Ron Swanson: Hello. I'm here for the interview about tonight's gala.
Joan Callamezzo: Yeah, listen, I'm a little under the weather. I went on a booze cruise last week. It just finished up an hour ago. On a completely unrelated note, I have horrible allergies.
Ron Swanson: I'm sorry to hear that.
Joan Callamezzo: Yeah.
Ron Swanson: But I do need to promote this event.
Joan Callamezzo: Don't worry about me. I'm a true professional. The show must go on.
Director: In five, four, three, two...
Joan Callamezzo: Hello. I'm Joan Callamezzo. Today's show will not go on.

Joan Callamezzo: After the break: Where was Leslie Knope actually born?
Leslie Knope: Pawnee!
Joan Callamezzo: We will pull out the world map and speculate wildly.
Dancers: [sing] Joan gotcha
Leslie Knope: Oh, God. Not the gotcha dancers.
Dancers: Betcha thought you'd Get away witcha Butcha got caught, didn't ya? Joan gotcha

Joan Callamezzo: Thank you, Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham.
Ben: Okay, she thinks she's in Batman.
Joan Callamezzo: People often ask me, "Joan, how do you do it?" It's simple. I love being on TV. I've known what I've wanted to do since I was ten years old. That is the key to living a good life. If you don't absolutely love what you do with a true passion, then what's the point in doing it at all? On a separate note, I think that America should have a purge night. Let me explain why.

Joan Callamezzo: Oh, wow. He is so adorable.
Tom: Thank you, Joan. Li'l Sebastian isn't bad either.
Joan Callamezzo: Tom!
Tom: How are you?
Joan Callamezzo: Good. Good to see you.
Tom: Hold on a second. [squeaking sound] Did you get your breasts done? You look amazing.
Joan Callamezzo: Yes, thanks for noticing.
Tom: Joan, listen to me. This Harvest Festival, it's gonna knock your socks off. And when it does, I'm gonna be there to give you a foot massage... To completion. [both laughing]
Ben: Good lord.

Joan Callamezzo: Welcome to Pawnee Today. I am first-rate newswoman Joan Callamezzo. Pawnee's City Council approval rate is at a dismal 3%. That's an all-time low. Yuck. Leslie, the city council has done very little over the past few years, and what they have accomplished, in my opinion, has been embarrassing. And that is a fact.
Leslie Knope: No, that's your opinion. That's the definition of an opinion.
Joan Callamezzo: Well, that's your opinion.
Leslie Knope: The city council has some political gridlock and some partisan bickering, but we're actually about to pass a bill - my bill - the Leslie Knope Fun In The Sun Act, which will extend public pool hours citywide.
Joan Callamezzo: [sarcastic laugh] Can you say, "big whoop"?

Leslie Knope: Joan, this poll is a chance to give our newly-merged city a new identity. To really rebrand this town.
Joan Callamezzo: Yes, great question. I have been thinking of rebranding myself. What do you think about Juan Callamezzo?
Leslie Knope: Isn't "Juan" a man's name?
Joan Callamezzo: No, it means "flower."
Leslie Knope: I think it means "John."

Ben: Joan, on behalf of the entire city, congratulations. I do want to apologize for not being able to accommodate some of your requests.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh.
Ben: For example, we couldn't get a bottle of Chateau Marmont because it's a hotel in Los Angeles, not a wine.
Joan Callamezzo: Well, did you at least get buddy holly to sing?
Ben: No, because he's been famously dead for 60 years.
Joan Callamezzo: What?

April: Hi, Joan. Hi, my name is April, and I'm your biggest fan, and I pretty much hate everyone.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh.
April: Will you sign your ninth memoir for me?
Joan Callamezzo: Well, it would be my pleasure. You said your name was Glenn?
April: Yes, I did.
Joan Callamezzo: That's pretty.

April: You should totally do it. You'd be an amazing mayor. Actually, you should be President of the universe.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh. You know, I really would make an incredible mayor. But, sadly, I cannot, because I'm only 27 years old.
Ben: Really? So you were born in the 1990s?
Joan Callamezzo: [top pops] Ooh! Mmhmm.

Joan Callamezzo: Welcome to "At Home With Joan". I'm your host, Joan Callamezzo. Today's guests are former Pawnee City Councilwoman and current Deputy Director of the Department of the Interior, Leslie Knope.
Leslie Knope: Hi, Joan.
Joan Callamezzo: And her houseboy, Ben Wyatt.
Ben: Um, I'm actually a member of the House of Representatives, a Congressman.
Joan Callamezzo: Whatever sex fantasy works for you two. I'm not here to judge.