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‘Are You Better Off?’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Are You Better Off?

522. Are You Better Off?

Aired May 2, 2013

As Leslie wraps up her first year on city council, she learns that not every resident is happy with what she's done over the twelve months. Meanwhile, Andy brings back Bert Macklin to investigate the case of a positive pregnancy test found in Ron's cabin.

Quote from Donna

Leslie Knope: Donna, help me out. What makes Pawnee so great?
Donna: Cost of living is cheap. In about three years, I will have saved enough to pay off my condo in Seattle.
Ben: You have a condo in Seattle?
Donna: Yes, I like the rain and the fish markets.

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Quote from April

Leslie Knope: Let's do an exercise. April, what makes Pawnee the best city in the world?
April: Easy. Most murders per capita. The guillotine was invented here. City Hall is run by the walrus mafia.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Good morning, colleagues, co-workers, friends. Everyone feeling normal... today?
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Here's what happened. I left my sweat shirt at Ron's cabin. When I went back to get it, I found this in the trash: Positive pregnancy test. Side note: I accidentally threw my sweat shirt away. That's why I was digging through the trash. Found that too. Pretty cool. So if my science is correct, one of the five women who were at the cabin - Leslie, Donna, Ann, Mona-Lisa, or April - is pregnant! Can't be April. She would've told me. That leaves four suspects. There's only one man for this job: Burt Macklin, FBI. They said I was retired. They said I was too dangerous for the Pawnee Police Department. Turns out they were right... and wrong. Macklin, you son of a bitch.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Thanks to a lot of hard work and some very dedicated civil servants, this has been a banner year for our city. Obesity and diabetes are down. Test scores are up. Pawnee raccoon attacks have decreased. People can now suddenly feel safe in our parks, grocery stores, and hospitals. I am very proud of what we've accomplished. In fact, this forum is kind of my victory lap.

Quote from Tom

Andy: It's a positive pregnancy test, Tom. I found it outside of Ron's cabin after our brainstorming session. Is there any possibility Mona-Lisa could be pregnant?
Tom: [scoffs] We always use protection... but I'm pretty positive she pokes holes in them. What brand pregnancy test is it?
Ann: It's called "Womb There It Is."
Tom: That's her brand. I'm gonna be a dad? I'm gonna have a baby with Jean-Ralphio's sister? Oh, God. What have I done? Like, to humanity?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Founder's Week is a yearly celebration of all things Pawnee. We've got a pie-eating contest, a giant petting zoo, and the granddaddy of them all, the Founder's Week parade. I don't wanna over-hype it, but our parade makes the rose bowl parade look like a turds-on-wheels convention.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Whoa! Darren! Slow down! That sweat suit's not for sweatin' in, okay? This is crushed velvet. If you go at more than a brisk walk, it will fall apart. [cut] This looks dope. Let's pay for it.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Business is booming. If it keeps up like this, I would leave the Parks Department and do Rent-A-Swag full-time, maybe even expand. I could add a baby section over there, call it "Li'l Swaggers." I could add some old people stuff, call it "Rent-A-Sag." Ugh, no. Old people are gross.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Okay, everyone. Look in your folders. You will find information about Founder's Week. And before we start brainstorming, I just wanna thank Ron for lending us his cabin.
Ron Swanson: Lending? Makes it sound like I had a choice in the matter. I never should've agreed to this or let you know that I have a cabin or gotten to know any of you.
Leslie Knope: That's the spirit.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Hello, fellow Pawneeans. As you know, the Founder's Week festivities kick off tomorrow. Um, one small announcement: Due to a tragic misunderstanding, the prettiest pig beauty pageant has been replaced by a pork rib barbecue competition. Oh, no.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I am here today to ask you one question. Are you better off now than you were a year ago? Who'd like to start? Uh-oh.
Kathryn Pinewood: Kathryn Pinewood, Pawnee Restaurant Association. This town is not better off. This past year has been a disaster, and this government is hell-bent on stripping away our most basic personal freedoms.
Ben: Okay, counterpoint.
Leslie Knope: Ms. Pinewood, I've never stripped away anyone's freedoms. I simply stopped a restaurant from serving an insane 500-ounce soda to its customers, which only made our citizens healthier. And frankly, I don't see any of those citizens standing up and complaining abo-- [indistinct chatter] Okay. Now, I see them.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Ms. Pinewood, Leslie's public health initiative has been a huge success. Pawnee is no longer the fourth most obese city in America. We're now ninth.
Chris: Together, as a town, we lost an amount of weight equal to 800 pregnant manatees.
Leslie Knope: A gym opened, and it stayed in business. And people checking into the E.R. after ingesting a whole candy wrapper is down 40%.
Kathryn Pinewood: But where will it end? Now, you wanna rob our children of fun by attacking the Sweetums school lunch program, literally taking candy from babies.
Leslie Knope: Those school lunches are incredibly unhealthy. You somehow convinced the school board that napkins are a vegetable.
Kathryn Pinewood: They're made from plants. Stop restricting our freedoms. [applause]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Bjorn Lerpiss: Bjorn Lerpiss of the Pawnee Lerpiss family. There was supposed to be a Paunch Burger in this lot next to my house. And then, you stripped my freedom by putting a park there. Now, if I wanna start my day off with a triple-decker pancake breakfast pizza, I gotta go to the one that's 10 minutes away, and that makes me 20 minutes late to work every day. I work at home.
Chris: Have you ever considered not eating that for breakfast?
Bjorn Lerpiss: I'll never consider that.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: This feels strangely personal. Maybe it's because they're all standing up saying how much they hate me as a person.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Marshall Langman: Listen, my wife and I do not feel that we're better off than a year ago because a year ago, this town was not a horrifying ssx den where people could put their body parts anywhere they want with impunity.
Marcia Langman: And then, you were elected. And now, this town a horrifying sex den where people can put their body parts anywhere they want to with impunity.
Marshall Langman: Yeah.
Leslie Knope: If you are referring to my fight to teach comprehensive sex education, you need to at least acknowledge the fact that STDs are down 14% from last year.
Marshall Langman: And deviant behavior in Pawnee is up a billion percent!
Leslie Knope: No, it's-- no, it's--
Marshall Langman: This town is going to hell in a Gucci knock-off handbag, girl. [applause] See? See? They agree. Come on.

Quote from Donna

Tom: Investors, I have some very exciting news about Rent-A-Swag. Someone - I'm not saying Diddy, but I'm not not saying Diddy - has offered to buy out Rent-A-Swag for a buttload of money.
Ron Swanson: How big a buttload, son?
Tom: We would all basically double our investments.
Donna: Are you kidding me? Sell, baby. Imagine the kind of treat-yourself day we could have with the profits. I'm talking pedicures on pedicures on pedicures.
Tom: That is appealing.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: If someone is interested in buying you out, it means you're doing something right. I say you continue to grow, accumulate power, find this investor, and buy his business to teach him a lesson.

Quote from April

Tom: April, what do you think?
April: I thought about this a lot. I actually think that you should get a "Hello Kitty" tattoo.
Tom: No, with the store.
April: Oh. Uh, burn it for the insurance money.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: I don't like seeing you like this.
Leslie Knope: I've never felt this way before. Maybe I should just quit. Maybe we should both quit, and we should move to the Bahamas, live on a beach, catch fish with homemade spears.
Ben: Yeah, you'd last about 30 seconds with that work. When we went to Hawaii, you woke me up at 3:00 A.M. to watch Meet the Press.
Leslie Knope: Well, it was Elizabeth Warren. Like, I'm not going to watch that live?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Thank you all for coming. As most of you probably know, there is a large committee that has announced plans to recall me from office. My response to them is this: Bring it on. Step up. Step Up 2: The Streets. I'm sorry, my adrenaline is pumping, so all I can think of is dance movie titles. Stomp the Yard. There's one. Look, I work very hard for this town, as hard as I can, and all that matters to me is whether or not everyone here thinks that they are better off now than they were a year ago. I think you are. If you disagree with me, then go ahead and recall me. Go crazy. You Got Served. Silver Linings Playbook, kind of.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: The committee says they plan to push for a recall vote within two months. Do you have a comment on that?
Leslie Knope: Nope. Again, all I really care about is are you better off?
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: I think I'm better off. I haven't had a date in a while, but I'm learning a lot about me.
Leslie Knope: Well, I wasn't asking you specifically, but I'm happy to hear that, Shauna. So, in conclusion, recall, shmecall. No, I can't end my big press conference by saying "Recall, shmecall." That's ridiculous. Ben, can you help me out here?
Ben: That concludes councilwoman Knope's press conference. And if you have any further questions... [overlapping questions] hold on to them, because she has a lot of work to do.
Leslie Knope: Thanks, honey. Honey. That's another dance movie with Jessica Alba.

Quote from April

Andy: [laughing] My wife is pregnant!
April: Okay, put me down.
Andy: Hey, you can't keep it from me. I found the pregnancy test, honey.
April: Honey, I'm not pregnant, okay? And if I were, you shouldn't lift me up.
Andy: Wait, are you sure you're not?
April: Yeah. We've talked about this. Remember? I wanna wait until we're 50 and then adopt a set of creepy adult twins from Romania.
Andy: Oh, yeah. Of course.
April: Actually, there is something I need to tell you.
Andy: [gasps] You're pregnant.
April: No.
Andy: No! We just ruled that out.


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