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‘94 Meetings’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: 94 Meetings

221. 94 Meetings

Aired April 29, 2010

Ron needs help after April schedules 93 meetings for him in one day. Meanwhile, Leslie is upset when a beauty queen attempts to do unauthorized renovation on a Pawnee landmark.

Quote from April

Man: Excuse me. I had a meeting with Ron Swanson yesterday, but I had a little car trouble.
April: Sorry, he's busy right now.
Man: Oh. Uh, well. Well, can I reschedule?
April: Sure. Hmm. How about June 50th?
Man: Sorry?
April: Do you think you could come back today at 2:65? He's available then.
Man: What is going on?
April: Looks like the only other day he has open is March-tember one-teenth. Does that work, sir? [phone rings; April hangs up]

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Quote from Andy

April: Hey. Brought you coffee. Help you get through the day.
Andy: Thanks, dude.
April: No problem, lady. [Andy drinks the coffee] I'm gonna go. Okay.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: April is the best. But she's 20. When April was born, I was already in 3rd grade. Which means if we were friends back then, I'd have been hanging out with a baby. I don't know anything about infant care. My God, I could've killed her.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Jessica Wicks! Hey, boo. Are you aging in reverse 'cause you look barely legal?
Jessica Wicks: Tom Haverford. If you're not the most charming man in Indiana.
Tom: And this must be the luckiest man in Indiana. Sir, it is an honor to meet you. [holds hand out; awkwardly hugs Nick Newport, Sr.] Come here, you.
Nick Newport, Sr.: Tell me straight. Are you a Chinese?
Tom: No. I'm one of the Indian people.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: That floppy old bag of money is gonna be dead in, like, a month. And who's going to comfort Jessica and her millions of dollars? Yeah, Jessica's a gold digger, but I'm a gold digger digger.

Quote from Ann

Ann: Now, I have to tell you, I don't actually work in the Parks Department. I'm a nurse.
Man: Seriously? That's great news. I have the weirdest thing on my arm. Can you see this?
Ann: [to camera] Every time.

Quote from April

April: Hey. Good morning.
Ron Swanson: Why are there six people outside who say they're waiting to meet with me?
April: So you know how you love me because you haven't had a single meeting with anyone since I became your assistant? That's because every time someone calls and requests a meeting with you, I always schedule it for March 31st.
Ron Swanson: Why?
April: Because I didn't think March 31st existed. [sings] 30 days has September, April, March, and November
Ron Swanson: June and November. Today is March 31st.
April: I know.

Quote from April

Woman: There's no way this ordinance goes through. There's too much red tape.
April: Mm. This gridlock drives me nuts.
Woman: Tell me about it.
April: Yeah, I think you're gonna have to make an end run, you know? Go right to the commissioner on this one.
Woman: You know what, I hadn't thought of that. That is a really great idea.
April: Yeah?
Woman: I'm gonna do that.
April: Okay. Your last resort is probably gonna be city council.
Woman: Good luck there. [chuckles]
April: Yeah, my thoughts exactly.
[aside to camera:]
April: I have no idea what I was saying.

Quote from April

Man: I thought I was having this meeting with Ron Swanson.
April: I'm afraid that Ron Swanson's currently dead.
Man: Oh.
April: I'm his daughter. April Swanson. And it's his last wish that I have this meeting with you.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] History is important. You just can't go around changing everything all the time or else next thing you know they'll be painting the White House... Not white. I'm so angry, I can't think of another color. Green.

Quote from Andy

Woman: There are eight swings at Ramsett Park and every single one of them is broken. Can you please just fix one of them?
[aside to camera:]
Andy: Ron told me I can't say yes to anything. But it's such a reasonable request, I can't just say no.
[back:]
Andy: [crackling exhale]
Woman: So that's a "yes"?
Andy: [warbling tone]
Woman: Just say out loud "yes" or "no".
Andy: Eeeeeee-boop!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Mark: Leslie, can I run something by you really quick?
Leslie Knope: Sure, I love having things run by me.
Mark: I feel like you're being sarcastic right now.
Leslie Knope: No, no, I'm not. genuinely love it. Run it by me. Go ahead. Go go go.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: Why don't you take as many as you can and I'll cover the rest?
Leslie Knope: I have a better idea. Why don't I try to rustle up seven more meetings 'cause I think it would be cooler If there were an even 100.
Ron Swanson: Just- Why don't we just stick to these 93 and see how it goes.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, okay.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: This is the perfect distraction for me. Okay, so I have everything I need, right? I have a fresh cup of coffee, comfy, fur-lined boots.
Tom: I'm gonna need those boots back by the end of the day.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, no problem. They're actually a little narrow for me.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Bill Haggardy: Bill Haggardy, Pawnee historical society. I'm supposed to be meeting with Ron Swanson.
Leslie Knope: I understand that. He's tied up right now.
Bill Haggardy: What a shocker. I've been trying to meet with him three months and now he's not available. It's probably too late now, but, uh, some rich woman, Jessica Wicks, has rented out Turnbill Mansion for a party and she's making alterations.
Leslie Knope: "Alterations"?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Turnbill Mansion is one of the most beloved historical sites in Pawnee. In 1867, the progressive Reverend Turnbill officiated a wedding between a white woman and a Wamapoke Indian chief. The secret ceremony was beautiful and romantic. But then word got out and the reception was a bloodbath. Fortunately, there were two survivors. Unfortunately, they were both horses.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Tom, I'll meet you at the car.
Ron Swanson: Where the hell are you going? We have 91 more meetings.
Leslie Knope: I'm sorry, Ron. As much as I would like to go for the all-time, City Hall single day meetings record, there is an emergency. Someone is trying to alter a gazebo.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Oh, hey, Ann. Sorry I can't hang out. I kind of have an emergency.
Ann: Oh, I'm actually here to see mark.
Leslie Knope: Right. Oh, well, thanks for the coffee.
Ann: That's also for Mark.
Leslie Knope: Mm. I really need it though. But next time more sugar. Okay, thanks. Bye!

Quote from April

April: Um, do you want me to postpone the rest? Or I could set myself on fire and create a diversion.
Ron Swanson: No. I'm gonna do all of these today. Round up whoever's free. I'm gonna need more Ron Swansons.

Quote from Andy

Ron Swanson: Right, now the four of us are going to divvy up all these meetings. Just make 'em feel like they've been heard. Understood?
Andy: Yes, sir. Burt Macklin, FBI, on the case.
Ron Swanson: April, you take Leslie's office. Andy, you're in the conference room. Ann, take your meetings in the courtyard. Just sit there and don't ruin the city. Dismissed.
Ron Swanson: What are you doing?
Andy: Can I get a badge?

Quote from Andy

Woman: I represent the Ultimate Frisbee League.
Andy: Pawnee has an ultimate league?
Woman: Yes. And we keep running into conflicts-
Andy: You won me over. I will join your team.
Woman: I'm sorry, um, what we need-
Andy: When does practice start? And do you provide the jerseys? What color are the jerseys by the way? What's our team name? Are we "The Lightning"?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Well, thank God you haven't torn down the gazebo yet.
Jessica Wicks: Ugh. Don't remind me. The demolition people couldn't get here until this afternoon. I've had to look at that ugly thing all day long.
Leslie Knope: Ugly thing? Let me tell you a little something about this ugly thing, ma'am. 150 years ago, an interracial couple was married here and then slaughtered by their own families. It's one of the most beautiful stories in Pawnee's history. Why are you trying to destroy it?
Jessica Wicks: Don't tell me about Pawnee history. The Newports made this town. And tonight, we're going to celebrate his 85th birthday without this mushy, old, pile of rot.
Leslie Knope: Your husband's a mushy, old, pile of rot.
Jessica Wicks: You were a stick in the mud when we judged that beauty pageant and you're being a stick in the mud now!
Leslie Knope: I am not a stick in the mud! I-I just want to stop a party from happening.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Ron, I have a gazebo update so ignore all my previous voicemails and emails.
Ron Swanson: Uh, Leslie, I haven't relieved myself in five hours. So if you'll excuse me. [enters men's room]
Leslie Knope: Ron, I'm sorry, but this can't wait. [enters men's room] Jessica Wicks refuses--
Ron Swanson: [o.s.] Leslie, what the [bleep]?
Councilman Howser: [o.s.] Hey! Miss Knope!
Leslie Knope: [o.s.] Councilman Howser! Nice to see you again. Not that I saw anything other than your face. And I would like to talk to you a little bit about this gazebo thing. You know, the p- Okay. Okay.
Ron Swanson: Enough of this. Do whatever you want. Alert the media. Call FEMA. I don't care. Do not bother me with this again.
Councilman Howser: Miss Knope.
Leslie Knope: Councilman Howser. I saw your penis.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: How we doing?
Andy: Pretty good. I may have promised a new aquatic center to somebody. Is that a problem?
Ann: I diagnosed two melanomas. They're both benign.
Ron Swanson: How many more meetings?
April: Twenty.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: April was supposed to be the moat that kept the citizen barbarians away from Swanson Castle. Instead, she blew up the castle and stabbed me in the face.
[back:]
Ron Swanson: I hired you to do one thing. Just one. I don't care that you text all day and sleep at your desk. In fact, I encourage it. But only because you were doing that one thing... [shouting] Keeping this crap off my desk! Give me five minutes before the next one.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Thank you for meeting me here.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Sure. What's up?
Leslie Knope: Okay, I need you to get this word for word.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: It's a tape recorder so it will.
Leslie Knope: [dramatically] Gazebo? More like "Ga-zoinks-Bo." She may be a former beauty queen, but today she's the king of destroying history.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Okay, could you just, maybe, talk normally?
Leslie Knope: Okay, fine. Ga-zoinks-Bo. Jessica Wicks is throwing a birthday party for her husband, Nick Newport, Sr., at the Turnbill Mansion tonight.
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. Nick Newport, Sr. is the former CEO of Sweetums.
Leslie Knope: So?
Shauna Malwae-Tweep: Sweetums owns the Pawnee Journal.
Leslie Knope: Crap on the cob.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Tom, stop him! Jump in front of it! Sacrifice your tiny body! Really thought that gate would open in the middle.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Sorry if I ruined your evening.
Ann: Leslie, it's totally fine.
Leslie Knope: I chained myself to a gate.
Ann: I can see that.
Mark: Are you okay?
Leslie Knope: Nothing's bruised but my ego. And my arm a little from the mechanized gate.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Thanks again for letting me take those meetings today. I've never really had a meeting before. They're awesome.
Ron Swanson: You're welcome.
Andy: Hey, have you seen April around? She usually comes by at the end of the day.
Ron Swanson: You might want to check her house. She quit on me.
Andy: What? Why?
Ron Swanson: She screwed up my entire life today.
Andy: That was one mistake. She's perfect for you. Come on. There's no one in the world who's gonna do a better job for you than April. Either you hire her back or I quit.
Ron Swanson: You don't work for me.
Andy: And I never will, sir. Good day. [resumes shining Ron's shoes]

Quote from April

April: Why are you here?
Ron Swanson: Come back to work.
April: No.
Ron Swanson: Come back. I want you to come back.
April: Well, I don't want to come back. The end.
Ron Swanson: I was talking to Andy about you. And he made me realize that I need you back at work.
April: What did he say?
Ron Swanson: Don't recall.
April: Fine. I'll come back.
Ron Swanson: Good. Okay. I'm leaving. Bye, Zuzu. [opens door]
April: Bye, Duke Silver. [Ron closes the door] My mom has all your albums. I recognized you the day we met.
Ron Swanson: Have you told anyone?
April: No.
Ron Swanson: Good girl.


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