Ron Swanson: That's your will? You need that many pages to say, "Give my stuff to my wife"?
Ben: It's a complicated legal document.
Ron Swanson: It doesn't have to be. I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
Ben: "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
Ron Swanson: The man who kills me will know.

Ranger Patrick: Hey, Ron. You're not going to slaughter that pig here, are you?
Ron Swanson: Not to worry. I have a permit.
Ranger Patrick: This just says, "I can do what I want."
Ron Swanson: I am the director of the Parks Department, and this is a park.
Ranger Patrick: It's not a Parks thing. It's against, like, three laws and a dozen health codes.
Ron Swanson: Fine. Barbecue is postponed until I can go pick up some meat from the Food 'n' Stuff. Let's go, Tom. No, pig Tom. [Donna laughs]

Ron Swanson: Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys into men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons. Behold. The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories include:
[back:]
Ron Swanson: Capitalism, God's way of determining who is smart, and who is poor. Crying, acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage, poise, property rights. Fish, for sport only. Not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable. Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts. High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Tom and April were excellent witnesses in my defense. Unfortunately, every single word out of their mouths was a lie. There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I could not be happier about this. I think the entire government should be privatized. Chuck E. Cheese could run the parks. Everything operated by tokens. Drop in a token, go on the swing set. Drop in another token, take a walk. Drop in a token, look at a duck.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera:] For the last three years I have served as troop leader of the Pawnee Rangers. This is our handbook. [Ron opens a single-sheet pamphlet which reads "#1. Be a man."] I wrote the whole thing myself.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I'm impressed with Andy. Pulling himself up by his bootstraps. He reminds me of me. I got my first job when I was nine. Worked at a sheet metal factory. In two weeks, I was running the floor. Child labor laws are ruining this country.

April: Hey, if you see Andy, will you not tell him I'm here?
Ron Swanson: Okay.
April: Because of what happened, I don't want him to think...
Ron Swanson: Stop. Don't want to know.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

Leslie Knope: Okay, guys, we are going to be sightseeing today. Andy and Ben are gonna go to their meeting, and then we're gonna go back to the hotel for lunch, and I will spend the day getting to know London's history.
Ron Swanson: History began on July 4, 1776. Everything before that was a mistake.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] I've been quite open about this around the office. I don't want this Parks Department to build any parks because I don't believe in government. I think that all government is a waste of taxpayer money. My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations. Like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.