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‘Pie-Mary’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Pie-Mary

709. Pie-Mary

Aired February 10, 2015

Leslie and Ben resist the stereotypical gender roles around politicians and their spouses. Meanwhile, April, Andy and Ron go on a quest to find a long-lost key, and Donna catches up with Jerry.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Jennifer Barkley: We need to go over the schedule leading up to the primary. Let's talk shop.
Leslie Knope: Ooh, shop talk! One of my five favorite types of talk, along with pillow, girl, real, and TED.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

April: So I guess we are celebrating that you trusted me and I let you down. Great.
Ron Swanson: I change my house locks every 16 days. That key has been useless since the second Tuesday after I gave it to you. What matters is that I trust you and admire you as a person. I will be sorry to see you leave this town for many reasons... not the least of which is that you created a puzzle that even I couldn't solve. And boy, oh, boy, did you love Andy. [laughs] "Woof, woof." [laughs] It really is embarrassing.
April: Oh, my God. I totally know where the key is.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: How'd you remember?
April: "Woof, woof." Bark.
Ron Swanson: Why here?
April: Because this tree reminds me of you. It's strong and quiet and always here when you need it... or whatever.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I have always felt a certain kinship with April, and this is proof that I was correct. Not the nice things she said about me, the fact that I buried a large amount of gold under that same tree years ago. I've since moved it. Or have I?

Quote from Ben

Ben: Well, how about this? What if I register for the contest? I bake the pie. I act as my own wife.
Leslie Knope: Oh, that could work. We sidestep the controversy, we refocus the campaign onto the actual candidate, and then we flip the antiquated tradition right on its head.
Ben: Exactly, but more importantly, we change the idea of what a pie is.
Leslie Knope: I feel like that's not more important, but I-I like the energy that we have, so let's hear it.
Ben: Okay. Picture this. Crust on the bottom, filling, crust on top. What am I describing?
Leslie Knope: A pie.
Ben: No, but you're in the right zone.
Leslie Knope: Oh.
Ben: Calzone!
Leslie Knope: Sure.
Ben: Pies are just sweet calzones, honey, and I'm good at making calzones.
Leslie Knope: You're amazing.
Ben: I can win this thing.
Leslie Knope: Of course you can, baby! Get in there and start baking!
Ben: [sings] Talk about the highway To the calzone-zone!

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Thank you, Ben. Well, the first thing I'm gonna do is say sorry. I'm sorry that the spotlight is on me and not on Ben, because he is going to make a great congressman. Second, the Male Men. Where are you? Ah! You're ridiculous, and men's rights is nothing. Third, I'm now gonna give you permanent answers to all the silly questions that you're gonna end up asking me and every other woman in this election over the next few months. Why did I change my hairstyle? Well, I don't know, I just thought it would look better. Or my kids got gum in it. Are you trying to have it all? That question makes no sense. It's a stupid question. Stop asking it. Don't ask it. Do you miss your kids while you're at work? Yes, of course I do. Everybody does. And then, you know, sometimes I don't.
Ben: Yeah, and by the way, no one's ever asked me that question. No one asks me, "Where are your kids?" Or "Who's taking care of them?" By the way, who is taking care of the kids right now?
Leslie Knope: My mom, babe. Everything's fine.
Ben: So maybe Leslie doesn't fit your personal idea of what a candidate's wife should be. So what? That's good, because there shouldn't be just one idea anyway.
Leslie Knope: That's right. If you want to bake a pie, that's great. If you want to have a career, that's great too. Do both or neither. It doesn't matter. Just don't judge what someone else has decided to do. I mean, we're all just trying to find the right path for us as individuals on this Earth. [boos, cheers and applause]
Ben: I'd say that's 50/50 boos and cheers.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, that seems about right.

Quote from Donna

Ron Swanson: We have a wonderfully small number of clues. One is this ticket. Did you see this movie about vampires and such?
Donna: New Moon? Yeah, I saw it with April. She was so hopped up on painkillers from getting her wisdom teeth out, I convinced her to see it with me.
Ron Swanson: The teeth! They're yours.
Donna: You were super out of it. You kept yelling, "Team Voldemort!" at the screen, and we were kicked out. I was furious. You only get to see the second Twilight film for the seventh time once.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ben: This neighborhood has been mostly abandoned for years, but now, thanks to the new Gryzzl headquarters, this district will soon transform into a hub of innovation for decades to come.
Reporter: Mr. Wyatt! Your campaign released a schedule, and it looks like your wife is skipping the Pie-mary. Care to explain?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: The Pie-mary is a Southern Indiana tradition where Congressional candidates' wives face off in a pie-baking contest. The last contest winner was June Hartwell's buttermilk meringue. Last contest loser was all women.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Well, it only took three hours for Jen to be right. I'm officially a distraction. I'm gonna enter that Pie-mary.
Ben: This is just nonsense. It'll blow over. And the Pie-mary is ridiculous and antiquated.
Leslie Knope: But the more they talk about this, the less they're gonna talk about your economic plan. Besides, I'm good at making pies, so I'll win, and then I can promote my self-published women's rights barbecue cookbook, "The Feminine Mesquite". Everything's fine.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Elise. Oh... What did I do wrong now?
Elise Yarktin: No, actually, we at the I.O.W. loved what you said in your speech.
Leslie Knope: Really?
Elise Yarktin: But what we loved even more was how you, Ben, gave Leslie a platform in which to speak her mind. Congratulations, Ben Wyatt. You are this year's I.O.W. Woman of the Year.
Leslie Knope: Son of a bitch.

Quote from Ben

Leslie Knope: How's your pie?
Ben: I don't know. I didn't make a pie.
Leslie Knope: [laughs] Okay. How is your dessert calzone?
Ben: It's ready. The question is, are they?

Quote from Ben

Ben: Why are you wearing a poncho?
Jennifer Barkley: Oh, because every surface area in your house is sticky. Last time I was here, I found a melted crayon on my blazer.

Quote from Ron Swanson

April: I know you normally hate foundations, but this one I think you'll actually like. We take people that don't know what they want to do and then put them to work doing cool stuff all over the world, and I start in a couple months.
Ron Swanson: Well, I had hoped you'd choose a more dignified trade like masonry or logging, but you are out of local government, and that's a step in the right direction.
April: It's definitely the job I wanted... But it means that we have to move to Washington.
Ron Swanson: Well... then bully for you. If you intend to move, I suppose you should return the spare key to my house, the one I gave you years ago when you were my assistant, for emergencies.
April: Okay.
Ron Swanson: Good talk.

Quote from April

Andy: My desk was right here, sitting right on top of it this whole time. How much money is it?
April: It's not money. I told you, it's Ron's key. I hid it in here years ago.
Andy: Ah! Wait! Yeah, no. No key. Just a note and a movie ticket stub and four teeth.
April: "If you are looking for Ron's key, I moved it, and you'll never find it. Cordially, April."
Andy: Well, where'd you put it, then?
April: I don't know. It was eight years ago. Oh, God. A key to Ron's house is lost in a government building. That's his worst nightmare.

Quote from Andy

Andy: Listen, babe. All we got to do is train Champion to sniff out Ron's key.
April: Okay.
Andy: All we need is Ron's key to give him a scent. So give me the key, and I'll get you that key.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: The I.O.W. does not mess around, which, normally, is why I love them, but now I'm on the other side. Oh, my God, Ben! I gave them $100 in their annual pledge. Do you know how many anti-me signs that could buy?

Quote from Donna

Jerry: Donna, what are you doing here so early?
Donna: I come bearing gifts. First off, I got a dude in maintenance to open up that grate this morning. So here's your rings, keys, credit cards, and I found some heart medicine I assume is yours.
Jerry: Yeah, no, that's mine. That's mine. Oh, my gosh.
Donna: Also, I thought I'd bring over some fresh oranges for you and Gayle.
Jerry: Okay, well, that is just so kind, Donna. Thank you.
Donna: You're one of a kind, Garry.
Jerry: Oh.
Donna: And I just want to thank you for taking me down memory lane, you big B word.
Jerry: Oh.
Donna: "Buddy."

Quote from Ben

Ben: Good afternoon. I'm here today to share with you all my vision for the economic future of Southern Indiana, but first, Leslie Knope, my wife... has a brief statement.
Leslie Knope: Hello, everyone. Thank you. Wow. How about this weather we're having? Very temperate. Okay. Recently, I made an attempt to--
Ben: Actually, hang on. Stop. I'm sorry. This whole thing just makes me queasy I love how independent my wife is, and because of that, I will not let her speak. That came out wrong. The point is Leslie is a great mother, public servant, all-around person, and I am tired of everybody constantly telling her that she's making the wrong choice. So you can say whatever you want. I couldn't care less about the political consequences.


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