TV Quotes

Chris: I just never thought that I would get to make this announcement. It's a very special day. Okay. Hi, Donna.
Ann: So...
Donna: You're pregnant.
Ann: Oh, man, Tom told you.
Donna: Nope. You're drinking decaf coffee, which you usually only do in the afternoon, you're wearing an empire-waist dress and loose shoes 'cause your feet are already swelling. I'd put you at nine, maybe ten weeks.
Chris: My goodness, you're observant.
Donna: Yes, I am. Yes, I am. Hmm. When did you make the switch to boxer briefs?
Chris: Yesterday.
Ann: Okay, please stop looking at him.

Leslie Knope: Why are we here?
Ron Swanson: Just thought you needed some fresh air, even if that air is filled with the foul stench of European socialism.

Chris: Hey, Jerry. I didn't know you were working today.
Jerry: Yeah, Ron asked me to come in while he's away. Of course, I had to cancel my cardiologist appoint--
Chris: That's great. Now, here's a piece of information that is interesting. Ann is pregnant, and it's my baby.
Jerry: Oh, my God, that's wonderful news! Oh, there's so much in front of you. I mean, soon you're gonna start showing, and then your clothes will feel tight, and then, oh, people are gonna start rubbing your tummy all the time!
Ann: [laughs] That sounds terrible.
Jerry: Well, Gayle, she got really queasy, and I gained a lot of sympathy weight. You know, actually, before my kids, I looked a lot like you, Chris.
Chris: I'm very sad. Please stop talking.
Jerry: And, of course, pretty soon, Ann, your milk is gonna come in.
Ann: Oh.
Jerry: That is exciting. Mmm. [gulping] Yep, and it happens sooner than you'd think. The babies can sense it. You would be shocked, 'cause they are rooting around for that nipple. [smacking lips] Mm, mm. Gimme, gimme. Mm, mm, mm. I want milk! Mm, mm, mm, mm. Ohh. Life is a miracle.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] All my life I've avoided Europe and its multitudes of terribleness. But it turns out, much to my surprise, there is actually one place in Europe that is worth seeing: these tiny islands off the coast of Scotland, where God's chosen elixirs are distilled, barreled, and prepared for consumption. This is worth the trip. "Dear Ron, you have now reached the cliffsides overlooking the islands. As you sit here and gaze upon the waters, please read out loud the poem by the great Scotsman Robert Burns. Love, Leslie."
"Oh, were my love yon lilac fair, with purple blossoms to the spring, and I, a bird to shelter there, when wearied on my little wing, how I would mourn when it was torn by autumn wild and winter rude, but I would sing on wanton wing, when youthful may its bloom renewed." I don't know what she thought I'd get out of that.

Ann: I mean, this is all pretty overwhelming, you know?
Chris: You know what I just read? Right now, our baby is the size of a green olive. Isn't that wild?
Ann: It is.
Chris: A green olive. A little high in sodium. I would have preferred a chickpea or a cherry tomato.
Ann: Our baby's not a salad.
Chris: Yes, right.

Ron Swanson: You're leaving tonight? I can't believe there's even a flight.
Leslie Knope: Well, not to Indiana, but there's a 9:00 red-eye to Lisbon, and then I can catch the 4:30 A.M. back to Edinburgh, connect through Houston, head on up to Cincinnati and then rent a car, drive around 90, and I'll be home two hours earlier than if I flew home as planned. Easy breezy!

April: So it's kind of awesome that the Lord Fancyface Guy wants you to stay.
Andy: Yeah, I guess. I mean, I can't do it, obviously.
April: Why?
Andy: I don't even know what I would be doing. I mean, besides, this is England. Everything is so weird. It's all different.
April: Yeah, like how they drive on the other side of the road.
Andy: Do they? I'll be damned. Yeah, like that. That's what I'm-- exactly what I'm talking about. Or like the Piccadilly Circus we went to? Not even a circus. There's no elephants, there was no cotton candy, there's no clowns. One bearded lady. She got all rude when I marveled at her.

Ron Swanson: Leslie, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I do not think you should leave Europe right now. You flew all this way. Have some perspective.
Leslie Knope: You have some perspective! [throws clothes] I'm sorry. Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm stressed. Okay, I need to calm down. Let's go walk past Colin Firth's house again.
April: Who is that?

Ulee Danssen: They just love me. What about your town?
Leslie Knope: Well, Pawnee, Indiana, is a wonderful town, and I love it, but they hate me. And they're trying to kick me out of office. One time, they made a pinata of my face, and then everybody in the town came and took turns hitting it with a stick, and they filled it with broccoli, just to add insult to injury... [laughter] But politics... You know what I mean, right?
Ulee Danssen: I don't, no. [both laugh]

Lisa: Thank you, Ulee. It is so inspiring to hear stories of powerful women who are held in high esteem by their hometowns. Now, from the hometown of Pawnee, Indiana, in the United States, Leslie Knope. [applause]
Leslie Knope: First let me say, it is a true honor to be here among these amazing women. You all inspire me with your accomplishments and the things you have done for your hometowns and the things your hometowns have done for you. I mean, they're just truly... You know, I've been a public servant for a long time. And you know how I spend my days? Cleaning slime out of rivers and removing slugs from people's front yards. And I love my town, but you know how they repay me? By hating me. They hate me. They want to recall me. I wish I could move to Silkeborg and dance with a reindeer.
Ulee Danssen: You're always welcome in Silkeborg! Olga, let's start a statue of Leslie.
Leslie Knope: See? They like me in Silkeborg more than my own hometown, and I've never even been there. I love Pawnee, but sometimes it sucks. The people can be very mean and ungrateful, and they cling to their fried dough and their big sodas, and then they get mad at me when their pants don't fit. You know, I'm sick of it. Pawnee is filled with a bunch of pee-pee-heads. Thank you very much for this amazing award. I'm sorry I said "pee-pee-heads." [laughs; applause]
April: Whoo! That's my boss!