Ron Swanson: Hello, Tammy.
Tammy One: Ronald.
Ron Swanson: That's enough small talk. What do you want?
Tammy One: You remember what I do for a living, I trust?
Ron Swanson: Yes. You ruin people's lives.
Tammy One: You're being audited, Ronald.
Ron Swanson: I don't care.
Tammy One: Then why is your mustache trembling? I'm here as a friend. Call it nostalgia. Or perhaps guilt for all the times I tried to smother you in your sleep.
Ron Swanson: I don't need your help.
Tammy One: Wrong. You do. But as you're so fond of saying, it's a free country. Good luck. I hope you don't go to jail. [to April] Sit up straight. You're not doing your breasts any favors.
April: Thank you.
Andy: Hi. Your breasts look amazing.

Ron Swanson: You know, when I was 12, my brother shot me in the pinky toe with a nail gun. Granted, it was a hilarious prank, and we all had a good laugh.
Leslie Knope: That's awful.
Ron Swanson: But I avoided going to the doctor. I hate paperwork. After a few weeks, the toe just kinda fell off. Leslie Knope: You only have nine toes?
Ron Swanson: I have the toes I have. Let's just leave it at that. The point is the doctor said if I had come in right away, they might've saved the toe. You can't run away from your problems.
Leslie Knope: Especially if you only have nine toes. Sorry. That was uncalled for.
Ron Swanson: I'm Ron Swanson. And you're Leslie [bleep] Knope. You with me?

Jerry: Okay, so now you're sure that everything is okay, you know, down there?
Dr. Harris: You're perfectly healthy.
[aside to camera:]
Dr. Harris: That man has the largest penis I have ever seen. I actually don't even know if he has mumps. Forgot to look. I was distracted by the largest penis I have ever seen.

Leslie Knope: So did you get a chance to look at my sample position papers? How do you feel about my stance on Egyptian debt relief?
William Barnes: Uh, well, it probably won't come up in a local City Council election. But your thoroughness, as always, is impressive.
Leslie Knope: Thank you.
William Barnes: Now, we have three months. I think we should start talking strategy.
Leslie Knope: My strategy is to win.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I've been dreaming about running for public office my whole life. While other girls were playing with Barbies, I was playing with a Geraldine Ferraro action figure that I made myself from a picture of her that I glued onto a popsicle stick.

Ann: Hey. I didn't know who to come to with this, but that picture, uh--there's something very disturbing about the testicles.
Chris: I've always felt the same way myself. The testicles are like the ears of the genital system. They serve a very important function, but they're not that great to look at.
Ann: Okay, wow. No, I was speaking medically. They're enlarged. I think that maybe that guy is sick with something. Perhaps, a hernia, or mumps.
Chris: Ann Perkins! You really know your testes.
Ann: Thank you?

Perd Hapley: For a female perspective on this scandal, we turn to a woman, Leslie Knope. I'm about to ask you a question right now and that question is this. The lewd photo, just how big a deal is it?
Leslie Knope: Well, frankly, Perd, it's not that big a deal. If you know what I mean.
Perd Hapley: [laughing heartily] I don't know what you mean. But it had the cadence of a joke.
[on TV broadcast:]
Leslie Knope: When men in government behave this way, they betray the public's trust. Maybe it's time for more women to be in charge.
Perd Hapley: There you have it, where "it" is the thing Leslie Knope just said about this situation.

Leslie Knope: Ok, so here's what's going on.
Ron Swanson: I didn't ask.
Leslie Knope: By Friday, I'm supposed to announce that I'm running for City Council, and I haven't told Ben yet. I know I said that we broke up, but we couldn't. We're still dating. But now I have to break up with him for real, but I don't wanna break up with him because he's so cute. He's so nice.
Ron Swanson: If you're gonna stay here, there are three rules you need to follow. One, no talk about Tammy One. Two, no talk about Ben. Three, no talk.
Leslie Knope: I didn't even ask you last night. What is going on with Tammy one?
Ron Swanson: You just violated rules number one and three. You lose your coffee privileges. Oh, you choose, Knope. Hunting, fishing, or drinking?
Leslie Knope: I'd really love to shoot a gun right now.
Ron Swanson: Fishing it is.

Ron Swanson: If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves like adults. I'll be in my office, waiting for Tammy One.
April: You want me to find her?
Ron Swanson: There's no need. She'll find me. She has the tracking ability and body odor of a bloodhound.

Ron Swanson: Knope, follow me.
Leslie Knope: Just one second.
Ron Swanson: Now!
Leslie Knope: Ron, hey! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ron! Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ron! What's going on?
Ron Swanson: My ex-wife Tammy is back.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, I saw her in the courtyard.
Ron Swanson: No, my other ex-wife Tammy. [Leslie gasps] Tammy One. I have accrued 228 personal days. Starting right now, I'm using all of them. [grunts] While I'm gone, you're in charge. Also, I keep a sizable supply of ground chuck in my desk. Remove it or it will begin to smell. Godspeed.

Tom: Warning! High levels of swagger coming through. Tommy Haverford back in the Parks Department. Entertainment 7Twenty hockey jersey, anybody? Branded mouse pad?
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Entertainment 7Twenty is just a little multi-national entertainment company that I started with my boy Jean-Ralphio. What exactly do we do? Let's just say it's too hard to explain.