Ron Swanson: That's your will? You need that many pages to say, "Give my stuff to my wife"?
Ben: It's a complicated legal document.
Ron Swanson: It doesn't have to be. I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
Ben: "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
Ron Swanson: The man who kills me will know.
Ranger Patrick: Hey, Ron. You're not going to slaughter that pig here, are you?
Ron Swanson: Not to worry. I have a permit.
Ranger Patrick: This just says, "I can do what I want."
Ron Swanson: I am the director of the Parks Department, and this is a park.
Ranger Patrick: It's not a Parks thing. It's against, like, three laws and a dozen health codes.
Ron Swanson: Fine. Barbecue is postponed until I can go pick up some meat from the Food 'n' Stuff. Let's go, Tom. No, pig Tom. [Donna laughs]
Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Tom and April were excellent witnesses in my defense. Unfortunately, every single word out of their mouths was a lie. There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.
Ron Swanson: Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys into men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons. Behold. The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories include:
Ron Swanson: Capitalism, God's way of determining who is smart, and who is poor. Crying, acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage, poise, property rights. Fish, for sport only. Not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable. Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts. High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?
Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] This land is begging to be a new national park. And it's in my own backyard. This could be my crowning achievement. I could retire. I mean, I wouldn't. I'm gonna work until I'm 100 and then cut back to four days a week. Oh, God, I'm already so bored thinking about that one day off. Maybe I'll go to law school or something.
Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Grant Larsen has offered me a chance to oversee a branch office of the national park service. This is like the parks equivalent of Bruce Springsteen pulling Courtney Cox onstage. I mean, one minute you're just a regular girl in the crowd, and the next minute you're dancing 10 feet away from freakin' Max Weinberg!
Ann: First of all, this is Evelyn.
Leslie Knope: Oh, hello.
Ann: She is my Health Department counterpart from Eagleton.
Evelyn: There really wasn't a ton of work for me there. Eagletonians are very healthy.
Leslie Knope: Oh, well, this might be a very interesting challenge for you, because Pawnee has the very first documented case of mega-diabetes. And the only know occurrence of Lou Gehrig's other disease. We've been written about in textbooks.
Leslie Knope: If you look inside your bags, you will find a few things. A bouquet of hand-crocheted flower pens... A mosaic portrait of each of you made from the crushed bottles of your favorite diet soda, and a personalized 5,000-word essay of why you are all so awesome.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: What's Galentine's Day? Oh, it's only the best day of the year. Every February 13th, my lady friends and I leave our husbands and our boyfriends at home and we just come and kick it breakfast style. Ladies celebrating ladies. It's like Lilith Fair minus the angst, plus frittatas.
Leslie Knope: Okay, guys, we are going to be sightseeing today. Andy and Ben are gonna go to their meeting, and then we're gonna go back to the hotel for lunch, and I will spend the day getting to know London's history.
Ron Swanson: History began on July 4, 1776. Everything before that was a mistake.
Tom: I don't understand. I was great. I was like Mark Z in The Social "N." My testimony was amazing for your case.
Ron Swanson: But it wasn't the truth. And neither was yours. You even called me a... [whispers] vegetarian. What if that testimony leaks? How will people ever respect me?
April: Ugh, whatever. The truth is stupid. I only tell the truth when it makes me sound like I'm lying.
Tom: Yeah, lying is all I know. It's how I was able to scrape by on the streets of Bombay and make it on the Indian version of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire and get reunited with the love of my life, Latika.