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‘Flu Season’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Flu Season

302. Flu Season

Aired January 27, 2011

As a bad flu hits Pawnee, Leslie refuses to accept she's sick ahead of an important presentation, and a hospitalized April takes things out on nurse Ann. Meanwhile, Andy subs in as Ron's assistant, and Tom spends the day at the spa.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here, and it says you could have network connectivity problems.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

April: Hey, if you see Andy, will you not tell him I'm here?
Ron Swanson: Okay.
April: Because of what happened, I don't want him to think...
Ron Swanson: Stop. Don't want to know.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Ann Perkins.
Ann: Hey. How was your run?
Chris: Ended with a 5 1/2-minute mile, my personal low. I think the pavement in this town is soft.
Ann: What's with the mask?
Chris: Flu prevention. My body is finely tuned, like a microchip. And the flu is like a grain of sand. It could literally shut down the entire system.
Ann: My body's like a chip too. Potato chip. [both chuckle] No.

Quote from Chris

Leslie Knope: I am not sick. I just have allergies, okay? I took a Claritin, and I threw that up. So I took another one. I threw that up. And then I took a third, and it stayed down. I'm getting better.
Ben: All right, you're burning up.
Leslie Knope: You're burning up. What?
Chris: I have to get out of here. I have 2.8% body fat. My body's like a microchip. A grain of sand could destroy it. My body's a microchip.

Quote from Ann

Ann: [aside to camera] I know what she's trying to do. She's trying to get me to break. And you know what? I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna be professional, and I'm gonna put on a happy face, and then I'm gonna go into a supply closet and snap a bunch of tongue depressors.

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: The time is now. The place is Pawnee. Let's make history. [applause]
[aside to camera:]
Ben: That was amazing. That was a flu-ridden Michael Jordan at the '97 NBA finals. That was... Kirk Gibson hobbling up to the plate and hitting a homer off of Dennis Eckersley. That was... That was Leslie Knope.

Quote from Ann

Ann: [aside to camera] Nothing like a complete physical breakdown to make a guy seem less intimidating. I love the flu.

Quote from Tom

Ben: I'm sorry. Are you leaving? I thought we had a meeting.
Leslie Knope: No, we do. It's just I think it's a little chilly in here.
Ben: Are you okay? Your eyes are glassy.
Chris: Oh, my God. Oh, my... Is she... Is she sick? Are you sick?
Tom: [wearing motorcycle helmet] No. Yeah, she's sick. That's why I'm wearing this and misting myself with hand sanitizer.

Quote from April

Ann: I thought you might like a fresh set of pillows.
April: Are you trying to smother me? Help! The slutty nurse is trying to smother me to death with a pillow!
Ann: Okay, never mind.
April: Stay back, slut.

Quote from Andy

Ron Swanson: I am starving. I haven't had lunch since yesterday. So I'm gonna head over to Callahan's.
Andy: Oh, no, no, no. Don't go there. They totally skimp on pickles. Let me go to Bighead Joe's for you. They have the most insane burritos.
Ron Swanson: I don't much go for ethnic food.
Andy: No, no, no. Trust me. They have one that's called the meat tornado. Literally killed a guy last year.
Ron Swanson: You had me at "meat tornado."

Quote from Leslie Knope

Tom: I think I should drive you to the hospital.
Leslie Knope: Was I wearing a tiara when I came in here? Because if you happen upon it, will you have Lady Pennyface retrieve it and send it posthence?

Quote from Chris

Chris: Hey, Ann.
Ann: What happened? I just saw you a few hours ago, and you were fine. Not like, "Damn, you're fine," but fine health-wise.
Chris: My body has no fat to protect itself from disease. Things happen very quickly. Listen to me. It's very important that you replenish my body with electrolytes after every involuntary loss of bodily fluids.
Ann: Oh, boy.
Chris: My body tends to lose a lot of fluids when it's sick. My brain is on fire. I'm dying.
Ann: Mm. Well, you definitely have the flu.
Chris: Oh, my God. The microchip has been compromised.

Quote from Ann

Ann: [aside to camera] There is a crazy flu going around. Lots of miserable dehydrated people with high fevers and diarrhea. And one of those dehydrated, high-fevered miserable people is April... Who hates me.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [on conference call] So we've developed a revenue-sharing formula that will hopefully appeal to most business owners.
Tom: Leslie! Go home. You're sick.
Leslie Knope: I'm not sick. It's just allergies. Come on, guys. Just let me in there.
Donna: No.
Jerry: You can't come in here.
Tom: You're not coming in.
Jerry: Leslie, you look tired, and you're all sweaty.
Leslie Knope: You look tired, and you're all sweaty all the time. What's your excuse? You want to go there, Jerry?
Jerry: No.

Quote from Ann

Ann: [aside to camera] We've been on a couple of dates. I really like him. The problem is, he's like a perfect human man. I can't find one flaw. There was one time I thought he farted. But it was me.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Look, don't worry. I've done presentations like this before, and Tom will be with me. So you're in good hands.
[aside to camera from a hospital bed:]
Leslie Knope: It's not that I don't trust Ben. It's that I don't have faith in Ben. And also, I'm starting to forget who Ben is.

Quote from Tom

Tom: All right. Now, what superpower would you rather have? Would you rather be able to fly or be invisible? Ed, go first.
Ed: Uh, fly, I guess.
Tom: I forgot to tell you. You can only fly five feet above the ground. [laughter]
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I bring a certain panache and spice to the spa experience for these guys. Before I joined, they were just three old white dudes quietly boiling in hot water.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Leslie, go home.
Leslie Knope: No, I can't. I can't go home. I have to get ready for the Chamber of Secrets.
Ben: Commerce.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [to the poster] Good evening, everyone. I'm Leslie Monster. And this is Nightline.

Quote from April

April: [device beeping] I want another nurse.
Ann: Well, there are none. We're stretched pretty thin right now.
April: Then I want a janitor. They can do what you do, right?
Ann: Yep, nurses and janitors are totally interchangeable.
April: Except no one dresses up like a janitor when they want to be slutty.
Ann: I get the sense that maybe you're angry at me for kissing Andy...
April: No, I'm not. What are you talking about? That's crazy.
Ann: And that you think it might be fun to take it out on me. Please don't do that.
April: "Do"? I can't do anything. I'm sick. [device beeping] My blankets are on the floor.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Well, I'm organizing this huge harvest festival, and I need at least 80 local businesses to participate. And normally, this is the kind of thing I would love to do, but I'm just feeling really tired. I think maybe my allergies are acting up. I've already vomited, like, five times today.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: We're having a meeting tonight at the Chamber of Commerce, and we're gonna go over all the details, and we'd just love if you could come and join us.
JJ: Sure, anything for my favorite customer.
Leslie Knope: [chuckles] I bet you say that to all the girls.
JJ: Oh, no, no. Actually, you're my favorite. You spent over $1,000 last year on waffles alone.

Quote from Ron Swanson

April: [coughs]
Ron Swanson: Here. I didn't know what to bring you, so I just got some magazines and lipstick... Woman stuff.
April: Thanks. All my parents got me was that. [points to giant bear]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Fine, I'm coming in.
Tom: Donna, barricade the door, now!
Leslie Knope: Donna, come on, just let me in.
Donna: Un-uh.
Tom: Either go home, or go back into quarantine.
Leslie Knope: I'm not going home.
Jerry: Get out of here, Leslie. Go home.
Donna: Hit the bricks.
[Leslie starts licking stuff around the office]
Jerry: Oh, come on. No, no, no, no, no. She's germing up all my stuff. Aw, yuck. Leslie!

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I need to find someone to fill in for April. Now, I know I'm not gonna find someone who's both aggressively mean and apathetic. April really is the whole package. But I think I might know someone who will be just as ineffective.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: 104.1. Leslie, you're dehydrated. I'm admitting you.
Leslie Knope: If I was sick, could I do this?
Ann: What are you doing?
Leslie Knope: Cartwheels. Am I not doing them?
Ann: No.

Quote from Tom

Tom: The worst thing you can do with an important presentation like this is over-prepare.
Ben: Well...
Tom: So, I think it's best if I go to the spa.
Ben: No, we promised Leslie we'd prep for the meeting.
Tom: No, Ben, you promised Leslie. See, I never promise Leslie anything. That way, I never disappoint her. I try to be considerate. Well, I am off for a soak and a schvitz. "Arrivederch."

Quote from Tom

Tom: Would you rather live in the pocket of a giant kangaroo or have a pocket on your own stomach that has a tiny kangaroo in it all the time? Preston.
Preston: Tiny kangaroo in my stomach pocket.
Tom: Forgot to mention, the tiny kangaroo is a racist. [laughter]

Quote from Chris

Ann: Hey, have you seen Leslie?
Chris: I had a dream that she came into this room, stole my flu medicine, told me not to tell you, and then disappeared through that hole in the wall.
Ann: The door?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Ben Wyatt! Hello!
Ben: Uh, hi, Leslie.
Leslie Knope: Good to see you.
Ben: You too. [shake hands] Wow, you're really burning up.
Leslie Knope: Can I get some money for the cab that I took over here, please?
Ben: Sure. How much?
Leslie Knope: I'm not sure. I looked at the meter, and it had Egyptian hieroglyphics on it.
Ben: Wow.
Leslie Knope: Do you know the exchange rate?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Oh, boy. Hold on. Be careful.
Ben: What?
Leslie Knope: The floor and the wall just switched.
Ben: Okay.
Leslie Knope: Walk very carefully.

Quote from Andy

Ron Swanson: Libertarianism is all about individual liberty, and it should never be defined by the terms "liberal" or "conservative."
Andy: And communism is no good, right?
Ron Swanson: That's right. Big swing and a miss.
Andy: And what's the word for when a few clerics are in charge? Religious oligarchy.
Ron Swanson: Holy [bleep].
Andy: I can remember things.
Ron Swanson: I guess.
Andy: Mm, hey, keep mine rare.
Ron Swanson: A man after my own heart.

Quote from Chris

Chris: I vomited somewhere in this room. I don't remember where, though. Wait. You might want to check that drawer.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Before we get started, a quick announcement... Every Thursday night is ladies' night down at the Snakehole Lounge over on Burnham Avenue. Ladies get two drinks for the price of one. Oh, no, that can't be right. That's way too good of a deal. Nope. That is what it says. Wow. That sounds like a fun time.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Thank you so much. Any questions? Yes, sir?
Man: Are we going to get the same sales-tax incentives we used to?
Leslie Knope: That's a very good question, sir, and I would counter with my own question, which is... Why is half of your face all swirly?
Ben: Okay, um, unfortunately, Leslie has another very important meeting right now. So if you have any other questions, you can just direct them, uh, towards me.
Leslie Knope: Give it up, everybody, for Scott Bakula from Quantum Leap.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [quietly] Hi, April. [whispering] It's me, Andy. Just stay sleeping. I am going to be here when you wake up. I will not leave your side. You could be asleep for hours. Maybe I'll come back later. Hope you feel better. Okay. Oh, and I know you think that I'm a jerk, but I hope you can forgive me. [kisses April's forehead] Gross. Your forehead is all sweaty. That's gross. But I still like you. Okay. Oh, that's disgusting.
[As Andy leaves, April opens her eyes briefly and smiles]

Quote from Chris

Ben: Got your message. What's up?
Chris: I got a call from the boys upstairs. And they have a new assignment for us.
Ben: Okay.
Chris: Yeah. And I feel like we should ask for an extension to stay here.
Ben: Yes, definitely. You know... The festival thing's getting pretty huge, and, uh, couple loose ends that need tying up.
Chris: Good, so I'll make the call, then, to get the extension?
Ben: Yeah, they need our help.
Chris: For the loose ends.
Ben: Great.
Chris: Good.
Ben: Okay, you need a ride back to the office?
Chris: No, no, I'm gonna go for a light 15k. I missed yesterday. Way to go, buddy. Way to go.


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