Wendy: Hey. Ron.
Ron Swanson: Hello, Wendy. Well, you and Tom really turned the party around.
Wendy: Well, we have a good time together. Tom told me that you know about our green card marriage. And I just want to say thank you for not telling anyone.
Ron Swanson: No worries. I'd hate for you to have to go back to Canada. All that socialized medicine up there.

Ann: Hey, guys.
April: Hey. Remember my boyfriend Derek, and his boyfriend Ben?
Ann: Yeah, hi. It's totally okay that you didn't wear a costume.
Derek: I did. I'm a straight person.
Mark: [enters] Hey, sorry I'm late.
Derek: See?
Ann: Sorry it's a little bit lame right now. But we'll get it going.
[aside to camera:]
April: I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here. Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year, I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing.

Ann: [aside to camera] Halloween is my favorite holiday, it's just the best. And I don't have to work. Hey, slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year.

Leslie Knope: Greg Pikitis.
Greg: You're the Parks lady, right?
Leslie Knope: Yeah, that's right. I'm the Parks lady. Leslie Knope. And I'm here to tell you that this year it ends.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: Ugh, this kid makes me crazy. We got a history, Greg and I. He absolutely terrorizes the Parks system. Every Halloween someone defaces the statue of Mayor Percy in Ramsett Park. And I know it's Greg Pikitis, but I've never been able to prove it. He's like an invisible, adolescent, James Bond super villain criminal mastermind. Or maybe someone else is doing it, but I really feel like it's this kid.

Leslie Knope: Ah, William Percy. One of Pawnee's greatest mayors. And a true hero. During the Pawnee Bread Factory fire of 1922, he ran back into a burning building and saved the beloved secret recipe for Pawnee Pumpernickel.
Dave Sanderson: Didn't, like, 30 people die in that fire?
Leslie Knope: Eh, he wasn't Superman.

Andy: He looks like Ron Swanson. Is that who this is based on?
Leslie Knope: No. It's based on William Percy. Were you listening to what I just said?
Andy: Yes.
Leslie Knope: Okay, Andy. Good news. You're officially on the Parks Department payroll. $8 an hour. Commit this to memory. You see him, you stop him. Knock his head off if you have to.
Dave Sanderson: Don't do that.
Leslie Knope: Don't do that. But I give you permission to use excessive force.
Dave Sanderson: Don't use excessive force.
Leslie Knope: Don't go overboard. Just stop him. By any means necessary.
Dave Sanderson: No.
Leslie Knope: No. Just stop him. You know what I mean?

Ann: I spent the whole day decorating this place, and everybody's in the kitchen. Why is everyone always in the kitchen?

Ron Swanson: Ann, do you have any Mounds? Because all I can find are Almond Joys. And almonds give me the squirts.

Leslie Knope: Huh, maybe Greg is innocent. If that's the case, then there's another kid out there who's tormenting me.
Andy: Maybe.
Leslie Knope: I believe that you're innocent until proven guilty in this country. That's the cornerstone of democracy.
Andy: Sure.
Leslie Knope: On the other hand, Greg Pikitis is a little punk. And I kind of wanna TP his house.
Andy: Let's do it.

Leslie Knope: You're going to jail for a very long time.
Greg: You can't...
Dave Sanderson: He's not gonna go to jail, you know. He's a minor.
Leslie Knope: Well, we'll let the jury decide.
Dave Sanderson: There's not gonna be a jury...
Leslie Knope: Then the judge will decide where he goes.
Dave Sanderson: Look. He's going to do probation, he's a minor.
Leslie Knope: Dave, just let me have this.