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‘Ann's Decision’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Ann's Decision

512. Ann's Decision

Aired February 7, 2013

Ann decides she wants to be a mother. April tries to channel her inner Leslie when she hosts a public forum. Meanwhile, Ben, Tom, Ron and Chris sample caterers for Ben's wedding.

Quote from Tom

Ben: Okay, so I liked number one, Chris liked number two, and Ron liked number three. Tom, what about you?
Tom: Caterer number one's presentation was simple, mm, yet exhausting. Number two's was subtle and provocative, like a coy Dutch woman guarding a dark secret.
Ben: Nothing you're saying is helpful.
Tom: But number three's told a story. A story from a book I wouldn't read but I would watch the movie of.
Ben: [sighs] That's nonsense.

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Quote from Ben

Ben: You know what? I'm gonna go with the first place. I really loved that appetizer.
Chris: Oh, the mini-calzone?
Ben: I wouldn't call it that. It was more like a savory pastry. Delicate little dough pocket filled with tomato sauce, cheese, and seasoned meat. Just a stunning culinary innovation.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: It was a calzone.
Chris: It was literally just a small calzone.

Quote from April

April: Hello, everyone. I'm April Ludgate from the Parks Department. And welcome to a public forum about the Pawnee Commons. As Eleanor Roosevelt once said to Betty Ford... "Hillary Clinton is great." Now, if you all would kindly look under your chairs, you will find a special surprise, a flyer with details about the project, and friendship bands that I've made for each and every one of you. So now, I guess we're Park Pals.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: What a gorgeous herbaceous medley.
Ron Swanson: There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats.
Marv: Salad is traditionally the first course at a wedding.
Ron Swanson: Is a gerbil marrying a rabbit?

Quote from Ben

Ben: [aside to camera] I'm in charge of food for the wedding. So I brought in Pawnee's three best caterers and a panel of experts. Chris loves vegetables. Ron loves meat. And Tom considers himself a foodie, which apparently means taking Instagrams of food instead of eating it.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: So what's the next move? Is there, like, a better sperm bank in Eagleton or something?
Leslie Knope: Um, you don't want a demon baby. Look, you're Ann Perkins. Sperm that is worthy of your perfect eggs does not grow on trees. I think, ideally, you'd want to know the guy, right? You'd want to know his personality, his favorite season of Friends, whether or not he hates jazz-- hopefully, he does.

Quote from Tom

Tom: [scatting] Oh, whoa! Smells like some vomit took a dump in here. What happened?
Ron Swanson: We got food poisoning, Tom.
Tom: Yuck.
Ron Swanson: How do you not have food poisoning?
Ben: Because he didn't eat anything. He just took pictures and talked about the "wow" factor.
Tom: Not true. I ate everything you did.
Chris: Are you sure? Is there anything that you didn't eat?
Tom: Oh, yeah. I didn't eat those stupid mini-calzones. Haver-food rule number six: Never eat anything with a sauce I have to dip myself. Drizzle it on for me. I'm not your maid.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Ann is giving up on love and deciding to have a baby with herself. And she has only been dating herself for six weeks. If she were dating a guy for six weeks, and they decided to have a kid, I'd be like, "Congratulations, Ann... And Channing Tatum." Because that is the only scenario that would make sense to me.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ben: Chris? I'm dying.
Chris: [straining] I was dying earlier today. And then I died. Now I'm dead. I had to cancel a date with Shauna Malwae-Tweep. And I really like her. Do you think she'll still like me now that I'm dead?
Ben: What is this?
Ron Swanson: It's food poisoning. I have it too. I did not sleep for one second last night. And I cracked the bottom of the toilet bowl.
Ben: Oh, God, don't say that.
Chris: Has anybody talked to Tom? I can't even imagine what that tiny little man must be feeling like.
Ron Swanson: I have voided more than Tom's body weight in the last 12 hours alone. He might have just disappeared off the earth.

Quote from Ann

Ron Swanson: I'm gonna get 12 eggs and part of a dead animal. Dealer's choice. Please and thank you.
JJ: What can I get you, Ann? I will have oatmeal and berries. And I will have catfish and grits, with pumpernickel toast.
Ron Swanson: Explain.
Ann: Well, instead of getting swept up in my boyfriends' personalities, I am dating myself and trying new things. So every time I go out to eat, I order one thing that's typical me and then something that I would never order.
Leslie Knope: Now I have two best friends, Ann and Ann. Each one more beautiful than the other.
Ann: Oh, I also have been documenting all the new things I'm trying on my blog. Check this out. I went skydiving. [screaming on video]
Ben: Which Ann is screaming like a maniac? Oatmeal Ann or catfish Ann?
Ann: I'm not sure, because I instantly blacked out from extreme terror.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Rachel: Flip through this binder, make a note of anyone who interests you, and I'll be back shortly.
Ann: Oh! This guy went to Harvard!
Leslie Knope: So did the Unabomber.
Ann: This guys seems healthy. Loves cycling.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, so did Lance Armstrong, and he turned out to be a lying drug user. Or a hero. I don't know where we stand on him now.

Quote from April

April: Ugh. This suit makes me want to scold a Catholic child. I don't know who Ann Taylor is, but I hate her and I want to kill her.
[aside to camera:]
April: I have to lead a public forum for the Pawnee Commons every day this week, and I hate talking to people. So, to get through it, I figured I'm just gonna basically try to imitate Leslie.
[montage:]
April: She still wears this.
April: She had the patch sewn in. You can't remove it.
April: What's in the pocket, you ask? A ticket stub from a Fleetwood Mac concert in 1995, and... [a Sweetums flavored condom]

Quote from Ann

Ann: So are you still dunking basketballs?
Pete: You know, I'm a lot more than just a former high school basketball star. I teach marketing over at Pawnee Community College.
Ann: Oh, that's great. Would you say you value education?
Pete: I see what's going on here. You want my sperm.
Ann: What? What are you talking about?
Pete: When will women in this town stop scheming to get my sperm?
Leslie Knope: Wow. That son of a bitch is astute.

Quote from April

Walter: I'm afraid this park will raise my taxes.
April: Ah, well, fear not. Between the normal Parks budget and our corporate partners--
Walter: I'm also afraid the park will be noisy. And full of spiders. And dark at nighttime. [voice breaks] I'm scared of a lot of stuff. Everything's fine. I'm fine. I'm Walter, and I'm fine.
Harris: Is this gonna be a topless park?
April: I don't think there are topless parks.
Harris: Well, let's build the first one and be heroes.
Gretel: If this is going to be a topless park, I won't sign your petition.
Harris: If she's going to the topless park, I'm not signing the topless park petition. You know, I take that back, I'm still in. What's up? I'm Harris.
Chance: Yeah, yeah. Forget whatever that Pawnee Commons is. I'm with that pervert. [chanting] Topless park. Topless park!

Quote from Ron Swanson

Chris: Well, I'm feeling so much better. Almost no weird stuff snuck out of my body last night.
Ron Swanson: And I feel like the emptiness of my stomach is gonna lead to a pretty epic breakfast.

Quote from Tom

Ben: Guys, what do I do? My choice almost killed us, and we can't agree on another one, so--
Chris: Maybe there's a catering company in Snerling that we should look into.
Ben: No, it has to be from Pawnee. I just know that's what Leslie wants.
Tom: I got it. This might sound crazy, but Jean-Ralphio has started a catering company.
Ben: He has?
Tom: Now, granted, he is currently standing trial for counterfeiting Euros, but the trial's gonna be over quick. He's definitely guilty.

Quote from April

Peter: Yeah, so how much money is this whole Pawnee Commons project gonna cost me?
April: Uh, good question. 40% will be coming from our corporate partners, and another 30%--
Peter: Excuse me, ma'am. I didn't ask for a math lesson. So why don't you just tell me how much it's gonna cost me? And don't use numbers.
April: Look, you won't have to pay any extra money, okay? And don't ever call me "ma'am" again. Thanks. Next question.
Harris: Yeah, I wanted to talk more about that topless park idea that a local hero brought up yesterday.
April: Yeah, there's not gonna be a topless park, Harris. Nobody wants your creepy stoner eyes staring at them while they're enjoying a park, okay? Stop being gross. [applause] Yeah. Shut me down! You scare me, and I gotta say, I kinda dig that. What's your deal?
Andy: She's married to me.


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