Jennifer Barkley: We need to go over the schedule leading up to the primary. Let's talk shop.
Leslie Knope: Ooh, shop talk! One of my five favorite types of talk, along with pillow, girl, real, and TED.

April: So I guess we are celebrating that you trusted me and I let you down. Great.
Ron Swanson: I change my house locks every 16 days. That key has been useless since the second Tuesday after I gave it to you. What matters is that I trust you and admire you as a person. I will be sorry to see you leave this town for many reasons... not the least of which is that you created a puzzle that even I couldn't solve. And boy, oh, boy, did you love Andy. [laughs] "Woof, woof." [laughs] It really is embarrassing.
April: Oh, my God. I totally know where the key is.

Ron Swanson: How'd you remember?
April: "Woof, woof." Bark.
Ron Swanson: Why here?
April: Because this tree reminds me of you. It's strong and quiet and always here when you need it... or whatever.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I have always felt a certain kinship with April, and this is proof that I was correct. Not the nice things she said about me, the fact that I buried a large amount of gold under that same tree years ago. I've since moved it. Or have I?

Ben: Well, how about this? What if I register for the contest? I bake the pie. I act as my own wife.
Leslie Knope: Oh, that could work. We sidestep the controversy, we refocus the campaign onto the actual candidate, and then we flip the antiquated tradition right on its head.
Ben: Exactly, but more importantly, we change the idea of what a pie is.
Leslie Knope: I feel like that's not more important, but I-I like the energy that we have, so let's hear it.
Ben: Okay. Picture this. Crust on the bottom, filling, crust on top. What am I describing?
Leslie Knope: A pie.
Ben: No, but you're in the right zone.
Leslie Knope: Oh.
Ben: Calzone!
Leslie Knope: Sure.
Ben: Pies are just sweet calzones, honey, and I'm good at making calzones.
Leslie Knope: You're amazing.
Ben: I can win this thing.
Leslie Knope: Of course you can, baby! Get in there and start baking!
Ben: [sings] Talk about the highway To the calzone-zone!

Leslie Knope: Thank you, Ben. Well, the first thing I'm gonna do is say sorry. I'm sorry that the spotlight is on me and not on Ben, because he is going to make a great congressman. Second, the Male Men. Where are you? Ah! You're ridiculous, and men's rights is nothing. Third, I'm now gonna give you permanent answers to all the silly questions that you're gonna end up asking me and every other woman in this election over the next few months. Why did I change my hairstyle? Well, I don't know, I just thought it would look better. Or my kids got gum in it. Are you trying to have it all? That question makes no sense. It's a stupid question. Stop asking it. Don't ask it. Do you miss your kids while you're at work? Yes, of course I do. Everybody does. And then, you know, sometimes I don't.
Ben: Yeah, and by the way, no one's ever asked me that question. No one asks me, "Where are your kids?" Or "Who's taking care of them?" By the way, who is taking care of the kids right now?
Leslie Knope: My mom, babe. Everything's fine.
Ben: So maybe Leslie doesn't fit your personal idea of what a candidate's wife should be. So what? That's good, because there shouldn't be just one idea anyway.
Leslie Knope: That's right. If you want to bake a pie, that's great. If you want to have a career, that's great too. Do both or neither. It doesn't matter. Just don't judge what someone else has decided to do. I mean, we're all just trying to find the right path for us as individuals on this Earth. [boos, cheers and applause]
Ben: I'd say that's 50/50 boos and cheers.
Leslie Knope: Yeah, that seems about right.

Ron Swanson: We have a wonderfully small number of clues. One is this ticket. Did you see this movie about vampires and such?
Donna: New Moon? Yeah, I saw it with April. She was so hopped up on painkillers from getting her wisdom teeth out, I convinced her to see it with me.
Ron Swanson: The teeth! They're yours.
Donna: You were super out of it. You kept yelling, "Team Voldemort!" at the screen, and we were kicked out. I was furious. You only get to see the second Twilight film for the seventh time once.

Ben: This neighborhood has been mostly abandoned for years, but now, thanks to the new Gryzzl headquarters, this district will soon transform into a hub of innovation for decades to come.
Reporter: Mr. Wyatt! Your campaign released a schedule, and it looks like your wife is skipping the Pie-mary. Care to explain?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: The Pie-mary is a Southern Indiana tradition where Congressional candidates' wives face off in a pie-baking contest. The last contest winner was June Hartwell's buttermilk meringue. Last contest loser was all women.

Leslie Knope: Well, it only took three hours for Jen to be right. I'm officially a distraction. I'm gonna enter that Pie-mary.
Ben: This is just nonsense. It'll blow over. And the Pie-mary is ridiculous and antiquated.
Leslie Knope: But the more they talk about this, the less they're gonna talk about your economic plan. Besides, I'm good at making pies, so I'll win, and then I can promote my self-published women's rights barbecue cookbook, "The Feminine Mesquite". Everything's fine.

Leslie Knope: Elise. Oh... What did I do wrong now?
Elise Yarktin: No, actually, we at the I.O.W. loved what you said in your speech.
Leslie Knope: Really?
Elise Yarktin: But what we loved even more was how you, Ben, gave Leslie a platform in which to speak her mind. Congratulations, Ben Wyatt. You are this year's I.O.W. Woman of the Year.
Leslie Knope: Son of a bitch.

Andy: My desk was right here, sitting right on top of it this whole time. How much money is it?
April: It's not money. I told you, it's Ron's key. I hid it in here years ago.
Andy: Ah! Wait! Yeah, no. No key. Just a note and a movie ticket stub and four teeth.
April: "If you are looking for Ron's key, I moved it, and you'll never find it. Cordially, April."
Andy: Well, where'd you put it, then?
April: I don't know. It was eight years ago. Oh, God. A key to Ron's house is lost in a government building. That's his worst nightmare.