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‘Campaign Shake-Up’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Campaign Shake-Up

417. Campaign Shake-Up

Aired March 1, 2012

Leslie and Ben try to get the endorsement of Pawnee seniors leader, Ned Jones (guest star Carl Reiner), but their plan is thrown off course when Bobby Newport hires an expensive campaign manager straight from Washington D.C. Meanwhile, Ron is forced to show his Parks Department can be productive without Leslie.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: The department is so small because Leslie Knope single-handedly does the work of four people. And she's already scaled back her time. If she wins, she'll be dividing her time between Parks and City Council. I'm going to have to hire a deputy director to pick up the slack.
Ron Swanson: No! Chris, that's unnecessary. The department is doing fine without Leslie.
Chris: Then prove it. Complete one major project.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Either we complete a government project which is abhorrent to me, or we bring a new person into the department, which repulses me to my core. Reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves to slaughter with my own hands for my sixth birthday. I couldn't choose, so I slaughtered both of them. And they were delicious.


Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: Question for you. In a town of this size, the Parks department traditionally has ten employees. You have only seven. Why is that?
Ron Swanson: I work hard to make sure my department is as small and ineffective as possible.

Quote from Ann

Ron Swanson: Hello, Ann Perkins.
Ann: This is the first time you've said my entire name correctly.
Ron Swanson: Nonsense. We are close friends. I have good news for you. I'm making the water fountain hygiene upgrade our number one priority.
Ann: Oh, great.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: For some reason, when people in Pawnee use the water fountain, they put their mouths completely over the spouts. It's like this weird, disgusting, local quirk. Kiss one water-fountain drinker, you're kissing everyone in Pawnee. Including him.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Mr. Jones, such a pleasure to meet you. Please don't get up.
Ned Jones: Don't worry. I can't.
Leslie Knope: Oh.
Ned Jones: Just joking. I can get up. But it's difficult. But I can do it, but it is hard. Look, I don't have a lot of time.
Ben: Oh, God. I'm so sorry. Is it... cancer?
Ned Jones: No, I don't have a lot of time before my swim aerobics.
Leslie Knope: Oh.
Ned Jones: Why are you better for seniors than Bobby Newport?
Leslie Knope: Three words: Ramp Up Pawnee.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Pawnee is way behind the times in terms of making its buildings wheelchair accessible. Not enough ramps is the number three complaint among Pawnee seniors... Right behind "Everything hurts" and "I'm dying."

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Oh my God. Newport hired a real Washington hotshot.
Ben: Wow, she worked with James Carville? She ran two Republican congressional campaigns and a Senate race.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, and check out this picture. She's eating egg salad with Colin Powell. That's the most impressive thing I've ever seen.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I am going to get drunk, and then I'm going to order a three-course meal where each course is made of dessert.

Quote from Perd Hapley

[on TV broadcast:]
Announcer: This is "The Final Word with Perd." With your host, Perderick L. Hapley.
Perd Hapley: Issue number one is the first issue we're going to talk about. Is Bobby Newport's campaign for city council in trouble? When I say your names, I want you to respond. Dylan.
Dylan: Well, Newport's poll numbers have been plummeting. They just fired his campaign manager, and where's Bobby? He's on vacation in Spain.
Lisa: He's not on vacation, he's in hiding. Every time the guy speaks, he puts his foot in his mouth.
Perd Hapley: [laughs] That's a hilarious image. A foot in a mouth.
Lisa: It's a common expression.

Quote from Ben

Ben: [aside to camera] Senior citizens are basically the only people who vote in local elections, so if you want to win, you gotta get the gray vote.
Leslie Knope: And to get the gray vote, you need to get the endorsement of Ned Jones. He's the president of Pawnee Seniors United. He's like The Godfather but old.
Ben: He's like the Grandfather. The grand godfather.
Leslie Knope: The "grond" father, he's like-- It doesn't matter. He's important, and he's old.

Quote from Chris

Ron Swanson: You wanted to see me. Good God. What the hell are you doing?
Chris: Upside-down sit-ups. Great exercise, and it literally lets me see the world from a different perspective.
Ron Swanson: Isn't there a men's gymnasium where you could do that?
Chris: The world's my gymnasium, Ron. But I will stop if it makes you uncomfortable. Could you hold me while I dismount?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Essentially, we're going to put a ramp on every building in town.
Leslie Knope: Like I always say, stairs are a young man's game.
Ned Jones: Damn straight. This is very impressive. You know, you remind me of my brother. You have the same name, Leslie. He lost a third of his body in a motorcycle accident. The middle third. But they sutured the hell out of him. He's-- He's fine now. Much shorter, but a good-looking, young, flat man. What have you heard about Newport's new campaign manager, Jennifer Barkley?
Leslie Knope: Uh, who?
Ned Jones: She wants to have a meeting with me at 5:00. I told her sorry. I don't talk politics after dinner.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Jennifer Barkley: Plus frankly, I needed a break from Washington.
Leslie Knope: Do you know Joe Biden?
Jennifer Barkley: Oh, mm-hmm.
Leslie Knope: He's on my celebrity sex list. Well, he is my celebrity sex list.
Jennifer Barkley: Oh, trust me. You can do better than Joe.
Leslie Knope: [laughing] Oh, no. I don't- I don't think I can.

Quote from Donna

Ann: Donna?
Donna: Do I look like I drink water?

Quote from Tom

Tom: Help, everything I'm wearing is suede! Everything I'm wearing is suede, everything I'm wearing is suede!

Quote from Ron Swanson

April: Hey. Chris wants you in his office for the final round of interviews. [Ron groans] And sorry we goofed around so much.
Ron Swanson: Normally, I'd be very proud of you for what you did. This is a rare example where wasting a full day of work is a bad thing.
April: Is there really going to be a weird, new person in the office?
Ron Swanson: I think so. We may be in for a good, old-fashioned shake-up.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Perd Hapley: Let's begin the show by starting it. Now, Leslie, you claim the Newport campaign stole one of your ideas.
Leslie Knope: Well, uh... They did, they stole our idea. We were working on the Ramp Up Pawnee initiative for many weeks.
Jennifer Barkley: Oh, Perd. This is politics as usual. The fact is, Bobby Newport's plan is better for seniors, better for Pawnee.
Leslie Knope: Well, our plan is more practical, and it's cheaper.
Jennifer Barkley: There she goes again, Perd.
Perd Hapley: [chuckles] I don't know where she went the first time.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Jennifer Barkley: I just think our opposition is losing sight of what all this is about.
Leslie Knope: What this is about is Pawnee, and that is what I care about. What Bobby Newport cares about is romping around on some beach in Spain with a floozy.
Jennifer Barkley: [laughs] Excuse me?
Leslie Knope: Oh, maybe you hadn't heard of it. It wasn't in the New York Times or Le Monde, which is what she reads. It was in the Pawnee papers.
Jennifer Barkley: Bobby Newport's personal life is neither here nor there.
Leslie Knope: It's certainly not here. And I think Pawneeans deserve a city councilor who stays in the city, like I do.
Jennifer Barkley: Well, we were going to keep this secret until we had everything in writing, but Bobby Newport is trying to convince a major European company to open up a factory in Pawnee. And that woman that he is with is an anti-landmine advocate. I didn't realize that you were pro-landmine.
Perd Hapley: I am not here to declare a winner, but Jennifer is the winner.
Jennifer Barkley: Thank you.
Perd Hapley: Now it's time to move onto our next segment, which is a commercial.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] So apparently, Newport just fired his campaign manager because Ben was kicking his ass. Ben is the best campaign manager anyone could ever have. Every move he's made has worked. He's like a brilliant, sexy, little hummingbird.
Ben: What did you just say?
Leslie Knope: Nothing. Keep up the good work. You're doing great. [chuckles]

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