Ben: You know what? I'm gonna go with the first place. I really loved that appetizer.
Chris: Oh, the mini-calzone?
Ben: I wouldn't call it that. It was more like a savory pastry. Delicate little dough pocket filled with tomato sauce, cheese, and seasoned meat. Just a stunning culinary innovation.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: It was a calzone.
Chris: It was literally just a small calzone.

Ben: Okay, so I liked number one, Chris liked number two, and Ron liked number three. Tom, what about you?
Tom: Caterer number one's presentation was simple, mm, yet exhausting. Number two's was subtle and provocative, like a coy Dutch woman guarding a dark secret.
Ben: Nothing you're saying is helpful.
Tom: But number three's told a story. A story from a book I wouldn't read but I would watch the movie of.
Ben: [sighs] That's nonsense.

April: Hello, everyone. I'm April Ludgate from the Parks Department. And welcome to a public forum about the Pawnee Commons. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said to Betty Ford... "Hillary Clinton is great." Now, if you all would kindly look under your chairs, you will find a special surprise, a flyer with details about the project, and friendship bands that I've made for each and every one of you. So now, I guess we're Park Pals.

Chris: What a gorgeous herbaceous medley.
Ron Swanson: There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats.
Marv: Salad is traditionally the first course at a wedding.
Ron Swanson: Is a gerbil marrying a rabbit?

Ben: [aside to camera] I'm in charge of food for the wedding. So I brought in Pawnee's three best caterers and a panel of experts. Chris loves vegetables. Ron loves meat. And Tom considers himself a foodie, which apparently means taking Instagrams of food instead of eating it.

Ann: So what's the next move? Is there, like, a better sperm bank in Eagleton or something?
Leslie Knope: Um, you don't want a demon baby. Look, you're Ann Perkins. Sperm that is worthy of your perfect eggs does not grow on trees. I think, ideally, you'd want to know the guy, right? You'd want to know his personality, his favorite season of Friends, whether or not he hates jazz-- hopefully, he does.

Tom: [scatting] Oh, whoa! Smells like some vomit took a dump in here. What happened?
Ron Swanson: We got food poisoning, Tom.
Tom: Yuck.
Ron Swanson: How do you not have food poisoning?
Ben: Because he didn't eat anything. He just took pictures and talked about the "wow" factor.
Tom: Not true. I ate everything you did.
Chris: Are you sure? Is there anything that you didn't eat?
Tom: Oh, yeah. I didn't eat those stupid mini-calzones. Haver-food rule number six: Never eat anything with a sauce I have to dip myself. Drizzle it on for me. I'm not your maid.

Ben: Chris? I'm dying.
Chris: [straining] I was dying earlier today. And then I died. Now I'm dead. I had to cancel a date with Shauna Malwae-Tweep. And I really like her. Do you think she'll still like me now that I'm dead?
Ben: What is this?
Ron Swanson: It's food poisoning. I have it too. I did not sleep for one second last night. And I cracked the bottom of the toilet bowl.
Ben: Oh, God, don't say that.
Chris: Has anybody talked to Tom? I can't even imagine what that tiny little man must be feeling like.
Ron Swanson: I have voided more than Tom's body weight in the last 12 hours alone. He might have just disappeared off the earth.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Ann is giving up on love and deciding to have a baby with herself. And she has only been dating herself for six weeks. If she were dating a guy for six weeks, and they decided to have a kid, I'd be like, "Congratulations, Ann... And Channing Tatum." Because that is the only scenario that would make sense to me.

April: Ugh. This suit makes me want to scold a Catholic child. I don't know who Ann Taylor is, but I hate her and I want to kill her.
[aside to camera:]
April: I have to lead a public forum for the Pawnee Commons every day this week, and I hate talking to people. So, to get through it, I figured I'm just gonna basically try to imitate Leslie.
[montage:]
April: She still wears this.
April: She had the patch sewn in. You can't remove it.
April: What's in the pocket, you ask? A ticket stub from a Fleetwood Mac concert in 1995, and... [a Sweetums flavored condom]