TV Quotes

Leslie Knope: Ben, do something.
Ben: What do you want me to do?
Leslie Knope: Well, you're the city manager. Kick them out. They're violating every single one of the Farmers Market's rules of conduct.
Ben: By "rules of conduct," do you mean that wooden sign you made that says, "Peas be kind to others"?
Leslie Knope: Yes, and "In case of fire, romaine calm," and "You won't bay leaf how nice olive our vendors are." I don't like vegetables, but I'm very good at vegetable puns.

Ann: Sorry, the door was open.
Ron Swanson: I wish this office had only walls.

Chris: [aside to camera while cycling] This has been a difficult year for me, romantically. Millicent Gergich, Ann Perkins, Andy's professor-- lots of disappointment, but if I keep my body moving and my mind occupied at all times, I will avoid falling into a bottomless pit of despair.

Ben: Look, you guys can swagger around all you want, but businesses need revenue, okay? Unless you start working on an actual plan, you're dead in a month. That's a fact.
Tom: Ben, thanks for your time. But with all due respect, as far as business decisions go, I think we know what we're doing. Don't forget to grab a free iPad on your way out. [Ben walks away] He didn't even have one.

Ron Swanson: You know, when I was 12, my brother shot me in the pinky toe with a nail gun. Granted, it was a hilarious prank, and we all had a good laugh.
Leslie Knope: That's awful.
Ron Swanson: But I avoided going to the doctor. I hate paperwork. After a few weeks, the toe just kinda fell off. Leslie Knope: You only have nine toes?
Ron Swanson: I have the toes I have. Let's just leave it at that. The point is the doctor said if I had come in right away, they might've saved the toe. You can't run away from your problems.
Leslie Knope: Especially if you only have nine toes. Sorry. That was uncalled for.
Ron Swanson: I'm Ron Swanson. And you're Leslie [bleep] Knope. You with me?

Leslie Knope: He likes the shapes, okay? And he's part of the team. So, here. Take these scissors and cut out your favorite shapes. And then we'll put them on a new team mural. We're going to make a new design that takes the best parts of all of our designs.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: It's like if you got Michelangelo and Andy Warhol and Jackson Pollock and Jim Davis from Garfield to do one painting. Imagine how good that painting would be.

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] All told, we were in there about six hours. And no, I was not meditating. I just stood there, quietly breathing. There were no thoughts in my head whatsoever. My mind was blank. I don't know what the hell these other crackpots are doing.