Andy: Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here, and it says you could have network connectivity problems.

April: Hey, if you see Andy, will you not tell him I'm here?
Ron Swanson: Okay.
April: Because of what happened, I don't want him to think...
Ron Swanson: Stop. Don't want to know.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

Chris: Ann Perkins.
Ann: Hey. How was your run?
Chris: Ended with a 5 1/2-minute mile, my personal low. I think the pavement in this town is soft.
Ann: What's with the mask?
Chris: Flu prevention. My body is finely tuned, like a microchip. And the flu is like a grain of sand. It could literally shut down the entire system.
Ann: My body's like a chip too. Potato chip. [both chuckle] No.

Leslie Knope: I am not sick. I just have allergies, okay? I took a Claritin, and I threw that up. So I took another one. I threw that up. And then I took a third, and it stayed down. I'm getting better.
Ben: All right, you're burning up.
Leslie Knope: You're burning up. What?
Chris: I have to get out of here. I have 2.8% body fat. My body's like a microchip. A grain of sand could destroy it. My body's a microchip.

Ann: [aside to camera] I know what she's trying to do. She's trying to get me to break. And you know what? I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna be professional, and I'm gonna put on a happy face, and then I'm gonna go into a supply closet and snap a bunch of tongue depressors.

Leslie Knope: The time is now. The place is Pawnee. Let's make history. [applause]
[aside to camera:]
Ben: That was amazing. That was a flu-ridden Michael Jordan at the '97 NBA finals. That was... Kirk Gibson hobbling up to the plate and hitting a homer off of Dennis Eckersley. That was... That was Leslie Knope.

Ann: [aside to camera] Nothing like a complete physical breakdown to make a guy seem less intimidating. I love the flu.

Ann: I thought you might like a fresh set of pillows.
April: Are you trying to smother me? Help! The slutty nurse is trying to smother me to death with a pillow!
Ann: Okay, never mind.
April: Stay back, slut.

Ron Swanson: I am starving. I haven't had lunch since yesterday. So I'm gonna head over to Callahan's.
Andy: Oh, no, no, no. Don't go there. They totally skimp on pickles. Let me go to Bighead Joe's for you. They have the most insane burritos.
Ron Swanson: I don't much go for ethnic food.
Andy: No, no, no. Trust me. They have one that's called the meat tornado. Literally killed a guy last year.
Ron Swanson: You had me at "meat tornado."

Tom: I think I should drive you to the hospital.
Leslie Knope: Was I wearing a tiara when I came in here? Because if you happen upon it, will you have Lady Pennyface retrieve it and send it posthence?