Andy: E, h, 4, m. Potato shape. Coffee mug shape. Smudge, smudge, middle finger, smudge. The rest are all smudges.
April: Oh, my God, you drove us here.

April: Hey, Ann, are you still a nurse or did they fire you because you slept with all the doctors?
Ann: You wanna try that again?
April: Hey, Ann, are you still a nurse? Because Andy's not feeling well.
Ann: What's wrong, Andy?
Andy: Just got a headache. And I'm seeing double. And I got a song stuck in my head, and my teeth hurt. Also I'm hungry.
Ann: Okay, well, some of those things are symptoms and some of them are just being a person.

Ben: It's not a negative ad. We're stating facts about him, and, yeah, they happen to be negative because he's a bonehead.
Leslie Knope: Well, I wanted to run an ad that highlights the good things about me, not the bad things about somebody else. Tom, you are our communications director. Weigh in here.
Tom: Leslie, I love your idea. I also love your idea. Two great ideas, two great people.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I don't know which idea's better, but I do know I'll end up on the winning side. When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses.

Dr. Harris: So, Andy, tell me what happened.
Andy: I was reading an encyclopedia, and I tripped or "fell over" and hit my head or brain helmet.
April: Yeah, he sneezed and smacked his head against the wall.
Dr. Harris: That sounds about right. Well, if it's a concussion it's extremely mild, so I wouldn't worry about it. Anything else bothering you?
Andy: Nope.
Dr. Harris: Okay.
Andy: Well, I mean, yeah, I've got a weird rash in my knee pit area. And my tongue, on this side, doesn't taste anything anymore. Sometimes when I walk my ankles make, like, a weird rattlesnake sound. What else? Things that are far away from my eyes are fuzzy. I once at a Twix with the wrapper on it, and I've never seen the wrapper come out. Also I've swallowed every piece of gum that I've chewed for the past 25 years.
April: Andy!
Andy: I don't know. I broke my thumb on the way over here. Just fix me.
Dr. Harris: Well, I can help you with the thumb. And I'll have to give you referrals for specialists for the other thousand things.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemens, the next city councilor for the great city of Pawnee Bobby Newport. [applause]
Bobby Newport: Hey. Thanks, guy. Hi, I'm Bobby Newport. You know, we're two days into this campaign, and so far it's going great. In fact, I don't know why they call it a "cam-pain." Because up until now it's been a "cam-pleasure." [laughter] All right, hey, why don't we line up for autographs and free Bobby bars. Huh? Who wants a Bobby bar?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Bobby Newport, heir to the Sweetums candy fortune. He just entered the race, and he's already 70 points up in all the polls. He is attractive and charming. And his family employs half the town, but so what? I am a lifelong government bureaucrat who's well-versed in the issues. And those are the kind of sexy qualifications that win elections.

Ann: Well, I can help you with cuts and bruises but the other stuff you're gonna have to see a real doctor.
April: Hey, smart ass, we can't afford it.
Ann: Hey, smart ass, yes, you can. You have insurance.
Andy: Neither of your asses are that smart because insurance is for if something bad happens to your car. P.S. I haven't had it in years.
Ann: Oh, my God, we used to live together.
Andy: Aw. Yeah, you still got it for me.

Leslie Knope: Okay, everybody, I need big smiles from you. We're making a positive ad here. So just think of this as Christmas and your birthday and the first day of school all rolled up into one.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Positive is always better than negative. Barack Obama said, "Yes we can," and now he's president. Ben says, "No we shouldn't," and now he's working for his girlfriend.

Chris: Ron Swanson. How are you?
Ron Swanson: Present.
Chris: I have a meeting at public works, and I was thinking that maybe you might wanna sit in.
Ron Swanson: Why would you think that?
Chris: They are working on a number of fascinating, big-budget projects...
Ron Swanson: I'm very busy here.
Chris: That I am being forced to brutally cut entirely.
Ron Swanson: I can make room in my schedule.
Chris: Wonderful. As you know, I'm not a big fan of delivering bad news.
Ron Swanson: Chris, it would be my absolute pleasure. Have you considered cutting the entire fire department? I have personally put out several local fires at no cost to the taxpayer.

Bobby Newport: [on campaign video] I'm Bobby Newport. My family owns nine square miles of land in this town. And isn't my family what this town's really about? Vote Bobby Newport for city council.
Ann: That guy is everywhere.
Donna: I am not complaining.
Leslie Knope: Well, we have to find a way to beat him. And luckily Ben is going to announce the most amazing campaign strategy ever thought of in the entire history of western democracy. Go, Ben, here's your great idea. We're all ready for it. And start.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I'm running for office. I'm surrounded by my friends. My campaign manager and I are in love. This is exactly how I dreamed it would be when I was a kid. Except I wasn't 70 points behind and my campaign manager was Mr. Belvedere.

Leslie Knope: [on video] Hi, I'm Leslie Knope. I'm pro-parks, pro-public safety, and I'm pro-clean water. I'm also pro-environmental regulation, and I'm very, very pro-local propositions 45, 86, and 102f. But most of all, I'm pro-Pawnee. Here are some other things that I'm pro. As you can see, I'm in favor of a lot of things, like hot dogs. Right, Charlie? [v.o.] I'm Leslie Knope, and I approve this message.