Parks and Recreation - Ron Swanson Quote #446

Quote from Ron Swanson in Gin It Up!

Ron Swanson: That's your will? You need that many pages to say, "Give my stuff to my wife"?
Ben: It's a complicated legal document.
Ron Swanson: It doesn't have to be. I've had the same will since I was eight years old.
Ben: "Upon my death, all of my belongings shall transfer to the man or animal who has killed me." What are these weird symbols?
Ron Swanson: The man who kills me will know.


‘Gin It Up!’ Quotes

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ron Swanson: Death does not scare me. What I am worried about is spoiling my children. I don't want 'em to be the kind of people who never work, live off their trust funds, who buy their wooden furniture. I will leave my children $50 apiece for the cab home from my funeral and a steak dinner, end of discussion.
Ben: Okay. I mean, look, it doesn't matter how much money you leave your kids. What matters is that you teach them the right values. But, if something horrible happens, and you want your kids to be left alone with no safety net, just so they can learn some kind of weird lesson, then, by all means, leave your fortune to the wild boar who gores you to death.
Ron Swanson: I'd never lose to a boar. [dart hits board]

Quote from Ron Swanson

Trevor Nelsson: Mr. Swanson, let's begin by filling out this form, listing your assets and liabilities.
Ron Swanson: Nice try. I'm not telling you how much money I have, where it's hidden, or which precious metals and/or gemstones it may or may not take the form of.

Quote from Ron Swanson

Ben: Okay, you should really have a will that's more than one sentence long. You have a wife and kids now. I could introduce you to our lawyer.
Ron Swanson: The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, congressman, and doctor. Pass.
Ben: Ron, that document is nothing. It's not even notarized. You know, if you die and you don't have a real will, most of what you own will go to the government.
Ron Swanson: Where is this lawyer you speak of?

Ron Swanson Quotes

Quote from Ms. Knope Goes to Washington

Ranger Patrick: Hey, Ron. You're not going to slaughter that pig here, are you?
Ron Swanson: Not to worry. I have a permit.
Ranger Patrick: This just says, "I can do what I want."
Ron Swanson: I am the director of the Parks Department, and this is a park.
Ranger Patrick: It's not a Parks thing. It's against, like, three laws and a dozen health codes.
Ron Swanson: Fine. Barbecue is postponed until I can go pick up some meat from the Food 'n' Stuff. Let's go, Tom. No, pig Tom. [Donna laughs]

Quote from Partridge

Ron Swanson: [aside to camera] Tom and April were excellent witnesses in my defense. Unfortunately, every single word out of their mouths was a lie. There's only one thing I hate more than lying. Skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.

Quote from Go Big or Go Home

Ron Swanson: Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys into men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons. Behold. The Swanson Pyramid of Greatness.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: I've been developing the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness for years. It's a perfectly calibrated recipe for maximum personal achievement. Categories include:
Ron Swanson: Capitalism, God's way of determining who is smart, and who is poor. Crying, acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Rage, poise, property rights. Fish, for sport only. Not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable. Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts. High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?