule.
Leslie Knope: For the last time, and I won't say this again, there will be no human or feline ashes in either one of the time capsules.
Man: Except for Turnip. [begins chanting] Except for Turnip.
Leslie Knope: No chanting.

Quote from Donna

Man: Look, we don't know what the world is going to be like in 50 years. We could all have been wiped out from disease or the flu.
Donna: So what's your suggestion?
Man: I don't know. I'm just scared.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Woman: That's ridiculous. Now, why should the bill of rights be in the official time capsule but this painting of my dog is in time capsule seven?
Leslie Knope: Well, I think pet paintings/ashes are in time capsule four.
Man: No, that's baseball cards.
Leslie Knope: No, baseball cards are in time capsule nine: Childhood memorabilia.
Kelly Larson: Honestly, Twilight could go in almost any of these categories.
Man: Oh, shut up, Kelly!
Kelly Larson: Make me, Bob!
Leslie Knope: Okay, let's take a ten-minute break!


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