Leslie Knope: Donna, help me out. What makes Pawnee so great?
Donna: Cost of living is cheap. In about three years, I will have saved enough to pay off my condo in Seattle.
Ben: You have a condo in Seattle?
Donna: Yes, I like the rain and the fish markets.

Leslie Knope: Let's do an exercise. April, what makes Pawnee the best city in the world?
April: Easy. Most murders per capita. The guillotine was invented here. City Hall is run by the walrus mafia.

Andy: Good morning, colleagues, co-workers, friends. Everyone feeling normal... today?
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Here's what happened. I left my sweat shirt at Ron's cabin. When I went back to get it, I found this in the trash: Positive pregnancy test. Side note: I accidentally threw my sweat shirt away. That's why I was digging through the trash. Found that too. Pretty cool. So if my science is correct, one of the five women who were at the cabin - Leslie, Donna, Ann, Mona-Lisa, or April - is pregnant! Can't be April. She would've told me. That leaves four suspects. There's only one man for this job: Burt Macklin, FBI. They said I was retired. They said I was too dangerous for the Pawnee Police Department. Turns out they were right... and wrong. Macklin, you son of a bitch.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Thanks to a lot of hard work and some very dedicated civil servants, this has been a banner year for our city. Obesity and diabetes are down. Test scores are up. Pawnee raccoon attacks have decreased. People can now suddenly feel safe in our parks, grocery stores, and hospitals. I am very proud of what we've accomplished. In fact, this forum is kind of my victory lap.

Andy: It's a positive pregnancy test, Tom. I found it outside of Ron's cabin after our brainstorming session. Is there any possibility Mona-Lisa could be pregnant?
Tom: [scoffs] We always use protection... but I'm pretty positive she pokes holes in them. What brand pregnancy test is it?
Ann: It's called "Womb There It Is."
Tom: That's her brand. I'm gonna be a dad? I'm gonna have a baby with Jean-Ralphio's sister? Oh, God. What have I done? Like, to humanity?

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Founder's Week is a yearly celebration of all things Pawnee. We've got a pie-eating contest, a giant petting zoo, and the granddaddy of them all, the Founder's Week parade. I don't wanna over-hype it, but our parade makes the rose bowl parade look like a turds-on-wheels convention.

Tom: Whoa! Darren! Slow down! That sweat suit's not for sweatin' in, okay? This is crushed velvet. If you go at more than a brisk walk, it will fall apart. [cut] This looks dope. Let's pay for it.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Business is booming. If it keeps up like this, I would leave the Parks Department and do Rent-A-Swag full-time, maybe even expand. I could add a baby section over there, call it "Li'l Swaggers." I could add some old people stuff, call it "Rent-A-Sag." Ugh, no. Old people are gross.

Leslie Knope: Okay, everyone. Look in your folders. You will find information about Founder's Week. And before we start brainstorming, I just wanna thank Ron for lending us his cabin.
Ron Swanson: Lending? Makes it sound like I had a choice in the matter. I never should've agreed to this or let you know that I have a cabin or gotten to know any of you.
Leslie Knope: That's the spirit.

Chris: Hello, fellow Pawneeans. As you know, the Founder's Week festivities kick off tomorrow. Um, one small announcement: Due to a tragic misunderstanding, the prettiest pig beauty pageant has been replaced by a pork rib barbecue competition. Oh, no.

Leslie Knope: I am here today to ask you one question. Are you better off now than you were a year ago? Who'd like to start? Uh-oh.
Kathryn Pinewood: Kathryn Pinewood, Pawnee Restaurant Association. This town is not better off. This past year has been a disaster, and this government is hell-bent on stripping away our most basic personal freedoms.
Ben: Okay, counterpoint.
Leslie Knope: Ms. Pinewood, I've never stripped away anyone's freedoms. I simply stopped a restaurant from serving an insane 500-ounce soda to its customers, which only made our citizens healthier. And frankly, I don't see any of those citizens standing up and complaining abo-- [indistinct chatter] Okay. Now, I see them.