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‘Camping’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Camping

308. Camping

Aired March 24, 2011

Leslie wants to follow up the Harvest Festival with another great idea, so she takes her colleagues away on a camping trip to brainstorm ideas.

Quote from Tom

Tom: I've never been before, but I think I'm gonna love it.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Why am I gonna love it? Skymall! Come check out my tent. I ordered a bunch of crap off Skymall. I got my TV, my XBox, DVD. Awesome bed right there. DJ Roomba's in the mix. Ah, it's like I'm not even camping. This is actually a dog couch, but it's super comfortable.

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Quote from April

April: [answers phone] Hey. Where are you?
Andy: I'm here. Where are you?
April: We're inside the main entrance. Near the sign that says Pawnee campground.
Andy: Oh... I'm in a totally different place. That's why we can't see each other.
April: [on the phone] My God, Andy. I don't even want to be here. The air is too fresh. It's disgusting. I can't breathe. There's a brook somewhere that won't stop babbling. Shut up!

Quote from Ann

Chris: No, you have to understand that at the time, I genuinely thought that you and I would never see each other again.
Ann: I completely understand.
Chris: Well, that's what makes you so amazing.
Ann: No.
Chris: Ann Perkins. Amazing. [Ann goes into kiss Chris] Oh, no.
Ann: Oh, no? Oh, no.
Chris: No, no, no. I wasn't saying that I thought we should get back together again.
Ann: But you said that... You indicated... Oh, my God, this is happening again.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: I have to move, right? Yeah. I'm gonna leave the country. Bye, everybody. Bye.

Quote from Ben

Ben: All right, I call this wonderful spot.
Jerry: You didn't bring a tent?
Ben: I don't really go camping, ever, Jerry, so I'm not gonna spend $150 on a tent. I'm just gonna sleep on the floor.
Ron Swanson: It's called the ground when it's outside.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: Here is our official retreat schedule. It divides our time evenly between work and play.
Ron Swanson: Come on, everybody, let's hustle. Let's get to the brainstorming.
Leslie Knope: Great attitude, Ron!
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I just wanna get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some fishing. Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

Quote from Tom

Ben: Hey, Tom.
Tom: One second, I'm just in the middle of a head massage. [shuts off massager] That's a good stopping point. What's up?
Ben: Uh... You wanna bounce some ideas off each other?
Tom: Here's a better idea. How 'bout I bounce my way over to my dog couch and watch a little season six of Top Chef?
Ben: All right.
Tom: I know Leslie seems upset. But the truth is, she's better than us at this stuff by a thousand miles. So there's really no point. Care for some fondue?
Ben: Yeah. Hey, how do you afford all this stuff?
Tom: I just return it the next day and claim it was defective. The key is crying a lot. No one likes to hear a grown man cry. [feigning tears] And then my hand accidentally went in the panini press! [sobs]

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: Wow, the sky is really beautiful.
Leslie Knope: It's pollution from the Sweetums factory. It's gorgeous. But is it worth the asthma?
Ben: No.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: And when she looked in the back of her car, she saw that, even though it was her own private property, she would be forced to take it in... [shouts] for a state inspection!

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: We need big ideas, and we need 'em now. Who wants to go first?
Ron Swanson: I propose that we take all the money we made from the Harvest Festival and return it to the citizens.
Leslie Knope: So how much would that be per person?
Ron Swanson: About 83 cents. Per household. Before postage. Are we done?

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: I mean, yes, my daughter might think she is old enough to be sexually active with her boyfriend. But I'm sorry, 16. That... That just seems too young to be on birth control. You know, I was 24 when Gayle took my virginity.
Ron Swanson: What's say we just stand here in silence. And think of ideas... for projects.
Jerry: You know what I should do? I should lead a teen abstinence workshop.
Ron Swanson: That might be incredibly effective.

Quote from Donna

Donna: Luxury Dog Park.
Leslie Knope: Do you wanna tell us anymore?
Donna: Poodles only. No pooping.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [answers phone] Hello?
April: Andy, you have to save me. I'm camping with people I work with.
Andy: Hello, April?
April: Hello?
Andy: Walk around in circles, like I am, help triangulate the phone call.

Quote from Tom

Tom: If that's a coyote, someone needs to pick me up off the ground, now.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Leslie, just tell us your idea. NCIS: Los Angeles Season One isn't gonna watch itself.

Quote from Tom

Tom: Chocolate or butterscotch?
Ben: Uh, swirl me. Dude, camping is awesome. I love it.
Ron Swanson: Excuse me, gentlemen. How long have you been running power to this tent?
Tom: I don't know. How long have we been here?
Ron Swanson: Ten hours. [power cuts out]
Tom: No! I was Tivoing Cupcake Wars.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] I have a good feeling about this B&B. One day, there's gonna be a plaque there that reads, "This is where Leslie Knope came up with the amazing idea for..." Damn, I thought that would work.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Elsa Clack: Welcome to "The Quiet Corn". I'm Elsa Clack. Breakfast is served between 5:30 and 6:15 A.M.
April: What if we sleep to a normal hour?
Elsa Clack: Well, that would be very rude of you. May I take your breakfast order? We have hardboiled eggs, homemade tomato slices with dry seed and leek jam, and your choice of German muffin.
Ron Swanson: What the [bleep] is a German muffin?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] That was the second most awkward way a man has ever grabbed my breast.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: All right, guys, everybody listen up. Just a few notes about our camping retreat tomorrow. We're all gonna meet here and leave as a group at 6:45 A.M., promptly.
Donna: Why are we doing this?
Leslie Knope: Harvest Fest is over. We do not want to have a sophomore slump. This camping trip is our chance to think of some really big ideas.
Ron Swanson: Why don't you just tell us what our next project is, and I'll go camping by myself.
Leslie Knope: Look, I have ideas, Ron, okay? I have like a hundred new ideas. But the point is, the pressure is on. We only have one chance to make a second impression.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Tom: I have a question. What if we're scaling a cliff and I start to fall? Can I grab onto your boob for support?
April: No, Tom, don't! Her boob kills!
Leslie Knope: My boob does not kill. Paul did not die. He had a heart attack which required an octuple bypass. Besides, the Pawnee Sun said that my chest saved his life.
[aside to camera: Leslie holds a tabloid newspaper with the headline "Knope Grope Is Last Hope"]

Quote from Andy

Andy: Hey, you gotta hear this hilarious story that he's telling me. Tell her what happened.
Kyle: My identity was stolen.
Andy: His identity was stolen! [laughing] Tell her about the accounts.
Kyle: They were frozen.
Andy: [laughing] Frozen.
April: Bye, Kyle.

Quote from Ann

Chris: Anne Perkins!
Ann: Chris. Hey. I heard you were back.
Chris: Yeah.
Ann: I didn't do this because of you.
Chris: Uh, well, it looks great. Yeah, you look great. Am I right? It's... So good running into you. You know, we should get together soon. I'd love to catch up.
Ann: Me too! Ketchup and mustard. Ketchup and mustard, I just was...
Chris: Oh! [laughing] That is so delightful. I relish your wit. [chuckling]
Ann: Well, I salsa... your face.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ann: I should hate him. He broke up with me.
Leslie Knope: Well, there was an ex that I still liked after he broke up with me, but it was really hard to stay mad at him. He was an amazing dentist.

Quote from Andy

Andy: [aside to camera] It's really important to me that April loves camping, so I went ahead and set up the ultimate campsite love nest. Complete with beautiful starlight. You got champagne. Also, rose petals. As you can see, they smell terrific.

Quote from Jerry

Tom: What do Jay-Z, Lil Wayne, and Drake all have in common?
Jerry: Oh, I know this one. They are all rap-pists.
Tom: Oh, my God, they're Rappers, Jerry!

Quote from Tom

Tom: What they have in common is none of them have ever performed in Pawnee. Why? Because we don't have an adequate concert venue. Until now. The Pawnee Amphitheater!
Ann: How much would that cost?
Tom: Not that much. $200, $300 million.
Ann: Right.
Leslie Knope: Great.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: I'm so screwed, Ann. The meeting is tomorrow and I don't have anything.
Ann: Why not just build the park on the lot behind my house?
Leslie Knope: Chris wants the new project to generate revenue.
Ann: What about those binders in your office?
Leslie Knope: They're filled with small ideas! We need a big, juicy idea. I'm so desperate, I even brought in my "Dream Journal", hoping it would inspire me.
Ann: "I married Alf, and we're pretty happy." Sounds nice.
Leslie Knope: It was.

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: Ben, this new project idea, it's not really a big deal. I'm probably making too much out of it.
Ben: No, no, no. It's really big. I mean, you've got everyone's attention with the Harvest Festival, and now you're gonna seal the deal. It's the chance you've been waiting for.
Leslie Knope: Well, what if the festival was, like, a high point for me, and I never do anything better than that?
Ben: Then you wouldn't be Leslie Knope.
Leslie Knope: So I have to keep thinking about good ideas all the time, or I'm no longer myself?
Ben: No, no, no. Not at all. I... I've just honestly never met someone who works as hard as you do. I mean, you're like the energizer bunny of city government.

Quote from Chris

Chris: Hey, guys.
Ben: What are you doing here?
Chris: I was just out for my nighttime run, and I thought, "why not go visit the Parks Department?" How's everything going here?
Leslie Knope: Super great. Really well. We have a great idea.
Chris: Ooh, tell me now! While I sit on this boulder. I'm much more receptive to new ideas when my heart rate is still elevated.

Quote from Tom

Ben: Oh, good lord.
Tom: I call the bed!
Ben: Awesome.
Tom: I hate this place. This place is the exact opposite of Skymall.
Ben: Oh, listen to this. "Dear Quiet Corn, thank you for your beautiful Inn. My wife and I spent three nights of ecstasy in this room."
Both: Ugh!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Chris: Where's Leslie?
Ron Swanson: Not 100% sure.
Ben: Should we reschedule or...
Ron Swanson: Nope, she'll be here.
Leslie Knope: Good morning! So I just slept seven hours, which is twice as long as I usually sleep, so I'm a little disoriented. But I did wake up with a million ideas, and Ron would not let me have any paper, so I had to write them down on this doily. We should buy a telescope and make the old ranger station in Ramsett Park an Observatory. That way, we could sell tickets and have class trips.
Chris: I like it!
Leslie Knope: Good! We'll have theme night at the Park. We could have singles, um, date night, uh, seniors, and we could have a citywide yard sale, which would be part auction, part Antiques Road Show. And then we could have the professors from the Community College come in and assign value to the objects. And then we could split the profits for the school. It'd be a lot of fun.
Ron Swanson: I'll see you boys later.
Leslie Knope: Bye, Ron!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] They say you're only as good as your last idea. I say you're only as good as the people you work with. Leslie Knope is back. Ha ha! Oh, my God, my breath is so bad.


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