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‘The Trial of Leslie Knope’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: The Trial of Leslie Knope

409. The Trial of Leslie Knope

Aired December 1, 2011

After Leslie and Ben come clean to Chris about their relationship, he hauls them before an ethics committee. 

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: April! Listen, I was trying to buy this hand-crafted mahogany wood model of a B-25 Mitchell Panchito aircraft.
April: Aw, for me?
Ron Swanson: Don't sass me. And I went to this website, and this ad popped up that said "Hey, Ron Swanson! Check out this great offer."
April: What's your question?
Ron Swanson: My question is, what the hell?
April: Like, how did they know who you are?
Ron Swanson: Yeah.
April: Okay. Um, there are these things called cookies, where, like you go to a site and buy something, it'll remember you and then create ads for other stuff you might want to buy.
Ron Swanson: So it learns information? About me? That seems like an invasion of privacy.
April: Dude, if you think that's bad, go to Google Earth and type in your address.
[After looking at Google Earth, Ron goes outside and throws his computer in the dumpster]

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Quote from Donna

Chris: I have here a receipt from Pawnee Supersuites Motel. Leslie Knope submitted that receipt for reimbursement. Taxpayers' money is not meant to be spent on a romantic getaway.
Leslie Knope: Donna, will you please describe what we were wearing the evening you saw us?
Donna: Um, khakis and button-down shirts, your basic white people clothes.
Leslie Knope: And when you walked into the room, what did it look like? Did it look like anything romantic had happened?
Donna: Oh, hell, no. I have ruined my share of hotel rooms, and trust me, nothing sexual happened in that room. It kind of looked like an office.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Leslie Knope! Good morning! It is snowing outside. Isn't that great?
Leslie Knope: You seem like you're in a good mood.
Chris: Actually, I'm quite miserable. I admire and respect you, and dragging you through an ethics trial is filling me with sadness. I have never felt so low.
Leslie Knope: Well, you're radiating pure joy.
Chris: I went to my herbalist and got two B-12 shots. And then I ate an unreasonable amount of St. John's wort, and my herbalist took this weird bee pollen paste rubbed it around my gums. And now my mouth feels like a spaceship.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: This is stressful. And stress leads to depression. And if I don't maintain an extremely high dosages of herbal remedies, I will get very depressed. Oh, God. It's happening right now.

Quote from Tom

Chris: Mr. Haverford, would you consider Leslie Knope a good employee?
Tom: Did Tom Ford turn around the house of Gucci?
Chris: I do not know, but I'll assume that that is a yes.

Quote from Jerry

Leslie Knope: Can you please state your name for the committee?
Jerry: Garry Gergich.
Leslie Knope: Oh, God, Jerry. You can't even get your own name right.
Jerry: Actually, my real name is Garry.
Leslie Knope: Garry?
Jerry: On my first day here, the old director-- he called me Jerry, and I just didn't think I should correct him.
Leslie Knope: That's ridiculous. Your name is Jerry.
Jerry: No. Legally my name is Garry.
Leslie Knope: Garry Gergich? Jerry Gergich. Garry Gergich. Jerry Gergich. Garry Gergich. Jerry-- God, they're both horrible. But Jerry's better. I'm gonna call you Jerry. Okay, Jerry, do you remember a time... I'm sorry. I can't get over the Garry/Jerry thing.
Chris: Neither can I. Jerry, you can go. We need a five-minute break.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Ms. Perkins, Chris Traeger has questioned when my relationship with Ben Wyatt began. I'd like to direct you to your inbox and specifically an email entitled "yay". That's Y-A and 18 "Y"s and 44 exclamation points.
Ann: Yes, it is an email from you. Oh, and there's an attachment.
Leslie Knope: Mm. Intriguing. Could you play the attachment, please?
Ann: Sure.
[on video:]
Leslie Knope: In a world on the brink of financial meltdown... In a town unlike any other... An adorable man with a cute face and the future president of the United States-- what?-- went from being friends to being so much more. Ann! Ben and I hooked up last night! Aah! And I learned how to use iMovie. Call me later! Bye!

Quote from April

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Well, we've been at it for hours. And I did have some problem with my character witnesses.
[flashback:]
April: I don't know why Leslie Knope's on trial. Ethel Beavers did it! Beavers did it!
Allenbach: Sit down.
April: I will hold myself in contempt of the court!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Is that a present for me?
Ben: Yeah. What do you think?
Leslie Knope: [gasps] Li'l Sebastian.
Ben: Yeah, I had him made for you at the toy store.
Leslie Knope: Aw, thank you so much for making my life so wonderful.
Ben: You're welcome.
Leslie Knope: I was talking to him.
Ben: Of course.
Leslie Knope: But also to you.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Marcus Everett Langley was Pawnee's greatest lawyer at the turn of the century. His nickname was "Old Stone Face" because of his steely demeanor and because he got in an accident at the rock quarry and dynamite blew up his face.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Allenbach: We are here today to determine whether Leslie Knope violated any municipal rules or laws due to her romantic relationship with her superior Ben Wyatt, whose hearing will be held tomorrow. Would you like to make a statement at this time?
Leslie Knope: Yes. I freely admit to the relationship, and I will not be fighting the charges that we violated Chris' rule. But we did nothing else wrong or unethical.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: In 1849, Sarah Nelson Quindle exposed her elbow outdoors, which was a class "A" felony. Although she felt the law unjust, she acknowledged that she had broken it, and she nobly accepted her punishment. To be set adrift on Lake Michigan like a human popsicle. Look how calm she looks. That's how I feel, totally zen.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Ann?
Ann: Yeah?
Leslie Knope: I need you to text me every 30 seconds that everything's gonna be okay.
Ann: Okay.
[later:]
Leslie Knope: [cell phone chimes; Leslie gasps] Thanks, Ann!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I broke one rule, and I will accept a slap on the wrist. But when you sit back and let your reputation be destroyed. You go down in history as a frozen whore. I'm fighting.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: There's a rumor going around that Chris has a killer witness.
Leslie Knope: How? Why? That makes no sense. There's no killer witness, because we didn't do anything wrong, unless someone's planning to lie or slander us. Okay, just to be safe, find out who it is and silence him.
Ron Swanson: With pleasure.
Leslie Knope: Wait. Let me make it clear. Don't silence him. Just make sure he can't talk.

Quote from Tom

Chris: How long were you two lovers?
Tom: Excuse me?
Leslie Knope: Oh, God.
Chris: Last march, I witnessed Leslie Knope and Tom Haverford engaged in a passionate yet tender kiss. It seems that Ms. Knope has a pattern of becoming involved with her co-workers.
Leslie Knope: Tom, will you please tell the committee why we were kissing?
Tom: An online dating site randomly paired us up. So, as a joke, I thought it would be funny to pretend you and I were dating. And then you kissed me as a joke... To shut me up.
Leslie Knope: But we never had any other romantic contact after that.
Tom: No, that would be like dating my older sister's elderly aunt.
Leslie Knope: No, it wouldn't.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Is this about the laptop? I didn't mean to steal it. I took it home, and I spaced. I forgot. I'm gonna bring it back. It totally works, but I got spaghetti in the keyboard.
Chris: What laptop?
Andy: Objection.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Maybe because it was an office. City Hall was being fumigated, and we need to pull an all-nighter. The only thing that was ravaged were these federal grant proposals that Donna had dropped off earlier.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I've seen over 200 episodes of Law & Order, and it's paying off big-time.
[back:]
Leslie Knope: And by the way, we got the gramps-- grants. God! Oh. It was gonna be such an awesome moment.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: So, Ethel, you've been to a million of these ethics trials. What do you think my chances are?
Ethel: I'd say it's 50/50. You want to put money on it, I'll give you 60/40 against.
Leslie Knope: Is it ethical for a court stenographer to bet on the outcome of a hearing?
Ethel: You tell me. You're the one on trial.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Mr. Swanson, there has been a question posed about when my relationship with Ben Wyatt ended. Can you confirm that you own a cabin at 930-
Ron Swanson: Ah! Stop, please. I don't like to give out my address to anyone, much less have it on an official record.
Leslie Knope: Ron, don't be ridiculous. This is very important. Do you own a cabin-
Ron Swanson: Ah!
Leslie Knope: 9301 Cedarcrest Dr-
Ron Swanson: [imitates buzzer sounding]
Leslie Knope: 9301 Cedarcrest Dr--
Ron Swanson: Beep!
Ethel: I didn't hear that.
Leslie Knope: 9301 Cedarcrest Drive!
Ron Swanson: She's here.
Leslie Knope: Who's here?
Ron Swanson: My ex-wife, Tammy Two. I can smell the sulfur coming off her cloven hooves.
Chris: Good nose, Ron. Tammy Swanson is here. She'll be my next witness.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Tammy Two is your killer witness? Please! You're gonna have to do better- Actually, she is a terrifying sociopath who could say or do anything. A pretty good killer witness.

Quote from Donna

Leslie Knope: Does anyone have anything? Did anybody find anything good?
Ron Swanson: In 1856, the city council banned all sexual positions except for missionary. And two years later, they banned missionary.
Tom: 1882, should a Presbyterian speak out of turn, he may be caned across the shinbone.
Donna: Oh, my God. Black people still can't legally use city sidewalks.

Quote from April

April: "Any woman caught laughing is a witch." That's true.

Quote from Ben

Ethel: "Mr. Wyatt: Chris, for God's sake, would you mind not jumping for a while?. Mr. Trager: Sorry, Ben, but"...
[flashback:]
Chris: This is how I fight depression. Okay, fine. I'll stop.
Ben: Thank you.
Chris: Okay, so you are prepared to resign, effective immediately, and take full responsibility for all the events that transpired at Li'l Sebastian's memorial.
[cutting back and forth:]
Ethel: "Mr. Wyatt: That is correct."
Ben: That is correct.
Ethel: "Mr. Traeger: Okay, fine. This makes me sadder than I previously thought humanly possible, but I accept your resignation. Can I ask you one more question?"
Chris: Was all of this-- all the sneaking around, the scandal, losing your job-- Was it worth it?
Ben: Yes. It was.
Ethel: "Because I love Leslie. I want to be with her. And I don't want to hide the way I feel about her anymore. So, yeah, it was worth it, because I'm in love with Leslie Knope. Mr. Traeger: That was beautiful. I'm literally crying and jumping. Crying noise, crying noise, nose blow. Mr. Wyatt: It's gonna be okay. Mr. Traeger:..."
Chris: [sobbing]
Ben: Oh. Let it out, I guess.
Ethel: "End transcript."

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Hi, honey, how was your day?
Ben: Oh, I've had better. How about you?
Leslie Knope: I can't believe you did that for me.
Ben: Well, I was pretty sure it was gonna happen one way or the other. I hope it doesn't affect your campaign.
Leslie Knope: Don't worry about that right now. There was a piece of testimony that came out during the trial that I think you'd be interested in. Ethel? Ethel, could you please read page 132 of the official testimony? "Ethel Beavers: The official record has now annoyingly been reopened so that Leslie Knope can make a statement. Leslie Knope: Let the record state that I, Leslie Knope, love Ben Wyatt. I love him with all of my heart. Did you get that? Ethel Beavers: Yes, I got it."
Leslie Knope: Thank you, Ethel.
Ethel: Can I get a ride home? It's freezing.


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