Leslie Knope: Okay, time for gifts. We have gift certificates for facials for everybody, then you're gonna get a needlepoint pillow with your face on it and the lead headline from a newspaper on the day you were born.
Marlene Knope: "Joseph Stalin dies"?
Leslie Knope: That's right, Mom, and you replaced him. Though not in terms of genocide. Just in terms of, you know, being on earth.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: February 14th, Valentine's Day, is about romance, but February 13th, Galentine's day, is about celebrating lady friends. It's wonderful, and it should be a national holiday. It should be a national holiday. [writes on phone] Dear Congress, it's Leslie again.

Leslie Knope: Okay, so the Valentine's Day dance is planned, prepped, and under budget, but we have one final task. Ann Perkins is currently attending the Valentine's Day dance alone, so I need each one of you to bring an eligible bachelor for her tomorrow.
April: Ann's not totally hideous. Why does she need our help?
Leslie Knope: Because that's what friends do, April. They help friends find happiness. Now the last guy she liked was Chris, but she can't date him again because he's her boss. So when we're thinking of prospective sweethearts, we need to think of people who are... Attractive and smart and kind. And if you're wondering what kind of guy is right for Ann, all you need to do is ask. Also you need to find someone educated, and friendly, and fun...
Ron Swanson: Just tell us the damn word.
Leslie Knope: Effervescent, he needs to be effervescent.

Leslie Knope: April, you're the old married broad here. How's Andy?
April: Well, last week he was supposed to buy gas, but instead he bought novelty cookie cutters. Now everything we eat is shaped like a dinosaur. [laughs] He's amazing.

Leslie Knope: I do not understand this. This really confuses me.
Ben: Well, you do love them both.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I love passionate speakers and Italian men. Doesn't mean I love Mussolini.
Ben: You love Italian men?
Leslie Knope: Not as much as... Irish... Scottish? White... Whatever you are. This is the weirdest Valentine's Day ever.

Ben: [to Ron] Okay, so the clue is inside, but it takes a five-letter code to open it. Andy!
Ron Swanson: Did you try [bleep]?
Andy: Ha!
Ben: Yes, why is that everyone's first suggestion?
Andy: Just smart people.
Ron Swanson: I think I might be able to help you.
Andy: Told you.
[Ron smashes the cryptex open with a hammer]

Leslie Knope: I thought we had agreed that we weren't gonna get each other presents 'cause we were too busy with the campaign-- I got you something too.
Ben: Oh, a... bomb?
Leslie Knope: It is a cryptex, like in that movie The Da Vinci Code, which was the first movie that you and I ever watched on Starz HD.
Ben: Wow, that's specific.
Leslie Knope: Inside it will tell you where to meet me at 9:00 P.M. tonight, and the combination is a five-letter code that captures the essence of our third date.
Ben: Yeah...
Leslie Knope: So I will see you tonight. Unless...You can't crack the code.
Ben: I think I can crack the code.
[aside to camera:]
Ben: I have no idea what the code is.

Leslie Knope: Let's talk about personal relationships. Who wants to start? Donna?
Donna: I have several men in rotation. One's waiting for me out in the car. [chuckling] Don't worry, I rolled down the window.

Leslie Knope: And mom, how's it going with Steven?
Marlene Knope: Well, I met him on the Internet because of my lovely daughter, and we are compatible.
Leslie Knope: La, la, la, la, la, la, la. Okay, no, no, no, no, no. Ann, can you start talking?
Ann: Well, I'm- I'm- I'm in a bit of a lull right now, but I'm so glad that you all have people in your lives that you care about, so congrats! It's really hard to say congrats without sounding sarcastic. Seriously, I really hope you guys are all very happy-- Damn it.
April: We are.

Ben: Well, Leslie hid the location of our Valentine's meeting place in here.
Andy: No.
Ben: I tried every five-letter word that has anything to do with our third date.
Andy: Have you tried [bleep]?
Ben: That's a four-letter word.
Andy: Oh. Add an "s"?
Ben: I really don't think it's that.

Jerry: Leslie. Found a date for Ann.
Leslie Knope: Jerry, well done.
Jerry: I put an ad on Craigslist: "Man seeking man for a night of casual fun." Enrico, he responded right away.
Enrico: I'll meet you inside, okay?
Jerry: Okay.
Tom: You hired a male escort.
Jerry: A what?
Leslie Knope: Please get your gigolo out of here.
Jerry: I, uh- Oh, my God.