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‘Tom's Divorce’ Quotes

Parks and Recreation: Tom's Divorce

211. Tom's Divorce

Aired December 3, 2009

Leslie and her colleagues try to cheer up Tom after he and Wendy file for divorce.

Quote from Ann

Tom: I'll have the surf-and-turf-a-saurus, and a couple of bottles of wine. I'm gonna need a lot of wine, so keep it flowing.
Ann: I'm not gonna be drinking anything. Just wanted everybody to know that.
[aside to camera:]
Ann: I'm not a big fan of group dinners where everybody splits the bill no matter what they get. I ordered a Tyranna-Caesar salad, and that's all I'm paying for.

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Quote from Ron Swanson

Leslie Knope: God! It is rough in here. Is it always like this?
Ron Swanson: I wouldn't know. Don't like strip clubs. Smells like a wet mop in here. And I get the feeling that every one of these women is running a low-grade fever.
Leslie Knope: You're one of the good ones, Ron.
Ron Swanson: Wait a minute. Hello, beautiful.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: Strippers do nothing for me. I like a strong, salt-of-the-earth, self-possessed woman at the top of her field. Your Steffi Grafs, your Sheryl Swoopeses. But I will take a free breakfast buffet any time, any place.

Quote from Jerry

Jerry: There is a great dinosaur-themed restaurant in Patterson. It is called Jurassic Fork. [Leslie laughs] I have gone there three times a week for the last 15 years.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Tom: Leslie, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but once you go in there, you will see things you cannot un-see.
Leslie Knope: I'm a feminist, okay? I would never, ever go to a strip club. I've gone on record that if I had to have a stripper's name, it would be "Equality." But I'm willing to sacrifice all that I've worked for just to put a smile on your perverted little face. So don't blow this.
Tom: All right.
Leslie Knope: Okay! Lap dances are on me. I mean, I'm paying for them. They're not gonna actually be on me.
Tom: Got it.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I kind of feel like Jane Goodall studying the chimps, you know? 'Cause there are some feminist scholars who say that stripping is a feminist act.

Quote from Donna

Leslie Knope: We are going to the Glitter Factory.
Donna: What? Not me. I can't go back there. But if you see Jasmine, tell her she can keep Anthony, but I want my microwave back.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Ron Swanson: Leslie.
Leslie Knope: What's up, Ron?
Ron Swanson: I'm gonna need you to go up to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles on the fourth floor. We gotta talk ourselves out of this late registration fee for the Parks van.
Leslie Knope: Come on. I don't want to go to the fourth floor. That is the creepiest place on Earth.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: The fourth floor is awful. The DMV, divorce filings, probation offices. Ugh! They put a popcorn machine up there just to brighten things up, but they used the wrong kind of oil, and a bunch of people had to get their throats replaced.

Quote from Tom

Leslie Knope: Uh-huh. And how are your institutions, that you're a part of?
Tom: Ah. You heard about my divorce?
Leslie Knope: I saw you on the fourth floor. I'm so, so sorry.
Tom: Honestly, it's fine. Lasted longer than Avril Lavigne and the guy from Sum 41, am I right?
Leslie Knope: I don't know what those are.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Look, I've heard your voice when she calls you on the phone. I've seen you look at her ass when she leaves the room. You love her.
Tom: Leslie, I really appreciate what you're trying to do, but I'm fine. Look, look at my face. Are you watching?
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I did a little research, and divorce is the number two most stressful event in a person's life. Of course, marriage is number seven. So, watch out, everyone. It's all bad.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: We have to step up, for Tom's sake.
Ron Swanson: I think Tom seems fine.
Leslie Knope: Well, that is the problem. Tom always seems like Mr. Slickster Cool Guy, but he's actually hiding his emotions underneath a very thick layer of Axe body spray.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Waiter: Hi. Welcome to Jurassic Fork, where the only thing that'll be extinct is your appetite. You ready to order?
Donna: Yes. I will have the Jamaican Jerk Chicken Veloci-Wrap.
Leslie Knope: I'm gonna get the Tricera-chops, please.
Waiter: How do you want that cooked?
Leslie Knope: Medium roar.
Waiter: Medium rare?
Leslie Knope: No, medium roar.
Waiter: For legal reasons, we're not allowed to make puns about the temperature of the meats anymore.

Quote from Jerry

Leslie Knope: Here's what I think we should do. Everyone should go around and say one thing that they love about Tom.
Jerry: I'll start. I really wish I could have your body.
Tom: What?
April: Ew! Like, tied up, naked, in your basement?
Jerry: No, no. I mean, you're in good shape and you can eat whatever you want.
Leslie Knope: Well, that was weird, Jerry.

Quote from Tom

Tom: There is a girl here that also works at Quiznos. She's really nice to me here, but really mean to me at Quiznos.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: All right, Tom! This is Seabiscuit.
Woman: Sierra.
Leslie Knope: Sierra. Sorry. It's loud in here. And I gave her money to writhe around on your parts.
Tom: Leslie, I don't want to do that.
Leslie Knope: Well, I already paid her. Can I get my money back?
Woman: No.
Leslie Knope: Okay, so let her do her writhing.
Tom: All right.
Leslie Knope: I just gotta say, Sierra. I really don't get why this cheers men up, because it's very insincere and it's very fleeting. But go crazy, okay? Give my friend here the works. Really grind the sorrow out of him.
Woman: You got it.
Leslie Knope: And then, afterwards, maybe reconsider your profession, but for now, grind away.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Tom: I've been to the Glitter Factory a million times. That girl up there, she's my emergency contact. But right now, I hate it here, and I just want to see Wendy.
Leslie Knope: Tom, it's perfectly normal to feel devastated when something's over. It's exactly how I felt when that Planet Earth series ended.

Quote from Leslie Knope

Leslie Knope: Swanson! Did you tell Tom that you were gonna ask out Wendy?
Ron Swanson: It's complicated.
Leslie Knope: What is wrong with you? I wish I wasn't alive to hear myself say this, but I am ashamed to be your deputy.
[aside to camera:]
Leslie Knope: I don't get men. If they're not wagering their girlfriends in pool, then they're trying to steal each other's wives. It makes you question the whole notion of those bromance movies.


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