Joan Callamezzo Quotes Page 1 of 4

Quote from Emergency Response

Ron Swanson: Hello. I'm here for the interview about tonight's gala.
Joan Callamezzo: Yeah, listen, I'm a little under the weather. I went on a booze cruise last week. It just finished up an hour ago. On a completely unrelated note, I have horrible allergies.
Ron Swanson: I'm sorry to hear that.
Joan Callamezzo: Yeah.
Ron Swanson: But I do need to promote this event.
Joan Callamezzo: Don't worry about me. I'm a true professional. The show must go on.
Director: In five, four, three, two...
Joan Callamezzo: Hello. I'm Joan Callamezzo. Today's show will not go on.

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Quote from Pawnee Zoo

Joan Callamezzo: Guess who?
Tom: Uh... Megan Fox? One of the Desperate Housewives?
Joan Callamezzo: No, Joan Callamezzo.
Tom: Hey, Joanie! What's up, gorgeous? Good to see you.
Leslie Knope: Tom comes on the show all the time. Joan loves him.
[TV clip:]
Tom: You have the softest skin of any woman in Pawnee.
Joan Callamezzo: Thank you.
Tom: I wish you could reach, from your TV screen, and just touch Joan's skin for a second.
Joan Callamezzo: That's sweet. You'd have a treat. You're pretty soft yourself.
Tom: How are your kids doing?
Joan Callamezzo: They're pretty good.
Tom: Is it tough for them to have a mother that is so beautiful? What's it like being the most attractive woman in Pawnee?
Joan Callamezzo: You keep up those funnies, I'm gonna have to invite you over for supper.
Tom: Well, I'll have to come over for supper.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh! You must.

Quote from Harvest Festival

Joan Callamezzo: Oh, wow. He is so adorable.
Tom: Thank you, Joan. Li'l Sebastian isn't bad either.
Joan Callamezzo: Tom!
Tom: How are you?
Joan Callamezzo: Good. Good to see you.
Tom: Hold on a second. [squeaking sound] Did you get your breasts done? You look amazing.
Joan Callamezzo: Yes, thanks for noticing.
Tom: Joan, listen to me. This Harvest Festival, it's gonna knock your socks off. And when it does, I'm gonna be there to give you a foot massage... To completion. [both laughing]
Ben: Good lord.

Quote from Born & Raised

Joan Callamezzo: After the break: Where was Leslie Knope actually born?
Leslie Knope: Pawnee!
Joan Callamezzo: We will pull out the world map and speculate wildly.
Dancers: [sing] Joan gotcha
Leslie Knope: Oh, God. Not the gotcha dancers.
Dancers: Betcha thought you'd Get away witcha Butcha got caught, didn't ya? Joan gotcha

Quote from How a Bill Becomes a Law

Joan Callamezzo: Welcome to Pawnee Today. I am first-rate newswoman Joan Callamezzo. Pawnee's City Council approval rate is at a dismal 3%. That's an all-time low. Yuck. Leslie, the city council has done very little over the past few years, and what they have accomplished, in my opinion, has been embarrassing. And that is a fact.
Leslie Knope: No, that's your opinion. That's the definition of an opinion.
Joan Callamezzo: Well, that's your opinion.
Leslie Knope: The city council has some political gridlock and some partisan bickering, but we're actually about to pass a bill - my bill - the Leslie Knope Fun In The Sun Act, which will extend public pool hours citywide.
Joan Callamezzo: [sarcastic laugh] Can you say, "big whoop"?

Quote from New Slogan

Leslie Knope: Joan, this poll is a chance to give our newly-merged city a new identity. To really rebrand this town.
Joan Callamezzo: Yes, great question. I have been thinking of rebranding myself. What do you think about Juan Callamezzo?
Leslie Knope: Isn't "Juan" a man's name?
Joan Callamezzo: No, it means "flower."
Leslie Knope: I think it means "John."

Quote from Moving Up (Part 2)

Tom: Can I get you a drink?
Joan Callamezzo: I'll have the Joan. It's a tumbler of gin, and it's got crushed aspirin around the rim.
Perd Hapley: And I would just like an empty glass.

Quote from Ron and Jammy

Ben: Joan, on behalf of the entire city, congratulations. I do want to apologize for not being able to accommodate some of your requests.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh.
Ben: For example, we couldn't get a bottle of Chateau Marmont because it's a hotel in Los Angeles, not a wine.
Joan Callamezzo: Well, did you at least get buddy holly to sing?
Ben: No, because he's been famously dead for 60 years.
Joan Callamezzo: What?

Quote from Ron and Jammy

April: Hi, Joan. Hi, my name is April, and I'm your biggest fan, and I pretty much hate everyone.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh.
April: Will you sign your ninth memoir for me?
Joan Callamezzo: Well, it would be my pleasure. You said your name was Glenn?
April: Yes, I did.
Joan Callamezzo: That's pretty.

Quote from Ron and Jammy

Joan Callamezzo: Thank you, Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham.
Ben: Okay, she thinks she's in Batman.
Joan Callamezzo: People often ask me, "Joan, how do you do it?" It's simple. I love being on TV. I've known what I've wanted to do since I was ten years old. That is the key to living a good life. If you don't absolutely love what you do with a true passion, then what's the point in doing it at all? On a separate note, I think that America should have a purge night. Let me explain why.

Quote from Two Funerals

April: You should totally do it. You'd be an amazing mayor. Actually, you should be President of the universe.
Joan Callamezzo: Oh. You know, I really would make an incredible mayor. But, sadly, I cannot, because I'm only 27 years old.
Ben: Really? So you were born in the 1990s?
Joan Callamezzo: [top pops] Ooh! Mmhmm.

Quote from A Parks and Recreation Special

Joan Callamezzo: Welcome to "At Home With Joan". I'm your host, Joan Callamezzo. Today's guests are former Pawnee City Councilwoman and current Deputy Director of the Department of the Interior, Leslie Knope.
Leslie Knope: Hi, Joan.
Joan Callamezzo: And her houseboy, Ben Wyatt.
Ben: Um, I'm actually a member of the House of Representatives, a Congressman.
Joan Callamezzo: Whatever sex fantasy works for you two. I'm not here to judge.

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