Joan Callamezzo Quotes Page 1 of 4

Quote from Emergency Response

Ron Swanson: Hello. I'm here for the interview about tonight's gala.
Joan Callamezzo: Yeah, listen, I'm a little under the weather. I went on a booze cruise last week. It just finished up an hour ago. On a completely unrelated note, I have horrible allergies.
Ron Swanson: I'm sorry to hear that.
Joan Callamezzo: Yeah.
Ron Swanson: But I do need to promote this event.
Joan Callamezzo: Don't worry about me. I'm a true professional. The show must go on.
Director: In five, four, three, two...
Joan Callamezzo: Hello. I'm Joan Callamezzo. Today's show will not go on.


Quote from Ron and Jammy

Joan Callamezzo: Thank you, Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham.
Ben: Okay, she thinks she's in Batman.
Joan Callamezzo: People often ask me, "Joan, how do you do it?" It's simple. I love being on TV. I've known what I've wanted to do since I was ten years old. That is the key to living a good life. If you don't absolutely love what you do with a true passion, then what's the point in doing it at all? On a separate note, I think that America should have a purge night. Let me explain why.

Quote from Born & Raised

Joan Callamezzo: After the break: Where was Leslie Knope actually born?
Leslie Knope: Pawnee!
Joan Callamezzo: We will pull out the world map and speculate wildly.
Dancers: [sing] Joan gotcha
Leslie Knope: Oh, God. Not the gotcha dancers.
Dancers: Betcha thought you'd Get away witcha Butcha got caught, didn't ya? Joan gotcha

Quote from Pawnee Zoo

Joan Callamezzo: Guess who?
Tom: Uh... Megan Fox? One of the Desperate Housewives?
Joan Callamezzo: No, Joan Callamezzo.
Tom: Hey, Joanie! What's up, gorgeous? Good to see you.
Leslie Knope: Tom comes on the show all the time. Joan loves him.
[TV clip:]
Tom: You have the softest skin of any woman in Pawnee.
Joan Callamezzo: Thank you.
Tom: I wish you could reach, from your TV screen, and just touch Joan's skin for a second.
Joan Callamezzo: That's sweet. You'd have a treat. You're pretty soft yourself.
Tom: How are your kids doing?
Joan Callamezzo: They're pretty good.
Tom: Is it tough for them to have a mother that is so beautiful? What's it like being the most attractive woman in Pawnee?
Joan Callamezzo: You keep up those funnies, I'm gonna have to invite you over for supper.
Tom: Well, I'll have to come over for supper.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh! You must.

Quote from Harvest Festival

Joan Callamezzo: Oh, wow. He is so adorable.
Tom: Thank you, Joan. Li'l Sebastian isn't bad either.
Joan Callamezzo: Tom!
Tom: How are you?
Joan Callamezzo: Good. Good to see you.
Tom: Hold on a second. [squeaking sound] Did you get your breasts done? You look amazing.
Joan Callamezzo: Yes, thanks for noticing.
Tom: Joan, listen to me. This Harvest Festival, it's gonna knock your socks off. And when it does, I'm gonna be there to give you a foot massage... To completion. [both laughing]
Ben: Good lord.

Quote from How a Bill Becomes a Law

Joan Callamezzo: Welcome to Pawnee Today. I am first-rate newswoman Joan Callamezzo. Pawnee's City Council approval rate is at a dismal 3%. That's an all-time low. Yuck. Leslie, the city council has done very little over the past few years, and what they have accomplished, in my opinion, has been embarrassing. And that is a fact.
Leslie Knope: No, that's your opinion. That's the definition of an opinion.
Joan Callamezzo: Well, that's your opinion.
Leslie Knope: The city council has some political gridlock and some partisan bickering, but we're actually about to pass a bill - my bill - the Leslie Knope Fun In The Sun Act, which will extend public pool hours citywide.
Joan Callamezzo: [sarcastic laugh] Can you say, "big whoop"?

Quote from New Slogan

Leslie Knope: Joan, this poll is a chance to give our newly-merged city a new identity. To really rebrand this town.
Joan Callamezzo: Yes, great question. I have been thinking of rebranding myself. What do you think about Juan Callamezzo?
Leslie Knope: Isn't "Juan" a man's name?
Joan Callamezzo: No, it means "flower."
Leslie Knope: I think it means "John."

Quote from Moving Up (Part 2)

Tom: Can I get you a drink?
Joan Callamezzo: I'll have the Joan. It's a tumbler of gin, and it's got crushed aspirin around the rim.
Perd Hapley: And I would just like an empty glass.

Quote from Ron and Jammy

Ben: Joan, on behalf of the entire city, congratulations. I do want to apologize for not being able to accommodate some of your requests.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh.
Ben: For example, we couldn't get a bottle of Chateau Marmont because it's a hotel in Los Angeles, not a wine.
Joan Callamezzo: Well, did you at least get buddy holly to sing?
Ben: No, because he's been famously dead for 60 years.
Joan Callamezzo: What?

Quote from Ron and Jammy

April: Hi, Joan. Hi, my name is April, and I'm your biggest fan, and I pretty much hate everyone.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh.
April: Will you sign your ninth memoir for me?
Joan Callamezzo: Well, it would be my pleasure. You said your name was Glenn?
April: Yes, I did.
Joan Callamezzo: That's pretty.

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