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‘The Pawnee-Eagleton Tip Off Classic’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: The Pawnee-Eagleton Tip Off Classic

603. The Pawnee-Eagleton Tip Off Classic

Aired October 3, 2013

Leslie, Ben and Chris visit Eagleton to discuss the town's faltering finances with city councilor Ingrid de Forest (guest star Kristin Bell). Meanwhile, Ron wants to get off the grid after receiving a piece of junk mail, and Ann takes April to Bloomington for orientation at the veterinary school.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Who or what is Penny Saver?
Tom: It's a free circular with a bunch of coupons in it.
Ron Swanson: This was sent to Ron Swanson at Diane's address, where I've lived for less than a month. How is that possible? This is an extreme invasion of privacy.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: The right to privacy is very important to me. My family has had a single P.O. box for several generations. We only ever subscribe to two magazines, Reader's Digest and Ebony. Ebony was due to a clerical error, but it ended up being an interesting year of reading.

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Quote from Leslie Knope

Todd: Leslie, you're down 15 points in the latest poll for the recall election. What can you do to make up the deficit?
Leslie Knope: I'll tell you what I'd do if I was an Eagletonian. I'd pop a Xanax and ask my butler to help me out. [laughter] I mean, I'm not saying that Eagletonians are out of touch. But when you tell 'em it's time to change their oil, they ask, "Extra virgin or white truffle?" [laughter] Thanks, guys. I'll see ya at the game. Unless, of course, you're an Eagletonian, and then you'll be too busy polishing your monocle at the caviar store. Knope out. [microphone feedback; laughter]

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Okay, all public photos of me recovered. Nameplate removed from my office door. Pediatrician files confiscated and destroyed. Anything I'm missing?
Tom: Great news, Ron. Jean-Ralphio loves your shirt.
Ron Swanson: What the hell are you talking about?
Tom: Oh, I've been taking pictures of you all day for my new Facebook album: "RonSwan: Gettin' off the grid."
Ron Swanson: Tom, do you maybe see a problem with what you've done?
Tom: I do now. Yes, sorry.
Ron Swanson: Erase. Erase. Erase. [rubs Surface tablet] Erase all pictures of Ron! Erase all pictures of Ron! [video plays:] Erase all pictures of Ron! [talks] What the hell is happening?
Tom: I think you accidentally opened up Vine. You just vined your first selfie, Ron.
Donna: And I'm vining you vine your selfie.
Ron Swanson: The world is a nightmare.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: I don't see what the problem is. I will give you a certain amount of gold in exchange for a recreational vehicle.
Earl: I still need an address for insurance purposes.
Ron Swanson: This will be my new home. The address is wherever it is parked.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Paul, if you ever see another one of these with my name on it, I want you to drive into the woods and bury it.
Paul: I don't decide who gets mail, sir. I just deliver it.
Ron Swanson: Passing the buck, the last refuge of the cowardly and black-hearted.
Paul: That seems harsh.
Ron Swanson: Get out!

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: JJ, a few months ago, I came in here and began eating eggs. They were delicious, so I ordered more. Before long, I believe I had eaten--
JJ: 51 eggs in 20 minutes. Couldn't cook 'em fast enough. The last ten were still in the shell.
Tom: It was a JJ's Diner record, and you took his picture. Now, we need that picture, for privacy reasons.
JJ: Okay, but I don't know how anybody would know it's you. We followed your instructions.
[The caption reads "Man"]
Ron Swanson: That's too much information. Let's go.
Tom: Where are we going now?
Ron Swanson: I've eaten a lot of food in a lot of restaurants. Why is everyone else so bad at eating?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Diane: Where have you been? I had a flat tire, and I've been trying to get in touch with you for hours.
Ron Swanson: Sorry, darling. I've been busy destroying most of my personal effects and threatening a postal worker.
Diane: Ron, I know you value your privacy, but you are a husband and a father now. You can't just roam the streets in an RV and be impossible to find.
Ron Swanson: I'm on a mission to get off the grid.
Diane: Well, you don't have to be entirely on the grid, but have to be on our grid.
Ron Swanson: I suppose you wouldn't consider moving. I've heard the school system in the tunnels beneath Yucca Mountain is adequate.
Diane: I love you, but your solution to every problem is to live inside a mountain.
Ron Swanson: I love you too.

Quote from Ann

Ann: [aside to camera] I helped April get into vet school in Bloomington and today's her orientation, so we're taking a little road trip. While I'm there, I'm also gonna pick up an organic baby blanket. I would get one in Pawnee, but fun fact: our only baby store is attached to a chemical refinery.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ingrid de Forest: Thank you, Leslie, from all of us in Eagleton. Our citizens owe you a debt of gratitude.
Leslie Knope: Well, I think at the end of the day, everybody realizes it's something we have to do.
Ingrid de Forest: On the bright side, we did win the basketball game. I think you owe us some apples. You better pay up.
Leslie Knope: Oh, you don't want them. All of Pawnee's apples have been recalled, G. coli.
Ingrid de Forest: You mean E. coli?
Leslie Knope: I wish. Way easier to treat. Welcome to Pawnee!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Okay, here's the text for your speech. I added a few more jokes, slamming Eagleton at the end.
Leslie Knope: Mmm. That's the sexiest thing you've ever said to me. I'm so glad you're on my team.
Ben: Are you sure you wanna attack 'em at this press conference? It's a friendly wager on a high school basketball game.
Leslie Knope: I'm losing the recall election, Ben. Slamming Eagleton is the easiest way to score some points. Look. Am I proud of it? Yes. Because Eagleton sucks. But is it the classiest move? Yes, because Eagleton sucks. Would I do it again? Yes, because Eagleton sucks.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: As always, we would like to make a friendly wager with Eagleton. If you beat us this year, we will give you a basket of apples from our Pawnee orchard.
Ingrid de Forest: Ew, pesticide. Yuck.
Leslie Knope: Oh, no, these are pesticide-free. I ate one of these for breakfast this morning, and I found a worm in it. So, I bet somebody feels pretty stupid right now.
Ingrid de Forest: Well, Leslie, I think we had similar ideas. If you win, Eagleton will give you this basket of oranges. [chuckles] Of course, it's silly to compare apples and oranges, but what the heck. These are made of Swarovski crystal, and they're worth $700,000.

Quote from Tom

Ron Swanson: I don't know how this was delivered to me, but it cannot happen again. How can I stop it?
Tom: Mm. Donna is great with this sort of thing. She got me off the Williams-Sonoma mailing list, but then I just signed back up again. Hooked on their oven mitts. I need my mitts on those mitts.
Ron Swanson: Let me know the second Donna returns.
Tom: According to her Twitter feed, she got coffee five minutes ago. Wait, now she's Ustreaming her walk back. She should be here in three, two, one.
Both: Hey, hey.
Tom: #QuestForCoffee, blowin' up my timeline. You get my Snapchat about it?
Donna: No.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: People ought to have the right to be left alone. I wanna get completely off the grid.
Donna: That's crazy talk. I live for the grid. It's where I meet 40% of my jump-offs.
Tom: And if you're off the grid, how are you gonna post photos of the dope food at restaurants you're at and all the cool places you're stuntin' in?
Ron Swanson: Food is for eating. Places are for being. End of discussion.
Tom: Don't leave the grid, Ron. The grid is the best.
Donna: If anything, you need to get more on the grid.
Both: [chanting] Grid, grid, grid, grid, grid, grid, grid...
Ron Swanson: If you help me get off the grid, I will let both of you go home early.
Both: No grid, no grid, no grid, no grid.

Quote from April

Ann: All right, so you have everything you need for orientation?
April: Yeah, an empty Sprite can, an old man's fingernail in my pocket, and a picture of Patrick Ewing on a roller coaster. I'm all set.
Ann: Great.
Ann: Hi. My friend here is enrolling in the vet school next month, and she would like to be shown around.
Laura: Totally, happy to. I'm Laura.
April: I'm April Ludgate Kevorkian.
Ann: So you go with Laura, who seems really nice and does not deserve to be tortured. And I will come meet up with you after I finish at the baby store.
April: Sure you wanna leave me here with her? What if I'm a murderer?
Ann: [laughs] Oh, that's funny.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: What does this mean for them?
Ben: They were in financial trouble a few years ago, like Pawnee was, but their government just kept borrowing money. Eagleton is on the brink of an epic financial disaster.
Leslie Knope: Ahh. [kisses Ben] Now that is the sexiest thing you've ever said to me.
Ben: Really, that?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Donna: We got rid of your cell phone. This is your last credit card. Are you sure you want me to cut up this card? It gets you into the parking garage.
Ron Swanson: I'll be taking the bus now, and I'll be paying in cash. What other traces of me exist in the world? Think, people.
Tom: Isn't there a photo of you up at JJ's diner, from that time when you-- aah!
Ron Swanson: Come on, Tom!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Chris: Al right. Uh, Leslie's put together a presentation for a financial recovery.
Ingrid de Forest: Great.
Leslie Knope: You may find it very informative. Let's get started with our first slide. "Well, well, well..." Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Quote from April

April: Hello again. As you remember, I'm April, and this is Ann, my 65-year-old grandmother.
Ann: Yes, that's who I am. Anyway, we'd love to hear about Bloomington. It seems like a real hip kind of college town.
April: Mee-maw, God, no one uses the word hip anymore. Sometimes I wish you went down on the Titanic with all your sorority sisters.
Laura: I would be happy to show you guys around the campus. Is there anything in particular that you wanna see?
April: How are your local graveyards? [whispers] I have some planning to do.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: "You blew it." "Super hard." "Complete buffoonery." "It's hilarious." And "You deserve it."
Ben: Hey, you think you might wanna take it easy on them a little bit?
Leslie Knope: Oh, like they took it easy on us when they stole all our money and seceded from our town?
Ben: That was 200 years ago. Cool it.
Leslie Knope: Fine. I'll skip ahead.
Ingrid de Forest: Do you have a plan that will help us or not? We have borrowed absolutely everything we can from the state. And really, Pawnee is our only hope.
Leslie Knope: We do have a plan. We are willing to provide a bridge loan for $50,000. 25% interest compounded monthly. And you need to release a statement that says that Pawnee rules and Eagleton drools.
Ingrid de Forest: Well, now you're just being nasty. I understand that our towns have a complicated history, but we have a saying in Eagleton... "You don't kick a dressage horse after a failed pas de deux."
Leslie Knope: Whatever, blondie. Your butler made your bed, now you gotta lie in it. And if you walk out that door, none of us here, and I repeat, none of us will ever help you again.
Chris: Oh, my God. They have Michael Buble on retainer.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ingrid de Forest: He's just being a good neighbor. We're in a lot of trouble, Leslie.
Leslie Knope: I don't need any lip from you, okay? You're in trouble because of your own stupidity.
Ingrid de Forest: [scoffs] I have a PhD from the Sorbonne.
Leslie Knope: For what? Wearing Chanel suits?
Ingrid de Forest: There was a fashion component, yes.

Quote from April

Ann: Can we please talk about what happened back there?
April: What, Ann? I just stole your phone and texted every guy in it that the baby was theirs. It's not that big of a deal.
Ann: Listen, I know you don't believe this, but I care about your future. And I'm just a little disappointed that you're just not following through with this.
April: Yeah, it's not about following through, okay? I was on the fence about whether I wanted to do it. And as soon as I got there, I just had a gut feeling that it wasn't right for me, that's all.
Ann: So, just like that, boom--huge life decision made?
April: That's how I make all my life decisions. My gut is always right, okay? It was right about marrying Andy, and it was right when it told me that you would be the worst person I would ever meet in my life. And I've met Guy Fieri, Ann. [chuckles] So gross!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Chris: Good morning. After an all-night strategy session, the towns of Pawnee and Eagleton have come up with a potential solution to Eagleton's budget crisis.
Leslie Knope: The town of Eagleton will be dissolved and re-absorbed into Pawnee. [exclamations]
Pawnee will provide some government services, as well as taking on some of Eagleton's debts. [murmuring, commotion] I understand. Look, I hate Eagletonians as much as you do. I hate their stupid beautiful faces and their stupid shiny hair.
Chris: We looked at every alternative. This is the only scenario that prevents Eagleton's financial crisis from spiraling throughout the entire region.
Chance Frenlm: Eagleton is terrible! Why should I bail them out with the hard-earned money from my unemployment check?
All: Yeah!
Leslie Knope: Because they are our neighbor and they've sprained their ankle. And when your neighbor sprains his ankle, you help him off the court. I understand you have concerns and questions, and we are here to listen to them.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Man: I got something to say.
Leslie Knope: One at a time, please.
Man: I hate the one-at-a-time system!
Herman Lerpiss: Why should we bail them out? No one bailed me out when I got arrested for arson.
Jill: You can't just merge two towns. It's against the rules of nature. What's next-- merging a man with his dog?
Burtram: I live in Eagleton. And frankly, I don't like the idea of living in Pawnee. They're a little-- oh, what's the word? Have-no-money. [exclamations]
Ingrid de Forest: Burtram, that's enough. First of all, Eagleton has no money. Second of all, they are gracious enough to throw us a lifeline, and we should be eternally grateful for their generosity. They're a town of angels. Greasy, denim-clad angels, but angels nonetheless.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, we'll take it.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Donna: I mean, did you steal this from a museum? Maybe find it frozen in ice? It looks like the original phone from the movie Wall Street.
Tom: I think it's just the original phone, period. Ew, gross, it has "buttons."
Diane: Okay, girls, this is a magic phone, okay? Only you and I have got the numbers. So if you ever need Ron for any reason, you just call and he'll be there in a flash.
Ron Swanson: Yes, I will. I'll keep it right here. It snaps right in, snug and secure.
Tom: A cell phone belt clip? No, Ron. Oh, my God!
Donna: Yeah, I can't be seen with you.


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