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Two Funerals

‘Two Funerals’

Season 7, Episode 11 -  Aired February 17, 2015

After the town's beloved mayor, Walter Gunderson (guest star Bill Murray), passes away, Ben searches for a replacement. Ron is distraught when his barber of four decades dies. Meanwhile, Leslie helps Tom arrange an impromptu proposal to Lucy.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Donna: We're so sorry, Ron. You guys were close?
Ron Swanson: I've seen Salvatore the first Tuesday of the month for the past four decades. Same exact thing every time. I paid him $8. I sat in the same chair. Salvatore put the same cape over me. Then he'd always ask me about the same thing... nothing. It was perfect. Can't delay this forever. Excuse me. [at the casket] The three most important people in a man's life are his barber, his butcher, and his lover. I have lost one of those. Here's a tenner, Sal. As you know, I don't believe in tipping, so I will collect my change from your wife. [to Donna] I had an appointment with Salvatore scheduled for Tuesday. Look how raggedy my hair is. What am I supposed to be, some kind or rock star?


Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: So, Typhoon, what do you like to do for fun?
Typhoon: I'm writing an electronic opera about Brittany Murphy, and I do the chandelier design for my friend's drag puppet show.
Ron Swanson: No further questions.
Typhoon: All I really want to do is dance. Except lately all the good warehouse raves are filled with Eurotrash.
Ron Swanson: "Eurotrash," I like that. It is, indeed, a garbage continent.
Typhoon: Yes. Oh, my God. I had the worst time in Berlin last May. Everyone was on their stupid bikes. I was like, "Ew."
Ron Swanson: [laughs] Please, talk more about how you hate Europe and bicycles.

Quote from April

Bobby Newport: Hey, Ben, have you ever been to space? You should check it out. Seriously. I'm sure the Russian guys who built the rocket would be cool with it.
Ben: Really?
Bobby Newport: Just one thing, do you have $600,000? It's just, that's what they need for a deposit.
Ben: Oh. Well, no.
April: I've already been to space. I was the second person to walk on the moon. Buzz Aldrin. Nice to meet you.
Bobby Newport: Nice try. [chuckling] That's the guy from Toy Story.

Quote from Donna

Andy: Gunderson was mayor my entire life. Really makes you consider the "postulence" of time.
Donna: Sure.
Ron Swanson: Death is natural, Andrew. We're born, we survive as long as we're useful, and then we're killed, either by our body's natural decay or by those younger and stronger.
Donna: Speak for yourself. Before I die, I'm freezing my head like Ted Williams. Wait a thousand years, thaw it out, slap it on a robot, keep on balling.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] People are dying, moving, retiring. Too many endings. Not enough beginnings. We need something to begin, and I have just the thing: an underground dance competition. I'm realizing I know nothing about the logistics of how to start an underground dance competition, but someone here will.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Les-legally Blonde! Got you a little gift in New York.
Leslie Knope: You did? What did you get me? Ooh-la-la. Men's Ferragamo loafers? What am I supposed to do with these?
Tom: Yeah, you're right. I should probably keep them. They're a size 6 1/2. Too small for you anyway.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: How was your trip?
Tom: Amazing. A lot of great meetings. Plus, Lucy and I had the best time. It's for real, Leslie. We even went to a jewelry store and looked at rings.
Leslie Knope: No!
Tom: Shia LaBeouf is one hell of a jewelry designer, by the way. Man's really found his calling.

Quote from Andy

Ron Swanson: Donna, Andy, this is Carl. He owns the deli right next to my barber Salvatore's shop.
Carl: It's terrible, isn't it? First Salvatore and now Mayor Gunderson.
Ron Swanson: What? What happened? Explain yourself!
Carl: Oh, Ron, you didn't hear? Salvatore passed away yesterday.
Ron Swanson: [falls back] No. Jeez. No, it can't be.
Andy: Was he killed by a younger, stronger barber?

Quote from Joan Callamezzo

April: You should totally do it. You'd be an amazing mayor. Actually, you should be President of the universe.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh. You know, I really would make an incredible mayor. But, sadly, I cannot, because I'm only 27 years old.
Ben: Really? So you were born in the 1990s?
Joan Callamezzo: [top pops] Ooh! Mmhmm.

Quote from Perd Hapley

Leslie Knope: Everyone's scattering. Well, look at it this way, bad news comes in threes, right? We're leaving, April and Andy are leaving, Donna's leaving, that's three.
Jerry: Also I'm retiring.
Leslie Knope: That's three, Garry. But we're probably due for some good news.
Perd Hapley: [on TV] Good evening. I come to you tonight with some good news...
Leslie Knope: Hey.
Perd Hapley: Is not a sentence I will be saying to you right now, because beloved Pawnee Mayor Walter Gunderson has died. [all gasp]
Leslie Knope: Well, you jinxed us, Garry. Thanks a lot.

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