Tom: I've never been before, but I think I'm gonna love it.
[aside to camera:]
Tom: Why am I gonna love it? Skymall! Come check out my tent. I ordered a bunch of crap off Skymall. I got my TV, my XBox, DVD. Awesome bed right there. DJ Roomba's in the mix. Ah, it's like I'm not even camping. This is actually a dog couch, but it's super comfortable.

April: [answers phone] Hey. Where are you?
Andy: I'm here. Where are you?
April: We're inside the main entrance. Near the sign that says Pawnee campground.
Andy: Oh... I'm in a totally different place. That's why we can't see each other.
April: [on the phone] My God, Andy. I don't even want to be here. The air is too fresh. It's disgusting. I can't breathe. There's a brook somewhere that won't stop babbling. Shut up!

Chris: No, you have to understand that at the time, I genuinely thought that you and I would never see each other again.
Ann: I completely understand.
Chris: Well, that's what makes you so amazing.
Ann: No.
Chris: Ann Perkins. Amazing. [Ann goes into kiss Chris] Oh, no.
Ann: Oh, no? Oh, no.
Chris: No, no, no. I wasn't saying that I thought we should get back together again.
Ann: But you said that... You indicated... Oh, my God, this is happening again.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: I have to move, right? Yeah. I'm gonna leave the country. Bye, everybody. Bye.

Ben: All right, I call this wonderful spot.
Jerry: You didn't bring a tent?
Ben: I don't really go camping, ever, Jerry, so I'm not gonna spend $150 on a tent. I'm just gonna sleep on the floor.
Ron Swanson: It's called the ground when it's outside.

Ron Swanson: And when she looked in the back of her car, she saw that, even though it was her own private property, she would be forced to take it in... [shouts] for a state inspection!

Leslie Knope: Here is our official retreat schedule. It divides our time evenly between work and play.
Ron Swanson: Come on, everybody, let's hustle. Let's get to the brainstorming.
Leslie Knope: Great attitude, Ron!
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I just wanna get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some fishing. Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

Ben: Hey, Tom.
Tom: One second, I'm just in the middle of a head massage. [shuts off massager] That's a good stopping point. What's up?
Ben: Uh... You wanna bounce some ideas off each other?
Tom: Here's a better idea. How 'bout I bounce my way over to my dog couch and watch a little season six of Top Chef?
Ben: All right.
Tom: I know Leslie seems upset. But the truth is, she's better than us at this stuff by a thousand miles. So there's really no point. Care for some fondue?
Ben: Yeah. Hey, how do you afford all this stuff?
Tom: I just return it the next day and claim it was defective. The key is crying a lot. No one likes to hear a grown man cry. [feigning tears] And then my hand accidentally went in the panini press! [sobs]

Ben: Wow, the sky is really beautiful.
Leslie Knope: It's pollution from the Sweetums factory. It's gorgeous. But is it worth the asthma?
Ben: No.

Leslie Knope: We need big ideas, and we need 'em now. Who wants to go first?
Ron Swanson: I propose that we take all the money we made from the Harvest Festival and return it to the citizens.
Leslie Knope: So how much would that be per person?
Ron Swanson: About 83 cents. Per household. Before postage. Are we done?

Jerry: I mean, yes, my daughter might think she is old enough to be sexually active with her boyfriend. But I'm sorry, 16. That... That just seems too young to be on birth control. You know, I was 24 when Gayle took my virginity.
Ron Swanson: What's say we just stand here in silence. And think of ideas... for projects.
Jerry: You know what I should do? I should lead a teen abstinence workshop.
Ron Swanson: That might be incredibly effective.