Ron Swanson: April! Listen, I was trying to buy this hand-crafted mahogany wood model of a B-25 Mitchell Panchito aircraft.
April: Aw, for me?
Ron Swanson: Don't sass me. And I went to this website, and this ad popped up that said "Hey, Ron Swanson! Check out this great offer."
April: What's your question?
Ron Swanson: My question is, what the hell?
April: Like, how did they know who you are?
Ron Swanson: Yeah.
April: Okay. Um, there are these things called cookies, where, like you go to a site and buy something, it'll remember you and then create ads for other stuff you might want to buy.
Ron Swanson: So it learns information? About me? That seems like an invasion of privacy.
April: Dude, if you think that's bad, go to Google Earth and type in your address.
[After looking at Google Earth, Ron goes outside and throws his computer in the dumpster]

Chris: I have here a receipt from Pawnee Supersuites Motel. Leslie Knope submitted that receipt for reimbursement. Taxpayers' money is not meant to be spent on a romantic getaway.
Leslie Knope: Donna, will you please describe what we were wearing the evening you saw us?
Donna: Um, khakis and button-down shirts, your basic white people clothes.
Leslie Knope: And when you walked into the room, what did it look like? Did it look like anything romantic had happened?
Donna: Oh, hell, no. I have ruined my share of hotel rooms, and trust me, nothing sexual happened in that room. It kind of looked like an office.

Chris: Leslie Knope! Good morning! It is snowing outside. Isn't that great?
Leslie Knope: You seem like you're in a good mood.
Chris: Actually, I'm quite miserable. I admire and respect you, and dragging you through an ethics trial is filling me with sadness. I have never felt so low.
Leslie Knope: Well, you're radiating pure joy.
Chris: I went to my herbalist and got two B-12 shots. And then I ate an unreasonable amount of St. John's wort, and my herbalist took this weird bee pollen paste rubbed it around my gums. And now my mouth feels like a spaceship.
[aside to camera:]
Chris: This is stressful. And stress leads to depression. And if I don't maintain an extremely high dosages of herbal remedies, I will get very depressed. Oh, God. It's happening right now.

Chris: Mr. Haverford, would you consider Leslie Knope a good employee?
Tom: Did Tom Ford turn around the house of Gucci?
Chris: I do not know, but I'll assume that that is a yes.

Leslie Knope: Can you please state your name for the committee?
Jerry: Garry Gergich.
Leslie Knope: Oh, God, Jerry. You can't even get your own name right.
Jerry: Actually, my real name is Garry.
Leslie Knope: Garry?
Jerry: On my first day here, the old director-- he called me Jerry, and I just didn't think I should correct him.
Leslie Knope: That's ridiculous. Your name is Jerry.
Jerry: No. Legally my name is Garry.
Leslie Knope: Garry Gergich? Jerry Gergich. Garry Gergich. Jerry Gergich. Garry Gergich. Jerry-- God, they're both horrible. But Jerry's better. I'm gonna call you Jerry. Okay, Jerry, do you remember a time... I'm sorry. I can't get over the Garry/Jerry thing.
Chris: Neither can I. Jerry, you can go. We need a five-minute break.

Leslie Knope: Ms. Perkins, Chris Traeger has questioned when my relationship with Ben Wyatt began. I'd like to direct you to your inbox and specifically an email entitled "yay". That's Y-A and 18 "Y"s and 44 exclamation points.
Ann: Yes, it is an email from you. Oh, and there's an attachment.
Leslie Knope: Mm. Intriguing. Could you play the attachment, please?
Ann: Sure.
[on video:]
Leslie Knope: In a world on the brink of financial meltdown... In a town unlike any other... An adorable man with a cute face and the future president of the United States-- what?-- went from being friends to being so much more. Ann! Ben and I hooked up last night! Aah! And I learned how to use iMovie. Call me later! Bye!

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Well, we've been at it for hours. And I did have some problem with my character witnesses.
[flashback:]
April: I don't know why Leslie Knope's on trial. Ethel Beavers did it! Beavers did it!
Allenbach: Sit down.
April: I will hold myself in contempt of the court!

Leslie Knope: Mr. Swanson, there has been a question posed about when my relationship with Ben Wyatt ended. Can you confirm that you own a cabin at 930-
Ron Swanson: Ah! Stop, please. I don't like to give out my address to anyone, much less have it on an official record.
Leslie Knope: Ron, don't be ridiculous. This is very important. Do you own a cabin-
Ron Swanson: Ah!
Leslie Knope: 9301 Cedarcrest Dr-
Ron Swanson: [imitates buzzer sounding]
Leslie Knope: 9301 Cedarcrest Dr--
Ron Swanson: Beep!
Ethel: I didn't hear that.
Leslie Knope: 9301 Cedarcrest Drive!
Ron Swanson: She's here.
Leslie Knope: Who's here?
Ron Swanson: My ex-wife, Tammy Two. I can smell the sulfur coming off her cloven hooves.
Chris: Good nose, Ron. Tammy Swanson is here. She'll be my next witness.

Leslie Knope: Is that a present for me?
Ben: Yeah. What do you think?
Leslie Knope: [gasps] Li'l Sebastian.
Ben: Yeah, I had him made for you at the toy store.
Leslie Knope: Aw, thank you so much for making my life so wonderful.
Ben: You're welcome.
Leslie Knope: I was talking to him.
Ben: Of course.
Leslie Knope: But also to you.

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Marcus Everett Langley was Pawnee's greatest lawyer at the turn of the century. His nickname was "Old Stone Face" because of his steely demeanor and because he got in an accident at the rock quarry and dynamite blew up his face.