Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Reporter’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: The Reporter

103. The Reporter

Aired April 23, 2009

Leslie invites a local reporter to write a story about the pit, but the interviews go badly. Meanwhile, Tom holds back as he plays online Scrabble against his boss, Ron Swanson.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: So I have a piece of good news. I've invited a reporter to come do an article about the pit behind your house. She writes for the Pawnee Journal, which is kind of like our town's Washington Post.
Ann: That sounds really good.
Leslie Knope: Thank you, Ann. It is a classic strategy. The press is a weapon and you can use it to kill people or to feed people. You know, the beginning of projects are very vulnerable, and you have to make sure that you get a lot of press, 'cause the momentum of that can kind of keep it alive, or else it'll die. I mean, I'm sure you remember the Tucker Park Graffiti Removal Project.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: The Tucker Park Graffiti Removal Project was a great idea that just ran out of steam. We had removed five cartoon penises, not even 10%, when we were shut down due to lack of funding. To this day, I am haunted by those remaining penises. One penis in particular.

Rate

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: So there are 10 murals here in this hallway. And this is called "The Trial of Chief Wamapo." It was painted in 1936 and this is Chief Wamapo and he was convicted of crimes against... the soldiers. I am always amazed at his quiet dignity... right before he's killed by a cannonball.
Shauna: I'm surprised no one's complained about this.
Leslie Knope: Oh, tons of people have. Yeah, we get letters every day.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Tom: [singsongy] Ron Swanson.
Ron Swanson: Tom.
Tom: Ron, I don't know what to tell you, man. April got on my computer. Password was saved. She played a couple of Scrabble words. It wasn't me. I don't even know what lexicons are. I thought that was a luxury automobile. You're the word king. She was probably cheating.
Ron Swanson: I knew that couldn't have been you. You don't have the vocabulary.
Tom: I know.
Ron Swanson: You can't even spell vocabulary.
Tom: Yeah. V-O-G-X... Was that right? No.
Ron Swanson: We're cool.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I'm not an idiot. I know Tom has been losing to me on purpose. But I like Tom. He doesn't do a lot of work around here. He shows zero initiative. He's not a team player. He's never one to go that extra mile. Tom is exactly what I'm looking for in a government employee.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: This is Ron Swanson, our boss. Ron, this is the reporter I was telling you about.
Ron Swanson: No comment.
Shauna: About what?

Quote from Ann

Ann: [aside to camera] Leslie formed a committee to fill the pit in a week, which is really impressive. I mean, until now, my only experience with government was trying to get a recycling bin. Wait. Did I ever get it?

Quote from Leslie Knope

Jerry: Okay, now, see, here's a good example of a plant that you can't eat. See all the spikes? So, two things. One, it's poisonous. And two, it would hurt.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: The Parks Department has so many programs. Jerry's in charge of our pre-teen nature hikes. For a while, it was a teenage nature hike, but then we changed it because a girl got pregnant.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Jerry: Look what we have here, country honeysuckle, Pawnee-style. Yeah, take a look at that.
Leslie Knope: Wow.
Jerry: It's pretty and it smells good.
Leslie Knope: Mmm. Smells great.
Jerry: Yeah, it's really nice.
Leslie Knope: Mmm. Oh, that's bitter.
Jerry: Leslie, you don't eat it.
Leslie Knope: Oh! Why did you let me eat that?
Jerry: I never told you to eat that.
Leslie Knope: Oh! God.
Jerry: Leslie, the animals know you don't eat the country honeysuckle.
Leslie Knope: I'm not an animal. My tongue is swelling up.
Jerry: No, don't touch it! No, you can't... Okay, now you'll have to throw that away.
Leslie Knope: Let's not scare the kids.
Jerry: Okay. All right. All right. Well, there we go then. Let's see what else is here.
Leslie Knope: So let's tell them what other plants we can eat, Jerry.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: [mumbled] But I have to say, there's a very sweet aftertaste though.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Shauna: Shauna.
Leslie Knope: Malwae-Tweep. Yes, I am familiar with your work. I've read everything you've ever written. You did an amazing in-depth article on the raccoon problem here in Pawnee.
[flashback to Leslie finding a raccoon in the corridor:]
Leslie Knope: Who left the door open? No! No! No!
[present:]
Leslie Knope: And I agree with you. They are nature's bandits.
Shauna: Thanks. I was happy with that line.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Well, Shauna, this is our crack team.
Shauna: Hi, everyone.
Leslie Knope: Tom Haverford, boy genius. Smooth like milk chocolate.
Tom: That's a weird way to describe me.
Leslie Knope: April Ludgate, 19. Cool enough to be invited anywhere and chooses to be here. And finally, we've got Ann Perkins and Andy Dwyer. They're the real heroes of this story. Ann was the citizen who brought the pit to our attention. And Andy is the citizen who fell in it.

Quote from Tom

Tom: April, let me ask you something. Do you think I'm in the top five best-looking Indian guys in Pawnee?
April: No.
Tom: Who do you think's got me beat? That guy Hashish at City Planning?

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Tommy boy. Let me tell you something, Tom. You suck at Scrabble.
Tom: I know. You're destroying me.
Ron Swanson: You're worse than my ex-wife, and she's terrible at Scrabble. And she's a bitch.
Tom: Look out, man. I'm gonna get you one of these days. I'm practicing.
Ron Swanson: Yeah, I doubt that. Her name is Tammy Swanson and she's a serious bitch.

Quote from Tom

Tom: What are you doing?
April: Kicking Ron's butt at Scrabble. I just played "lexicons" for a billion points.
Tom: No, no, no, no, no.
April: What?
Tom: I was letting him win, dumbass.
April: Whatever.
Tom: Oh. Come on. "Lateral, communal, zonal"? You dropped a "Z" in there? April.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [on the phone] Shauna Malwae-Tweep. Hi, this is deputy director of Parks and Recreation...
Shauna: Leslie? Hi.
Leslie Knope: Yes, hi. I accidentally ate an old burrito.
Shauna: What?
Leslie Knope: I was acting strange at the pit and the reason is because I had food poisoning... from an old burrito. So, I was hoping we could have a do-over interview. Maybe over lunch. I'm buying.
Shauna: Yeah, I guess I'm free. I'm assuming not Mexican.
Leslie Knope: Why?
Shauna: Because of the burrito.
Leslie Knope: Oh! [laughs] Yeah, well, it wasn't a Mexican burrito.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Shauna: Are you sure that's the best thing for you right now?
Leslie Knope: [looks down at waffles and ice cream] Oh, it's the best thing on the menu.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Shauna: So what do you think the odds are that this park is actually gonna get made?
Leslie Knope: Can I say over 100%? Because I would be lying if I said less.
Shauna: Wow. You seem a lot more confident than some of the other people I've spoken to. Can I read you some of these quotes?
Leslie Knope: Be my guest.
Shauna: "The Sullivan Street pit is always going to be a pit."
Leslie Knope: Well, until it turns into a park. Yes, I agree. [starts eating]
Shauna: Um. "Hey, you should write an article on unicorns, because they're more likely to exist than this park."
Leslie Knope: Oh, really? Tell that to a 14-year-old girl.
Shauna: "You should write an article on the Pope getting married, because that's more likely to happen than this park."
Leslie Knope: There are some countries where the Pope can be married.
Shauna: "You should write an article on talking monkeys."
Leslie Knope: Really? Have you seen The Wizard of Oz?
Shauna: "You should write an article about leprechauns."
Leslie Knope: Leprechauns exist.
Shauna: "You should write an article about the sun falling out of the sky."
Leslie Knope: Why would you write an article about that? That's...
Shauna: This one is just "No." Um. "This park is never, ever, ever, ever going to happen."
Leslie Knope: Might I ask who said that?
Shauna: Mark Brendanawicz.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Well, the article came out, and it was a mixed bag. "An abandoned lot on Sullivan Street has been proposed as the site of a new park." That part's good. I think we stayed on message for that part. And then it gets a little unpleasant. "Pretty drunk, Ann's on the pill." I didn't "throw up," I spit up. JJ's Diner gets a nice mention. Oh, and right here. At the end. She writes, and I quote, "We'll see." Ends on a hopeful note.


 Episode 102 Episode 104 
  Select another episode