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‘The Master Plan’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: The Master Plan

223. The Master Plan

Aired May 13, 2010

Leslie's plans to get funding for the new park are thrown in jeopardy when a team of state auditors, Chris Traeger (Rob Lowe) and Ben Wyatt (Adam Scott), set up shop in City Hall. Meanwhile, everyone gathers at the Snakehole Lounge for April's 21st birthday.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Leslie, Leslie. Welcome, welcome, welcome.
Leslie Knope: Wow. You have a lot of bottles there.
Chris: Oh, yeah. Would you like a vitamin? B-12? Evening primrose oil? Willow bark? Magnesium?
Leslie Knope: No, thank you.
Chris: You sure? Really good for hangovers.
Leslie Knope: Okay, I'll take one.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: I take care of my body above all else. Diet, exercise, supplements, and positive thinking. Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.

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Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: I'm sorry that I yelled at you. All three times. But I don't think you know anything about my department. Have you ever been part of a government body before?
Ben: I have, yeah. Small town called Partridge, Minnesota.
Leslie Knope: Why does that sound familiar? You're Benji Wyatt?
Ben: I am.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: When I was 18, I ran for mayor of my small town. And won. A little bit of anti-establishment voter rebellion, I guess. Here's the thing, though, about 18 year-olds. They're idiots. So I pretty much ran the place into the ground after two months and got impeached. The worst part was, my parents grounded me.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Once a year, every branch of this government meets in a room and announces, what they intend to waste taxpayer money on. For a libertarian such as myself, it's philosophically horrifying. They also really cheap out on the snacks. Hydrax cookies? Did you know there was an off-brand hydrox? I did not. They're not bad.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Paul: Look, we are bordering on a full-blown crisis, Leslie. The state government is sending a team from Indianapolis to try to solve this budget problem.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: "In the event the Master Plan meeting is cut short..." "In the event I have laryngitis and I can't present the Master Plan..." "In the event the Master Plan meeting is moved on to a boat..." Look, I'm prepared for every situation. Except for the one where there's no Master Plan.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [aside to camera] I thought she liked me. I guess I'm super bad at picking up signals. But that Ralph Macchio guy is a total douche.

Quote from Ann

Ann: [aside to camera] I loved Andy. Loved him. Loved Andy. He was a totally helpless baby when we met. I dated him for three years. Now, he's an adult with a job. And some other girl is going to reap the rewards of my hard work? That's bull[beep].

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, open this one. Here, I'll help you.
April: Whoa! Documents.
Leslie Knope: Yes, this is your original intern application, your original parking pass, and your original photo ID.
April: Did you get that out of my purse?
Leslie Knope: Doesn't matter. And this is a copy of your very first paycheck.
Tom: Who's that from?
Leslie Knope: Me. It's from me. Happy Birthday.
April: Thank you, Leslie.
Ron Swanson: Open mine.
Leslie Knope: Anyway, it's nice. I mean, it can be little savvy and sentimental to kinda frame things, but its always nice to remember the beginning of something. You know, the start. And when you have that...

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Ron! For God sake.
Ron Swanson: She's an adult now. She should know how to responsibly to handle and discharge a weapon. That there is a SIG-Sauer .22 caliber Mosquito, manufactured in Switzerland for their pussy police force. This two-toned lightweight model is perfect for a skinny little thing like you.
April: Gee, thanks, Ron.
Ron Swanson: I will hold on to this for you until we get you licensed up. And then I'll take you for some target practice.
April: Goody.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Yeah. I do feel a little guilty. I'm regifting.

Quote from Andy

Andy: That high five was your birthday present. Just kidding. That wasn't it. I got you something else. I wrote you a song.
April: Really?
Andy: Yeah. Yeah.
April: What's it called?
Andy: I'm not telling, but I'll give you a clue. It's named after a month out of the year.
April: So April?
Andy: No. That would have been way better.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: In the words of the great 19th century outdoorsman Jack London, you can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. With those words ringing in our ears, we proudly present our plans for a new park on municipal lot 48.
Ann: That's good.
Leslie Knope: I know.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: The yearly budget and planning proposal for a city is called the "Master Plan." Ah, isn't that just so awesome you can't stand it? It's mostly filled with boring, bureaucratic language, so I try to spice it up a little.
[back:]
Leslie Knope: "So I say the function of man is to live, not to exist. I would rather that my spark should not burn out in a brilliant blaze that it should be stifled by dry rot."
Ann: You wrote that?
Leslie Knope: Jack London. Again. Is that too many Jack London quotes?
Ann: No, no.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I mean, you can never have enough.
Ann: That is easily the most exciting budget proposal I've ever heard.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your final warning. Do not miss tonight. April Ludgate Birthday Bash. 9 o'clock at the world-famous Snakehole Lounge. The place the Pawnee General has called the sexiest, most dangerous club in town.
Leslie Knope: That's not what they wrote.
Tom: Fine. I added the word "sexiest," but we've hired better security.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Yes, I am a good friend for throwing the party. I'm also a genius because I'm using the occasion to stock the club with every available hottie I know. Call me a romantic, but I believe by the end of the night, I will have between one and four new girlfriends.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Paul: Good morning, everybody. I know you all have your budget presentations ready, but there's a change of plans. Due to the crippling gridlock in city council, we are postponing all planning and spending decisions indefinitely.
Leslie Knope: Um, until when?
Paul: Indefinitely.
Leslie Knope: And when will that end?
Paul: Later than now.
Leslie Knope: So this week probably?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Just calm down. You don't even know what they're gonna do.
Leslie Knope: Ron, they're state auditors. They're not gonna come and pat us on the back. They're here to slash and burn.
Ron Swanson: Well, I'd be fine with that. This government is diseased. It's like a big, fat, angry slob spending money it doesn't have on crap it doesn't need. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Me want more pointless social programs. Yummy, yummy, yum.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Let me ask you a quick question. What's the youngest a girl can be that if we go out, I'm not a total scumbag?
Tom: You know the old rule. Half your age plus seven.
Andy: Half my age plus seven. Oh, okay. Well, I'm 29, so half of 29. Add seven. That's only... Twenty is...
Tom: Twenty-one...
Andy: Twenty-years-old.
Tom: Twenty-one... and a half.
Andy: Twenty-one-years old and a half.
Tom: Yeah.
Andy: Yep. We got the same thing with the equation on that one.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Here's the thing. What if she's slightly younger? Can I go out with someone younger than that?
Tom: Please, you totally can.
Andy: Yeah.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Tom says it's okay. That probably means it isn't okay.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Chris is the most positive state budget auditing consultant I have ever met. I mean, I made eye contact with him, and it was like staring into the sun.

Quote from Chris

Chris: People, we are here from the state budget office from Indianapolis. Ooh. What does that mean? Look, simply we are here to tinker with your budget. Think of the government as a broken-down carousel. We're going to slap on a new coat of paint, we are going to fix that broken speaker system, and we are going to get those happy kids back up on the horses where they belong! Okay?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: I really like your shirt.
Ben: So I'd like to talk about where you think there's waste within your department.
Ron Swanson: [scoffs] Where do I start?
Leslie Knope: There is none.
Ron Swanson: What exactly will you be cutting? And how much of it? And can I watch you do it while eating pork cracklings?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: You know what. You shouldn't wait around. You should come up with your own budget plan and just control your own destiny.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I just don't know if I can play God like that. Angry, vengeful God, who just fires Jerry for no reason.
Ann: You'd fire Jerry?
Leslie Knope: Not necessarily.

Quote from Tom

Tom: And I'm reading this, and I'm like, "How could they hurt those gorillas like that?" They're such gentle, magnificent creatures, you know? I'm an animal lover. I don't know. Hey, I want you to keep this bottle cap. So you always remember me and the first time we met.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Classic game. Plant the seed. Harvest, like, a half hour later.

Quote from Tom

Tom: id I give you a bottle cap? Excuse me, did I give you a bottle cap?
Woman: What?
Tom: Did I give any of you guys a bottle cap? [woman shakes head] You sure? Who the [bleep] did I give a bottle cap to?

Quote from Andy

Andy: I'm not saying we're the best band in the universe. But we're, I would say, honestly the best band in the world.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: I should write an article about you. Another article about you.
Andy: Yeah, okay. Hey, uh, can I buy you a drink?
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Sure.
Andy: Yeah. You have a tab I can put it on? Wait. How old are you?
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: 25.
[Andy takes a moment to do the math in his head]
Andy: Mark. Brendanawicz. Hey, what's 25 divided by 2 plus 7?
Mark: 19 and a half.
Andy: Okay. I'm older than that. We're good to go.

Quote from Chris

Chris: So what brings you here so early?
Leslie Knope: I'm here to speak to Ben, actually.
Chris: Great. I'm gonna listen to some ocean sounds and do some chin-ups.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Oh, oh, oh. Don't keep him too long. I need someone to be here when I take my multivitamin. There's a choking hazard. [holds up a two-inch long multivitamin]


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