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‘Two Funerals’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Two Funerals

711. Two Funerals

Aired February 17, 2015

After the town's beloved mayor, Walter Gunderson (guest star Bill Murray), passes away, Ben searches for a replacement. Ron is distraught when his barber of four decades dies. Meanwhile, Leslie helps Tom arrange an impromptu proposal to Lucy.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Donna: We're so sorry, Ron. You guys were close?
Ron Swanson: I've seen Salvatore the first Tuesday of the month for the past four decades. Same exact thing every time. I paid him $8. I sat in the same chair. Salvatore put the same cape over me. Then he'd always ask me about the same thing... nothing. It was perfect. Can't delay this forever. Excuse me. [at the casket] The three most important people in a man's life are his barber, his butcher, and his lover. I have lost one of those. Here's a tenner, Sal. As you know, I don't believe in tipping, so I will collect my change from your wife. [to Donna] I had an appointment with Salvatore scheduled for Tuesday. Look how raggedy my hair is. What am I supposed to be, some kind or rock star?

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: So, Typhoon, what do you like to do for fun?
Typhoon: I'm writing an electronic opera about Brittany Murphy, and I do the chandelier design for my friend's drag puppet show.
Ron Swanson: No further questions.
Typhoon: All I really want to do is dance. Except lately all the good warehouse raves are filled with Eurotrash.
Ron Swanson: "Eurotrash," I like that. It is, indeed, a garbage continent.
Typhoon: Yes. Oh, my God. I had the worst time in Berlin last May. Everyone was on their stupid bikes. I was like, "Ew."
Ron Swanson: [laughs] Please, talk more about how you hate Europe and bicycles.

Quote from Donna

Andy: Gunderson was mayor my entire life. Really makes you consider the "postulence" of time.
Donna: Sure.
Ron Swanson: Death is natural, Andrew. We're born, we survive as long as we're useful, and then we're killed, either by our body's natural decay or by those younger and stronger.
Donna: Speak for yourself. Before I die, I'm freezing my head like Ted Williams. Wait a thousand years, thaw it out, slap it on a robot, keep on balling.

Quote from April

Bobby Newport: Hey, Ben, have you ever been to space? You should check it out. Seriously. I'm sure the Russian guys who built the rocket would be cool with it.
Ben: Really?
Bobby Newport: Just one thing, do you have $600,000? It's just, that's what they need for a deposit.
Ben: Oh. Well, no.
April: I've already been to space. I was the second person to walk on the moon. Buzz Aldrin. Nice to meet you.
Bobby Newport: Nice try. [chuckling] That's the guy from Toy Story.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] People are dying, moving, retiring. Too many endings. Not enough beginnings. We need something to begin, and I have just the thing: an underground dance competition. I'm realizing I know nothing about the logistics of how to start an underground dance competition, but someone here will.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Les-legally Blonde! Got you a little gift in New York.
Leslie Knope: You did? What did you get me? Ooh-la-la. Men's Ferragamo loafers? What am I supposed to do with these?
Tom: Yeah, you're right. I should probably keep them. They're a size 6 1/2. Too small for you anyway.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: How was your trip?
Tom: Amazing. A lot of great meetings. Plus, Lucy and I had the best time. It's for real, Leslie. We even went to a jewelry store and looked at rings.
Leslie Knope: No!
Tom: Shia LaBeouf is one hell of a jewelry designer, by the way. Man's really found his calling.

Quote from Andy

Ron Swanson: Donna, Andy, this is Carl. He owns the deli right next to my barber Salvatore's shop.
Carl: It's terrible, isn't it? First Salvatore and now Mayor Gunderson.
Ron Swanson: What? What happened? Explain yourself!
Carl: Oh, Ron, you didn't hear? Salvatore passed away yesterday.
Ron Swanson: [falls back] No. Jeez. No, it can't be.
Andy: Was he killed by a younger, stronger barber?

Quote from Perd Hapley

Leslie Knope: Everyone's scattering. Well, look at it this way, bad news comes in threes, right? We're leaving, April and Andy are leaving, Donna's leaving, that's three.
Jerry: Also I'm retiring.
Leslie Knope: That's three, Garry. But we're probably due for some good news.
Perd Hapley: [on TV] Good evening. I come to you tonight with some good news...
Leslie Knope: Hey.
Perd Hapley: Is not a sentence I will be saying to you right now, because beloved Pawnee Mayor Walter Gunderson has died. [all gasp]
Leslie Knope: Well, you jinxed us, Garry. Thanks a lot.

Quote from Ben

Ben: Walter Gunderson served Pawnee for 39 years. And as per his final wish, his body will lie in state in the city council chambers for a day, which is just a real cool thing for a public space. Also, he sent us a brief video message to be played for this event.
Walter Gunderson: [on video] Hello, Pawnee. My time in office has come to an end. A lot has been done. But I wasn't really doing very much. I wasn't paying attention most of the time. Fortunately, the citizens of Pawnee didn't pay attention either. So if there's credit to take, I will humbly take it. And if there is blame... it's your fault. Thank you. Good-bye forever.
Ben: Uh, okay. Well, that was really something.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Tom: Why can't everyone share our commitment to the basic concept of outrageous pageantry?
Leslie Knope: I don't know, Tom. I really don't.
Ian: Oh, no, what do you want, Leslie?
Leslie Knope: Hey, Ian. I need a gigantic banner that says, "Congratulations, Lucy and Tom," and I need it by tomorrow.
Ian: No way. Impossible.
Leslie Knope: Over the past 15 years, I have spent nearly $100,000 at your banner store. I have ordered banners for every personal and professional event that I've ever organized. My credit card company called me about it. Not to question the charges but to sincerely ask me if I was mentally stable.
Tom: See that Rolex Submariner on your wrist, bro? That's 'cause of Leslie. You'll have the banner done.

Quote from Joan Callamezzo

April: You should totally do it. You'd be an amazing mayor. Actually, you should be President of the universe.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh. You know, I really would make an incredible mayor. But, sadly, I cannot, because I'm only 27 years old.
Ben: Really? So you were born in the 1990s?
Joan Callamezzo: [top pops] Ooh! Mmhmm.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Donna: Buck up, Swanson. It's like you said, death is natural. And Sal lived a good, long life.
Ron Swanson: But so much is changing, and I've never been a fan of change. Salvatore was a constant in my life.
Ron Dunne: In my experience, the only constant is change.
Ron Swanson: Oh, [bleep.
Ron Dunne: Nice to see you, Ron. I couldn't help but overhear. Sure am sorry about your loss. Every time we lose a compadre, our collective lantern gets a little bit dimmer.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, you look awful familiar. Have we met before?
Ron Dunne: Oh, I'm sure our souls have collided in one lifetime or another.
Andy: No, that's not it. Are you in my Frisbee golf league?
Ron Dunne: Oh, yeah. I play for the Super Spinners.
Andy: Oh, I'm on the Frisbee Champs.
Ron Dunne: Oh, cool.
Andy: I named us.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Andrew, stop speaking to this man. He is the worst human being on Earth.
Ron Dunne: Oh, come on. Death makes brothers of us all. I've always found that when my soul aches with loss, it's best to turn to Eastern wisdom.
Ron Swanson: This is from the Isle of Islay in Scotland. This is as Eastern as my wisdom gets.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Donna: Swanson, this handsome spiritual cowboy may actually be right about turning to the East. I have an idea. Trust me?
Andy: Who cuts your hair?
Ron Dunne: Nobody. Whenever my hair feels it has completed its journey, it simply sheds itself off.
Ron Swanson: I hate you so much.
Ron Dunne: And I love you, my brother.

Quote from Tom

Lucy: What is all this?
Tom: Snakehole Lounge is where we first met. On our first date, I gave you a single daisy, like this. And after that, we ate late-night pancakes at JJ's. And while we were there, I pulled out a deck of cards, and I tried to show you a magic trick I learned off a David Blaine special. Unsurprisingly, I failed, and you made fun of me, ruthlessly. I haven't done this trick in a while, but I think I'm ready to try it again. Pick a card. No, no, no, no. Go a little bit over to the left. There you go.
[Lucy picks a two of hearts which reads "Will you marry me?"]
Lucy: Yes!
Tom: Really?
Lucy: Yes!
Tom: Yay.

Quote from Donna

Typhoon: Donna, this is crazy. Typhoon is an artist, and the human head--
Donna: Is his canvas.
Typhoon: Just listen, you're gonna cut the man's hair. You're gonna charge him $8. It'll take you four minutes. So just shut up and make the man look like this.
Typhoon: Fine. Ugh.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ian: Just under the wire.
Leslie Knope: Oh, Ian, thank you so much. It's great. Now throw it out. I need a new one, and I need it in 20 minutes.
Ian: Ugh.
Leslie Knope: Look, if you didn't want to be on call 24-7 for emergencies, then you should not have gone into the high-stakes world of banner making!


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