Chris: The department is so small because Leslie Knope single-handedly does the work of four people. And she's already scaled back her time. If she wins, she'll be dividing her time between Parks and City Council. I'm going to have to hire a deputy director to pick up the slack.
Ron Swanson: No! Chris, that's unnecessary. The department is doing fine without Leslie.
Chris: Then prove it. Complete one major project.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Either we complete a government project which is abhorrent to me, or we bring a new person into the department, which repulses me to my core. Reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves to slaughter with my own hands for my sixth birthday. I couldn't choose, so I slaughtered both of them. And they were delicious.

Chris: Question for you. In a town of this size, the Parks department traditionally has ten employees. You have only seven. Why is that?
Ron Swanson: I work hard to make sure my department is as small and ineffective as possible.

Ron Swanson: Hello, Ann Perkins.
Ann: This is the first time you've said my entire name correctly.
Ron Swanson: Nonsense. We are close friends. I have good news for you. I'm making the water fountain hygiene upgrade our number one priority.
Ann: Oh, great.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: For some reason, when people in Pawnee use the water fountain, they put their mouths completely over the spouts. It's like this weird, disgusting, local quirk. Kiss one water-fountain drinker, you're kissing everyone in Pawnee. Including him.

Leslie Knope: Mr. Jones, such a pleasure to meet you. Please don't get up.
Ned Jones: Don't worry. I can't.
Leslie Knope: Oh.
Ned Jones: Just joking. I can get up. But it's difficult. But I can do it, but it is hard. Look, I don't have a lot of time.
Ben: Oh, God. I'm so sorry. Is it... cancer?
Ned Jones: No, I don't have a lot of time before my swim aerobics.
Leslie Knope: Oh.
Ned Jones: Why are you better for seniors than Bobby Newport?
Leslie Knope: Three words: Ramp Up Pawnee.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Pawnee is way behind the times in terms of making its buildings wheelchair accessible. Not enough ramps is the number three complaint among Pawnee seniors... Right behind "Everything hurts" and "I'm dying."

Leslie Knope: Oh my God. Newport hired a real Washington hotshot.
Ben: Wow, she worked with James Carville? She ran two Republican congressional campaigns and a Senate race.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, and check out this picture. She's eating egg salad with Colin Powell. That's the most impressive thing I've ever seen.

[on TV broadcast:]
Announcer: This is "The Final Word with Perd." With your host, Perderick L. Hapley.
Perd Hapley: Issue number one is the first issue we're going to talk about. Is Bobby Newport's campaign for city council in trouble? When I say your names, I want you to respond. Dylan.
Dylan: Well, Newport's poll numbers have been plummeting. They just fired his campaign manager, and where's Bobby? He's on vacation in Spain.
Lisa: He's not on vacation, he's in hiding. Every time the guy speaks, he puts his foot in his mouth.
Perd Hapley: [laughs] That's a hilarious image. A foot in a mouth.
Lisa: It's a common expression.

Leslie Knope: I am going to get drunk, and then I'm going to order a three-course meal where each course is made of dessert.

April: Hey. Chris wants you in his office for the final round of interviews. [Ron groans] And sorry we goofed around so much.
Ron Swanson: Normally, I'd be very proud of you for what you did. This is a rare example where wasting a full day of work is a bad thing.
April: Is there really going to be a weird, new person in the office?
Ron Swanson: I think so. We may be in for a good, old-fashioned shake-up.

Ben: [aside to camera] Senior citizens are basically the only people who vote in local elections, so if you want to win, you gotta get the gray vote.
Leslie Knope: And to get the gray vote, you need to get the endorsement of Ned Jones. He's the president of Pawnee Seniors United. He's like The Godfather but old.
Ben: He's like the Grandfather. The grand godfather.
Leslie Knope: The "grond" father, he's like-- It doesn't matter. He's important, and he's old.

Ron Swanson: You wanted to see me. Good God. What the hell are you doing?
Chris: Upside-down sit-ups. Great exercise, and it literally lets me see the world from a different perspective.
Ron Swanson: Isn't there a men's gymnasium where you could do that?
Chris: The world's my gymnasium, Ron. But I will stop if it makes you uncomfortable. Could you hold me while I dismount?