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‘Donna and Joe’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Donna and Joe

707. Donna and Joe

Aired February 3, 2015

As everyone gathers for Donna and Joe's wedding, April and Andy run interference to keep any Meagle drama from bubbling up. Ron inadvertently tells Lucy how Tom feels about her. Meanwhile, Leslie and Ben get an unexpected proposal from Jennifer Barkley (guest star Kathryn Hahn).

Quote from Jerry

April: Who's Garry?
Jerry: Oh, I think that's supposed to be me.
April: Ha ha. That's your new name. Garry.
Andy: Garry!
All: Garry! Garry! Garry! Garry! Garry!
[aside to camera:]
Jerry: Garry is my real name. Yes, after 30 years, my coworkers are finally going to call me by my real name. Oh, boy, I'm blessed.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: More importantly, do you have tri-tip for tonight? Because if not I brought my own.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I love weddings. Good food, the celebration of romantic love, and most of all, churches. Say what you will about organized religion, those bastards knew how to construct an edifice.

Quote from Donna

Leslie Knope: [gasps] Oh, my God. Oh, look at how beautiful you look.
Donna: Leslie, I'm not even in my dress yet.
Leslie Knope: But you're gonna be very soon.
Donna: All right, I want to say something to my girls. Knope, you're a softie, but on the inside, you're a straight-up boss. April, you're the exact opposite. Y'all inspire me and I love you. And you, too, Michelle. Michelle... You were my best friend from childhood. Until we lost touch 'cause you thought your college boyfriend was into me. He was. I never gave him the time of day. But now, we're rebuilding our friendship. Is this wedding going to be a test for you? Yes. But the doctors once told you you were never going to walk again. So this should be easy, right?
Leslie Knope: Wow, what a complicated tapestry that is.
Donna: Bring it in. Bring it in. Bring it in.

Quote from Ben

Eugene: Ben Wyatt. Any comment on the report that you're running for Congress?
Ben: I'm sorry, I can't talk about this right now.
Eugene: Your only experience in politics was as a failed mayor at age 18--
Ben: Okay, please, everyone, we're at a wedding. And I'm holding zebras.
Eugene: I mean, what qualifies you to take over Hartwell's seat?
Ben: Guys, listen to me, please. I'm dealing with an actual problem right now. Okay? Which, by the way, is what I do for a living. I solve problems as a budget specialist, and for five years as a City Manager, and I'm pretty good at it. I have worked hard to transform this area into a fiscally sound destination for people who want good jobs, and a good public education, and I think the results speak for themselves. [cameras clicking] My name is Ben Wyatt, and I'm running for Congress.
Leslie Knope: Oh, my God, babe, that was so hot.

Quote from Donna

Donna: April, walk with me. So I chose you as my Maid of Honor because you've become one of my best friends, and I love you like a sister.
April: Ew.
Donna: But also because you're tough. My family arrives tonight.
April: I know. And they're all set with their welcome bags, and I told your brother LeVondrious that he is not welcome.
Donna: Good, but still, there's gonna be 28 Meagles in one room, which means there's gonna be drama.
April: I will handle everything. I actually care whether you're having a good time and are happy. It's weird.
[aside to camera:]
Donna: The Meagles are a cold-blooded crew of judgmental grudge-holders. My cousin Winnie once forgot to use a coaster at my grandpa's house, and he wrote her out of his will. The last four Meagle family Pictionary tournaments ended at the hospital. Legally, no more than three Meagles are allowed on an international flight together. But they give great gifts. Gotta get that flatware.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Guys, it happened a really long time ago, right? And it was probably an accident.
Turk: Oh, yeah, I'm sure the Dig Dug machine just unplugged itself right before I was about to beat his high score. Yeah, I'm sure it was an accident.
April: Hey, status report?
Andy: The Meagles are weird. The words that they say sound passive, but seem aggressive. I feel like there should be a term for that. Like, "nicey-meanie."

Quote from Jerry

Gayle: Oh, would you look at that? Sweetie, I think your best friend Tom's giving his ladyfriend a gift.
Jerry: You know Gayle gives me a gift each and every day.
Gayle: Oh, I got the greatest gift of all. Being married to you.
Jerry: Oh, sweetie.
Ron Swanson: Control yourselves, Gergiches!

Quote from Craig

Joe: We're gonna have orchids in all the pews, right? Because orchids are Donna's favorite flowers, and she's my favorite flower.
Donna: Ha ha! We real cute.
Craig: Of course there are gonna be orchids. Do you think this is my first time working a side job as a wedding planner for a former co-worker?
Joe: No?
Craig: I'm so sorry. I mostly have my rage problem under control, but planning is very stressful. Please avoid my trigger words, "flowers," "schedule," "vows," "bride," "groom," "food," "love," "happy," "church," "event," "wedding," and "Craig."
Joe: I am so sorry, Craig. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay. Try this. Tonight, just act like you've decided to run. And then tomorrow at the wedding, act like you've decided not to run. See which one feels better.
Ben: Okay. What do you think I should do?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Ben has to run. I don't want to push it, because it might backfire, but he has to run. He would be good for America, good for the world. Ben should be the Royal Archduke Sultan Emperor of All Inhabitable Lands on Earth!
[back:]
Leslie Knope: I'm completely neutral. I will support you no matter what you do.

Quote from Tom

Tom: You told Lucy I want to marry her?
Ron Swanson: Damn it, son, the small hamburgers.
Tom: Ron! You have to walk back what you said.
Ron Swanson: Walk back sounds like lying.
Tom: Can you drop your strict life codes for a second and help me out? Even though I've known Lucy for years, and can see myself spending a life together with her, having children, walking the grounds of Tommy's Bahama - a private island I'll eventually buy - that's way in the future, man.
Ron Swanson: Don't call me "man."
Tom: That's what you took away from this? [grunts] Don't serve this man. No more food until he fixes his giant disaster he's created.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Uh, hi, Mr. and Mrs. Meagle, I presume?
Albert Meagle: I am Mr. Meagle, but we're divorced.
Grace Callahan: I'm Grace Callahan.
Ben: Well, I'm sorry, Ms. Callahan.
Grace Callahan: It's Doctor Callahan.
Ben: Well, I hope that you are a podiatrist or a dentist, because I seem to have a case of foot-in-mouth disorder. [laughter]

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Lucy, I have something to tell you. I am a liar.
Lucy: What?
Ron Swanson: Well, no, I am not a liar. I have never lied about anything in my life. Though I suppose you could construe camouflage as a lie.
Lucy: What is happening right now?
Ron Swanson: Tom wanted to convey that he likes you a great deal. So he said that he could imagine marrying you. And living on an island with your kids.
Lucy: Wait, now we're on an island? With kids? Plural?
Ron Swanson: Yes. Now, do you know where I can find those little ham balls?

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: Babe, you are killing it!
Ben: I am, right?
Leslie Knope: Yes!
Ben: See, just thinking I'm a congressman makes me feel like one.
Leslie Knope: Yeah.
Ben: Oh, also, I have a little secret. I'm drunk.
Leslie Knope: I am too. Ever since we had our kids, it only takes, like, one sip of wine.
Ben: I feel so good and "condifent."
Leslie Knope: Mm-hmm.
Ben: Con... I feel "condifent."
Leslie Knope: You know what you should do? You should give a toast. Because if you were running for Congress, you have to give speeches, right?
Ben: You want me to make a toast? I'll toast it up.
Leslie Knope: Toast it, baby. Roast it and toast it till it's brown on both sides.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Hey, everybody. I'm Ben Wyatt. Listen, we, of course, are here to celebrate Donna and Joe, and I have to say, you know, getting married is the bravest, most wonderful thing you can do. Because every day you come home and you're just, like, "What? It's you! I love you! You're my sexy roommate. We love each other."
Leslie Knope: Whoo! He's talking about me.
Ben: Yes, I am, babydoll! Look, Donna and Joe are great. You all are great. And this wedding is gonna be amazing. Let's get some music and dancing going. And I am Ben Wyatt, and I very much approve this message! [cheering]

Quote from Ron Swanson

Walden: Ron? I'm Walden, with the Church's historical archives. You called about wanting information on the building?
Ron Swanson: I did, indeed. Let's start with the facade. Was the limestone locally hand-hewn?
Walden: No. In the late 1870s, it was actually cheaper to import limestone from Michigan.
Ron Swanson: Fascinating.

Quote from Craig

Craig: Moment over. Leslie, April, help Donna with her dress.
Typhoon: Hi, I'm Typhoon.
Craig: Typhoon, I am interested, but now is not the time. Michelle, get the bouquet. You're skating on very thin ice.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: I couldn't help but notice, from afar, that you are both acting like weirdoes. I further suspect you have not yet talked about what happened.
Tom: What? I don't even know what you're talking about us having not talked about.
Ron Swanson: I only meant to say that there's no shame in declaring how you feel to a person you cherish. I am sorry if I caused a problem. Because the two of you make a good team. If you'll excuse me, I missed out on the food, and was denied a fascinating conversation about Michigan limestone. But I'll be damned if I don't properly honor the expression of romantic love.

Quote from Donna

Joe: Donna, even though I've known you for years, I feel like I learn something new about you every day. Just yesterday, I learned that the Pearl Jam album, Vitalogy, was written about you. You are an amazing, confident woman. And I love you.
Donna: I know that I can be a lot. And a while back, I was thinking I'd never find someone who loved me for me. But you're patient, and kind, and together, we can do anything.
Reverend Althea Nike: You may now kiss the bride. [cheers and applause]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: How in the world am I supposed to run for office? Our lives are like one big unexpected stuffed zebra emergency. I don't know. What do you think I should do?
Leslie Knope: I told you. I'm neutral.
Ben: Honey, you have never been neutral on anything in your life. You have an opinion on pockets.
Leslie Knope: Yes, I think they should all be bigger. Okay. Fine. I think you should run. Yes, our lives are bonkers. But if something is worth it-- and I think this is-- then you just make it work. Besides, I just read an article on two-minute micro-naps, and the science on them is very promising.

Quote from Donna

Donna: Wyatt, why didn't you tell us you're running for congress?
Leslie Knope: Well, we didn't want to steal your thunder.
Donna: Steal my thunder? I'm sorry, have you seen how I'm wearing this dress?

Quote from Craig

Craig: Everyone, can I have your attention, please. Now it's time for a surprise musical guest, One of my time favorites... me. [band plays "Oh, Donna"] I had a girl Donna was her name

Quote from Donna

Andy: Donna! Joe! I hope you saved a slice of that cake for your estranged brother LeVondrious! [all gasp]
LeVondrious: What's up, girl? Didn't expect to see your baby bro at your wedding, huh? Well, I'm here... despite what you did to me all those years ago.
Donna: What I did? This is because of what you did.
LeVondrious: Oh, you must be referring to the microwave incident.
Donna: Yeah.
LeVondrious: Don't worry. I brought it back. Well. [throws microwave] Now no one gets any popcorn.
April: You said you wanted a little drama.
Donna: That's why I love you, girl!


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