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‘Campaign Ad’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Campaign Ad

412. Campaign Ad

Aired January 19, 2012

Leslie and Ben disagree over what type of campaign ad to run against her opponent, Bobby Newport (guest star Paul Rudd). Meanwhile, Chris tries to befriend Ron, and Andy finally seeks medical attention.

Quote from Andy

Andy: E, h, 4, m. Potato shape. Coffee mug shape. Smudge, smudge, middle finger, smudge. The rest are all smudges.
April: Oh, my God, you drove us here.

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Quote from Andy

April: Hey, Ann, are you still a nurse or did they fire you because you slept with all the doctors?
Ann: You wanna try that again?
April: Hey, Ann, are you still a nurse? Because Andy's not feeling well.
Ann: What's wrong, Andy?
Andy: Just got a headache. And I'm seeing double. And I got a song stuck in my head, and my teeth hurt. Also I'm hungry.
Ann: Okay, well, some of those things are symptoms and some of them are just being a person.

Quote from Tom

Ben: It's not a negative ad. We're stating facts about him, and, yeah, they happen to be negative because he's a bonehead.
Leslie Knope: Well, I wanted to run an ad that highlights the good things about me, not the bad things about somebody else. Tom, you are our communications director. Weigh in here.
Tom: Leslie, I love your idea. I also love your idea. Two great ideas, two great people.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: I don't know which idea's better, but I do know I'll end up on the winning side. When I bet on horses, I never lose. Why? I bet on all the horses.

Quote from Andy

Dr. Harris: So, Andy, tell me what happened.
Andy: I was reading an encyclopedia, and I tripped or "fell over" and hit my head or brain helmet.
April: Yeah, he sneezed and smacked his head against the wall.
Dr. Harris: That sounds about right. Well, if it's a concussion it's extremely mild, so I wouldn't worry about it. Anything else bothering you?
Andy: Nope.
Dr. Harris: Okay.
Andy: Well, I mean, yeah, I've got a weird rash in my knee pit area. And my tongue, on this side, doesn't taste anything anymore. Sometimes when I walk my ankles make, like, a weird rattlesnake sound. What else? Things that are far away from my eyes are fuzzy. I once at a Twix with the wrapper on it, and I've never seen the wrapper come out. Also I've swallowed every piece of gum that I've chewed for the past 25 years.
April: Andy!
Andy: I don't know. I broke my thumb on the way over here. Just fix me.
Dr. Harris: Well, I can help you with the thumb. And I'll have to give you referrals for specialists for the other thousand things.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemens, the next city councilor for the great city of Pawnee Bobby Newport. [applause]
Bobby Newport: Hey. Thanks, guy. Hi, I'm Bobby Newport. You know, we're two days into this campaign, and so far it's going great. In fact, I don't know why they call it a "cam-pain." Because up until now it's been a "cam-pleasure." [laughter] All right, hey, why don't we line up for autographs and free Bobby bars. Huh? Who wants a Bobby bar?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Bobby Newport, heir to the Sweetums candy fortune. He just entered the race, and he's already 70 points up in all the polls. He is attractive and charming. And his family employs half the town, but so what? I am a lifelong government bureaucrat who's well-versed in the issues. And those are the kind of sexy qualifications that win elections.

Quote from Andy

Ann: Well, I can help you with cuts and bruises but the other stuff you're gonna have to see a real doctor.
April: Hey, smart ass, we can't afford it.
Ann: Hey, smart ass, yes, you can. You have insurance.
Andy: Neither of your asses are that smart because insurance is for if something bad happens to your car. P.S. I haven't had it in years.
Ann: Oh, my God, we used to live together.
Andy: Aw. Yeah, you still got it for me.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Okay, everybody, I need big smiles from you. We're making a positive ad here. So just think of this as Christmas and your birthday and the first day of school all rolled up into one.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Positive is always better than negative. Barack Obama said, "Yes we can," and now he's president. Ben says, "No we shouldn't," and now he's working for his girlfriend.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: Ron Swanson. How are you?
Ron Swanson: Present.
Chris: I have a meeting at public works, and I was thinking that maybe you might wanna sit in.
Ron Swanson: Why would you think that?
Chris: They are working on a number of fascinating, big-budget projects...
Ron Swanson: I'm very busy here.
Chris: That I am being forced to brutally cut entirely.
Ron Swanson: I can make room in my schedule.
Chris: Wonderful. As you know, I'm not a big fan of delivering bad news.
Ron Swanson: Chris, it would be my absolute pleasure. Have you considered cutting the entire fire department? I have personally put out several local fires at no cost to the taxpayer.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Bobby Newport: [on campaign video] I'm Bobby Newport. My family owns nine square miles of land in this town. And isn't my family what this town's really about? Vote Bobby Newport for city council.
Ann: That guy is everywhere.
Donna: I am not complaining.
Leslie Knope: Well, we have to find a way to beat him. And luckily Ben is going to announce the most amazing campaign strategy ever thought of in the entire history of western democracy. Go, Ben, here's your great idea. We're all ready for it. And start.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I'm running for office. I'm surrounded by my friends. My campaign manager and I are in love. This is exactly how I dreamed it would be when I was a kid. Except I wasn't 70 points behind and my campaign manager was Mr. Belvedere.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [on video] Hi, I'm Leslie Knope. I'm pro-parks, pro-public safety, and I'm pro-clean water. I'm also pro-environmental regulation, and I'm very, very pro-local propositions 45, 86, and 102f. But most of all, I'm pro-Pawnee. Here are some other things that I'm pro. As you can see, I'm in favor of a lot of things, like hot dogs. Right, Charlie? [v.o.] I'm Leslie Knope, and I approve this message.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Bobby Newport: How's it going? I'm Bobby Newport. But you probably knew that already.
Leslie Knope: Well, Mr. Newport, we meet at last. I'm Leslie Knope.
Bobby Newport: Ah, okeydoke. So do you want me to sign that to Miss Lope or just Nesney?
Leslie Knope: What? No. Leslie's fine. Leslie?
Ben: Yeah, Miss Knope is a candidate for city council. Been calling your office trying to set up a debate.
Bobby Newport: Oh, no, you guys are wrong. I'm running unopposed. [to body guards] I'm pretty sure I'm running unopposed, right?
Leslie Knope: No, you're not running unopposed.
Bobby Newport: Oh, terrific. I love meeting people. I love it, yeah. What do you guys do?
Leslie Knope: We just told you. We're gonna be running for city council.
Bobby Newport: Great. Here, have a Bobby bar. Go ahead, my dad made 'em.

Quote from Andy

Ann: Did you hit your head? No.
Ann: Oh, yes, technically I did smash my head area into the wall area.
April: Yeah, he was hanging up his gold record.
[flashback to Andy sneezing while he's about to hammer a nail into the wall, hitting his head:]
April: Oh, my God, are you okay?
Andy: Yeah, I'm good. [hits hammer into wall and falls off chair]
[present:]
Andy: Point is, I have a gold record.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: Thank you, John, for coming in. The public works department is wonderful, and you are the best idea man in the business.
Ron Swanson: Also, we're cancelling all of your ongoing projects.
John: What? What about the Pawnee River dam?
Ron Swanson: Dam's dead. Have a nice day.
John: Where will all the water go?
Ron Swanson: Wherever it's headed now. The important thing is the dam is never happening and your dream has been crushed.
Chris: We're very sorry.
Ron Swanson: I am not. Good meeting. [whistles cheerily]

Quote from April

April: [aside to camera] We made, like, 100 million doctors' appointments for ourselves in one day. After this we won't have to go to the doctor for, like, ten years, because we're smart.
[Andy throws a ball at the wall, which bounces back and hits him in the face, knocking him to the ground]

Quote from Tom

Tom: I gotta admit, his hair game's on point. Gotta find out what kind of product he puts up in his "herr."

Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: Ron Swanson! I want to thank you for being so ruthless and cruel in the meeting the other day.
Ron Swanson: You'll have to be more specific.
Chris: With the public works department about the dam.
Ron Swanson: Ah.
Chris: What do you say I take you to lunch and then we can talk about all the projects that you want to get accomplished.
Ron Swanson: That won't be necessary. I don't have any projects. I hate projects.
Chris: [still laughing from the office] What a pill. We should order. And then we can talk shop. What are you gonna have? I'm thinking something raw and cucumber-based. A cucumber.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I don't know what happened. I declined his invitation. He started laughing. And the next thing I knew, we were at lunch. Did he drug me?

Quote from Andy

Dr. Lipp Nerpins: Okay, if you're allergic to any food, we'll know in a few days.
Andy: I think based on the redness I might be allergic to getting stabbed by needles.
[aside to camera:]
Andy: We have already been to, like, five different doctors. I got my ankles microwaved.
April: X-rayed.
Andy: They took my blood away to use for science.
April: Cholesterol tests.
Andy: April had her sinuses removed?
April: Looked at.
Andy: Some guy looked at my wiener, touched it. That was weird.
April: And that guy wasn't even a doctor.
Andy: That... What?

Quote from Tom

Tom: Alright, the good news is, there's only two pieces of bad news. The bad news is, none of our ads aired and we cannot get our money back.
Leslie Knope: Oh, God.
Ben: There was probably a better way for you to tell us that.
Tom: You both really blew this. But I can't wait to hear your new ideas. I love 'em already. Ooh, I'm hungry. Tommy needs a mango. See ya.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: Ron Swanson! [Ron uses the remote to close his door but it's too late] Just the man I wanted to see. I'm going to be going to a seminar on the art of the Japanese tea ceremony, or chakai, at the Pawnee Community College, and I thought you might like to come with me.
Ron Swanson: Why?
Chris: I know how much you value silence.
Ron Swanson: A fair point. But we did just have lunch last week, so I feel like we've spent enough social time together for the foreseeable...Ever.

Quote from Andy

April: Ow.
Andy: Let's get you home and get me some ice cream.
Nurse: Here's your bill.
Andy: Whoa, yeah, won't be needing that. I've got the free medicine card.
Nurse: Uh, there's a $500 deductible for dental procedures.
Andy: Oh, I think you're wrong. We have the insurance thing. I believe we're covered.
Nurse: It's still $500.
Andy: Let's see here. Oh, because, you know what... Let's go! Dine and dash. Out of the way! Yeah! Whoo-hoo-hoo! [Andy runs into an ambulance] Ah! Ah, call an ambulance! A different ambulance than the one I ran into.

Quote from Ben

Ben: [v.o.] This is city council candidate Leslie Knope when she was ten years old.
Young Leslie: Hi, I'm Leslie Knope. I love Pawnee. And I want to make it even better. Better schools, safer streets, and a more progressive tax on residential properties.
Ben: [v.o.] This is city council candidate Bobby Newport today.
Bobby Newport: People keep asking me: Bobby, what are you gonna do once you get into office? Um, I'm pretty sure I'll figure it out.
Ben: [v.o.] Leslie Knope had better ideas when she was ten than Bobby Newport has now. They do have one thing in common.
Both: I like dogs.
Ben: [v.o.] For a better Pawnee, vote Knope for City Council.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: Ron Swanson! What a pleasant surprise. And who's this?
Ron Swanson: This is a great friend of mine. He is a fellow who works in the building and he is named Dennis.
Kyle: Kyle.
Ron Swanson: He strongly enjoys Japanese culture, and I thought he might wanna go with you to the thing.
Chris: The tea ceremony.
Ron Swanson: Yes.
Chris: You're a brother Japanophile?
Kyle: I was eating rice, and Ron made me come up here. But sure, that sounds fun.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Bobby Newport: Yes, um, why'd you guys post that video of me, man? I mean, that didn't make me feel good. It was... it was mean. You guys are mean.
Leslie Knope: Well, we used your own ad, so I don't think it was mean.
Bobby Newport: All right, let me lay it out for you. My friends keep sending me links to that video and they just make fun of me. So just stop running, okay? Just... that... stop.
Leslie Knope: Stop running the ad?
Bobby Newport: No, stop running the campaign.
Leslie Knope: What?
Bobby Newport: Just quit. It would be so cool of you if you just quit. Then I can win the election, and I'll have a big party, and I'll put you both on the guest list, plus one. I'm gonna have a man who does magic. He's really good. Not, like, cheesy magic. Like, good magic.
Leslie Knope: We're not gonna quit the campaign. Why would we do that?
Bobby Newport: Because... I want it. Come on, give me it. Give me it. Give me it. Come on, give me it. Just give me the election. I'm sorry, please. Please.
Ben: Well, Leslie, he does make a compelling argument.
Bobby Newport: Come on, ugh! Come on, guy.
Leslie Knope: Bobby.
Bobby Newport: Ah, it's not padded!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Can I ask you a question? Why are you even running for office?
Bobby Newport: You know what, I need something to do to get my dad off my back. This seemed easy. What about you, why are you doing it? Who's your dad?
Leslie Knope: I'm running for office because I want to improve the lives of the people that I love and the city that's the greatest city in the world.
Bobby Newport: What? What does that even mean?
Ben: Hey, I've got an idea. How 'bout you quit running, then I win, but then I let you do all the work.
Leslie Knope: I'm not going anywhere, and we are gonna debate soon, and I need to warn you, I know my stuff. So you should toughen up.
Bobby Newport: Why are you guys smiling? I feel bad.
Bobby Newport: Hey, quick question. That little girl from your video. Oh, my God, she's so cute. Do you think you can talk to her and let her do an ad for me?
Leslie Knope: That girl is me as a ten-year-old.
Bobby Newport: How'd you do that?

Quote from Andy

April: Maybe you should see one of the other doctors.
Andy: No. No more doctors. They're a bunch of scam artists. They reel you in with the free stuff. Next thing you know, bam, you run into an ambulance. Every time. Let's just go home and care for each other. We could buy a sewing kit. You could sew up my lip underneath a bridge somewhere.
April: Mmm, so romantic.
Andy: [winces]
April: Oh, sorry, I forgot. Let's go.
Andy: All right. Do you think sewing kits are covered by insurance? Or groceries or, like, Xbox games? What is insurance?
April: I don't know. Who cares?


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